Capture Your Grief: Day 30, Reflection

The prompt for today says:

Take today to reflect on this past month. What is your relationship with grief like right now? Is it still the same? Has anything changed? What have you learned about yourself and your grief? Did you love anything about this project? What did you find difficult?

I've struggled to think for a way to make coherent sense of the multitude of fragments in my mind as I look at this prompt. I think it is beyond me at the moment, so here's just a few of the 'tabs' open in my brain at the moment.

I hate that I feel like this. I hate that this has had such an impact on my husband. People often talk about all they have learned from their experiences with baby loss and although that may be true, a part of me still wishes it had never happened. Maybe this is because we never actually got to meet or hold any of our babies. Maybe this is because the only time anyone has ever called my husband 'dad' is the ultrasound tech whose next words were, "There's no heartbeat."

Some days are better than others, and it is a vicious cycle. Literally, as it is pretty much tied to my cycle. When AF arrives we go through the feelings of failure all over again. When my fertile window approaches I get unreasonably optimistic that maybe this time things will be different. During the TWW I curse myself for even daring to believe that I'll ever have a child to hold in my arms... and then it repeats.

I feel completely overwhelmed most of the time. Things that maybe in the past would have thrown me for an hour or two now seem to blow me off course for weeks. There have been plenty of big things happening too and that just makes it harder. And then I wonder if the toll this is all taking physically and emotionally is contributing to it all. In August, my grandfather passed away. That's both my grandfathers in one year, although I didn't really know one of them at all. Then a few short weeks later in September was the anniversary of our second miscarriage. This is always the toughest one for me, as following the first I had assumed it couldn't possibly happen again and that everything would be fine. Then October and not only a whole month dedicated to trying to process our losses,  but also the one year anniversary of my father-in-law's passing. It still breaks my heart that no one on my side of the family even acknowledged this day. Not even a "thinking of you" type message. Nothing. It's also now 6 months since the last time I was pregnant and so that brings the prospect of going back to the FS for more tests and whatever news that may bring. And that's to say nothing of changes at my work, at hubby's work and the whole stress of house hunting.

One of the most difficult things about this month of reflecting on our losses has been the three lovely ladies at my work all expecting their first babies at the end of this year, and seeing them everyday. I saw them each individually to pass on my wishes and give little gifts that I had made for them, and explained that I wouldn't be at the combined baby shower the following day. They were much more understanding than the rest of the staff. They all finish work today so I will be interested to see how this changes things over the remainder of the year.

  

There are many more thoughts running through my mind, but at the moment, its too much. Here's hoping tomorrow is a brighter day.