Sunday 4 October 2015

Capture Your Grief: Day 4, Dark & Light



The prompt for today says:
Today we are acknowledging the dark and the light sides of grief. The ugly and the beauty. The bitter and the sweet. The anger and the peace.
I'm not really sure where to go with this. As anyone reading this blog probably knows, I have really been struggling to find the "light" in any of this. That is not to say that my life is all doom and gloom, it's just that there is nothing in this situation, in the loss of all those pregnancies, that I can think of as beautiful, sweet or light.

Maybe that's because we never got to meet any of our babies. I often read on blogs about these types of loss that people have memories of their child to hold on to. Photographs. Feeling their child in their arms or other lovely feelings that, while full of the pain of loss, can also bring them comfort and peace.  We don't have this.

The closest I come are the nights between learning of each pregnancy and then losing it, that we would lie in the dark and whisper our hopes and dreams for each little life. But at the moment any peace to be found there is overshadowed by the ugly, bitter and angry aside of grief.

If I really try, I can see a few positives that have come from our experiences. Our marriage has grown stronger, but it almost tore us apart. I have also been able to connect with other women who have experiences similar things and offer some support to them, but at the cost of many personal friendships.

So I don't know. I'm not even trying to find anything good in this situation, I'm just trying to come to a point where I can accept that this is the way our life as a family has turned out so far, and to try to look towards the future with some hope. That's all I can do.

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