Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, 2017

This day is so important to us, and to many bereaved parents. It is a day for honoring the memories of little ones lost, and for trying to break the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss.

I have posted many times in the past about this topic, and now, parenting after loss is bringing a whole new perspective to this date. I often look at our little one and think about the siblings she sill never meet. She could have had a big brother or sister two years older than her. How would they be together? Would they look alike? Would they play together or antagonise each other? How would our lives as parents be different with two instead of one? It's even possible, given the timing of our losses, that she could have two older siblings, what would THAT look like for us?

And then I get to thinking that if we hadn't lost those babies, maybe we would never have had her. Our little Squish might never have been born due to spacing gaps between siblings or a whole range of other issues that can come with bringing home a baby.

Parenting after loss can bring such guilt too. There have been so many times when we have been struggling with sickness, sleep deprivation or simply not knowing how to ease our little one or what she needs, that we have been cross with her or with each other. And then to feel such guilt for not always being 'happy' with our little miracle. We love her more than anything, but she's still a baby! And babies can be a challenge!

If you are grieving the loss of a little one, our thoughts are with you. Especially to those who suffer in silence and have not told their friends or family about their loss. love and hugs to you x

Picture from Luminous Light Studio

A small sleep deprived update...

She's here!

We have had our share of troubles in the last 10 days, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is the most perfect thing I have ever seen and we are enjoying every minute getting to know her xx

38 weeks

So the tracker I have been using for this blog conveniently stops at 37 weeks - thankfully the amazing babysizer.com was there to help me out! I wish I had known about this site earlier, a lovely mix of the factual and the slightly odd :)

The day I thought would never come has arrived. In the next 24 hours our little girl will be in my arms - unbelievable. I've been completely overwhelmed and it is no exaggeration to say that my anxiety has been worse in the last two weeks than at almost any point in the pregnancy.

Christmas Eve saw us watching the carols and baby was wiggling around like crazy. I suddenly had a complete meltdown, imagining this was the last time I felt her move, and I could see the entire thing playing out in my head from the ambulance to the heart-rending wailing... it was just so vivid. It took me a while to calm down and hubby was amazingly supportive. Part of what upset me so much in the end was that I could imagine losing our little one so easily, and so vividly, but I can't keep a clear picture in my mind of her being here with us.  He then decided that maybe there were too many babies on the carols and a dose of Die Hard was what we needed to get through Christmas Eve.

We ended up awake well into Christmas Day and hubby took some lovely pictures of me and the bump in front of the tree, her first Christmas as he said and he wanted to have photos to remember it.

A few more appointments helped the time pass and hearing her tiny heart pounding away during the CTG was enough to keep me going.

Then New Year's Eve. In talking about this last night I'm not surprised that the two big dates set me off. After all, we are missing our babies that could have been with us, and trying to focus on the one who IS with us - it's all a bit overwhelming really. Hubby said some lovely things about having our little girl with us to celebrate the New Year and gave both of us a kiss which set of tears of a completely different kind.

The bags are packed, the house is ready and now we wait. We have a quiet night planned tonight, before our world completely changes tomorrow.  Thank you to everyone who has followed and supported me on this journey through this blog, it has meant a lot to me.

I'll be back soon to post about the next chapter in our journey xx

35 weeks

It's still so hard to believe that we only have at most three weeks to go until we meet our little girl. I can so clearly remember a time when I didn't even think we would make it to 8 weeks let alone 38.

I had a vivid reminder of that sheer panic earlier in the week. I wrote previously about how my cousin's announcement that she was expecting her first had sent me into a spiral and that I was sure this meant she would get to keep her baby and we would not. Finding out that her little one arrived this past week brought all those feelings back. I just couldn't shake the feeling that this was it, her baby was here and those wiggles and pokes I was feeling as I read the news would be the last. Hubby said all the right things (he's getting very good at this!) but I still didn't manage to shake the feeling for a couple of days. It still pops up every now and then, but it's not even been a week since I found out, so I guess that's to be expected. We had actually talked about asking not to be notified, but I just never got around to mentioning it to anyone.

Things are going well for us. I stopped progesterone completely last week and I stop aspirin this week. GD seems well under control, I've only had one high in the last week when I had lunch out and even the wholegrain bread was obviously enough to send me over. Our 36 week growth scan was good and I'll take the report to the hospital tomorrow for my group of appointments. I see the psychologist, the midwife, the OB and have CTG for baby. Last time I was there for almost 6 hours.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a little smoother as I have to go back the next day for an endocrinologist appointment.

Bags are packed, car seat is installed, nursery is complete... now we just need our baby to come home with us.

Baby Shower

My mum and my sister hosted a lovely baby shower for me at 31 weeks. I'd mentioned to my sister that I'd started working on a Pinterest board for a Totoro themed baby shower for our very first baby that I never got to hold and it went from there. It was held in their hometown where most of our relatives live, however by the time mum and finished inviting everyone the list was HUGE. Lucky it was girls only or I would have had to seriously reconsider and have a teeny tiny gathering in my own home!

It was strange and awkward seeing some of mum's friends who I hadn't seen for more than 20 years. There were even people there who didn't know hubby's name and we've been together more than 8 years.

But mostly it was wonderful. Some of the people who mean the most to me in the entire world were there and the day wouldn't have been the same without them. I was very nervous about traveling and it caused a lot of anxiety in the lead up - I probably wouldn't have gone ahead with it if it was just for me, but I totally believe our little girl deserves to be celebrated and I'm glad that in the end I was brave enough to go ahead with it.

The fabulous cake came from Rhianna's Cakes by Design

33 weeks!

Our sweet little pineapple :)

These days are just getting away from me so quickly! With at least three appointments a week (sometimes just three in one day) I find it hard to do more than one 'big' thing in a day. Basically anything that I have to drive to, walk to or think too much about. Terrible I know, but that's the way it seems to be.

I've also been incredibly lucky to have hubby off work for a couple of weeks and as well as painting the entire house, we spent a lot of time bonding with baby and each other - so no electronic distractions. It was lovely and extra special as it was the first time off he's had on nearly two years.

Baby is doing very well and I have dropped my progesterone to only 400mg each night. It's still being monitored every two weeks, but I hope, after yesterday's test to be able to stop altogether. My blood pressure is low, m,y GD is under control and baby is doing fine. At the moment there's not much more I can ask.

I am still having terrible anxiety attacks, but they're becoming more spaced apart. The only problem is that when they do happen, they seem to be much bigger, rather than lots of little fleeting ones, some last for a very long time.

One night during his break, hubby and I were sitting watching something terrible on netflix, and old favourite he hadn't seen for years> It was lovely, relaxing and he was snuggled up close playing with baby, pressing back where she moved and whispering to her. Completely out of the blue I had a totally overwhelming feeling that this would be the last time we ever felt her move. There was no reason to think that way, but I was absolutely convinced that it was the truth. Cue a major panic attack that not only completely ruined what was a lovely family moment, but also sent hubby into a panic as he thought something was wrong and I wasn't telling him. 

We eventually settled back down, but I really didn't completely shake the feeling until I woke during the night for one of my many toilet stops and felt her move again.

I also really struggle with wanting her out right now. I know she is fine in there, especially when I'm feeling her moving so actively and it scares me that anything could happen between now and when she's born. I feel like if she was out now, although she would need special care, at least we would be able to see what was going on and do something to help her. As it is, anything can happen and we'd have no idea until it was too late.

Keep wiggling, baby girl. Not long to go now!

Nursery - Part Two

Still in the process of moving things about, with a lovely new chair to be delivered soon. I only wish we had done something about the floors earlier, but now it'll probably be next year before we get to that.

I made all her artwork myself, including the large frame which I have blocked out as it shows her name ;)

I still find this incredibly difficult. I had a complete meltdown on Monday when I did her first washing. Surrounded by all these things and no way of knowing if she'll ever get to use them. I had to walk out and close the door. But thankfully, on days like today, I just want to sit in there and talk to my little bump :)

29 weeks

Our little pumpkin is wriggling away as I write. She moves almost constantly now, with little rest breaks throughout the day. I love every moment of it.

I have had a few moments of panic when my schedule has changed (getting up earlier for appointments) and so I haven't felt her move at the same times. I have used the doppler a couple of times, mostly because I know it gets her moving! If I was to hear her heartbeat but still no movement I'd be calling the hospital immediately.

My 28 week appointment was a total disaster. I know I have mentioned before how much I hate this hospital and my desire not to have to go there every again... just when I think it'll be ok I have another terrible appointment.

I managed not to cry until I got to the hospital, usually the anxiety of going there was me in a wreck before I even get in the car to drive there. I had the antiD injection, routine enough, then waited to see the doctor. Not a long wait which was nice, but then I got a lecture about not having my scans at the hospital as he couldn't find the results. I told him that at the last appointment the doctor had rung the clinic who had faxed the results immediately. He told me rather than that I should just come back in two weeks. He then took my blood pressure, measured the size of my bump with his hands and that was it. I asked him if he wanted to test my sample, he took it but didn't test it. I asked him if he wanted to look at my xrays to talk about my back injury and delivery options, he said no and that was it. I was a bit upset and shocked by how quick and abrupt the appointment was, and when I got to the desk to book the follow up and was told they couldn't fit me in, I broke down.

I understand it is not the receptionists fault, and I made sure to tell her that, it was just that I'd been told if the scans showed anything I would be sent for two weekly checks, and now here I was coming back in two weeks without the last scan being checked and something could have been picked up that would be too late by then... I couldn't get my head around it. Then to be told that I would just have to wait and see if there was a cancellation, was just too much.

I came home and hubby was angry to see how upset I was. He looked in my notes and saw that besides the antiD, nothing had been done or discussed that was set for the 28 week appointment. He rang the hospital to complain and was put through to their customer experience department who were at lunch. He then rang the clinic where we had our scans to see if they could email them to us, which they were more than happy to do... but their computers were down. So he then rand to ask to speak to my GP. We knew that she wouldn't be able to discuss the scan fully over the phone, all we wanted to know was if anything had come up that needed to be followed up sooner rather than later. Thankfully, she told us that everything in the conclusions report was 'normal' which was wonderful to hear.

I have since been to the maternal psychologist and before I left, she made a point to tell me that she thinks all our experiences at the hospital should be reported and we should make an official complaint. It was nice to know that I wasn't overreacting!

I've had a terrible head cold which has had my blood glucose numbers all over the place and my diabetes educator has increased my insulin accordingly. She felt that even if the high numbers were just due to illness, the demand for insulin on my body was only going to get higher and that I had done well to be on such a low dose for such a long time.

I have a follow up progesterone test on Monday to see what impact dropping my 400mg midday dosage has had - that'll be the next thing to keep me awake at night. Before gearing up for another hospital appointment on Friday!

27 Weeks

Some of these vegetable sizes really don't mean anything to me! I know how big a cauliflower is, I also know that my baby is bigger than that!

I hadn't realised that a month had passed since my last post. It has been a tricky month. Four weeks between scans, and I made it to the end without too much panic. We have also gone through a few painful anniversaries and the observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and the Wave of Light. All of these events have brought their own painful memories and reminders that there aren't really a lot of people standing with us in our loss.

Well, perhaps that isn't fair. I know everyone has such busy lives and troubles and concerns of their own. I know that I also haven't been the most supportive friend in the last couple of years as I have struggled just to hold myself together, much less be a support to anyone else.  And I haven't directly reached out for help so I suppose I can't expect too much. At the same time, on October 15th, my feed was flooded with images of people lighting candles in honour of their nieces, nephews, grandchildren and children of their friends. I received one message of a lighted candle and it honestly almost made me feel worse, as though the person was ashamed to post it publicly. Probably the ramblings of a grieving yet hormonal pregnant woman!

We are also coming up to the due date of the little one we lost at the beginning of the year. In truth, knowing we were looking at a 38 week arrival at the latest, we would already have that little bundle in our arms. Still can't get my head around the fact that if that baby had survived I wouldn't be carrying the little girl I am so in love with now. I just avoid thinking about it too much, because I don't think it is something that will ever make sense.

Our little girl is doing wonderfully. We had our 28 week scan yesterday and everything was perfect. She's measuring long, but not too big at the moment, which is a blessing considering my gestational diabetes. We even saw her perfect little face on a brief 3D scan, and she gave us a little smile. She's super active and feeling all those little kicks and rolls is such a wondrous feeling.

I am also doing better than I was a few weeks ago. Not working is doing wonders for my back and nerve pain in my leg, as is twice weekly hydrotherapy. Baby seems to love the sensation of being in the pool, she's been extra active the last few visits. I'm also finally able to drop my midday progesterone dose (yay!) as my last reading was over 100, which everyone was thrilled with. Will monitor again in two weeks and go from there.

Hospital follow up to the scan is on Friday, they've asked me to bring in all my scans from my back to make a firm decision about delivery, so I should have a better idea of what to expect by then.

Thanks to those who checked in on me between posts, it is really lovely to know there are people looking our for out little girl x

23 Weeks

Our little mango is the size of a Barbie doll this week according to Ovia. This got me thinking about all of those issues to do with raising girls, gender stereotypes, body image and so on.

More than anything though, this week has seen a huge spike in my anxiety levels. It started with a dream last week that I delivered our girl at 23 weeks, so I guess I have that in the back of my mind. Her movements have also changed this week, which I know is normal at this early stage. She's still kicking just as much, but her quiet times have changed from morning to mid afternoon. I have probably used the doppler more this week than in the last 2 or 3 weeks combined.

I think the main reason though, and this only came out last night while I was talking to hubby about all of this, is that we are so close to the magical 24 week 'viability' goal. I know there is no guarantee after that, but it makes me feel a little better to know that at least they would try to keep her alive. But for these next few days, she's just agonizingly short of that cut off.

I am still not convinced that she's going to be staying with us. It is really hard to plan for a future with her here. I was looking for a photo on my computer the other day when I noticed that none of the videos from our 20 week scan were showing up. Knowing I had deleted them from the USB prior to the last scan, I went into a total meltdown. I was convinced that these few precious videos and photos are the only evidence we will have that our baby girl ever existed and to think that they were gone was too much. Thankfully, it was my fuzzy brain causing the error, not the computer and the files were still there. Still, it shook me how strong those feelings of loss were.

Even as I am in the process of clearing out my office to convert to a nursery, I am still looking at is as decluttering, rather than preparing baby's room. Hubby has convinced me to take the leap and buy a bassinet this week as the one we like is on sale. The only way I am going to manage that is if I buy online, there is no way I can go into a baby store just yet, let alone on my own.

Everything else seems to be going well. My progesterone is still rising, my blood glucose levels are under control and my blood pressure is stable. Here's to making it to 24 weeks!

21 and 22 weeks

Things seem to be speeding up around here! I feel like I am back to appointments almost every other day and while it is so very good to know that everything is progressing well, it is so exhausting.

After my scan last week I had a bit of a break, although also had to go in to school to finalize things. I know there are a few people wondering why I am off so early, but the face that I feel so much more relaxed now is just amazing. And it has made SUCH an improvement to the pain in my leg! 

This week I saw the endochrinologist for a follow up on my GD and they have stopped my metformin. It was a bit of a struggle the first morning, wondering if it was going to hurt baby but she gave me a little kick which I took as a sign of reassurance. They said they needed to do this now as there is some evidence that it can cross the placenta and after 28 weeks this could cause problems for baby. I just have to keep a close eye on my blood glucose as the metformin was also acting to reduce this.

Everything else there is going ok. I am getting better at judging what and when to eat, although I have had a few nights where I just HAD to eat something late, especially when we stay up late to watch the football - it's hard to make it to 2am without something to sustain me!! It does make my morning numbers a bit higher, but still within range so I am not too worried yet.

I then had my hospital appointment which, all things considered, was the best one yet. I still had to wait for ages, but once I was in the doctor was lovely. She had a student who struggled with everything, couldn't take my blood pressure, couldn't measure baby, poked me WAY to hard when feeling for baby and then couldn't find baby's heartbeat with the doppler. I could feel her wiggling, so I knew she was ok, and I even told the student where I usually found the heartbeat at home. No luck!

The doctor found an ancient ultrasound machine, just to locate baby's heart (and bonus I got to see her wiggle again although the image was terrible!) as the machine was too old to even have sound. They still couldn't get the heartbeat, so I just asked if I could have a try - got it immediately and a nice little 152 popped up on the monitor. That's my girl :)

I was given pathology slips for rhesus anitbodies (I'll have an anti-D at 28 weeks all being well) and iron levels. I asked about Vitamin D and was told that they are no longer allowed to request this unless there is proven low Vitamin D (I wonder how they would know this without testing?). I showed her my previous result and she added it to the request right away! 

I also have slips for ultrasounds every 2 weeks, 26, 28 and 30 weeks for now. They said they'll keep on eye on baby and take things week by week. I then asked about delivery and this doctor was sure that my back would be no hurdle to 'natural' birth, even when I told her that when it goes off I can be bedridden for weeks, not ideal with new baby. So she's asked me to bring my xray and scans next time for review.

In the meantime, I have also found out that, given the overall picture, they feel it's best for me to stay at this hospital and not transfer. I guess I understand, I certainly wasn't as upset about it as I thought I might be. Talking about my experiences there the last pregnancy she felt I was showing signs of PTSD which I had thought about but not really acted on. She's referred me to a psych service within the maternity ward. 

Next week is already filling up with physio and follow up scan for baby to hopefully measure those tricky bits of her heart she wouldn't let us see last time. As well as my usual weekly progesterone level blood test. 

Now to tackle the house...

20 weeks!

We were so excited to finally get to see our baby girl again on Monday at 20w5d. Four weeks has been the longest time between scans but thankfully our doppler and her tiny kicks have been enough to assure us that she is doing ok.

I was doing really well with anxiety until we actually got in the car to drive to the scan. After all, I told hubby, this is often when couples find out that there is something developmentally wrong with their baby. Her heart and her brain were my two biggest worries, we already knew she had the right number of arms and legs!

We were lucky enough to go right in and I knew it would be a long scan right away as our little miss was wriggling like a mad thing. While this was a thrill for us to see, it made it super hard to get any measurements of the important parts. Between prodding with the ultrasound and having me change positions, then going out for a walk and 90 minutes later we had confirmation of everything except one measurement for her heart. The good news is, that means another scan in two weeks.

The only down side is this will be the first scan I have had this pregnancy that I have to go on my own. I know it's not logical, but I am terrified that this will mean something is wrong and I'll be on my own to try and cope with it. Trying not to think about it too much at this point, still two weeks away!

Hubby is still frustrated that he can't feel her moving yet, my placenta is making sure of that. There is such a narrow area of  'opportunity' but I have felt her much more strongly over the last couple of days, so I am hoping it isn't too much longer.

He's also started talking about preparing for her arrival. He told me that once we make it to 28 weeks he wants to start work on the nursery. A little scary for me, but he acknowledged that too. He's also decided that he doesn't want to decide her name until much closer. I'm definitely not sure about that! I said that I would prefer as soon as possible so I can start calling her by name. We then got distracted by thinking of names and didn't really come to a conclusion on that one!

I also, bravely, bought a little body suit. I managed it by telling myself that it wasn't for baby but for hubby, I wanted him to see how tiny she would be when she arrives. It worked a treat and he was amazed, holding it up over my bump.

I honestly have to say that since I have been able to feel her move more often, a lot of my anxiety has lessened. I am sure it will never go completely, but I am able to focus much more on the fact that she is here now, making her presence felt, than worrying about what might happen next.

Father's Day

I'm a little bit tired of hearing that acknowledging my husband, and other men who are living without their babies, puts a downer on the Father's Day celebrations of others.

Why is it ok for people to post about the fathers and grandfathers that they miss on this day, but it's not ok to acknowledge that there are men the world over missing spending this day with their precious children?

Once again, I am pregnant on Father's Day. The first time this happened, as I have posted about before, I didn't even acknowledge my husband as a father. I simply thought that you weren't a mother, or father, until you had a baby to hold. I know now how wrong my thinking was, for so many reasons.

This time, everything is so different. This baby is growing and kicking away inside and I can feel her get extra active when she hears her daddy's voice when he comes home from work. The way he is looking after both of us this time around just proves to me beyond any doubt that he is a father already, and that he is doing everything he can for his little girl.

He copes with Father's Day by not thinking about it, and as he is working today already told me when I asked how he was doing that he doesn't really want to talk about it until he gets home. Long ago that would have bothered me, but everything we have learned these past years reassures me that he can do whatever he needs to cope with this in any way he likes, even (especially) if it is not what I would do. We both grieve so differently.

And honestly, it is hard to celebrate, even with this little one here, knowing that our first baby could have been 16 months old and ready to spoil her daddy on this special day. It will always be this way for us on special days, there will always be little faces missing from our table, from our photos and from our memories.

So I am not sorry for acknowledging my husband as a father today. My heart aches for the hugs, kisses and memories that he has been denied. He is the best father our little ones could ever wish for.

19 weeks

Or the size of a retro gameboy!

My 19th week had been fairly uneventful. Wiggly feelings were starting to turn into definite kicks and we can pick up her beautiful heartbeat almost immediately every night.

Thankfully, our weekly progesterone test showed a huge rebound and we were back up to levels measuring one week ahead. The plan now is to continue on the same dose until 28 weeks, as long as the results keep tracking this way.

The hubby had the weekend off so we ventured out to do a little shopping. Not more than 10 minutes in and I was in all sorts of pain in my leg and terrible pulling feelings in my groin. SO much so that I was in tears in the middle of the shopping centre.

It wasn't just the pain making me cry, it was the thought that here I was, not even 20 weeks and in such pain walking around a store and just about to finish work ealy... when all the #fitpregnancy talk makes me feel like a complete failure because I can't climb a mountain to pose for bump pics!

In addition to that, I have had to start insulin for my GD. My numbers are all pretty much under the limits, but because I am already on metformin (for PCO) and that would be lowering my numbers already and I have to come off that before third trimester... well, they wanted to start me now.

It's not a huge drama, but it is just one more thing to worry about. What to eat, when to eat and being scared of overnight lows when I take my bedtime dose. People much braver than me have to face a lifetime of this, I know I only have a few months ahead of me.

Officially halfway too, as the current plan is still c-section at 37/38 weeks. So hard to believe but oh so amazing.

When It Hurts

Just as pregnancy loss is an isolating experience, I am coming to find that pregnancy after loss can carry much of the same silence and awkwardness.

When I first started telling people about this little one, responses ranged from "How far along are you this time?" to "This time will be different." I also received many subdued "Congratulations" that almost seemed to have an undertone of doubt or even disbelief. I also had a couple of "Again?!" I'm not sure if this was due to the number of previous losses (people were quick to suggest we look at adoption after our last loss), or the short time between our last loss and this baby. I would have liked just one positive "Congratulations!" I knew that people would ask how far, that's one of the reasons we waited till we passed the 8 week point of our last loss before telling even family.

I have also found it hard to talk about my own feelings about this pregnancy. I'm constantly being told off for saying "if" but it is just not possible for me to say '"when" yet. I try to explain that it is not negativity, or even worry and anxiety - it is realism. I have been on the wrong side of the odds too many times to take anything for granted. I also can't talk about the fact that I am still mourning all our lost babies, but also still processing our loss from April and trying to get my head around the fact that if that baby had lived then we wouldn't have our little girl. I just get uncomprehending stares in return. I have people ask me why I am feeling sad, down or withdrawn, after all, I should be happy to be pregnant.

The thing I am finding most difficult at the moment is the feeling that I should be having a happy and painless pregnancy because I am lucky enough to actually be pregnant again. I guess this came to a head after reading a fellow loss mum's comment on an infertility group I was part of. It was basically along the lines of "I wouldn't complain about anything if I was pregnant, don't these women know how lucky they are? I can't stand hearing it!"

I found this really confronting, as while I am thankful beyond belief to be carrying this little one, the pregnancy itself is difficult for me. I truly believe I will do whatever it takes to get her here safely, but should I just have to grin and bear the pain? On top of the daily progesterone and the fatigue this causes (which is nothing more than an inconvenience), and the gestational diabetes, my back injury is starting to play up and the nerve pain in my leg is almost excruciating. At the moment, I can barely walk for 5 minutes before it becomes too much. I am also having troubles with round ligament pain and SPD.

Yes I am getting a support band, yes I have seen the physio, yes I am starting up hydro therapy again this week... but just because I am blessed to be pregnant again does that mean I can't say the words, "My leg is really hurting today."

I never expect everyone to understand what this experience feels like, and I know there are many women who would give anything to fall pregnant, but just as we don't expect them to suffer their losses in silence, why should the experience of pregnancy after loss be somehow immune from this kind of freedom and support?

Pregnancy is tough. Pregnancy after loss is tough.

18 Weeks

Ovia tells me that this week baby is the size of a croissant, I know EXACTLY how big that is! I should probably just put the Ovia pictures up instead, but now that I have started I kind of want to keep them all the same.

I got the results back from the MTHFR test, negative. Good to know but at the moment doesn't really change anything. Thankfully my progesterone result went up a little at the end of last week. Still not back to where we were, but not a drop which I was so anxious about all week, and still just on average for our gestation. Our little girl is still kicking away in there and we still listen to her heartbeat almost every night.

I've been thinking about a lot of things to do with this pregnancy and how I keep changing my mind about what I want to do, and how to do it. For example, we have told close family and friends, but haven't made the obligatory "facebook announcement" and I am not sure if I want to. But then I feel this little one deserves to be celebrated. Likewise, we hadn't planned to have a shower, but again I find myself thinking that both our baby, and to a lesser extent myself, shouldn't miss out on that experience that is so common to other pregnant woman. We had also more or less agreed not to do anything in the spare room until after we bring the baby home, after all, she'll be spending the first few months in our room. But this also feels like a right of passage that I need to experience at some point. And although she won't be sleeping there, we need somewhere to store her clothes and the multitude of nappies!

I don't know, I am a bit all over the place. Just as I can divide my life into a distinct 'before' and 'after' that pivots around our first loss, so I can see two distinct futures. I have always seen the future where this little one joins her siblings in heaven, but now I am also starting to see glimpses of a possible future with her here.

In a few days well be at 19 weeks. For us technically half way as she'll probably be here between 37 and 38 weeks. I just can't get my head around it. And then I feel a little kick which reminds me that for right now, she's here and that's all that matters.

17 Weeks

Or the size of a playstation controller according to Ovia!

The past week has been a tricky one. My progesterone levels have dropped, a LOT, from 50 to 40. I can't even explain the anxiety this has caused. My specialist says she's not worried yet, and to see what happens this week. Could just be a fluke.

The main thing to worry about here is early labour, so every little twinge or pain is sending me into a panic. I am doing my best to stay calm and our doppler is certainly helping in that regard. Our baby girl's little heart is beating away at a steady 160ish bpm every night when we check before bed.

I had also had a couple of high bgl readings during my first week of testing. I knew that it was due to what I had eaten, really testing myself out to see what I could and couldn't eat (read, too many hot chips, too much rice and pasta!) but I didn't know what the outcome of that would be at my one week check up. Thankfully, they were happy with my reasoning and so I only have to go back in two weeks for a check up with the endocrinologist, rather than an urgent on the day appointment.

So besides waiting for my progesterone test this week, I'm waiting for another test result. One possible cause of the low or dropping progesterone is the MTHFR mutation, which I have never been tested for. Some of the symptoms fit (wheat allergy) but others don't (dairy intolerance). I don't really know what it will mean if the test comes back positive and in this case I have chosen not to google - I'll just wait for the result which can take up to a week.

The main thing scaring me is the progesterone. They've already said the think that is the reason for our previous losses, so the background thoughts of losing our little girl have come right to the front. I've had dreams for the past two nights of waking up bleeding - this usually happens the day before AF arrives so it is genuinely worrying to me to have such dreams now.

This little one is already such a part of us, perhaps even more so than her siblings before her, it is all I can do to keep thoughts of losing her at bay. I just keep reminding myself that she's here now, and doing fine. And at the moment, that's all I can ask for.

16 Weeks

The size of an avocado, but not as green or mushy (thanks Ovia!)

My 16th week started with an appointment at the hospital of horrors. This time I only had to wait 2 and a half hours, I was so glad I told hubby not to bother coming along! I had no idea what to expect but came prepared with all the test results they asked for and was hoping to find out what happens next. Instead, once I was finally called the first question asked was, "Is this your first appointment?" Are you kidding me?! Once that was out of the way the next question was, "Can you tell me about your previous pregnancies?" No, I though, I have been over that, I can see it written on the screen in front of you! Instead, I asked to be told what was happening with THIS pregnancy. Were my tests looking ok, please check my blood pressure, tell me what happens next, do I keep taking the folate, metformin and aspirin. Couldn't get an answer about the folate or metformin, but was told aspirin is fine to continue. All my tests were ok, but my glucose tolerance test came back borderline. All my results were exactly on the cut off.

That was a big enough shock, I had thought the early test was just a precaution, none of my urine tests had shown any issues. I was then told that because of this, I would have to stay at this hospital and not be transferred at 20 weeks as we had been told and been planning all long. I was devastated. There is no way I can have my baby at this hospital and annoyingly (I keep blaming hormones!) I started crying. I was so upset. At this point she chose to take my blood pressure!

Not surprisingly it registered high, from memory 152 over 95. "It must be because you are upset." I was then asked to go and wait back in the waiting room to calm down and she would test it again after the next patient. No way I was waiting out there AGAIN and I knew I wouldn't calm down until I had a chance to talk to hubby about everything that I had just found out. I said I'd get my GP to check next time I saw her.

A call later that afternoon set up my appointment with the Diabetes Educator and Dietician at our preferred hospital for the following Monday. This went really well. Hubby came along so he could find out what I had to do, how often to test and anything he could help with. Ever since he has come in to get me before work so he can help (he writes the number in the log book) with the morning test and does the same after dinner. Sometimes I wonder if this is even the person I married :) Frustratingly, all my tests have been well below the cut off levels making me wonder why I am even doing this, but whatever it takes to get our little girl here safely! I have also since been told that having GD has NOTHING to do with which hospital I birth at and it will all depend on how healthy baby and I are when the time comes.

That afternoon we had our 'before 20 weeks reassurance scan' and everything was wonderful. We had checked our baby girl's heartbeat the night before so knew she was doing ok, but it was so wonderful to see her tiny heart beating away and watch her wriggling around. So much wriggling in fact that we couldn't get a lot of measurements, but what we did get was perfect.

So now it is waiting. Daily blood glucose tests, weekly progesterone and the 20 week scan in just under 4 weeks. Hang in there baby girl!

Gender prediction

I honestly don't know how much longer I can refrain from using baby's gender when writing these posts, so time to put these gender prediction theories to the test and get to the bottom of it!

Chinese Lunar calendar prediction: girl
Fetal heart rate test, over 140: girl
Mayan calendar prediction (mothers age odd, year of conception even): boy
Morning sickness, relatively mild (no throwing up), just constant: boy
Sweet vs salty, I've gone completely off chocolate and crave salted crisps: boy
Acne/skin test: girl
Nipple test! Still the same colour: girl
Hairy legs test: boy
Moody test, yeah, I'm all over the place: girl
Dream test, I was dreaming about boys, or one of each: girl
Baby weight, it's all on the bum and hips: girl
Sleep position, prefer the right and more comfortable: girl
Breast growth, hasn't changed much: boy
Cold feet, hard to say being winter but haven't noticed much difference: girl

So... out of these 14 theories the results are girl:9 and boy:5

Of course at this stage (and we have known since 11 weeks) the only way to be sure is with a blood test. We used the Percept test and both times (we had a re-draw because the first sample free cell DNA wasn't high enough) the test has confirmed... it's a GIRL!

15 Weeks

I was back at school last week and completely exhausted, so no update! Two main things happened, one was my early glucose tolerance test which I'll post about next time, the other was a shopping trip with hubby.

It's rare for us to have two days off in a row together, much less the weekend, so when he knew he would be off hubby requested that we go shopping as he needed new shirts and trousers for work - fun! I also knew I needed a couple of extra tops for work, baby is making it's presence known!

I asked if possible could we stop in somewhere and buy a little something for baby. A blanket, a toy, a book... anything really, just something little to make it feel a bit more real and give a little optimism. Hubby readily agreed.

Shopping for ourselves was fine, although I did have a little moment in the first shop as all the clothes were horrible and too tight and clingy. I'm not even thinking of maternity clothes, just 'normal' clothes a couple of sizes larger.

Once I had bought my tops we went looking for something for baby. We checked out a couple of cots and car seats and confirmed our thoughts, but nowhere near ready being able to buy anything like that. We were looking at blankets and cot sets and there were so many lovely whites and greys, exactly what we have in mind for our little one's room. We ummed and ahhed over a few, hubby was even trying to get me to buy more than one as we couldn't decide!

Having made our choice of a lovely knitted blanket, a perfect match for the chair we have ordered, I was ready to leave. As we were, hubby spotted a "Love at first sight" ultrasound photo frame that he thought we should get. I burst into tears. I know it had been building, looking at all of the baby items, but all I could think of what that we still might lose this little one that we love more and more every moment. He was so lovely, giving me a hug and a kiss on the forehead as I sobbed in the middle of the store - something that would usually make him hugely uncomfortable. But he did it. For me. For us. It's not just baby that I love more and more every moment.