A small sleep deprived update...

She's here!

We have had our share of troubles in the last 10 days, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is the most perfect thing I have ever seen and we are enjoying every minute getting to know her xx

38 weeks

So the tracker I have been using for this blog conveniently stops at 37 weeks - thankfully the amazing babysizer.com was there to help me out! I wish I had known about this site earlier, a lovely mix of the factual and the slightly odd :)

The day I thought would never come has arrived. In the next 24 hours our little girl will be in my arms - unbelievable. I've been completely overwhelmed and it is no exaggeration to say that my anxiety has been worse in the last two weeks than at almost any point in the pregnancy.

Christmas Eve saw us watching the carols and baby was wiggling around like crazy. I suddenly had a complete meltdown, imagining this was the last time I felt her move, and I could see the entire thing playing out in my head from the ambulance to the heart-rending wailing... it was just so vivid. It took me a while to calm down and hubby was amazingly supportive. Part of what upset me so much in the end was that I could imagine losing our little one so easily, and so vividly, but I can't keep a clear picture in my mind of her being here with us.  He then decided that maybe there were too many babies on the carols and a dose of Die Hard was what we needed to get through Christmas Eve.

We ended up awake well into Christmas Day and hubby took some lovely pictures of me and the bump in front of the tree, her first Christmas as he said and he wanted to have photos to remember it.

A few more appointments helped the time pass and hearing her tiny heart pounding away during the CTG was enough to keep me going.

Then New Year's Eve. In talking about this last night I'm not surprised that the two big dates set me off. After all, we are missing our babies that could have been with us, and trying to focus on the one who IS with us - it's all a bit overwhelming really. Hubby said some lovely things about having our little girl with us to celebrate the New Year and gave both of us a kiss which set of tears of a completely different kind.

The bags are packed, the house is ready and now we wait. We have a quiet night planned tonight, before our world completely changes tomorrow.  Thank you to everyone who has followed and supported me on this journey through this blog, it has meant a lot to me.

I'll be back soon to post about the next chapter in our journey xx

33 weeks!

Our sweet little pineapple :)

These days are just getting away from me so quickly! With at least three appointments a week (sometimes just three in one day) I find it hard to do more than one 'big' thing in a day. Basically anything that I have to drive to, walk to or think too much about. Terrible I know, but that's the way it seems to be.

I've also been incredibly lucky to have hubby off work for a couple of weeks and as well as painting the entire house, we spent a lot of time bonding with baby and each other - so no electronic distractions. It was lovely and extra special as it was the first time off he's had on nearly two years.

Baby is doing very well and I have dropped my progesterone to only 400mg each night. It's still being monitored every two weeks, but I hope, after yesterday's test to be able to stop altogether. My blood pressure is low, m,y GD is under control and baby is doing fine. At the moment there's not much more I can ask.

I am still having terrible anxiety attacks, but they're becoming more spaced apart. The only problem is that when they do happen, they seem to be much bigger, rather than lots of little fleeting ones, some last for a very long time.

One night during his break, hubby and I were sitting watching something terrible on netflix, and old favourite he hadn't seen for years> It was lovely, relaxing and he was snuggled up close playing with baby, pressing back where she moved and whispering to her. Completely out of the blue I had a totally overwhelming feeling that this would be the last time we ever felt her move. There was no reason to think that way, but I was absolutely convinced that it was the truth. Cue a major panic attack that not only completely ruined what was a lovely family moment, but also sent hubby into a panic as he thought something was wrong and I wasn't telling him. 

We eventually settled back down, but I really didn't completely shake the feeling until I woke during the night for one of my many toilet stops and felt her move again.

I also really struggle with wanting her out right now. I know she is fine in there, especially when I'm feeling her moving so actively and it scares me that anything could happen between now and when she's born. I feel like if she was out now, although she would need special care, at least we would be able to see what was going on and do something to help her. As it is, anything can happen and we'd have no idea until it was too late.

Keep wiggling, baby girl. Not long to go now!

29 weeks

Our little pumpkin is wriggling away as I write. She moves almost constantly now, with little rest breaks throughout the day. I love every moment of it.

I have had a few moments of panic when my schedule has changed (getting up earlier for appointments) and so I haven't felt her move at the same times. I have used the doppler a couple of times, mostly because I know it gets her moving! If I was to hear her heartbeat but still no movement I'd be calling the hospital immediately.

My 28 week appointment was a total disaster. I know I have mentioned before how much I hate this hospital and my desire not to have to go there every again... just when I think it'll be ok I have another terrible appointment.

I managed not to cry until I got to the hospital, usually the anxiety of going there was me in a wreck before I even get in the car to drive there. I had the antiD injection, routine enough, then waited to see the doctor. Not a long wait which was nice, but then I got a lecture about not having my scans at the hospital as he couldn't find the results. I told him that at the last appointment the doctor had rung the clinic who had faxed the results immediately. He told me rather than that I should just come back in two weeks. He then took my blood pressure, measured the size of my bump with his hands and that was it. I asked him if he wanted to test my sample, he took it but didn't test it. I asked him if he wanted to look at my xrays to talk about my back injury and delivery options, he said no and that was it. I was a bit upset and shocked by how quick and abrupt the appointment was, and when I got to the desk to book the follow up and was told they couldn't fit me in, I broke down.

I understand it is not the receptionists fault, and I made sure to tell her that, it was just that I'd been told if the scans showed anything I would be sent for two weekly checks, and now here I was coming back in two weeks without the last scan being checked and something could have been picked up that would be too late by then... I couldn't get my head around it. Then to be told that I would just have to wait and see if there was a cancellation, was just too much.

I came home and hubby was angry to see how upset I was. He looked in my notes and saw that besides the antiD, nothing had been done or discussed that was set for the 28 week appointment. He rang the hospital to complain and was put through to their customer experience department who were at lunch. He then rang the clinic where we had our scans to see if they could email them to us, which they were more than happy to do... but their computers were down. So he then rand to ask to speak to my GP. We knew that she wouldn't be able to discuss the scan fully over the phone, all we wanted to know was if anything had come up that needed to be followed up sooner rather than later. Thankfully, she told us that everything in the conclusions report was 'normal' which was wonderful to hear.

I have since been to the maternal psychologist and before I left, she made a point to tell me that she thinks all our experiences at the hospital should be reported and we should make an official complaint. It was nice to know that I wasn't overreacting!

I've had a terrible head cold which has had my blood glucose numbers all over the place and my diabetes educator has increased my insulin accordingly. She felt that even if the high numbers were just due to illness, the demand for insulin on my body was only going to get higher and that I had done well to be on such a low dose for such a long time.

I have a follow up progesterone test on Monday to see what impact dropping my 400mg midday dosage has had - that'll be the next thing to keep me awake at night. Before gearing up for another hospital appointment on Friday!

27 Weeks

Some of these vegetable sizes really don't mean anything to me! I know how big a cauliflower is, I also know that my baby is bigger than that!

I hadn't realised that a month had passed since my last post. It has been a tricky month. Four weeks between scans, and I made it to the end without too much panic. We have also gone through a few painful anniversaries and the observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and the Wave of Light. All of these events have brought their own painful memories and reminders that there aren't really a lot of people standing with us in our loss.

Well, perhaps that isn't fair. I know everyone has such busy lives and troubles and concerns of their own. I know that I also haven't been the most supportive friend in the last couple of years as I have struggled just to hold myself together, much less be a support to anyone else.  And I haven't directly reached out for help so I suppose I can't expect too much. At the same time, on October 15th, my feed was flooded with images of people lighting candles in honour of their nieces, nephews, grandchildren and children of their friends. I received one message of a lighted candle and it honestly almost made me feel worse, as though the person was ashamed to post it publicly. Probably the ramblings of a grieving yet hormonal pregnant woman!

We are also coming up to the due date of the little one we lost at the beginning of the year. In truth, knowing we were looking at a 38 week arrival at the latest, we would already have that little bundle in our arms. Still can't get my head around the fact that if that baby had survived I wouldn't be carrying the little girl I am so in love with now. I just avoid thinking about it too much, because I don't think it is something that will ever make sense.

Our little girl is doing wonderfully. We had our 28 week scan yesterday and everything was perfect. She's measuring long, but not too big at the moment, which is a blessing considering my gestational diabetes. We even saw her perfect little face on a brief 3D scan, and she gave us a little smile. She's super active and feeling all those little kicks and rolls is such a wondrous feeling.

I am also doing better than I was a few weeks ago. Not working is doing wonders for my back and nerve pain in my leg, as is twice weekly hydrotherapy. Baby seems to love the sensation of being in the pool, she's been extra active the last few visits. I'm also finally able to drop my midday progesterone dose (yay!) as my last reading was over 100, which everyone was thrilled with. Will monitor again in two weeks and go from there.

Hospital follow up to the scan is on Friday, they've asked me to bring in all my scans from my back to make a firm decision about delivery, so I should have a better idea of what to expect by then.

Thanks to those who checked in on me between posts, it is really lovely to know there are people looking our for out little girl x

15 Weeks

I was back at school last week and completely exhausted, so no update! Two main things happened, one was my early glucose tolerance test which I'll post about next time, the other was a shopping trip with hubby.

It's rare for us to have two days off in a row together, much less the weekend, so when he knew he would be off hubby requested that we go shopping as he needed new shirts and trousers for work - fun! I also knew I needed a couple of extra tops for work, baby is making it's presence known!

I asked if possible could we stop in somewhere and buy a little something for baby. A blanket, a toy, a book... anything really, just something little to make it feel a bit more real and give a little optimism. Hubby readily agreed.

Shopping for ourselves was fine, although I did have a little moment in the first shop as all the clothes were horrible and too tight and clingy. I'm not even thinking of maternity clothes, just 'normal' clothes a couple of sizes larger.

Once I had bought my tops we went looking for something for baby. We checked out a couple of cots and car seats and confirmed our thoughts, but nowhere near ready being able to buy anything like that. We were looking at blankets and cot sets and there were so many lovely whites and greys, exactly what we have in mind for our little one's room. We ummed and ahhed over a few, hubby was even trying to get me to buy more than one as we couldn't decide!

Having made our choice of a lovely knitted blanket, a perfect match for the chair we have ordered, I was ready to leave. As we were, hubby spotted a "Love at first sight" ultrasound photo frame that he thought we should get. I burst into tears. I know it had been building, looking at all of the baby items, but all I could think of what that we still might lose this little one that we love more and more every moment. He was so lovely, giving me a hug and a kiss on the forehead as I sobbed in the middle of the store - something that would usually make him hugely uncomfortable. But he did it. For me. For us. It's not just baby that I love more and more every moment.

14 Weeks

Officially in the 2nd trimester for the first time! Woohoo!

We had our 13 week scan on Monday and bubba is looking perfect. Measuring right on track for every measurement and, even though we already have a low risk assessment from the NIPT, the NT measurements were all perfect as well. Was overwhelming to see all the little numbers, like the tiny thing bones measuring 1.2cm.

That afternoon we had the first midwife appointment at the hospital. Again I freaked out about having to see the Doctor from last time, thankfully he was nowhere to be seen. The appointment was much less complex than I thought it would be, basically she asked a few questions about diet and lifestyle, and told us a bit of information about parenting classes, etc. She did also say that due mainly to my age but also BMI I am high risk for gestational diabetes and that I have to go for an early GTT. That's booked in for next week.

After such a positive scan we decided to tell my family. It was really difficult. I just kept hearing over and over how 'things have worked out now' and really, who knows? There was also mention of 'first grandchild etc and that was hard to take. The first couple of times I corrected people, to acknowledge the babies we have lost, but in the end I just stopped, it was too upsetting to go over each time.

So to top it off I have been feeling a little odd since Tuesday night. After a busy day, I started to feel a little aching in the muscles on either side of my tummy. This stayed around on Wednesday and I didn't feel the little 'flutters' I've been thinking are baby. Still didn't feel 100% on Thursday and started to worry that something had gone wrong. I'm sure it was just my over reaction to telling people on Tuesday, I was sure I had jinxed this pregnancy somehow. Late Thursday everything seems to be back to 'normal' and I felt my little flutters last night and again this morning. I hope all is well in there!

My progesterone this week was 50.8 (161.4) and the specialist is happy with that. She said minor fluctuations are normal, and as I had dropped my dose it was to be expected, but still well above where she wants me at the moment. She also wants me to stay on the current dose for the next week and see how we go.

I'm hoping to head back to school next week. The high progesterone and the midday dose is causing extreme fatigue but seems to have eased off a little. It's only three days so I'm hoping I can manage!

13 Weeks

So now we have reached 13w3d! Every day is another step closer and that's what I keep reminding myself. Today our baby is still with us and that has to be enough.

After my little scare on Monday I was thrilled to get my progesterone results back yesterday, 171! 53.4! Amazing! It's looking more likely that the placenta has well and truly kicked in as I had only been on the extra 400mg of progesterone for 2 days when this test was taken. On hearing the result our specialist was thrilled and wants me to drop down 200mg for the week and we will test again next week. If all is well, I'll drop 200mg a week until I am off.

Having heard that news, my anxiety then switched to the next available target - Monday. Monday is a big day for us. We are having our big 12 week (but almost 14 week) scan, redrawing for the NIPT and then in the afternoon I have my first midwife appointment which means going back to the hospital again. I am so scared of having to see that previous specialist again - I can't get it out of my head! I'm also a little worried that I won't have the results of that morning's scan to take with me, but my GP didn't seem to think that was a big deal.

I finally remembered to get my blood pressure taken again, back to 130/80 which is exactly normal for me. This was good news after my high reading at the previous hospital appointment with the high risk registrar.

Apart from that, the next question will be how much longer I can put off telling family. My little bump is obvious to me (I can feel it in the way all my clothes are starting to feel so snug!) but it's winter so jumpers and jackets and my natural 'padding' go a long way to hiding it, most of the time. It's just that weekly visit to my nan that has me worried! Nothing escapes her! I'm also really starting to feel that I want people to know about our baby. I want to be able to tell people about their grandchild, niece or nephew, or cousin, I really want people to acknowledge that this little one exists...but I also break out in a cold sweat thinking about it! The other thing that worries me is people thinking that suddenly our other babies don't matter, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I overheard someone talking in the supermarket about having two children under 2 years old and thought, 'That could have been me.' Needless to say tears soon followed.

As much as I am in love with the little one growing inside me, nothing will ever take the place of the babies we have loved before and lost.

The storm continues

It may sound strange to say, but the scan I had on Wednesday which confirmed that we had lost our little one was the loveliest scan I have had so far.

I went to my GP in the morning, following our last scan with the specialist and she was horrified to hear what had been happening since I last saw her. (I should also add, she was fully booked but when I said what was happening she made a point of seeing me during her break time)

She immediately rang a private scan centre nearby and asked if they could squeeze me in, they told me to come down asap. My doctor also suggested that I should go straight there, not wait until hubby was off work the next day. It meant going alone, which we both hated, but there was no choice as he couldn't get anyone to replace him at work (more on that another day).

Thankfully, there was only one other couple waiting and they were gone almost immediately, so I didn't have to listen to their excited conversation. My doctor had made a point of letting them know that it was a suspected miscarriage, I didn't want some poor tech to be traumatised by the thought of giving me bad news. As much as I was hoping for the best, we were prepared for the worst.

She was so patient and kind, asking questions about my health and the pregnancy. When she was doing the scan, she explained everything that she was doing and took multiple measurements. She pointed out to me on the screen all the things she was looking at and looking for. She didn't just stop at looking for a heartbeat, she also looked for blood flow. She measured our little baby from different angles and gave us a better idea of when baby had stopped growing. I can't adequately express the calm, peace and empathy the lovely tech conveyed.

As she packed up and went to call my doctor with the report, she handed me a little print out of the clearest image she had managed to get. That's when I finally gave in to my grief. They even asked if they could take me out the back for a cup of tea so I didn't have to wait in the main waiting room. Just so kind and considerate. They even did the scan free of charge which was completely unexpected.

I went straight to hubby's work and we looked at our little photo and cried together. I just wish he had been able to come, he's still pretty traumatised by how we were treated at the previous scan and I think it would have eased him a little.

Five pregnancies and five losses seems almost too much to bear. But we will. Somehow.

In need of a miracle

We're really in need of one of those miracles we hear so much about.

After being on bed rest of the week, and noticing that my spotting had stopped and my symptoms were 'developing' (read every growing boobs, gas production off the charts, etc) we arrived at yesterday's scan with just a little optimism.

We waited an hour before being brought in, not to the scanning room but to the fetal monitoring section. When they asked how far along I was and I replied 8 and a half weeks, the midwife scurried off, only to return and tell me to wait outside again for the specialist.

After another hour (and overhearing a conversation about why I was here and how they were supposed to prepare the room for us - and the midwife in charge having plainly no idea what they were talking about) the specialist whizzed past and told me to come in to the room with him. Unfortunately, there was already someone in the bed. Who he promptly moved out and got ready for my scan.

The abdominal scan wasn't very clear (having been holding for more than 3 hours at this stage!) and so he wanted to do another internal. Then he couldn't find the probe, or the cover, so after yelling at someone and telling us that 'everything has gone to pot' as the two head midwives were away, he just put a rubber glove over the probe and went from there. Then remembered to tell me to go and empty my bladder. It was absolutely surreal and I just felt like it must be a dream. I mean, we knew they were bad, but not this bad, surely?!

Unfortunately things just got worse. He had such a hard time finding baby, and then when he did, he couldn't get a good view. Then he told us that he couldn't find a fetal heartbeat. He asked for my wrist as he was seeing something, but thought it was just my heartbeat. He said the two pulses matched. He then measured and said baby was measuring exactly the same as last week and that the low fluid must have caused too much distress.

We were then told to change and think about our options in the waiting room, surrounded by heavily pregnant women. As soon as we had the chance to speak privately both hubby and I said we were convinced he'd made a mistake. Sure, we're probably in denial, but he's made this mistake before and everything was so rushed and poorly organised it just didn't seem real.

We were taken back in to speak with one of the consulting gynecologists who had been told we wanted a d&c. I told her we said no such thing and that we wanted to wait and see what happened. That I had already carried and lost my other babies and I didn't want this one to be any different. She then had to go and find out what the hospital procedure was for a 'natural' miscarriage!

After yet more waiting, we were told we could come back in a week and they would check on me, make sure I wasn't showing any signs of infection and they'd ask me again if I wanted medical intervention. If in the meantime I started bleeding through more than four pads in an hour, or was in severe pain, I should report to the ED, otherwise, see you next week.

It still seems so unreal. I have an appointment with my GP today and I am asking for another scan, somewhere else, just to confirm. Then we'll see what happens next.

Happy Easter little ones

This Easter has brought so many mixed emotions.

We should have been celebrating a first birthday. We should have been celebrating a first Easter with three of our angels. It was also our first Easter without my grandfather.

Yet I spent most of the day focused on protecting the life of the little one I am carrying now. Part of me feels terribly guilty, but I also know that really, this little one is the only one I can still do something for. So for the first time in my life, I didn't go to church on Good Friday. I didn't go the the dawn service on Easter Sunday and I didn't have Easter lunch with my family. Instead, I stayed home, mostly on the bed, and nurtured the life inside me the best I know how.

People keep assuming I must be bored, but I'm lucky I guess in that I can always find something to occupy myself. My mornings are reading, I'm reading the second book of the Outlander series (again!) before the series begins in two weeks and I check all the news on my phone or tablet. Then I have been catching up on movies in the afternoon that I'd rather not subject hubby to! I have a nap, hubby's home and then the night flies by.

In between there are countless trips to the kitchen to refill my bottle and the resulting trips to the toilet, along with an increased appetite (yay!) and the resulting nausea.

My nerves are building as tomorrow's appointment draws closer. I really don't know what to expect. My spotting has all but stopped, but I don't know if that is a good thing. I'm just hoping that baby has a little more room to move and that everything is still going along.

Only tomorrow will tell.

Gender Prediction

I have posted before about gender prediction. I haven't really thought about it much this time around, what they say about just wanting a healthy baby regardless of gender is especially true for us.

However, the last couple of days I have been having really vivid dreams. They have all been different, and some not too pleasant, but in each of them our baby is a boy. And sometimes joined by a twin sister. But there is always a boy.

So I pulled out the gender prediction chart and it says boy. A variety of other quizzes, predictors and old wives tales also seem to point to boy (it's a bit too early for some of them though!).

Only time will tell. We're still planning on having the harmony test done at 10 weeks, I already have the referral form from my doctor. Still, it's a little bit of fun to think about the 'What if?'

Honestly!

The story of this early pregnancy seems to be spotting. During the 6th week, it was once every two or three days. During the last week, it's been once every day. I've called the early pregnancy clinic and seen my doctor and they all say the same thing. It's so little, and so light, that there's nothing to worry about. I'm not having any cramping, there's no blood coming through, so just wait and see.

I thought last week was hard with no tests in between the scans. This week has been almost impossible! I've even been having 'ovulation' pains, right on cue for my next AF... even though I'm pregnant. This has got me wondering (worrying) that I'll have some real bleeding around the time AF would normally be due and just the thought of that gets my heart racing.

---

Due to the spotting, the anxiety, headaches and insomnia my doctor has recommended rest except when working (and only then because I am behind a desk this year, not in class) between now and the holidays. I had to explain this to my principal, at the same time as actually telling him I was pregnant. This was tricky, as he's not the most understanding of our situation. For example, when he asked how far along I was, he then said, 'Oh. Most people wouldn't even know they're pregnant yet.' Really? Honestly? Some people, maybe. But most? Not notice that their period was 3 weeks late? If you say so.

It's really discouraging. He's not the first person who has said this to me. What is the point. Are you trying to say I shouldn't worry about losing my baby because some other person wouldn't even know they were expecting?

I'm also getting a lot of, 'Don't worry. Be positive. It's all in the mind. Good vibes only.' I know it is important to be positive, just for my own sanity, but what good is telling me this when I am trying to explain to you the impact of my anxiety? It sounds to me like you are basically saying if anything goes wrong it'll be my fault for not being positive enough. Bollocks.

I'm really lucky to be surrounded by a few very special people who check in on me every now and then and ASK how I am doing, without telling me what to think or feel. This is the support I need and appreciate the most.

We've got ourselves a fighter!

To get the best and most wonderful news out of the way first, our little baby is growing perfectly and we saw its tiny heartbeat for the first time. So amazing. Such a miracle.

Now to how we got there...

For the third week in a row the clinic messed up our appointment. This time they actually had us booked in (makes a change) but had us booked for the normal antenatal clinic, not the specialist early pregnancy clinic.

This meant not only sitting in a room full of hugely pregnant bellies not even knowing if our babe was still there (and lots of tears on my part due to the extreme anxiety of it all) but it also meant waiting three HOURS for an appointment that we should have waited no more than 30 minutes for.

When we were finally called in, the specialist asked what I was there for. I know they have so many patients to see, but considering that our last appointment with him lead to the week from hell it was a little hard to hear. I explained. He asked me how the week had been and I told him I'd had a little spotting on a couple of days and he just nodded his head as if confirming his diagnosis. I was shaking like a leaf by this stage. He then suggested we head over for the scan to 'confirm things' and go from there.

In the end we had to wait another 30 minutes or so and then the lovely midwife who we had seen two weeks ago came to see how we were doing. She asked us to fill her in on all that had happened and was very understanding. Then the specialist flew in, poked around with the probe causing quite a lot of pain, looked at the monitor and said 'fetal heart.' He turned the screen around and there for the first time we saw our little baby and the oh so tiny flicker of it's rapidly beating heart. I must have let out a terrible sound, I know I was sobbing like mad, because the midwife came running back in, then looked at the screen and grabbed my knee and said something encouraging. I have no idea, all I remember was squeezing hubby's hand so tight, and seeing the enormous grin on his face, before turning back to the screen. I didn't take my eyes off it again until the scan was done.

Baby was measuring 6 weeks 3 days (according to the single measurement he did, still not convinced it was 100% accurate) which is about 2 or 3 days behind where I thought we were, SO much better than the two WEEKS behind we were told last week. The tiny little heart registered 123bmp.

Now we wait for next week. In the meantime, I have baby's first photo to stare at in amazement.

Something for the dads

One thing hubby comments on quite a lot is the way he gets ignored by doctors and nurses when we have our appointments.

Whether it's follow up testing after miscarriages, or an ultrasound to check on our baby, he's almost always overlooked and excluded from the conversation.

He asks me questions later about things he heard but didn't understand and I've encouraged him to ask questions if he has them, because he might think of something that I don't. But in general it's very true, one doctor doesn't even really acknowledge that he's even in the room.

I know every couple and situation is different, but in our experience, hubby is very involved in each pregnancy right from the beginning (this time it was even him asking me to POAS to check if I was pregnant!). How hard is it really to look at a man and ask, "Do you have any questions?"

It is important to me that hubby feels supported and as much a part of this pregnancy as I am. I don't know exactly how to do that, but I'm going to make a really conscious effort from now on. If the doctors won't ask him, I will, while we are still there.

He's also found that people are much less understanding of his feelings regarding our losses, and just expect him to 'get on with it.' Admittedly, he finds it easier to keep to his normal routine as it helps him to settle his mind, but that doesn't mean he isn't impacted. Even now, when people find out we have another baby on the way, the first questions he's asked are always about me.

When it comes to work, it's just the same. I have been told to take all the time I need for scans and appointments, and to let them know if I can't come in after a scan. Hubby on the other hand is being mucked around and made to feel like he is wasting people's time trying to find someone to cover for him so he can attend our scans. He didn't even dare try to come to the follow up GP appointment. He's asked to have regular cover, or to have his day off changed (with approval from his area manager) but his boss is trying to make him take sick leave - which he shouldn't have to when there are so many other choices!

I've bought him a special pregnancy book for dads, by dads, which I was going to give after the scan yesterday, but given how that went I think I'll hold off until the next one.

Fear, Anxiety and Pregnancy after Loss

After getting my latest blood work back on Thursday, I was ready to feel a little optimistic. Sure, the results weren't quite doubling in 48hrs (we were at about 60), but that's to be expected after a certain point.

Then I woke up Saturday morning.

I still can't put my finger on exactly what it was, but I just didn't feel right. I tried to go about my morning routine, but I was getting more and more anxious. I was shaking madly by the time hubby woke up, he looked at me and assumed the worst and I had to tell him through almost hysterical tears that I was fine but just didn't feel right.

I thought it was just anxiety over reaching the same milestone that saw me in hospital for a previous miscarriage and that getting on with our day as planned would distract me. It didn't work. I kept having the feeling I was bleeding and ran to every public toilet I could find. Then, in the middle of Harvey Norman, I lost it completely when I started cramping.

We went to the car and called the number given to us by the midwife at the Fetal Maternal Assessment Clinic at the hospital where I'm having my scans. Call any time you have a question or a worry, she said. She forgot to mention the part about being closed on weekends. (Why is it that people think emergencies don't happen on weekends?)

We were put through to maternity who said they wouldn't see me before 20 weeks so I should go to emergency and a doctor would see me there.

So we did. We waited 2 hrs for a blood test and then a further hour for the results. I was beside myself the entire time and I can't even find the words to properly explain how loving, kind and patient hubby was even as his anxiety was climbing due to my condition and being in a hospital in the first place.

The results came back at 2278. The nurse was reassuring that the numbers were still rising and that over a certain level they are expected to double more slowly, with 92 hours being the low average. We are at about 88hrs, so on the low side. She then mentioned that other causes for low rising hcg are ectopic pregnancy or blighted ovum. Basically there is nothing more I will know until our scan on Tuesday.

Hang on little one.

Fifth time's the charm?

Yes, after almost 10 months of failure and heartbreak, I am pregnant again! That's one of the reasons it's been a little quiet on the blog lately, the other is everything that goes with buying and moving in to a new house (more on that another time).

I probably should have seen this one coming, but I really didn't. Everything had been going so well, I was enjoying our new little village and walking down to the shops or post office each day, then suddenly, I had zero energy. Even the thought of walking 5 minutes made me feel tired! I just put it down to being run down as I also had a bit of a stuffy nose and a cold sore. Why did I not see this as a huge red flag?! The last time I had a cold sore I was pregnant!

A few days later, the three ladies from school who all had their babies at the end of last year came to visit. It was pretty hard, but I said my hellos and went back to my office for a bit of a cry. I was texting hubby about it and he asked, "Have you checked yourself?" I realised that I was a couple of days late, but just thought it was the metformin messing me around again.

I couldn't get his words out of my head and when I got home, I tested and was greeted with that lovely sight above, Pregant 1-2! I have to be completely honest and say that my first reaction was one of absolute terror. I find it so hard to imagine having a healthy pregnancy and knowing that there is really not all that much I can do about it. I was a nervous ball of energy for the next 30 minutes it took hubby to get home and share the news.

One of the possibilities my specialist wanted to rule out was low progesterone, so I went and had a hcg and serum progesterone test. Then I had to wait for the results. Every pain or pressure felt a thousand times worse and I was sure it was cramps on their way, but so far nothing. No cramping, no spotting, just incredibly sore breasts and nipples, nausea all day and very little appetite.

My progesterone was 55, which I have been told is really high (then I worry about if there is such a thing as too high?) and my hcg at 5w4d was 937. That is the highest number I have ever seen, even though I know it is not particularly high.

Today, at 5w6d my hcg is 1530. Not quite doubled in 48 hrs (tracking more like 60) but once numbers are over 1200 apparently between 72 and 96 hours is normal and as long as they are going up it's good.

We have our first scan next week, at 6w4d. I still break out in a cold sweat thinking of not hearing a heartbeat, etc but trying to be positive. I also guess we'll find out a due date and if my dates are a little out due to late ovulation and I'm not quite as far along as I think.

If I can make it to the scan, it'll be the longest any of my babies has stayed with me. That IS something to look forward to.

Pregnancy announcements (where's the nearest hole, so I may hide?)

I had a feeling my team leader was pregnant, something about the absences and the explanations she gave to others. And the little wink to me after she told someone she wasn't eating properly.

She confirmed this a couple of weeks later, saying she wanted to tell me in private before any announcement was made at work. She's been so good in that regard, and I thanked her. We had a hug, a cry, swapped early pregnancy stories and then that was it. I said I wouldn't ask her anything, but I was happy for her to talk with me if she needed to.

I also had a feeling the other teacher was pregnant. I can't say exactly why, although I did see a hushed conversation between the two of them which may have tipped me off. Turns out they are due 2 days apart.

There's also another teacher I feel sure is pregnant. She's eating differently, has been away a couple of days recently and, more to the point, has been avoiding me like the plague. Which is odd as she is my closest friend at work. So it's either that she doesn't want to tell me something she fears will upset me, or she's doing that thing of avoiding the lady who loses all her babies in case the bad luck rubs off on her. Either way, this one is probably the most hurtful. She didn't even come to ask me how I was feeling after the others announced their pregnancies at a school function and I was visibly upset  (which I hated, but I'm getting used to!) I think that is my biggest clue so far. We'll see.

The day they announced was horrendous. I knew it was coming as my team leader warned me. She said they'd try to do it at a break time so I could slip away for a moment. The whole teaching team would be at an off site professional learning activity, and I told her thank you for thinking of me. I just wanted people to focus on her news, not my reaction to it. In the end, the Principal made the announcement right at the beginning of the day. The Assistant Principal came to warn me, but had the nerve to say that I shouldn't be too upset as 'everyone knows you're trying'. Not everyone knows that we have been successful four times, I wanted to scream back at her, but just forced some kind of smile to my lips.

Only the office manager came right to me after the announcement was made, looking for a tissue. She kept an eye on me all day which was lovely. Support from an unexpected source, when as I said, my closest friend at school didn't even ask once if I was doing ok.

I cried on and off for the next half hour or so. I just wanted to be anywhere but there. I don't think it's jealousy as I am genuinely happy for these two beautiful ladies and their partners. I think it is anger for myself and for my babies that they were never acknowledged for celebrated in the same way. The only thing worse was lunch, where I had to hear all the questions about tests and scans and food aversions and so on. Again, it was lovely to hear about their experiences, but it was as though I was being deliberately excluded from a club I am very much a part of. Two things made it worse.

One was hearing that at least they were young and things should go well, and that they should be happy they weren't over 35. Unbelievable. Can you not see me sitting right here? Are you saying my losses are my own fault because I left it too late to try to start my family?

The second thing was hearing a mother of 3 saying that she got drunk and ate all sorts of food she 'shouldn't have' the week before her first was born as 'what could go wrong now?' Do you have no idea of the number of still births and babies who dies in the days after they are born? How can you be so blasé?

This past Tuesday was the worst of all. My team leader had been for her 12 week scan the week before and was getting all her results and had announced her pregnancy on Facebook the night before. She came in to work positively beaming and I was so happy for her. But when she started talking about how all her immunisations were up to date and her vitamin levels and so on, I had to go find some other work to do. I couldn't sit there and listen to it. She hadn't been for any preconception appointments, hadn't had any blood tests, just naively went in and everything was working out fine. Pretty sure this one was pure jealousy. I felt like a terrible person but I just couldn't help it. How is this right? How is it fair? What more do we have to do?

The worst thing is this. If finding out a colleague is pregnant can make me feel like this, what will happen when it's a member of my family?

Scared, and that's all there is to it

I have been meaning to post for the last week or so, but life gets in the way.

First, I was going to post about our experience at the early miscarriage clinic and what the specialist plans to do for us.

Then I was going to post about being the crazy TTC lady who finds herself squeezing her boobs to see if they are really sore or not as she the end of the TWW.

Now, instead, I am posting about our latest BFP. This one is so new that even hubby doesn't know, as he's due home from work within the hour. All I have done is stare at the test, cry, make a doctors appointment for Wednesday, and go back to staring and crying.

Anyone who has been following our story probably knows that the reason I am scared is due to the prospect of another miscarriage. Although the specialist told us exactly what their plan for us is if I was to fall pregnant again, I haven't done any of the tests he recommended (I am booked in for a 3D uterus ultrasound next week) and so I feel that whatever has caused the last losses is still there, therefore I will probably lose this pregnancy too.

I should be happy, and I envy every woman who has ever gazed at those two pink lines and felt nothing but joy. Instead, I am scared. I'm even dreading telling hubby because I don't want him to feel the way I am feeling now.

I have a day to wait before I can get in to see the doctor. I have a day of stressing and waiting for the cramps that signal the arrival of AF. After that, who knows what will happen?

Getting our priorities straight

AF has come and gone. Another month of has begun.

I'm starting to get really anxious about TTC - how long 'til we fall again, will everything be ok, what to do about work, is hubby in the right frame of mind, is this really best for our marriage... it just goes on.

Everything in our life says now is not the right time for a baby. We're both in a pretty bad way health and emotional wise, hubby's meds make him even less in the mood than before, work is getting too big for both of us, family issues, we're still trying to get the house sorted... but at the same time, there's ALWAYS going to be a reason not to get this going. I feel like the reason we are having these troubles is because we have waited too long. And not just because of my age.

And now, with Christmas coming, I'm feeling this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I'd thought I'd be 16 weeks pg by Christmas. I'd even started thinking about cute Christmas baby bump photos. I loved the idea of having that special time with family to look forward to next year being so much better for all of us than this one. Now I don't even want to put up my tree when the time comes because I won't be taking those photos and instead people will be awkwardly avoiding the subject of my miscarriage.

Work is a whole other issue. I'm off for the rest of the year on long service leave and really trying to get myself right after the miscarriage. I'd asked for, and honestly expected to be granted, a time reduction at work. But I was refused flat out. So now not only am I facing full time work at a job my doctor told me to quit, but also the thought that if we don't fall again, or if I do and I miscarry, that it'll be my fault for not cutting back like I was told. I'm also looking for another teaching position, but at this time of year it can be a bit tricky.

In the meantime, I just hide in my spare room, not thinking that it's supposed to be a nursery, and surround myself with a million craft projects to keep me occupied.

My next fertile window is less than 4 days away... I have NO idea what to do.