Breaking point

There's a lot happening lately, and my mind isn't really in a place to be spelling out every little detail. I'm hoping that's going to change soon.

Following our early miscarriage, hubby and I visited the doctor together last Thursday night. She asked us some questions about what had been happening at home and work and then said something I hadn't expected to hear.

It is her belief that my stress levels are too high. She also said that although it is usually impossible to tell for sure, this is probably what contributed to our early loss. As she put it, when the body is stressed is shuts down all non-essential services.

She recommended that I take as much time off work as possible. Well, the first thing she told me to do was resign, but then we focused on the more realistic option! This was a big decision and one that hubby and I needed to really talk about. I had been saving all my personal and long service leave to add to maternity leave. When I mentioned this to the doctor she said straight out that if I didn't get myself sorted out that day might never come.

The way she put it was that we need to focus on our highest priority. If we want a baby, there's no time for messing around due to my age (although she always follows that with a reminder that her oldest new mum was 46). If I intend to take time out of teaching or only work part time after baby, then there is no sense in sacrificing so much now for a career that I'm not going to continue.

We went home and had a look at finances and my leave balances. I have over 11 weeks of long service saved and we can afford for me to take that on half pay, so... we did it. We made the decision that I will be off work for the rest of the year.

I'll write a bit more in the coming weeks about what I am hoping to do with myself during this time, but for now I have specialist appointments and follow ups, meetings with the mental health nurse and weekly acupuncture to worry about - as well as just getting used to being home alone all the time.