Monday 8 December 2014

Craftiness!

One of the things keeping me sane during this troubled time is my craft, I have posted about it before. I have my very first market coming up this weekend, so thought I would take the chance to share some of the creations I'll be hoping to sell =)




Another whole month...

As you may have guessed from the lack of posts, last month went by without a bang - in any sense of the word.

My fertile window came and went and until recently it had been over 2 months since hubby and I have even dtd, let alone think about timing it for TTC. I just got to the stage where I was tired of always being the one to initiate, always being turned down.

When AF finally came it was a weird feeling. I knew I wasn't going to see a BFP, there was no need to test, so I wasn't sad. But I was angry. SO VERY angry that we hadn't even tried. What if that was our month and we missed it? I'm still a little peeved thinking about it now and I'm not sure what I'll do if it ever happens again.

In the meantime, another window of opportunity has opened. We had a good long talk when AF passed and hubby told me that he wants to 'give' me a baby for Christmas. I asked him if that meant he was committed to try whenever I asked and he said yes. I had my doubts. On Monday I gave him a warning - you have until Friday to get 'ready' then it's every second day for the next week (O comes between CD14 and 18 depending on... whatever it depends on!). He agreed.

Friday night came and after two months you would think it'd be fun, exciting... something! It was just awkward. But Friday was planned as our free-shot, our warm up before the serious business starts. I knew it would be strange after all that time.

Last night was supposed to be the first real go for the month. I was feeling pretty good knowing that I had been promised whatever it takes - I feel like such a fool some times for believing anything he says when it comes to dtd. I got turned down, but with a promise of 'tomorrow night' - I clarified he he knew that would mean two days in a row, as I wasn't prepared to miss Tuesday (CD14) and I've been assured that we're in for 3 days in a row. As much as it sucks to say, I'm not counting on it. But you never know!

I don't know if I can bear the thought of a Christmas morning BFN, or worse yet the appearance of AF...

Friday 7 November 2014

Getting our priorities straight

AF has come and gone. Another month of has begun.

I'm starting to get really anxious about TTC - how long 'til we fall again, will everything be ok, what to do about work, is hubby in the right frame of mind, is this really best for our marriage... it just goes on.

Everything in our life says now is not the right time for a baby. We're both in a pretty bad way health and emotional wise, hubby's meds make him even less in the mood than before, work is getting too big for both of us, family issues, we're still trying to get the house sorted... but at the same time, there's ALWAYS going to be a reason not to get this going. I feel like the reason we are having these troubles is because we have waited too long. And not just because of my age.

And now, with Christmas coming, I'm feeling this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I'd thought I'd be 16 weeks pg by Christmas. I'd even started thinking about cute Christmas baby bump photos. I loved the idea of having that special time with family to look forward to next year being so much better for all of us than this one. Now I don't even want to put up my tree when the time comes because I won't be taking those photos and instead people will be awkwardly avoiding the subject of my miscarriage.

Work is a whole other issue. I'm off for the rest of the year on long service leave and really trying to get myself right after the miscarriage. I'd asked for, and honestly expected to be granted, a time reduction at work. But I was refused flat out. So now not only am I facing full time work at a job my doctor told me to quit, but also the thought that if we don't fall again, or if I do and I miscarry, that it'll be my fault for not cutting back like I was told. I'm also looking for another teaching position, but at this time of year it can be a bit tricky.

In the meantime, I just hide in my spare room, not thinking that it's supposed to be a nursery, and surround myself with a million craft projects to keep me occupied.

My next fertile window is less than 4 days away... I have NO idea what to do.

Sunday 26 October 2014

A Million places all at once

That's where my mind is.

You would think that launching my new online store this week would have been enough to keep my mind off our latest TWW, that was part of the plan afterall. Truthfully, it does work of a lot of the time but it seems like my brain then tries to make up for the lost time by cramming all the worries into one short time!

I am currently 12dpo and at this stage would be expecting a positive if I was to test. So I did. Only problem is, I think the test was broken (not just because I got a BFN!). As I opened it, it was stuck to the moisture pack and tore a little. I was also torn in the actual test section of the strip.

In truth, I only tested because I had it there. Otherwise I am more than happy to wait for the predicted arrival of AF on Wednesday. I would have liked to think we had a shot this month, everyone keeps telling me that right after a miscarriage is when you're at your most fertile, but we only managed to dtd once, the day I got my positive OPK and it was a little awkward being the first time since the miscarriage... so my hopes really aren't that high. Having said that...

It's hard not to get my hopes up. This baby would mean more to us now than ever, after all the other things that have been happening in our families lately. It would just give us something peaceful and something positive to focus on. Instead, all we have is the void left by the loss of our last baby.

I am determined to wait this one out. I don't want to know about any possible chemical pregnancies or anything like that. I'll wait till Wednesday and if AF doesn't seem to be on her way I'll wait till Thursday when hubby is home from work to test again.

Waiting, waiting...

Wednesday 22 October 2014

When in doubt - craft it out!

As I have written about before, one of the things I do to keep me sane is crafting. I love drawing, painting, sewing, the whole lot!

With this in mind I have finally taken the plunge and opened an Etsy store and a facebook store to go with it =]

Most of the items for sale at the moment are Christmas related, but there are a few other bits and pieces I am working on. Also wondering if I should sell any of the various baby related items I have been working on - a fresh start might do me good!

Please stop by and take a look - and let me know what you think!

Christmas Gift Tags








Thursday 16 October 2014

What happened when I told my world about our loss

Yesterday, being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I posted about our recent miscarriage on Facebook.


I don't think I was being brave, I was very scared to do it. But I felt that surely there are other people I know suffering in silence and I wanted to reach out to them. I also wanted our little Poppy to be acknowledged.

I don't normally post a lot to Facebook, I just use it to keep in touch with family and friends overseas. My message box is more full than my wall, if you know what I mean!

I thought this would be a nice, easy and non-threatening way to deal with the topic. One of the biggest fears I have about sharing is what people will say, this way I didn't have to deal with it in person. I know it also makes people feel uncomfortable as they don't know what to say, so what could be easier than clicking the 'Like" button, right? No need to say anything at all.

Only a very few people responded. Most of these were just a click on the Like button, but a couple added a few xxx for good measure. My mum wrote a beautiful message. I got a couple of "Thinking of you" responses from a couple of people I haven't actually spoken to in years. I also got a couple of PMs from my sisters and aunty, just to check in on how we are doing (we've since had a family member pass away, so really hard at the moment). Then there was one response I have so far chosen to ignore.

It started with a "Thinking of you" and ended with sharing that this person had herself lost a baby. It was the part in the middle that upset me. She suggested that the only reason I even knew I was pregnant was because of 'advances in testing' and that years ago I wouldn't have even known I was pregnant, so wouldn't have anything to be sad about. I really don't even know where to begin with this and just thinking about it making me agitated, so I'm still trying to ignore it!

The other upsetting thing was the family and friends who were obviously online, posting pictures of cats and videos of people falling over who didn't respond at all. Now I know that because I am very boring they may have hidden me from their feed or whatever, but it felt like they were right there and they chose to ignore us. I'm trying not to think about that, either.

To end with a positive, two of the people who responded (who have 4 children between them) then went on to post a status of their own saying that they were thinking of all their friends who had lost babies, which I thought was lovely.

Overall, I think I am glad I chose to share, and I will probably do so once each year, to keep our baby's memory alive.


Wednesday 15 October 2014

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2014



Pregnancy and infant loss. It’s not something I had ever talked about, let alone thought about. Sure, in my worst moments I thought that I would never be a mother; I still have those thoughts now but for entirely different reasons.

When I used to think such thoughts, it was more a philosophical reasoning. Maybe I would never find a man worthy of being a father. Maybe I would be off travelling the world and find that the time had passed.  I thought that miscarriage was something that happened to ‘other people’ after all, I had only ever known one woman to have a miscarriage and she had been told not to get pregnant due to medication she was taking at the time.

Now I am filled with fear about recurrent pregnancy loss and I feel like part of this was my total ignorance of miscarriage statistics. If I had known how common it was, and that no matter how painful, many early early miscarriages are due to the body’s natural detection of genetic abnormalities, I might not have struggled with guilt. The SANDS website (see link at the end of this post) says:

Each year in Australia, approximately 150,000 couples experience reproductive loss;
about 147,000 experience a miscarriage,
1,750 babies are stillborn
and about 850 babies die in the first 28 days after birth.

I can’t tell you the number of times I cried to my husband, apologising for killing his baby. I can’t tell you the number of times he held me and reassured me that there was nothing we could have done. He believed it because that’s what the doctor had told him. I found it hard to believe because if it was so common, how come no one I knew had gone through this?

My life is full of amazing women. Most of these have children. In fact, the only women I know who don’t have children are those who have told me straight out that they aren’t ready yet. My husband’s three siblings have welcomed 5 children in the last 5 years with another on the way. It seems that even within our own family we are the 1-in-4.

It hurts me now to realise that surely there are women who I count among my friends who have suffered through pregnancy loss alone. Why do we do this? Why do we allow our friends, sisters, cousins to suffer alone?

In my case, I know that one of the main reasons I didn’t want to tell people was because of a sense of guilt. That I was somehow defective because I couldn’t manage to keep my baby alive. I now know that that’s likely not the case. Another bigger reason was that I didn’t want to hear the crappy platitudes they would be likely to give.

“At least you know you CAN get pregnant.”
“You’ll be able to have fun trying again.”
“It must be part of God’s plan.”
“There was probably something wrong with the baby, so it’s better this way.”

And worse than that, I didn’t want to hear anything that turned the blame to me.

“You know older women have a higher chance of miscarriage, don’t you?”
“Do you think it’s because you are overweight?”
“Are you too stressed? You need to relax and focus on your baby.”
“Did you eat something you shouldn’t have?”
“You did give up alcohol, didn’t you?”
“Do you still let your husband smoke?”

I just wish that people would approach the loss of a child, no matter the time, like they would the death of any other family member or friend. I read on a miscarriage forum the other day that the only acceptable response when someone tells you they have had a miscarriage is, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

I found a beautiful “Wish list” on the Bears of Hope website.

Wishes of An Angel's Mum & Dad
  • I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. Just because you never saw him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
  • I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. I need to cry and talk about my baby with you, it helps me heal.
  • I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me, it tells me you care.
  • I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby and the dreams I had for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too, but please understand that it's not all like that.
  • I wish you wouldn't judge me because I’m not acting the way you think I should be. Grief is a very personal thing and we’re all different people who deal with things differently.
  • I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm ok or if I have a bad day I’m being unreasonable. There is no "normal" way for me to act.
  • I wish you wouldn't expect me to “feel better” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. It may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
  • I wish you could tell me you are thinking of me on my baby’s birthday, Mothers Day, celebration times and the day my baby died. These are all important and sad days for me.
  • I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. I’m not the same person I was before and I’ll never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you’ll stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the ‘new’ me, you might even still like me.
Author Unknown

The last point really resonates with me. As I wrote last week, I know that my heart has been changed. I am still trying to work out what that means.

So I was brave today. With my husband’s consent (because it’s not just about me) I posted about our loss on Facebook. I want people to know that I am a mother, even though I don’t have a baby here to hold. And I want the other women I know who have suffered in silence to know that they have a friend who is sharing this most horrible experience.

If you, or someone you know is struggling with pregnancy or infant loss, you might like to check out the following websites. There are many out there, I have found these ones really helpful.

Tuesday 7 October 2014

"Why?" isn't even important

I should have posted at least 4 updates since the last one. We were away on holiday but I was still writing, ready to post when we returned. I had a post about travelling with morning sickness and one about spotting in early pregnancy which I was reading a lot about. I also had one about my symptoms in week 6 and also the fact that my dad had totally guessed that I was pregnant due to the fact that I didn't drink the night we arrived!

Instead, I am posting about another miscarriage.

Looking back, a lot of little things probably add up to tell me that this was coming. My HCG levels were pretty low, only 38 at 14dpo and 111 by 5 weeks. Doubling every 2.4 days or a 77% increase in 48 hours. Still within the average, but on the low side.

Then there was the spotting. The first was at 16dpo, pink and watery and only twice when I wiped. Doctor reassured me that this was 'normal.' It started again the following week while on holiday, at 5w4d. This time dark brown, and only once and when I wiped. Then the next day, dark brown and only once when I wiped. The following day, dark brown but this time more often when I was wiping. By Friday, at 6 weeks I had a couple of red spots coming through. I panicked the whole way home on the plane, but when we got off - nothing.

Another thing I notice now was my symptoms starting to fade. I know that this can happen anyway and that they can come and go - but in this case I now know it's because they were well and truly going. From 5w4d onwards I no longer got up in the night to empty my bladder. I thought this was maybe because with all the travel I wasn't drinking enough (4 litres not enough?!). I was also able to sleep comfortably on my chest which for the previous week had been unbearable. I was still slightly nauseous, but at this stage I think it was more due to concern about what was happening to our little poppy seed, rather than hormones.

I'll post another day about what actually happened, and what has happened since; at the moment it's just too much to think about. All I can manage is a cold recount of the facts, and yet so much more than that was involved.

I feel completely broken, like I have been shattered into a thousand pieces and although in time I might collect them all up, I'll never be the same, I keep thinking of the activity we do with kids to teach them the power of bullying. You ask them to cut a piece of paper into the shape of a heart. Then you ask them to scrunch it up, that's the effect of bullying. You then ask the students to flatten out their paper heart, this represents a person apologising for their behaviour. The thing they notice is that no matter how much they flatten the paper, the marks remain. That's exactly how I feel right now. But my heart isn't flattened, it's still scrunched tightly into a horrible little ball.



Tuesday 16 September 2014

Week 5 symptom watch

I've actually been feeling rough since about 7dpo, I guess that would be when implantation happened. I woke up in the night with a cold sweat, acute nausea and killer headache.

The headache and the nausea have continued all through last week, but thankfully the nausea has died down to the point where it's just sitting there in the background most of the time. The thing that convinced me I must be pregnant, before I even took a test, was the stuffy nose/sore sinuses and the horrid cold sore I developed at 11dpo.

So this week. The headache is still hanging around, so is the cold sore and the rhinitis. I am really trying not to take any painkillers, so just going with cold cloths, massage, etc. My doctor recommended a safe nasal spray, so I may also give that a go.

I'm also REALLY tired. I'm struggling to make it past 2pm without a nap, one of the luxuries of being on leave from work! I'm pretty much dead to the world again my 9pm, which is a couple of hours earlier than normal.

Unfortunately, also pretty gassy and bloaty which I hate. Makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable, even when trying to sleep. My boobs are pretty uncomfortable too, switching from just feeling heavy to being quite painful to touch.

The nausea isn't too bad. The last two nights I have been up in the middle of the night sure I was going to be sick, but so far have managed to keep it together. I find that eating small meals/snacks throughout the day helps keep it at bay. So far there aren't too many things that are putting me off, although I didn't manage to finish my banana this morning, the texture completely threw me off!

Let's see what next week brings!

Monday 15 September 2014

It's (digitally) official!

With my doctors appointment coming up this morning, I took my last hpt. I'd been saving my Clearblue digital until I was sure, and here's the result:


Sent the pic to hubby at work, then made my way to the doctor. When I told her I was pregnant again, she told me she thought that was why I had booked in as she had worked out my dates! She was super reassuring that we have nothing to worry about and that we should plan for the baby we are going to have. Still not totally convinced, and am analysing every twinge and pain, but after she said that I could feel myself start to relax a little.

She took blood for hcg and also to check my blood type as I am pretty sure I am rh negative. I'm hoping that my last miscarriage wont have an impact on this pregnancy. Asked me to come back Thursday for the results, so hubby will be able to come with me.

I guess it is finally (after 4 days) starting to feel real. Here's to the journey ahead!


Sunday 14 September 2014

I think we have a winner!

So, my resolve not to test again till Monday totally faded. I tested again yesterday morning with the last strip I had, and then this morning with the last FRER I had. Have to say, the lines are getting darker and that's making me think that this little one intends to stick around!


I've just called the doctor and made an appointment for tomorrow. No idea what comes next, I'm hoping that she'll do a blood test and ask me to come back at least once to check - mostly to put my mind at ease after last time. I have heard some ladies say that their doctor doesn't test saying that a positive hpt is the same as a positive blood test, so I guess I'll find out tomorrow what my doctor thinks.

After the surprise announcement that I planned for hubby with our first, I couldn't bring myself to do it again. So when he got home Friday and asked how I was feeling and should I be worried that I was still feeling so run down and maybe I should go to the doctor... I showed him the test. His reaction was so lovely. I thought he might be scared, and I know he's apprehensive after last time, but his first reaction was a double fist pump and a "Yes!" - about as expressive as he gets!

I keep changing between praying for this little one to hang in, and just talking to our little poppy seed telling it how much it will be loved if it will just stick around to find out =]

Friday 12 September 2014

Here we go again!

This morning, at 12 dpo I took a pregnancy test. I think it's another positive!

At the moment I am too scared to write much, but thought a quick post of the test results might make it seem a bit more permanent. I;ve included a negative shot, I read on a forum that this helps the line to show =]

After my last BFP, I am hoping to wait until Monday, when AF is due, before I worry about testing again. Not planning on telling hubby just yet either, after the stress of last time. He's just left for work, so maybe by the time he gets home tonight I will have changed my mind!



Tuesday 2 September 2014

OPKs

This is my second cycle using OPKs. The girls on the EB TTC#1 forum were super helpful with all my questions last time. I was wondering about how long I should be 'holding it in' the other day, as my bladder was screaming for release so decided to test my Dr Google theory. it wasn't good. The results ranged from 4 hours to 2 hours to don't hold it and just test whenever you need to pee. So I decided to investigate a little further - when was the best time to test?
 - My Dr says use FMU because hormones are most concentrated
 - My Dr says never use FMU because LH (the hormone measured by OPKs) is only synthesised in the day
 - Before 12 pm
 - Before 4 pm
 - Between 8 and 10pm
By far the best answer was, test when the instructions on the pack tell you to. Only problem is with buying all these cheapies off the internet, they don't always come with instructions.

I also found out thanks to the EB girls that it is possible to miss the LH surge and therefore never get a true positive. Last month I got a pretty clear positive result on CD 16, this time, not so much. For interests sake, here are my OPKs from this cycle.


From this it's clear that I never got a true positive. It's also clear that this photo is of old tests and that you're not supposed to count the results after 10 minutes. However, I would assume that CD17 shows the strongest result, very closely followed by CD18. I'm happy, for my own purposes, to count CD17 as my positive. I haven't had any tests yet to confirm that I actually ovulate and I am not prepared to start testing more than once a day as I have seen recommended by some.

With this in mind, I tried a different tack with hubby this cycle. I didn't tell him a thing. I was counting on my positive being CD16 as I think is usual for me, and we dtd on CD13 and CD16. When I saw my OPKs, I mentioned to hubby that I wasn't going to tell him anything more than to make a choice - we dtd either Saturday, Sunday or Monday, which I knew would be CD17-19. I wasn't going to say anything else, I wasn't going to pressure him. I'd already asked him to be more proactive in the whole dtd business, baby making aside.

So it got to last night and nothing. I was super calm, I had expected this. I just asked to remind him of two things, he said he'd make more of an effort, and he'd promised one of those three days. To which he said, "Tomorrow then." I said yes, for sure (I'm not passing up an opportunity!) but reminded him that I had told him those days for a reason. He told me that he didn't think it made a difference and that there was always a chance no matter what the timing! We then had to have a quick refresher on the whole Great Sperm Race and what happens to the egg after ovulation.

I'm pretty sure that tonight will be a no-go anyway, and either way I think its too late to catch the egg this cycle. But looking back I think that we got a couple in on time, so maybe some of those little buggers have worked their magic. I guess only time will tell.

Wednesday 20 August 2014

The future of baby making

Due almost entirely to my own experiences and those I have read about on TTC boards over the last 8 months or so, I am worried for the future of the human race. No, let me rephrase. I am worried for the future of those of us 'blessed' enough to live surrounded by technology.

What I am about to write may come across as biased, anti-male, or even anti-technology - I assure you that is not my intention. I am sure that there are just as many women out there who engage in these kinds of behaviours. I am only speaking, as I said at the beginning, from experience.

I have written before about frequency being a bit of an issue for us. There seem to be quite a few women in the same situation across all the TTC boards that I read. It seems that, for some of us at least, TTC isn't just a matter of OPKs and temp spikes, but of a constant cycle of persuasion and rejection.

A quick search about men with low drive and the impact on conception will yield lots of astounding theories. Does he really want a baby? Have you tried dressing up for him? Have you tried doing it how he wants? In amongst all this, there are a lot of results pointing to low testosterone levels, and I am still not convinced that this isn't true for us. All the signs or symptoms are there, but you can't force a grown man to ask the doctor, right? Along side this though, there are many behavioural patterns that I believe impact the whole area of intimacy, only to be brought to the fore when TTC.

Men who are too tired or stressed.

Men who are just not interested in sex.

Men who are not in the mood.

Men who feel pressure to perform.

Men who just need to reply to this email or complete that task for work.

Men who just need to reach the next save point or beat that lap time.

I have come across many women trying to cope with any number of these behaviours.. It was pretty eye opening to see the huge number of posts on one marriage board (not specifically regarding TTC, just sex in general) who said they were frequently turned down for sex in favour of video games or web browsing. This is where my worry kicks in. These men have only really had access to cheap personal computing for the last half of their lives, what about all the young boys born today who will have an ipad in their hands before they can even speak?

There's a whole lot of literature about the effect of the instant reward structure of many games and other electronic entertainment (gambling, videos, etc) and none of it is very encouraging. Worse still, as I mentioned earlier, it's about intimacy in general, not just sex. It's bad enough being continually turned away and rejected for sexual intimacy, but when this is backed up in every other area of life it can be demoralising. Not being able to go out for dinner because there's a new DLC level pack that's just been released. Being late to a party because the next save point was ages away. Having to leave a day out early because he hasn't had a chance to play all day and feels like the day will be wasted if he doesn't get in a few laps.

I am not saying that video games or technology are the root of all evil. I know that there are many who can moderate their use and technology enhances their lives rather than engulfing it. I know that there are many other factors at play.

I also think selfishness plays a big part. Every time I see someone saying they were rejected because their partner wasn't in the mood, it saddens me; I know exactly how it feels. Every day at work we do things we aren't 'in the mood' for because we know that's how relationships are built and maintained. But we seem to think that it's ok to tell our partner that their needs are less important? I have read more posts than I care to remember written by men who have said blatantly that they have rejected their partners' sexual advances because they found it easier to 'take care of themselves' than put up with the needs or desires of another person.

I know there is much more to all of this than simple "Video games bad. Sex good." If you and your partner struggle to be sexually intimate, especially while TTC, what is the issue that gets in your way? How have you tried to address it? I'd love to hear from others.

Tuesday 19 August 2014

When the happiness of others hurts

I have had to stay away from my TTC forums since our chemical pregnancy. At 6 months it was already getting to the stage where I was struggling to feel positive about all the new members coming in and then leaving one or two months later with their BFPs. Now it's really hard.

The forums have been a great support for me and a safe place to ask questions and share some of the craziness. At the moment though it's really hard to see all the news of positive test results, especially the test photographs. It also reinforces that, at this point, if I saw that second line, I would probably be terrified. I just wouldn't feel safe or secure. I feel like I have had my chance at a happy, joyful pregnancy stolen away.

I shouldn't feel like this, but when I see someone in their very early 20s talking about how desperate they feel, I just want them to swap with me, for just one day. I know nothing is guaranteed, but I am pretty much at the outer limits of my 'fertile life' here. I don't know how much longer I CAN wait. It'll get to the point where even IVF with my own eggs mightn't be an option.

And every time someone comes on saying how they have only been with their partner for a few months, and then they leave with their BFP the following cycle I just want to scream. Even a movie that I once loved, Juno, makes me annoyed now for perpetuating the fertility myth - they only did it once for goodness sake!

I'm sure I'll be back on the boards soon enough, but with all the other turmoil in my life at the moment, being constantly reminded of what I almost had it just a bit too much to take.

Sunday 17 August 2014

TTC in the age of (mis)information

The whole process of trying to conceive, for those of us who have to plan and monitor our bodily functions in the hope of catching that elusive egg, is full of questions, doubts, and mysteries.

It should be that having access to more information about how our bodies work and how conception occurs should make the process easier, and perhaps in some ways it does. In other ways, all the information so readily available at our fingertips seems to do nothing more than fuel the TTC craziness.

When I last posted I was 12 dpo. I had tested earlier in the day and got a bfn. Right, I thought, only two days till AF is due, I can wait it out. The following day, having had a slight bit of spotting, I tested again. Another bfn. Now, at this point, I KNEW we were out for this month. Sitting alone in the house a few hours later I pulled out my phone and searched "BFP after BFN at 13dpo" What SHOULD have come up is a matter of fact explanation that, at this point, most tests would pick up a pregnancy and most women get reliable results from these tests. What did come up was far different.

I saw board after board, page after page, full of women asking the same question and reading about other women who got their BFP at 14, 15 or 16 dpo. Women who never got a positive home pregnancy test no matter how far along they were when they tested, etc.

Then I searched about spotting at 13dpo and if it could be implantation bleeding. Same thing.

It really is disheartening. What I was looking for was confirmation of my gut instinct. What I found instead was false hope.

Will it stop me searching in the future? Not a chance. I know there is valuable and reliable information out there. Will I steer away from certain pages and message boards? I can guarantee it!

I'd love to hear from others who have had the same struggle with information overload. Do you have a story to share?

Monday 11 August 2014

When all you do is wait

It's always funny how time seems to drag by so slowly day to day, but when you look back you realise that weeks or months have passed by almost in an instant. At least, that's how it seems to me a lot of the time.

As I sit here nervously awaiting the arrival of AF, I can't believe that it's been almost a month since my chemical pregnancy. In the days and weeks that have passed since then I have tests, appointments, reviews, more appointments... and days of doing absolutely nothing at all. There have been days that hubby has come home and asked what I have been up to, and I have genuinely not been able to think of a single thing that I did - not even sitting in front of the television! Other days, I have been so full of nervous energy that I have cleaned every room in the house three times over, cooked more food than we could ever eat and been our of the house two or three times.

Right now I am having one of the nervous energy days. I am currently 12 dpo (or possibly 11) - this time last month I got my first BFP. I was scared to test this morning, but I did anyway. Pretty sure it's negative, but there's something almost there that keeps catching my eye. So I am doing just about everything I can think of to keep busy to avoid thinking about it.

I keep telling myself how silly this all is and that I should just wait 3 more days for the arrival of AF, but at the same time, I just want to know.

I am not usually one for over analysing every little sign or symptom, but I feel almost the same this month as I did last, two unusual symptoms that I have not had before are feeling the need to pee even after I have just been to the toilet and an incredible headache. The headache is outstanding in the fact that it has lasted for four days and does not go away at all. It's also localised to one side of my head making it even sensitive to touch. I never get headaches like this, and never for this long.

So, as usual with this whole TTC saga, I'm waiting. I know there are many more women and couples out there waiting right along with me, but it feels like such a lonely time.


Tuesday 29 July 2014

Breaking point

There's a lot happening lately, and my mind isn't really in a place to be spelling out every little detail. I'm hoping that's going to change soon.

Following our early miscarriage, hubby and I visited the doctor together last Thursday night. She asked us some questions about what had been happening at home and work and then said something I hadn't expected to hear.

It is her belief that my stress levels are too high. She also said that although it is usually impossible to tell for sure, this is probably what contributed to our early loss. As she put it, when the body is stressed is shuts down all non-essential services.

She recommended that I take as much time off work as possible. Well, the first thing she told me to do was resign, but then we focused on the more realistic option! This was a big decision and one that hubby and I needed to really talk about. I had been saving all my personal and long service leave to add to maternity leave. When I mentioned this to the doctor she said straight out that if I didn't get myself sorted out that day might never come.

The way she put it was that we need to focus on our highest priority. If we want a baby, there's no time for messing around due to my age (although she always follows that with a reminder that her oldest new mum was 46). If I intend to take time out of teaching or only work part time after baby, then there is no sense in sacrificing so much now for a career that I'm not going to continue.

We went home and had a look at finances and my leave balances. I have over 11 weeks of long service saved and we can afford for me to take that on half pay, so... we did it. We made the decision that I will be off work for the rest of the year.

I'll write a bit more in the coming weeks about what I am hoping to do with myself during this time, but for now I have specialist appointments and follow ups, meetings with the mental health nurse and weekly acupuncture to worry about - as well as just getting used to being home alone all the time.

Tuesday 15 July 2014

Hopes on hold

If you have been following my blog, you will know that last week I got my first BFP. You might have also read that I was concerned about the test lines getting lighter rather than darker and this indicated a possible chemical pregnancy.

Unfortunately our fears have been realised and our hopes for extending our little family are on hold.

I chose not to test on Saturday and just to the best to enjoy a day off with hubby. By then, AF was 3 days late and I started spotting. Only once or twice throughout the day, but enough to convince me that I had lost my little Pea. Sunday morning arrived with no further spotting, so I took the chance and poas again. Complete, total, BFN. I wondered if it could be a faulty test, but the simplest explanation is usually the correct one and that afternoon AF arrived with full force. In fact, I would go so far as to say she arrived with more vengeance than usual.

Hubby took one look at me when he arrived home and just knew. He said all the right things, again, about taking it more seriously, smoking less, taking his vitamins, giving it a real go when the time was right... and as comforting as that was, I have heard it all before. The one thing he did point out is that it proves we can get pregnant, which is a huge positive after 5 months trying. He also said he was a little sad, but he is a very cautious person and hadn't got his hopes too high in the first place.

I thought after a bit of a cry and a good night's sleep I would be good to go, but I was wrong. School started back Monday morning and I thought I would be ok, but the pain and the cramps were unlike anything I have ever had before. I can usually get through AF with nothing more than a heat pack, this time, not even the painkillers were helping. I had been to see my Assistant Principal first thing to tell her what had happened, just to ask to be excused from after school meetings this week. She said she didn't think I should be at school, I thought I would be ok. I had to go back 30 minutes later, just before the bell for the start of school, to tell her that she was right after all. 

I was lucky enough to get an appointment with my GP right away. She was very supportive and wrote me a referral to a gynecologist as soon as she saw our 6 months was up. That's a bit scary in itself. She also talked a bit about what else she thought we could do, but wanted me to come back on Thursday with hubby as planned to talk in more detail. She gave me 3 days off work, but said she would make it the week if I felt by Thursday that I needed it. I'm tempted.

At this stage, AF had been around for 3 days and is as strong as ever. This is unusual for me as I usually only have 1 day of truly heavy flow, with 2 or 3 medium and 1 or 2 days light at the end. The cramping is ridiculous and I'm just generally feeling like I have been hit by a bus. The doctor also mentioned that it would take a while for my hormones to settle down. 

So, we wait another month. And we keep hoping.


Friday 11 July 2014

Symptom Spotting... again!

I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant. I have spent the last few days explaining away all of my symptoms, but here they are:

*Breathlessness - all the time, but I have asthma and it's cold outside
*Peeing a LOT - but I'm on holiday and don't have to hold it in for hours like I do at school
*Headache - there's a lot of stress in the family right now and I have had a headache for about a week (it actually hurts to touch my right eyebrow..)
*Gassy - mostly burping, but then I have been drinking a lot of sparkling water (may also contribute to the peeing!)
*Nausea - this could be from the worry about what's happening to my body, along with the family stress
*Tender breasts - normal symptom of PMS, too.
*Fatigue - SO tired, but I'm on holidays, I think I'm just being lazy. Having said that, have been asleep on the couch by 5 every night, and struggling to stay awake by about 9 - we usually sleep just after midnight


If a line on a hpt, no matter how light, means pregnant, then these symptoms aren't just my imagination. My only worry is that the lighter test results might indicate a chemical pregnancy. If so, these could be just the symptoms of the impending arrival of AF.

I guess only time (and lots more poas!) will tell =]


Could it be?

Still not 100% sure where we are at, but if conventional wisdom is anything to go by, a line is a line no matter how light which means - I'm pregnant!

Unfortunately, it might not be that straightforward.

So far I have 6 tests sitting in my little box. The darkest by far is from Wednesday, when I think I was 13dpo (possibly 11).


I have since tested again yesterday, the day AF was due, and again this afternoon - pretty much the same. No darker, perhaps a little lighter.

In the middle of that, I tested first thing this morning and got NOTHING. Well, that was my first thought. There may be a line there, but it is super light.

I have spend the morning reading forum posts from ladies asking the same things as me, 'Is it possible to get a BFN even when pregnant?' 'What does it mean if my hpts are getting lighter?' and so on.

My big fear at the moment is a chemical pregnancy.

There is lots of really helpful information out there about the sensitivity, validity, reliability, etc of hpts. The sensible thought seems to be that once you see a line, go to the doc for bloods and STOP testing! Due to a whole lot of reasons, tests can vary in their sensitivity. It's even possible to use the same urine and get 3 different results from the same box of tests. I honestly hadn't thought of it that way before.

When the box says, 70% effective from 4 days before missed period, I kind of assumed that if it picked you up that early, then ANY test would. But of course, the reliability of one test isn't based on the result of another. So it is possible to test negative, or have a lighter line, due only to the differences between each test. And then you have time of day, food and drink consumed, and all the rest than can effect the results.

I have also seen a few times that SMU can provide a better result than FMU. Given that I am peeing like crazy at the moment (you can see another post about my current symptoms here) I had been either testing at 5 or 6 in the morning, or lying in bed sleeplessly trying to hold on until a reasonable hour! I think I'll be testing again tomorrow with SMU!

So where do we go from here? Well, we are approaching this as if we are (still) pregnant. I have booked in for the doc next Thursday as hubby really wanted to come with me. By then, I'll be a week late and if AF hasn't arrived, we can go from there. If AF has arrived, I'll be grateful of the chance to discuss all this with my doctor.

Wish us luck! =]


Tuesday 8 July 2014

I'm Waiting!


It seems to be my life at the moment, and I am sure anyone caught up in the TTC process can relate!

A strange thing happened this morning. After deciding that I wouldn't poas as AF is only 2 days away and I am pretty certain we are out for this month (having only dtd once, the day before ovulation) I gave in a did anyway... and saw something I have never seen before. A thin, white/shiny line where the test line should be. It came up almost immediately, even before the control line was fully developed. A quick google wasn't much help. There were two main thoughts, one that it was a faulty test, but second was from women who had this result, then tested the next day and had a BFP.

I went out and bought another box of frers, but REALLY wanted to hold off until tomorrow. I'm nothing if not impulsive so I tried again. No shiny line, but I SWEAR there is an almost imperceptibly faint second line. I've poas quite a few times and have never had this experience before. It's always been an obvious BFN.

So now I am waiting, oh so patiently, for tomorrow to come so I can test again! Don't know if it is helping (I know it isn't!) but I have been talking to my tummy all morning, just praying, 'Hang on, little one!'

**If you haven't seen the Princess Bride, please do!

The Fertility "Myth"

It seems when you are trying to conceive that it comes naturally to everyone else, just not to you.

Everywhere you turn, friends, relatives and total strangers are announcing a pregnancy and you struggle along as you find a way to show your genuine happiness for the other person, while at the same time nursing the hurt of another fruitless cycle.


The supposed ease of getting pregnant is reinforced everywhere. We are taught in school that all it takes is just one time. We see movies and TV programs where a one night stand leads to pregnancy. We hear people saying 'We weren't even trying' or 'We got lucky first try.' I've known women who utter these phrases with a huge sense of pride and a smug grin as though somehow their apparent ability to fall pregnant with ease some how makes them a better person, or a better woman.

My own mother has been telling me for as long as I can remember to be sure to use protection because 'If you are anything like me, all he'll have to do is look at you.'

Experience tells me that this is not always the case. There are message boards full of women of all ages struggling to fall pregnant, and some going to extraordinary lengths to have that precious child to hold. These are the women who are made to feel that there must be something wrong with them or it would be as easy as everyone else says it is. I know there are medical and other circumstances that do make TTC more difficult for some couples than others, but that's not what I am talking about. I'm talking about the myth that you should be able to fall pregnant in the blink of an eye and the women who perpetuate this myth, even when it isn't true.

I was recently told that my parents actually tried for a long time before I came along. I have no idea why my own mother would tell me it was easy for her. I haven't told her that we are trying, but if and when we are successful, I'll be asking her. What is there to gain from telling your daughters that pregnancy was easy for you when it clearly wasn't?

I hope that if and when I do see those two magic lines, that when it comes to telling people, when the questions come about if we had planned this or not, that I will be able to say honestly that yes, this baby has been planned for, longed for and not fall into the trap of perpetuating this myth myself.

Friday 27 June 2014

Superstition, predictions, horoscopes and more!

I really wasn't feeling up to posting anything this cycle, besides the stress from work at this time of year, family issues and more, our TTC journey hit another bump.

As a combination of all those factors, we only managed to dtd once during 'Baby Week' the day before I think I was due to O. I was just about ready to count myself out for this cycle, hubby just wasn't interested, and then out of nowhere...

So I was at school thinking about how that might change our chances for this month, would it change if I o'd later than I thought, etc. I was on duty at lunch time when one of my students rushed up to me, threw his arms around my tummy and shouted "Mrs Williams is pregnant!" I think he was just referring to the fact that he was hanging on to the front of my like a baby - but he has been known to say strangely accurate things in the past! He also asked me a couple of months ago if I had any children. When I said no, he said, "but you will this year." Strange!

It got me thinking that there was an outside chance for a 'one hit wonder' and all the stories I have heard, and read on TTC boards about people who have been told they were pregnant before they even knew it themselves.

I have written before about the superstitions surrounding TTC and pregnancy. That hasn't stopped me from eagerly reading every story like this I can find and even looking at the Chinese gender prediction calendars each month!


So what other stories of predicted pregnancies have you heard? Share in the comments!

Wednesday 18 June 2014

What's a man to do?

Whether it is men or women, I really hate the generalising that goes on regarding the sexes.

I used to work with my hubby, and whenever I talk about it now, how much I miss it, women say to me, "How could you STAND it? I need my time at work to be away from him!" When we did work together, the girls there, and the women I now work with, consistently complain about their other half and their inability to do anything right. Or on time. Or to the required standard. My hubby is no angel, and there are plenty of things we disagree on or that I wish he would do differently - but I'm not going to whinge about it to a co worker!

When it comes to trying to conceive the generalisations start again. Women are 'baby obsessed' and men are supposedly happy about the regular sex as long as they don't have to know when or why.

I have had enough heartache in my life due to generalisations about men. I didn't marry one of those mythical creatures who want sex every minute of the day, who think about it every 7 seconds, or who put the sexual needs and pleasure of their partner first. It took me a long time to realise that it wasn't because something was wrong with me, or with him. It's just the way he is.

So when it came to TTC, I was really stuck. I knew that the increased frequency would be our first issue. It still is to some extent. I was, and still am, unsure about how much info to give him, and advice varies, but the general wisdom seems to be that the less they know about it the better.

I can't even comment on what it must be like for a sexually active man to think he has the green light for unlimited sex with his partner while TTC, only to be told that it has to be on this day at this time. I can relate to the woman who wishes for unlimited sex, knows that her chances are slim, and has to decide between just trying to get her partner in the mood - or telling him that being in the mood right now is really important! I can comment on the hubby who has little interest in sex, due to work, stress and other reasons, and sees it as perfectly acceptable to turn his wife down repeatedly, and tells her that sex for any reason, let alone TTC, is too much pressure.

I was recently reading an article about "The man's role when TTC" and it got me really angry. I understand from reading his other posts that this man has had a tough time of the TTC journey with his wife, but some of the generalisations made in the article were just too much for me. His 'advice' basically boils down to not including your man in the process at all and 'putting on that sexy little number' to get him in the mood. The whole article seems to imply that men are fragile creatures who can't bear to have to think about or consider anything besides being desired for sex. Is that really how it is? I am certain, from experience, that if I took that path I would never have sex with my hubby again, let alone fall pregnant.

So what do we do? How much do I tell? What do I say? Well, that's something I am still waiting to figure out...

Sunday 15 June 2014

When Nothing Goes To Plan...

It was another one of those months.

We had carefully planned out our schedule. We had an agreed timeline. Then hubby's work threw us a curve ball, a six day roster during our 'Baby Week' - bummer. he assured me it wouldn't have any impact, I told him I thought otherwise. In the end, all that mattered was we didn't manage to dtd even once in that week. We tried to make up for it on the weekend, on the off chance I might have ovulated late. Turns out even that was wrong as AF arrived 3 days early.

That in itself was an unpleasant surprise. I had noticed super light spotting 6 days before AF was due. Still there the next morning, but not even enough for a liner. Thought it may be AF arriving early but when the spotting carried on the next morning, I thought it could be that elusive implantation spotting. I have never, ever, had spotting for 3 days before AF. But now I have, so I seem to have even less idea about what my body is doing than I did before!

It also means that my last cycles have been 33, 36, 33 and 30. This is making it tricky to predict possible ovulation dates. My current app uses all past cycles to give a fairly wide fertile window. Hubby and I are pretty committed to dtd every 2-3 days, so this isn't much of a concern, but we like to be extra sure, and try for an extra session or two, during that time. After reading the experiences and the advice of the lovely ladies on the TTC #1 forum on Essential Baby I am considering starting temping or using OPKs. I don't think either will really suit my lifestyle though! I never sleep through the night, so from what I have read and understand temping wont be very accurate or useful. As for OPKs, many seem to need to be done in the afternoon, and as a teacher I rarely get to the bathroom during the day. One helpful member did mention that she uses them between 5-5.30, that's the kind of time I would be looking at, too.

We are only into our fourth cycle, and I am trying to keep in mind the couples I know who have been trying for much longer. At the same time, many of them are younger and while they keep saying that they have time to wait, I'm really struggling with the feeling that I am running out of time. My next AF should be due around the end of the school holidays. I am thinking of making a doctor's appointment for that time, either for pregnancy bloods, if we should be so lucky, or to talk about other options.

In the meantime, I would love any hints or tips that others have used to pin down that elusive egg - any sharing would be happily welcomed! =]

Tuesday 27 May 2014

Diet Blow Out

As you may have read, I had a pretty rough month in May. As a result of this, I totally blew my low carb eating plan that I have been following so carefully, and easily, for the previous 8 months. Unfortunately, I think I have put back on almost all the weight that I lost in that time.

But, this week marks a fresh start and I have my eating plan all worked out.

Breakfast - yoghurt OR breakfast quiche
Mid-morning snack - macadamia nuts
Lunch - Tuna salad or vegie soup
Mid-afternoon snack - almond crackers and cheese OR breakfast quiche
Dinner - mexican beef and veg with cheese and salsa
Dessert - low carb chocolate cheesecake


That's a lot of food, and I usually miss the mid morning or afternoon snack depending on work. I have done all the cooking and I have the week's meals prepared, so there wont be any temptation to stray.

Here's to a new beginning!

Sunday 25 May 2014

New Blog Title!

I've been thinking about this for a while, but especially now that I am no longer 35!

I wanted to change to something that reflects how I am feeling, but also something that can stick with me - I'm not planning on changing the title again.

You + Me = Family means a lot of things to me. Firstly, it is a reminder to hubby and I that even if it is just the two of us, we are still a family. That has been something we have really worked on over the last 5 years as we are both from pretty big families but we think it is important to realise that even if it just the two of us, we are our own family now.

It also means that it is the unique combination of hubby and me that will make up the genetics and personality of any children we are blessed enough to have. That's a really important reminder. It's also a reminder that no matter how long it takes, that how long it will take to create the child that is supposed to be a part of our family.

Maybe I'm being a little sentimental, but I like the new change. What do you think?

Another Month on the TTC Rollercoaster

It's hard to believe that a month has past since the last time I updated this page. But at the same time, it almost feels like forever.

We had another unsuccessful cycle, although it's pretty easy to see why when I look back. Although we managed to do the deed, so to speak, four times during my fertile window only two of those were PIV. It was pretty disheartening to look back and notice that and it lead to a big conversation with hubby about how there are plenty of other times in the month that we can explore other approaches to intimacy but during that specific time we need to make sure we do it 'right.' It's a pretty touchy subject, because I am just happy that we are having more sex! I don't want to say or do anything to put the pressure on, but at the same time, knowing that sex can be hard to come by, I want to make sure it counts. Hubby did mention that he finds the 'we have to do this now' aspect a bit hard to deal with and that it can take away some of his enthusiasm - something I have to be mindful of as it's hard enough to get him in the mood at the best of times.

The arrival of AF was a bit of a shocker. I was already feeling really down about the fact that I was about to turn 36 and still no closer to having a baby in my arms. I'd always thought that 35 would be the time I stopped having kids, not the time when I would still be struggling to start! Not only that, but of all days to find out I was not pregnant... it was Mother's Day.

All in all, a pretty rough month. hubby and I went away for a few days at the beginning of this cycle, just to take some time to connect without having to worry about work and knowing that we could dtd just for the fun of it! It really helped and put him in a much less stressful frame of mind and helped me to cheer up a bit. We also spent a bit of time talking practically about fertile windows, cycle length and all manner of things TTC that he was feeling curious about.

So this cycle's fertile window has just opened. We started with a bang (!) and the plan is to try every 2nd day this cycle and hope that we can catch that elusive egg. Of course life always intervenes, hubby just found out he's been rostered on to work 6 days this week and I have a hectic week at work with reports due next Monday - but we have a plan and will be trying to stick to it! One of the lovely ladies on the EB forum wrote about waiting for the right cycle and knowing that it was that particular egg and that exact sperm that had to meet to create the baby you would one day fall in love with - I guess I'm just impatient to meet that beautiful child!

Sunday 27 April 2014

The Pressure of TTC

It's been a while since my last post. We had the visit from AF, then it was school holidays, and time just flies by!

Right at the moment we are in the middle of our fertile window for this cycle and it seems hubby is not really interested. Overall, we have been intimate a lot more regularly than we have previously. Whereas before TTC we averaged about once a week, we are now sticking to every 2-3 days pretty well. One problem has been that hubby is missing all the other intimate activities we usually get up to, even though I have promised him that between AF and ovulation we can do whatever he likes! He also turned me down twice yesterday, which is another story for another day, but needless to say the hurt is lingering today.

I have also been reading a bit about reactions to pregnancy news from those who are themselves TTC. I know that I am putting myself under pressure to be the first on my mum's side of the family to have a baby, and there have been a whole lot of weddings at work lately and I'm hoping to beat all the new brides to it! I know it sounds silly, but this is the pressure that I am putting on myself.

I've read about people being angry, jealous or upset that others have a relatively easy TTC journey, a couple of months or so, while they have been struggling for years. One comment I even read what directed at someone who had "finally" conceived after two months. While the commenter expressed congratulations, she also felt that the poster didn't really understand what disappointment felt like. It got me thinking.

Hubby and I have only been 'officially' TTC for two months. I have been on BC the whole time we have been married, BUT... I have been waiting since our wedding for this time to come. So while we have only really been trying for a little while, I feel like I have been waiting for 5 years already! The thought of waiting another 12 months makes me feel physically ill.

How long did you try before TTC your first? How did it make you feel to hear others announce their pregnancy while you were still trying? Any advice to share on how to cope?


Monday 7 April 2014

Coconut Cravings

I absolutely adore the taste of coconut. I use coconut oil in my cooking whenever I can, I love coconut milk in my curries and stir fries, and I LOVE Bounty bars.

On a low carb diet, a Bounty is out of the question. I tried the Atkins brand low carb equivalent and had severe stomach pains, I'm guessing due to the malitol used. I tested it again a week later just to be sure it wasn't a coincidence, I needed my coconut fix!


Today I decided to come up with an alternative. I was looking into making my own low carb condensed milk, but I'm not interested in leaving the house today to buy the ingredients I need, so that will have to wait for another time. I was considering rolling to balls, making a log... but went for the quick, easy option, mini cupcake moulds.

Low Carb Coconut Treats
2c desiccated coconut
1/2c coconut cream (mine had been in the fridge so I just used the solids)
1/4c Natvia (will probably use less next time)

Mix together and divide between moulds, I filled 24 and had enough for 4 or 5 more.

100g Old Gold
2 tbsp coconut oil

Melt together and pour into moulds over top  of coconut mixture.
Refrigerate until set, keep refrigerated.

Totally love these, they're about 3.6g carbs each, with about 1.5g fiber, so... yay! Low carb coconut fix!


Sunday 30 March 2014

When is a negative not a negative?

Theoretically, my TWW has ended. In reality, I'm still waiting for either a positive test, or for my period to arrive. At this point, I'll take either!

I have also changed my view on home testing. I started testing on Wednesday, thinking that I would like to know early and got a negative. Didn't worry me too much at the time as I thought it would be too early anyway. Tested again on Friday, 12DPO, negative. That put me into a bit of a funk. I spent most of the day at work googling how HPTs work and what is considered 'normal' for HcG levels in early pregnancy. I also ate a ridiculous number of carbs, not only as comfort food, but to help with nausea. Saturday I spent trying not to think about testing the following day, or the impending arrival of AF. This morning I tested again, another negative. I have one test left that I will probably use, next Friday, but after that, I'm done.

There is something to be said for waiting to find out. Ignorance is bliss? I don't know what it is, but I really could have done without the stress of the last couple of days. For me, it seems that just waiting to find out if/when AF arrives is going to be the best way to cope. I have resolved not to buy another HPT until I have missed my period. Hopefully I can stick to it!

So, what do I know? I know that my tests are negative, and that AF is not on the scene. I also know from my research that HPTs rely on average levels HcG of about 25 to give a positive result (with some variation) and that this is the 'average' level about 2 days before your period is due, if you are pregnant. Further reading has shown me that a level of 18 is within the 'normal' range up to the fifth week of pregnancy. Very low, the high end of the fifth week range is in the thousands, but still, it's there.

So what does that mean for me? I guess it means that it's still possible that I am pregnant, and then all my crazy symptoms of the last two weeks will make sense. It could also mean that I am not, and AF is due any day. It could also mean that my body is still adjusting to coming off BC and that is what is causing the symptoms. Right now, it also means that my wait continues...

Wednesday 26 March 2014

More Onesie Designs

Trying to keep myself occupied for a couple more days before testing, here are a few more of the designs I've been working on.

I think the little puppy is adorable. I also have a feeling that this won't be the last Lord of the Rings inspired baby item that I make!


Tuesday 25 March 2014

Keeping Busy in the TWW

Seems like an almost impossible task, right?!

I am lucky that I have a fairly demanding job, lots of planning and preparation and then a room full of students to keep me occupied for most of the day. It's the nights and weekends that get me. I have been doing a bit of reading, a bit of crafting but honestly, I have felt so bad that I haven't really been up to doing anything. That means that I sit and think. As I was aimlessly browsing, trying NOT to google every symptom I am feeling, I found a great list of "14 things to do when 14 days seem like forever" on the BabyBelly.com.au site.

In shorthand, here are the ideas:
1. Take a walk
2. Clean out ready for maternity wear
3. Start a journal
4. Plant a hope garden
5. Get better at photography
6. Make an appeal to your reproductive system!
7. Paint your toenails
8. Make a cup of herbal tea
9. Swim laps
10.Make lists
11. Create a fertility dance
12. Prepare a folic acid feast
13. Delegate the burden of the TWW to friends and family
14. Make a list of 14 things to do in the TWW

So I took the last one to heart, and here is what I came up with:
1. Cooking dinner for the week ahead
2. Clean out the spare room
3. Sort the bookshelf
4. Check Pinterest for great newborn photography ideas
5. Herbal tea - peppermint
6. Make lists of names, especially girls names as we can't think of many!
7. Make a list of who to tell and when
8. Draw up the pattern for the ring toy I want to make
9. Sketch some ideas for nursery decor (I LOVE drawing)
10. Read that book my sister gave me for Christmas, can't even remember what it is called, but it's big!
11. Plan the type of pregnancy/baby diary I want to keep, check Pinterest for ideas!
12. Plan all my lessons until the end of term, it's only two weeks away
13. Ring mum and nan for a catch up
14. Plan how I will tell hubby if I get a BFP!

So that's it, this is the list I am working through this week trying to keep my mind of how sick I am feeling and definitely NOT thinking about the TWW.  Here's hoping it works!

What do you do, or try to do, to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied during the TWW?

Sunday 23 March 2014

Early Pregnancy Symptoms before Implantation

I have been doing a lot of reading this weekend. I had thought, on my limited medical knowledge, that there would be no way for a woman to feel any pregnancy symptoms before implantation. I thought that this was when the baby and mother started interacting, and therefore the first time for hormones to have any impact on the mother.

Then I spent the last week feeling awful.

I have had bloating, cramps and nausea every day for the last week. I have been extremely tired, to the point where I have been in bed very early the last 3 nights and actually slept for 16 hours yesterday. I have been short of breath and using my asthma puffer regularly during the day, not something I normally have to do. I developed an allergic reaction to my wedding ring and I totally lost interest in sex. The last 3 days I have had terrible headaches and an awful taste in my mouth. So I took a HPT, thinking that surely if I was feeling all this I must be pregnant.

BFN.

So I started researching. I looked for the type of EPS that women reported at 3 and 4 weeks. I looked up if it is even possible to have symptoms before implantation and although the replies from some forum members seem to be a loud "NO!" the research I saw said that maybe it isn't so crazy.

HCG, the hormone associated with the symptoms of pregnancy, isn't the only hormone that can cause these symptoms. The other culprit is progesterone. This starts to build from the moment of ovulation and some of the articles I ready suggested that this hormone increases once conception or fertilisation occurs. I also read that there are some women who are more susceptible to these types of changes in their hormone levels.

Theoretically, it is possible that I am pregnant and that would explain the terrible way I have been feeling. But because this is our first try, because I have been on BC for a few years and not ovulating, there is another theory I am starting to think is more likely.

If progesterone is only released after ovulation, and I haven't been ovulating while on BC, then it could just be that my body is not used to having this hormone in my system and I am reacting to it. The other problem is that although I am off BC I don't know when or even if I am ovulating. I think I know, based on pains and twinges I felt just over a week ago, but I don't know for sure.

So I don't really know what that BFN means. Am I pregnant but it is too early to test? Or is it a genuine BFN and I should expect a visit from dear old AF any day now?

I suppose only time will tell. The TWW continues!

Wednesday 19 March 2014

Symptom Spotting

This TWW business is crazy!  I'm so overly aware of every niggle and twinge, wondering if it could mean that there's a baby on the way.  Here's my list so far, almost half way (I think) in to my TWW:

*Nausea, every day since Sunday. This is what first got me thinking but I feel like that's way too early
*Bloating
*Cramps, nothing bad, just dull and constant
*Fatigue
*Headaches
*Allergic reaction to my wedding ring, my mum used to say this happened to her while pregnant.

I think that's it! So many of these can be explained away, especially the tiredness and headache, it's coming up to the end of term after all.

AF  is due end of next week, here's hoping she stays away!

Monday 17 March 2014

Our First Ever Two Week Wait!

If (and it's a big 'if') my cycle has stayed the same after coming off birth control,  we are just starting our first TWW. Crazy!

I have decided to take things easy this first month, no temping or checking CM, just making time to DTD every 2-3 days and we'll see what happens.  Possibly naive,  but I think this is best for us.

 I'm lucky to be fluctuating between forgetting about it altogether and then remembering and realising that I can't know yet, so I just go back to whatever I was doing.  I'm sure that will change as the days count down!

For now, Pinterest is keeping me occupied,  I gave 4 secret baby boards on the go. I'll share some of my favorite pins in another post.

11 days to go...

Sunday 9 March 2014

Low Carb Baking

It's Sunday again!

I'm getting my fix in the kitchen this week, rather than crafting - but I have been to Spotlight today and stocked up on a whole lot of materials for my next projects!

Since starting my low carb eating plan, I have found that my weight is finally coming under control. My problem is that about 6 years ago I gained a whole lot of weight very quickly, about 20kg in 6 months. This was due to depression and a number of other factors. Once I had myself sorted out, no matter what I did I could not budge the weight. I joined Weight Watchers, I counted calories, I exercised every day (all that did was make me more hungry and harder to keep under that calorie count!) and I even had blood tests done to see if there was anything else going on.

After about 4 years of this, on my return to Australia after being in the UK for 3 years, my doctor suggested a low carb diet. I was scared about giving up all the foods I loved and often craved (bread, rice and potatoes being the worst!) but also about the effect this would have on my baking. I have since found that there are a multitude of alternatives that can be made for traditional recipes - here are a few of my latest.

Muffin in a Mug
This is a quick and easy recipe that I have been experimenting with. The basic recipe is:
1/4c almond flour
1/2tsp baking powder
1/2 packet sweetener
1 tsp cinnamon
1 egg, beaten
1 tsp oil or butter, melted

You mix all the dry ingredients, add the wet and then microwave for 1 minute. I sometimes find them a little too 'eggy' so cook for another 20-30 seconds.

I usually cook these in a big soup mug to give a wide, flat muffin which I usually slice in half and toast. I have also taken out the sugar and cinnamon to make a savoury muffin which I have used as a burger bun. Today, I tried 3 different variations:

Coconut Muffin in a Mug
1/4c almond flour
1/2tsp baking powder
1 tsp natvia
1/8 c shredded coconut
1 tsp coconut essence
1 egg, beaten
1 tsp coconut oil, melted


"Sticky Date" Muffin in a Mug
1/4c almond flour
1/2tsp baking powder
1 tsp natvia
1/8 c finely chopped dates
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp vanilla essence
1 egg, beaten
1 tsp oil


Choc Date Brownie in a Mug
1/4c almond flour
1/2tsp baking powder
1 tsp natvia
2 tsp unsweetened cocoa powder
1/8c finely chopped dates
1/8c chopped unsweetened dark choc
1 tsp vanilla essence
1 egg, beaten
1 tsp oil
(As this one has a few added extras, I cooked it in a narrow mug so I could cut it into three pieces)

I also wanted to have a go at making cheese scones. I knew I wouldn't be able to match that light fluffy texture, but thought I would be able to get quite close.

Cheese Scones
3c almond meal (I used 2 1/2c almond meal and 1/2c flax meal)
1 tbsp baking powder (this was a guess, maybe a little more next time)
1 tsp salt (might leave this out next time)
2c grated extra tasty cheese (I might add a little cooked, chopped bacon next time!)
1/4c thickened cream
2 eggs

1. Mix dry ingredients
2. Add cheese
3. Add eggs and cream
4. Mix until dough forms
5. Roll out to about 2cm thick. I cut mine into rounds, but the fastest way would be to cut dough into squares or triangles. I got 22 from the batch, will probably make them a little thicker next time.
6. Cook at 165 for about 20-25 minutes

If you are reading this and have made the conversion to low carb, what is your favourite recipe? Please share in the comments!