Friday, 7 November 2014

Getting our priorities straight

AF has come and gone. Another month of has begun.

I'm starting to get really anxious about TTC - how long 'til we fall again, will everything be ok, what to do about work, is hubby in the right frame of mind, is this really best for our marriage... it just goes on.

Everything in our life says now is not the right time for a baby. We're both in a pretty bad way health and emotional wise, hubby's meds make him even less in the mood than before, work is getting too big for both of us, family issues, we're still trying to get the house sorted... but at the same time, there's ALWAYS going to be a reason not to get this going. I feel like the reason we are having these troubles is because we have waited too long. And not just because of my age.

And now, with Christmas coming, I'm feeling this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I'd thought I'd be 16 weeks pg by Christmas. I'd even started thinking about cute Christmas baby bump photos. I loved the idea of having that special time with family to look forward to next year being so much better for all of us than this one. Now I don't even want to put up my tree when the time comes because I won't be taking those photos and instead people will be awkwardly avoiding the subject of my miscarriage.

Work is a whole other issue. I'm off for the rest of the year on long service leave and really trying to get myself right after the miscarriage. I'd asked for, and honestly expected to be granted, a time reduction at work. But I was refused flat out. So now not only am I facing full time work at a job my doctor told me to quit, but also the thought that if we don't fall again, or if I do and I miscarry, that it'll be my fault for not cutting back like I was told. I'm also looking for another teaching position, but at this time of year it can be a bit tricky.

In the meantime, I just hide in my spare room, not thinking that it's supposed to be a nursery, and surround myself with a million craft projects to keep me occupied.

My next fertile window is less than 4 days away... I have NO idea what to do.


  1. I feel like I could have written most our your post myself - anxious about ttc, anxious if we do get pregnant, still dealing with the mc and what could have been now. By xmas I would have been almost eight months pregnant and planning a baby shower for January :/ I know it's not healthy to think like that but what can you do! I've never been less enthused to try than I am this month which is stupid because only trying can lead to a pregnancy. Sorry to hear about your job, keep trying for a new one and if not then deal with that come February :) Don't stress about it not being the right time, if you do get pregnant it'd still be 9months till it affected money/etc.

    1. Thank you so much for your lovely supportive message, sorry that it's taken me so long to see it! This is the first time I have been back on the blog in a month - and nothing much has changed... Here's to another month!

      I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking about what could have been, or what should have been. It's only when it becomes all consuming that it's a problem, so as long as we keep things in perspective... easier said than done sometimes