21 and 22 weeks

Things seem to be speeding up around here! I feel like I am back to appointments almost every other day and while it is so very good to know that everything is progressing well, it is so exhausting.

After my scan last week I had a bit of a break, although also had to go in to school to finalize things. I know there are a few people wondering why I am off so early, but the face that I feel so much more relaxed now is just amazing. And it has made SUCH an improvement to the pain in my leg! 

This week I saw the endochrinologist for a follow up on my GD and they have stopped my metformin. It was a bit of a struggle the first morning, wondering if it was going to hurt baby but she gave me a little kick which I took as a sign of reassurance. They said they needed to do this now as there is some evidence that it can cross the placenta and after 28 weeks this could cause problems for baby. I just have to keep a close eye on my blood glucose as the metformin was also acting to reduce this.

Everything else there is going ok. I am getting better at judging what and when to eat, although I have had a few nights where I just HAD to eat something late, especially when we stay up late to watch the football - it's hard to make it to 2am without something to sustain me!! It does make my morning numbers a bit higher, but still within range so I am not too worried yet.

I then had my hospital appointment which, all things considered, was the best one yet. I still had to wait for ages, but once I was in the doctor was lovely. She had a student who struggled with everything, couldn't take my blood pressure, couldn't measure baby, poked me WAY to hard when feeling for baby and then couldn't find baby's heartbeat with the doppler. I could feel her wiggling, so I knew she was ok, and I even told the student where I usually found the heartbeat at home. No luck!

The doctor found an ancient ultrasound machine, just to locate baby's heart (and bonus I got to see her wiggle again although the image was terrible!) as the machine was too old to even have sound. They still couldn't get the heartbeat, so I just asked if I could have a try - got it immediately and a nice little 152 popped up on the monitor. That's my girl :)

I was given pathology slips for rhesus anitbodies (I'll have an anti-D at 28 weeks all being well) and iron levels. I asked about Vitamin D and was told that they are no longer allowed to request this unless there is proven low Vitamin D (I wonder how they would know this without testing?). I showed her my previous result and she added it to the request right away! 

I also have slips for ultrasounds every 2 weeks, 26, 28 and 30 weeks for now. They said they'll keep on eye on baby and take things week by week. I then asked about delivery and this doctor was sure that my back would be no hurdle to 'natural' birth, even when I told her that when it goes off I can be bedridden for weeks, not ideal with new baby. So she's asked me to bring my xray and scans next time for review.

In the meantime, I have also found out that, given the overall picture, they feel it's best for me to stay at this hospital and not transfer. I guess I understand, I certainly wasn't as upset about it as I thought I might be. Talking about my experiences there the last pregnancy she felt I was showing signs of PTSD which I had thought about but not really acted on. She's referred me to a psych service within the maternity ward. 

Next week is already filling up with physio and follow up scan for baby to hopefully measure those tricky bits of her heart she wouldn't let us see last time. As well as my usual weekly progesterone level blood test. 

Now to tackle the house...

19 weeks

Or the size of a retro gameboy!

My 19th week had been fairly uneventful. Wiggly feelings were starting to turn into definite kicks and we can pick up her beautiful heartbeat almost immediately every night.

Thankfully, our weekly progesterone test showed a huge rebound and we were back up to levels measuring one week ahead. The plan now is to continue on the same dose until 28 weeks, as long as the results keep tracking this way.

The hubby had the weekend off so we ventured out to do a little shopping. Not more than 10 minutes in and I was in all sorts of pain in my leg and terrible pulling feelings in my groin. SO much so that I was in tears in the middle of the shopping centre.

It wasn't just the pain making me cry, it was the thought that here I was, not even 20 weeks and in such pain walking around a store and just about to finish work ealy... when all the #fitpregnancy talk makes me feel like a complete failure because I can't climb a mountain to pose for bump pics!

In addition to that, I have had to start insulin for my GD. My numbers are all pretty much under the limits, but because I am already on metformin (for PCO) and that would be lowering my numbers already and I have to come off that before third trimester... well, they wanted to start me now.

It's not a huge drama, but it is just one more thing to worry about. What to eat, when to eat and being scared of overnight lows when I take my bedtime dose. People much braver than me have to face a lifetime of this, I know I only have a few months ahead of me.

Officially halfway too, as the current plan is still c-section at 37/38 weeks. So hard to believe but oh so amazing.

As the days go by

 
Every day is a new experience, we have never been this far in a pregnancy before. As exciting as you might think this is, for me it just increases my anxiety around how I will cope if things don't turn out.

The past Wednesday was a challenge, as I had to return to the same hospital and clinic as our last pregnancy, something I had vowed not to do - but hospital admin will have it's way.

I thought I was in the clear as I was scheduled to see a completely different team, until the high risk registrar showed me through to her office and that very doctor was sitting at her desk! I just froze and couldn't go in, tears coming out of nowhere. I managed to explain and she ushered him out, explaining to me she wasn't even sure why he was there in the first place.

The appointment was quite positive, after this initial appointment, and one more, they are confident that I can switch to the other hospital, if everything continues to go smoothly with the pregnancy. I explained my fears about the progesterone levels and they did a quick scan for me - baby measuring a couple of days ahead (give or take) and that gorgeous little heart beating away.

The scan in itself was quite surreal as I was back in the same room as our scans for the previous pregnancy and I was sure that there would be no heartbeat - I was already thinking that so the room just added to the fear. The lovely doctor even held my hand as the tech did the scan.

She also measured my blood pressure and was surprised at the high reading, but was more than willing to put it down to my worry over the baby and the distress at seeing the other doctor. She asked me to have it monitored whenever I visit my GP.

Since then I have had my weekly follow up on my progesterone levels. My last check was 39 (12 in adjusted terms) and this time was 55 (17). I had been told that my levels would go up quite quickly, I was expecting something more than this although if I compare the results, it has gone up more in the last week than in the previous 3, so that's something.

My GP also tested my hcg to pass on to the genetic counselor, the result was only 108,000. They all think that this is fine, as levels slow after 6 weeks and also after reaching such high numbers. Still, this is a doubling time of 10 days based on my previous result, which was 3 weeks ago, so not really useful for comparison.

I have to have progesterone and hcg monitored weekly until at least 14 weeks, so we shall see what happens next.

My daily medication regimen is now 200mg progesterone twice a day, 5mg folate, 100mg aspirin, 850mg metformin and my prenatal vitamin. By far the most disruptive is the progesterone. The night dose is not too bad, but as I have to lay flat for at least 30 mins after, the morning dose is a pain on work days - but so far seems to be worth it!

I was supposed to be having my combined first trimester screen blood test this week, and 12 week scan and harmony test two weeks after that. Now I am having my weekly bloods this week, screening bloods, harmony and scan the following week at 11 weeks, and my 12 week scan a week later at 13 weeks.

It still seems surreal to think about making it that far, and as yet I haven't booked our appointments. That's my job for tomorrow, if I can summon the courage.

Happy Easter little ones

This Easter has brought so many mixed emotions.

We should have been celebrating a first birthday. We should have been celebrating a first Easter with three of our angels. It was also our first Easter without my grandfather.

Yet I spent most of the day focused on protecting the life of the little one I am carrying now. Part of me feels terribly guilty, but I also know that really, this little one is the only one I can still do something for. So for the first time in my life, I didn't go to church on Good Friday. I didn't go the the dawn service on Easter Sunday and I didn't have Easter lunch with my family. Instead, I stayed home, mostly on the bed, and nurtured the life inside me the best I know how.

People keep assuming I must be bored, but I'm lucky I guess in that I can always find something to occupy myself. My mornings are reading, I'm reading the second book of the Outlander series (again!) before the series begins in two weeks and I check all the news on my phone or tablet. Then I have been catching up on movies in the afternoon that I'd rather not subject hubby to! I have a nap, hubby's home and then the night flies by.

In between there are countless trips to the kitchen to refill my bottle and the resulting trips to the toilet, along with an increased appetite (yay!) and the resulting nausea.

My nerves are building as tomorrow's appointment draws closer. I really don't know what to expect. My spotting has all but stopped, but I don't know if that is a good thing. I'm just hoping that baby has a little more room to move and that everything is still going along.

Only tomorrow will tell.

We've got ourselves a fighter!

To get the best and most wonderful news out of the way first, our little baby is growing perfectly and we saw its tiny heartbeat for the first time. So amazing. Such a miracle.

Now to how we got there...

For the third week in a row the clinic messed up our appointment. This time they actually had us booked in (makes a change) but had us booked for the normal antenatal clinic, not the specialist early pregnancy clinic.

This meant not only sitting in a room full of hugely pregnant bellies not even knowing if our babe was still there (and lots of tears on my part due to the extreme anxiety of it all) but it also meant waiting three HOURS for an appointment that we should have waited no more than 30 minutes for.

When we were finally called in, the specialist asked what I was there for. I know they have so many patients to see, but considering that our last appointment with him lead to the week from hell it was a little hard to hear. I explained. He asked me how the week had been and I told him I'd had a little spotting on a couple of days and he just nodded his head as if confirming his diagnosis. I was shaking like a leaf by this stage. He then suggested we head over for the scan to 'confirm things' and go from there.

In the end we had to wait another 30 minutes or so and then the lovely midwife who we had seen two weeks ago came to see how we were doing. She asked us to fill her in on all that had happened and was very understanding. Then the specialist flew in, poked around with the probe causing quite a lot of pain, looked at the monitor and said 'fetal heart.' He turned the screen around and there for the first time we saw our little baby and the oh so tiny flicker of it's rapidly beating heart. I must have let out a terrible sound, I know I was sobbing like mad, because the midwife came running back in, then looked at the screen and grabbed my knee and said something encouraging. I have no idea, all I remember was squeezing hubby's hand so tight, and seeing the enormous grin on his face, before turning back to the screen. I didn't take my eyes off it again until the scan was done.

Baby was measuring 6 weeks 3 days (according to the single measurement he did, still not convinced it was 100% accurate) which is about 2 or 3 days behind where I thought we were, SO much better than the two WEEKS behind we were told last week. The tiny little heart registered 123bmp.

Now we wait for next week. In the meantime, I have baby's first photo to stare at in amazement.

Cravings, anxiety, and the seventh week

Cravings:
My appetite is all but gone, in part due to nausea and in part anxiety. I try to make myself eat at least 3 times a day and I have only stopped a meal to be sick once (yay!), but other than that the thought of eating actually make me feel even more sick. I run though the list in my head of what's available and fight the nausea that comes with each suggestion.

I'm finding it pretty hard to eat anything cold, so all my lovely salad veggies are going to waste. Toast is ok, usually just with butter and vegemite, but is a once a day thing for me. I could eat chicken nuggets all day, that is the closest thing I have to an actual food craving, so I just make sure not to buy them.

Other than that, I'm craving ice.I have read that this is considered a form of pica but I'm choosing not to think of it that way! I have always liked crunching on the occasional glass of ice, now I just do it more often. It's also said to point to iron deficiency, which is possible, but my last results were fine and the prenatal vitamin I have been taking for the last 2 years has the full daily dose.

If chicken nuggets and ice are as far as these cravings go, I'll be happy!

Anxiety:
I know this wont go away any time soon, and I am trying to find ways to deal with it. It probably doesn't help that I am off work this week with a bad pain in my upper back, meaning I have a bit of extra time on my hands!

Following our scan earlier this week I am finding it a little harder to keep at bay. I know that if things are not progressing as normal, blighted ovum is the most likely explanation. That's really difficult. How do I bond with a baby that might not be there? Especially when trying to bond with a baby I might lose is already hard enough?

I also had a little spotting following the internal ultrasound, which is normal, but still had me waiting for it to stop. I'm still running to the toilet to check for spotting or bleeding, but I am getting better at stretching out the times in between.

I still find it incredibly hard to even think about telling people I am pregnant. On the one hand, I don't want to be congratulated on a pregnancy that might not last. On the other, I want this baby to be acknowledged. We have only told immediate family, one very special friend, and (unfortunately) our bosses. I keep thinking to the next milestone, e.g. if I make it to the next scan then I might tell... Afterall, there are people who will need to know if something goes wrong, and I hate having to tell people that I have miscarried before they even know I am pregnant.

In the meantime, I have 4 days to wait until our next scan. I am filled with so much dread at the thought, not only of seeing that baby hasn't grown, but at having to deal with that doctor again. I rang the hospital to ask if I could be seen by another doctor, apparently he's the only specialist there in this area. The clinic manager did say that she wants me to stop in after our appointment and if I am still not happy she is going to refer me to the Royal Women's, so that's something to think about.

Now, to distract myself on instagram for a while...

Another day on the rollercoaster

Today we had our first scan.

After confirming an intrauterine pregnancy (yay!) and a gestational sac, we were then told that the sac was only measuring 4w3d and that based on my dates (which were never discussed) was probably a missed miscarriage.

Devastated doesn't even begin to cover it. I was told to come back in a week if there had been no bleeding for another scan and to discuss 'options.' I had to practically beg the midwife for an hcg test. At least if the numbers were going down I would know what was coming. She agreed, and we left the hospital fearing that our little one was gone.

In the next few hours, waiting for her to call with the results, I learned some interesting things.

Firstly, the size of the gestational sac is supposed to be based on an average of three measurements from different angles. He only took one. It can also be affected by positioning of the uterus, etc. I know from previous scans that my uterus is tipped backwards. To get correct measurements with a tipped uterus can take some doing. My scan lasted only a matter of one or two minutes, so I can't say how thorough it was.

Secondly, 6.3mm is in the range for 5 weeks, not 4, which is still a little behind where I thought I was but could be attributed to late ovulation and implantation.

I was starting to have a little hope, but knew that it would rest on the hcg levels. My result came back at 3700 and the midwife was really happy. I can't tell you the relief, but also the anger that I felt for putting us through that this morning.

I know we are not out of the woods. My levels are doubling just less than the recommended time (but still going up!) and baby is measuring small... but still there! She has recommended me not to take another hcg test in the meantime as different labs can give different results and she doesn't want me worried for nothing.

So we wait another week on the rollercoaster and maybe next week will bring us more good news. We know that a blighted ovum is still a possibility, but we're choosing to hope that the next scan will show us our growing baby.

Fifth time's the charm?

Yes, after almost 10 months of failure and heartbreak, I am pregnant again! That's one of the reasons it's been a little quiet on the blog lately, the other is everything that goes with buying and moving in to a new house (more on that another time).

I probably should have seen this one coming, but I really didn't. Everything had been going so well, I was enjoying our new little village and walking down to the shops or post office each day, then suddenly, I had zero energy. Even the thought of walking 5 minutes made me feel tired! I just put it down to being run down as I also had a bit of a stuffy nose and a cold sore. Why did I not see this as a huge red flag?! The last time I had a cold sore I was pregnant!

A few days later, the three ladies from school who all had their babies at the end of last year came to visit. It was pretty hard, but I said my hellos and went back to my office for a bit of a cry. I was texting hubby about it and he asked, "Have you checked yourself?" I realised that I was a couple of days late, but just thought it was the metformin messing me around again.

I couldn't get his words out of my head and when I got home, I tested and was greeted with that lovely sight above, Pregant 1-2! I have to be completely honest and say that my first reaction was one of absolute terror. I find it so hard to imagine having a healthy pregnancy and knowing that there is really not all that much I can do about it. I was a nervous ball of energy for the next 30 minutes it took hubby to get home and share the news.

One of the possibilities my specialist wanted to rule out was low progesterone, so I went and had a hcg and serum progesterone test. Then I had to wait for the results. Every pain or pressure felt a thousand times worse and I was sure it was cramps on their way, but so far nothing. No cramping, no spotting, just incredibly sore breasts and nipples, nausea all day and very little appetite.

My progesterone was 55, which I have been told is really high (then I worry about if there is such a thing as too high?) and my hcg at 5w4d was 937. That is the highest number I have ever seen, even though I know it is not particularly high.

Today, at 5w6d my hcg is 1530. Not quite doubled in 48 hrs (tracking more like 60) but once numbers are over 1200 apparently between 72 and 96 hours is normal and as long as they are going up it's good.

We have our first scan next week, at 6w4d. I still break out in a cold sweat thinking of not hearing a heartbeat, etc but trying to be positive. I also guess we'll find out a due date and if my dates are a little out due to late ovulation and I'm not quite as far along as I think.

If I can make it to the scan, it'll be the longest any of my babies has stayed with me. That IS something to look forward to.

Don't even think about it

 

That's how I feel about this time every month.

I think, “I might be pregnant” and then a series of completely irrational thoughts take over. I'm sharing a few of them now in the hope that is anyone else is experiencing thoughts like this they wont feel so alone, or fearful of being called (or feeling) crazy.

First I think, don't get your hopes up. Every time you look forward to something it goes wrong.

Then I think, you're probably not pregnant anyway. After all this time, what are the chances?

Then, even if I am pregnant it doesn't mean anything. The chances of another miscarriage are unbelievably high.

Then, that's probably why you're not pregnant, so negative. Show some faith.

Then, that's probably really why you're not pregnant, God wont bless you with a miracle that you doubt.

Then, what's that got to do with anything? We had sex during my fertile window, we have as much chance as anyone else.

Then, I might be pregnant.

And so it goes.

...

Nothing I could think of seemed an appropriate title for this post.

Yesterday was the estimated due date of our last baby. So that's it, we have now passed that last 'milestone' for want of a better word.

Life has been pretty busy, with all that goes around buying and moving house, so we haven't really had time to reflect too much. I said a little prayer for our angel, and its siblings in heaven, and then got back to packing. 

For some reason, I suppose because 'she' was here longest, our second pregnancy is the one I fixate on. The one whose birthday I think of, whose first Christmas I mourned and whose loss I just can't comprehend. So while I feel like I should be focusing on the baby whose arrival we should have been celebrating yesterday, in the back of my mind all I can think of is the looming 1st birthday that we wont be celebrating.

This probably all sounds terribly depressing but the truth is I am actually doing better at the moment that at any time in the past 18 months.Partly because we have been talking about other options, nothing in depth but just mentioning the possibilities of IVF, adoption and so on, which helps to realise that this might not be the end after all.

What does scare me however is that next month will mark 2 years since we started this crazy journey. I could never have imagined it would turn out like this.

Nothing but waiting...

AF took 7 days longer than normal to arrive. A 38 day cycle and I tested almost every day. By the time I was 4 days late and still getting those BFNs I pretty much gave up hope of actually being pregnant and just waited for AF to arrive. It HAS to be the metformin, there's no other explanation. I started spotting at cd36, then nothing cd37... even today when I say AF is here, it's still so light. Maybe I have just forgotten what a normal period feels like, as I have no cramping or anything.

I'm just so upset that I didn't see this coming. I haven't used OPKs for months as my cycle has been so regular, and now I feel like I am starting all over again. The only possible plus to this is that hubby is due to start two weeks leave shortly and, if my cycle returns to normal, that'll be right during the fertile window. He's already indicated that he's hoping to 'get in a few extra tries' so we'll see what happens.

There are so many more things I want to write but I am becoming so conscious of being a grump about all of this. I know that I have changed as a person as a result of our losses, and some of those changes are good. I also know that there are some I have yet to come to terms with, including the friends and family that haven't been supportive of us and I am really struggling to reconcile with what that means for us and our relationships with these people going forward. So many issues to sort through. Looks like we have plenty more time!

So it's PCO...

A lot has happened in the weeks since I last updated this blog.

I passed my 37th birthday, still not pregnant.

We passed the due date of our second angel baby.

My sister in law gave birth to her second child.

Hubby's birthday passed.

Two colleagues announced their pregnancies at work.

I went for a 3D ultrasound and was told I have PCO.

Sometimes I just want to hide. It feels like it is all too much, I seem to be just drifting from one day to another, not hiding from anything but not really dealing with it either.

My birthday was hard. I should have had a tiny 8 week old baby. I should have been pregnant, about to give birth. I should have been ready to announce a pregnancy. I should have been going for my first ultrasound. Instead, I was sitting in a restaurant being told that I should be happy that at least I could have a drink.

Baby's due date came and went. This was the only one who had a confirmed due date, one we had time to get used to and even had a pet name for. This was a hard day. I thought about taking the day, even the morning off work. In the end, I just went in so as not to be home alone.

The arrival of our little niece was uncomfortable. Hubby's family are in the UK and we haven't seen them for almost 3 years. This little one was due about the same time as ours. All his younger siblings have children, 6 between them. I have one niece on my side. As the older siblings in our respective families, we are the ones still waiting.

Hubby's birthday was ok. He doesn't enjoy celebrating at the best of times, I made sure to spoil him. He was just a little sad not to hear from his family until after the day had passed.

The pregnancy announcements at work were hard, as is the day to day reality of working in that environment. More about that in another post I think.

So then came the scan. AT the time, the specialist doing the test said everything looked fine. ''Nice big ovaries with lots of eggs'' was how he put it. Turns out that meant PCO. The fertility specialist doesn't think I have PCOS as my periods are always so regular and I obviously ovulate regularly due to the number of pregnancies. He's prescribed metformin as he told me this can regulate the associated hormone imbalance which he feels is likely the reason behind our losses. he seemed quite optimistic that this would 'do the trick' as he put it.

So at least we have an answer, finally, and a plan of action. I've got a prescription for 4 months. The FS thinks I'll fall again before it runs out, and he's given me a detailed plan of what treatment and appointments I'll have every week up until 12 weeks. I feel unaccountably optimistic this cycle. We managed to dtd at mostly the right time, I'm taking the metformin, that should do the trick! The challenge now will be not letting myself get my hopes too high! Only 4dpo, here's hoping this TWW doesn't drag :)