Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, 2017

This day is so important to us, and to many bereaved parents. It is a day for honoring the memories of little ones lost, and for trying to break the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss.

I have posted many times in the past about this topic, and now, parenting after loss is bringing a whole new perspective to this date. I often look at our little one and think about the siblings she sill never meet. She could have had a big brother or sister two years older than her. How would they be together? Would they look alike? Would they play together or antagonise each other? How would our lives as parents be different with two instead of one? It's even possible, given the timing of our losses, that she could have two older siblings, what would THAT look like for us?

And then I get to thinking that if we hadn't lost those babies, maybe we would never have had her. Our little Squish might never have been born due to spacing gaps between siblings or a whole range of other issues that can come with bringing home a baby.

Parenting after loss can bring such guilt too. There have been so many times when we have been struggling with sickness, sleep deprivation or simply not knowing how to ease our little one or what she needs, that we have been cross with her or with each other. And then to feel such guilt for not always being 'happy' with our little miracle. We love her more than anything, but she's still a baby! And babies can be a challenge!

If you are grieving the loss of a little one, our thoughts are with you. Especially to those who suffer in silence and have not told their friends or family about their loss. love and hugs to you x

Picture from Luminous Light Studio

When It Hurts

Just as pregnancy loss is an isolating experience, I am coming to find that pregnancy after loss can carry much of the same silence and awkwardness.

When I first started telling people about this little one, responses ranged from "How far along are you this time?" to "This time will be different." I also received many subdued "Congratulations" that almost seemed to have an undertone of doubt or even disbelief. I also had a couple of "Again?!" I'm not sure if this was due to the number of previous losses (people were quick to suggest we look at adoption after our last loss), or the short time between our last loss and this baby. I would have liked just one positive "Congratulations!" I knew that people would ask how far, that's one of the reasons we waited till we passed the 8 week point of our last loss before telling even family.

I have also found it hard to talk about my own feelings about this pregnancy. I'm constantly being told off for saying "if" but it is just not possible for me to say '"when" yet. I try to explain that it is not negativity, or even worry and anxiety - it is realism. I have been on the wrong side of the odds too many times to take anything for granted. I also can't talk about the fact that I am still mourning all our lost babies, but also still processing our loss from April and trying to get my head around the fact that if that baby had lived then we wouldn't have our little girl. I just get uncomprehending stares in return. I have people ask me why I am feeling sad, down or withdrawn, after all, I should be happy to be pregnant.

The thing I am finding most difficult at the moment is the feeling that I should be having a happy and painless pregnancy because I am lucky enough to actually be pregnant again. I guess this came to a head after reading a fellow loss mum's comment on an infertility group I was part of. It was basically along the lines of "I wouldn't complain about anything if I was pregnant, don't these women know how lucky they are? I can't stand hearing it!"

I found this really confronting, as while I am thankful beyond belief to be carrying this little one, the pregnancy itself is difficult for me. I truly believe I will do whatever it takes to get her here safely, but should I just have to grin and bear the pain? On top of the daily progesterone and the fatigue this causes (which is nothing more than an inconvenience), and the gestational diabetes, my back injury is starting to play up and the nerve pain in my leg is almost excruciating. At the moment, I can barely walk for 5 minutes before it becomes too much. I am also having troubles with round ligament pain and SPD.

Yes I am getting a support band, yes I have seen the physio, yes I am starting up hydro therapy again this week... but just because I am blessed to be pregnant again does that mean I can't say the words, "My leg is really hurting today."

I never expect everyone to understand what this experience feels like, and I know there are many women who would give anything to fall pregnant, but just as we don't expect them to suffer their losses in silence, why should the experience of pregnancy after loss be somehow immune from this kind of freedom and support?

Pregnancy is tough. Pregnancy after loss is tough.

Outlander - "Faith"

I haven't really written here before about the types of things I spend my time doing that aren't related to TTC or PAL. I guess all of that is so very personal and huge that everything else seems kind of petty and insignificant. This time, the two have overlapped.

For the longest time, I have loved the Outlander books (although when I picked up the first book in the series while I was at uni it was called "Cross Stitch" which I always thought was strange as that title has nothing to do with the book!). I have read all of them multiple times, except the 8th and most recent in the series which I have only read once.

The second book in the series if full of heartache and loss for Jamie and Claire (the main characters) and one part that always stood out to me was the description of the still birth of their first daughter, Faith, and the way in which the both individually grieve this loss. Claire had believed she was unable to have children and then her first pregnancy ended in such heartache.

The last few years, having experienced pregnancy loss myself, I was in equal parts anticipating and dreading this part in the stunning TV adaptation. In the lead up to Season 2 I remember saying to hubby that if they somehow cut this part out I would stop watching, even though I adore the series almost as much as the books. It just wouldn't feel right, and would further buy in to the taboo surrounding pregnancy and infant loss.

Last week's episode showed the lead up to their loss, Claire bleeding and then hemorrhaging before waking up and screaming "Where is my baby?" and even that had me in floods of tears and hubby comforting me saying how awful it all is and that it'll be hard on me to watch and maybe I should wait. He's not usually one for needless hugs but last week he just kept holding me and I was so grateful.

This week's episode is called "Faith" and I guess follows the loss of their daughter and everything that follows on from that (having read the book over and over I have a fair idea!) but I know it will still be hard. But I am also glad, because maybe it will do a little to help people who have never experienced this to understand a little of what impact such as loss can have.

At least, that was my hope, until reading on the official Facebook page this morning and looking at some of the comments. Most tragically, someone had written that they hoped this part would be written out of the series because it was hard to read so would be harder to watch. All I could think was, imagine how hard it is to live! Why should this type of pain and loss be edited out of life, out of books or TV because it is hard for people to witness? Isn't that what causes so much of the taboo around pregnancy and infant loss in the first place? Being scared of how others will react?

I will watch, I will cry and I will be happy that these writers had the courage to address such a heart wrenching but significant part of so many of our stories.

International Bereaved Mother's Day

I am still not sure how I feel about this day. I love that there is a day to acknowledge mothers who live without their children, but it also feel a little bit like by giving us a day of our own people are saying that we are not 'real' mothers and don't deserve to be celebrated on Mother's Day.

To those reading this blog who are grieving the loss of their children, know that I see you and celebrate you.

Bron x

Don't even think about it

 

That's how I feel about this time every month.

I think, “I might be pregnant” and then a series of completely irrational thoughts take over. I'm sharing a few of them now in the hope that is anyone else is experiencing thoughts like this they wont feel so alone, or fearful of being called (or feeling) crazy.

First I think, don't get your hopes up. Every time you look forward to something it goes wrong.

Then I think, you're probably not pregnant anyway. After all this time, what are the chances?

Then, even if I am pregnant it doesn't mean anything. The chances of another miscarriage are unbelievably high.

Then, that's probably why you're not pregnant, so negative. Show some faith.

Then, that's probably really why you're not pregnant, God wont bless you with a miracle that you doubt.

Then, what's that got to do with anything? We had sex during my fertile window, we have as much chance as anyone else.

Then, I might be pregnant.

And so it goes.

Christmas past

Once again, on this Christmas Day just passed, I was reminded of those people who truly empathise and try to understand what my husband and I are going through, and those who just carry on oblivious to the reality of our world.

I received beautiful cards, messages and meaningful gifts in our babies' honour from four people (and one lovely soul here on my blog). Memorial charms, gorgeous symbolic earrings, heartfelt words in a card, a donation to SANDS in their honour... to know that these few people understood that Christmas would be a tough day for us made it a little easier to bear.

On the other had I had people asking why we weren't attending family Christmas, choosing instead to spend the day on our own. People asking if we had "a great Christmas" or if we had "enjoyed" our day. Depending who these inquiries came from I was able either to give a short, sweet answer... or just stare in disbelief that they had asked such a thing.

I know there are many others out there who struggle with the loss of a loved one at this time of year, no matter the age they were. For us, it was also the first Christmas without my grandfather who was very much the centre of events at family gatherings, taking the role of Santa to hand out the gifts.

Maybe next year, instead of asking people to remember my babies with me (and being disappointed when they don't) I'll try to ask for people to be gentle with the hearts of all those they know who are missing someone special at Christmas.

Why don't you say what you really mean?

This isn't going to be one of those happy, uplifting or inspirational posts you read about those who have suffered miscarriage. It's about the judgmental, heartbreaking and guilt laden conversations that surround this subject.

I've been told not to take the careless things that people say when I tell them about our miscarriages to heart. After all, I have been told, they're just trying to make the best of an awkward situation, no one really knows what to say. Basically, I have been told more than once, I shouldn't make them feel bad, because at least they are trying.

How about you just think before you speak?

People who suffer miscarriage need love and support, not meaningless platitudes meant to make you feel better because you have to break the awkwardness by saying SOMETHING or in the worst case, saying nothing. After living this awful reality for the past 12 months, here's some things I would like to never hear again.

At least you get to keep trying!

There is nothing fun, romantic or even remotely sexy about having intercourse precisely timed to coincide with fertile windows and ovulation predictor kits. And when you have been trying for months, if not years, on end, it can be hard to remember that there are reasons for sex besides conception. Sure we make a little whoopie outside that ever looming fertile window, but there is no escaping the fact that when the time comes around you really do know that you are 'trying' and it's nothing to look forward to. After all, all that 'trying' has currently only led to failure or to heart ache.

At least you (can) have more kids

There is no way any child we may be blessed enough to welcome in to this world will ever be a replacement for those we have lost. For those who suffer miscarriage and have older living children, it's equally wrong to tell them that they should be satisfied with their living children, “At least you have the older one.”

They're in a better place now

You can't tell me that there is a better place for a child to be than in their mother and father's loving arms. Which leads me to my next point...

Everything happens for a reason/is part of God's plan

You might truly believe this. The person you are saying it to might even believe it. But right at this point, at this time, this is not helpful or healing. It's the equivalent of saying that God wants them to suffer. After all, they are suffering incredible heartache and you are telling them it's God's plan

God never gives us more than we can bear

So the pay off to being a relatively independent, strong willed woman is that I have to suffer miscarriages because I can bear the pain and heart ache? Or are you saying something worse, that I couldn't handle being a mother so God has put a stop to it?

Maybe God is trying to teach you something

I've heard this a lot. Maybe God is trying to teach me patience. Maybe God is trying to teach me resilience. Maybe God is trying to teach me a whole myriad of things. Even if this is true, how does telling me this help? Does it make our loss less painful? Does it bring our baby back?

There must have been something wrong with the baby

Logically, we know this is true. We even heard it from the doctors. We know (now) the statistics about miscarriage. But this doesn't help. Once you find out that you are pregnant, your whole world changes. You begin to imagine a life full of possibilities for this child and what this will mean for you and your family. I have though about holding my babies in my arms for so long, don't make me think of them in pain or suffering. Please.

At least it was early

In a place where a woman has the right to an abortion until 24 weeks gestation, there are many people who think that a pregnancy lost in the first trimester 'isn't really a baby' or that there is no way anyone could have formed an attachment to an unborn child. Wrong on both counts.

You wouldn't have even known you were pregnant years ago

I probably would have, you know. Just because, as you put it, tests these days are so sensitive, doesn't mean that I wouldn't have noticed my usual 31 clockwork cycle was out by a few weeks. Doesn't mean that I wouldn't have noticed any of the other physical symptoms that go along with early pregnancy. What are you really trying to say, that even if I was pregnant, it would be better if I hadn't known about it?

It's not your fault

Again, I know this is true, but that still doesn't change the feelings of guilt or failure that I might feel knowing that my body couldn't do the thing that so many women seem to be able to manage without trying. By telling me not to feel guilty, that it isn't my fault, you shut down the conversation and take away my chance to talk about these feelings.

Lots of people have miscarriages

Yeah they do. Lots of people lose their parents and their children to, but I have yet to hear anyone tell a grieving relative at the graveside that a lot of people die. So why try to minimise or explain away the loss of an unborn child?

The risk goes up as you get older

Thanks for that. I didn't know. I mean, in all the 18 months of trying to start a family, all the medical tests, not one doctor had ever mentioned that age was a factor. So thank you for adding yet another layer to the guilt that I feel.

You just have to relax/don't stress

Sure. I'll just flip that “Stress Switch”to the off position, shall I? I do as much as I can to make sure we have a happy, healthy and relatively stress free home life, but if you are telling me that stress is causing my miscarriages, or is the reason it's taking longer to conceive between each one, then thank you for that extra layer of guilt you have just added.

You'll have kids one day

You mean I will have kids here with me on earth. After all, I have children, my angle babies. But you're talking about 'take home babies'. Maybe. You don't know that. I don't know that. In fact, after multiple miscarriages, the odds are quickly going down. Add to that my increasing age and even daring to hope to have a precious child in my arms seems too optimistic.

It'll be your turn next

I have heard this. And in that time, five others close to me have fallen pregnant. You have no way of knowing who will be 'next' and that kind of false optimism, wishful thinking, doesn't change the fact that it should have been my turn now.

You could always adopt

Why didn't you adopt? Because you want to create new life with your partner? Because you want to experience pregnancy for yourself? Why should I be denied that experience? Yes, the consequences are tough, but there is a reward at the end that we are not willing to give up on yet. The road to adoption isn't so easy either.

You can have mine!

Right up there with hearing people complain about how terrible their children or their spouses are. You are so blessed. Sure, people should be allowed to vent, but just think before you open your mouth. This is right up there with telling me that at least I am an Aunty, or that I can babysit their kid any time. As if that is ever going to be a substitute for the children we have lost.

Make the most of it, sleep in, go out, etc

You can reel off a list longer than your arm of all the things that are so great about being child-free, but the fact is, I am 37. We have been married for 6 years. We have done all these things, and intend to keep doing them in the meantime, but would you seriously trade in your own child for a few hours sleep? Why should we have to settle for dinner in a fancy restaurant rather than dinner in a home filled with the noise, laughter and love of a growing family?

How are you feeling?

This question, and it's horrible twin, “Are you feeling better yet?” are asked a multitude of times, and some people are able to accept my honest answer. At the same time, it does get tiresome to be constantly telling people that you're having a rough day, that you haven’t got dressed today or out of bed, and to know that they are thinking how much time has passed and that you really should snap out of it. And in a way, it feels like betrayal, to say I feel ok feels like saying I am ok with the fact that my babies have died. And I'm really not.

Don't think that talking to someone about their miscarriages is going to upset them. Sure, they might get upset, but they think about their babies all the time, whether you talk about them or not. Only two people have ever asked me if we gave our babies names. Did I cry? Yes. Did it lead to a wonderful conversation about choosing names? Sure did. And if you don't know what to say, and you have to fill that silence so that YOU feel better, try this...

"I can't even imagine how hard this must be. I am here if you ever need to talk. "

What not to say to someone struggling with infertility

I have written a bit about this in the past, especially the niceties offered after our miscarriage (the one that people know about) but saw this link posted on the Essential Baby TTC#1 thread and thought it worth sharing.

http://offbeatfamilies.com/2012/04/talking-about-infertility

That's all. I know many of the people reading this blog already know all these things, but it might be something you need to share with others. Pass it on.