Remember with me

This week has been rough and I am trying not to let it get me down. Trying, but not succeeding.

May 26th marked what could have been our little one's first birthday. All I wanted was for someone to remember with us. No one did. I felt bad enough that I actually had to remind hubby, but I have to do that even for my birthday. However, coming from a family that usually makes such a fuss over birthdays, all I wanted was for someone to remember.

Last year I put it all over social media, we even held a special sale during May and donated a percentage of the profits to Sands Victoria. The advertising said, "...in honour of our little one who was due May 26th."

This year, I didn't write anything. I knew that if I did, I would get one or two messages from people who's memories were suddenly jogged, but I didn't want that. I know that what I wanted wasn't logical, or rational, after all our little one means far more to us than to them, but still...

I didn't want a big song and dance, I didn't want a fuss. All I wanted was an acknowledgement that the day, and every day after, would be incomplete without that little life to celebrate.

I suppose it was just one more day in a long run. Bereaved Mother's day where only two people acknowledged me, Mother's Day where only one person did, my birthday where everyone wanted to know what a 'great' day I was having and then this. It's really feels like the monumental impact our losses have had on our life together mean nothing at all to the people who at one point meant everything to me.

I also don't know how to move forward, especially with some people in my immediate family. I know our loss and pain makes them uncomfortable, but if it was me I would know that my discomfort was so small compared to their pain of their loss. Instead, they avoid me, don't mention any of our babies, and get upset with me what I don't behave the way I am "supposed to."

I am at the point where I just don't want to deal with it any more. It is easier not to see them or talk to them than to cope with this. I know over time this will change, as it did immediately following our loss, but for now I think this is how it has to be.

Outlander - "Faith"

I haven't really written here before about the types of things I spend my time doing that aren't related to TTC or PAL. I guess all of that is so very personal and huge that everything else seems kind of petty and insignificant. This time, the two have overlapped.

For the longest time, I have loved the Outlander books (although when I picked up the first book in the series while I was at uni it was called "Cross Stitch" which I always thought was strange as that title has nothing to do with the book!). I have read all of them multiple times, except the 8th and most recent in the series which I have only read once.

The second book in the series if full of heartache and loss for Jamie and Claire (the main characters) and one part that always stood out to me was the description of the still birth of their first daughter, Faith, and the way in which the both individually grieve this loss. Claire had believed she was unable to have children and then her first pregnancy ended in such heartache.

The last few years, having experienced pregnancy loss myself, I was in equal parts anticipating and dreading this part in the stunning TV adaptation. In the lead up to Season 2 I remember saying to hubby that if they somehow cut this part out I would stop watching, even though I adore the series almost as much as the books. It just wouldn't feel right, and would further buy in to the taboo surrounding pregnancy and infant loss.

Last week's episode showed the lead up to their loss, Claire bleeding and then hemorrhaging before waking up and screaming "Where is my baby?" and even that had me in floods of tears and hubby comforting me saying how awful it all is and that it'll be hard on me to watch and maybe I should wait. He's not usually one for needless hugs but last week he just kept holding me and I was so grateful.

This week's episode is called "Faith" and I guess follows the loss of their daughter and everything that follows on from that (having read the book over and over I have a fair idea!) but I know it will still be hard. But I am also glad, because maybe it will do a little to help people who have never experienced this to understand a little of what impact such as loss can have.

At least, that was my hope, until reading on the official Facebook page this morning and looking at some of the comments. Most tragically, someone had written that they hoped this part would be written out of the series because it was hard to read so would be harder to watch. All I could think was, imagine how hard it is to live! Why should this type of pain and loss be edited out of life, out of books or TV because it is hard for people to witness? Isn't that what causes so much of the taboo around pregnancy and infant loss in the first place? Being scared of how others will react?

I will watch, I will cry and I will be happy that these writers had the courage to address such a heart wrenching but significant part of so many of our stories.

Mother's Day

To all the beautiful mamas facing another Mother's Day without the ones they love, I see you x

International Bereaved Mother's Day

I am still not sure how I feel about this day. I love that there is a day to acknowledge mothers who live without their children, but it also feel a little bit like by giving us a day of our own people are saying that we are not 'real' mothers and don't deserve to be celebrated on Mother's Day.

To those reading this blog who are grieving the loss of their children, know that I see you and celebrate you.

Bron x