Friday, 2 October 2015

Capture Your Grief: Day 2, Intention

 The prompt for today says:

Set yourself a new intention to inspire your next path in grief and healing. It might be to live your life with more kindness or maybe you might intend to live your life more wholeheartedly in honour of your children. Spend some time with this one. Go and get some fresh air. What is it that you want out of this project?

This is something I am struggling with. My honest intention is to live life to the fullest, to experience those things that my babies will never be able to. I don't meaning climbing Everest or bungy jumping, I mean being fully present in every moment, making time for those I love, using my days for good, a feeling of having completed or achieved something...

The trouble is, I am not really doing this. I'm still really hurt by what some people have said or done to us, so I avoid them. maybe even when I know they need me. I avoid talking to people because I don't want to have to pretend to be ok, or I don't want every conversation we have to lead to tears.

I miss out on doing things, because it is far easier to stay at home hidden safely away than to cope with the what ifs, what if I see someone I know, what if they ask me one of seemingly a million questions that will put me on edge (even though I am already on edge just waiting for the questions to come!).

I don't even feel like I am using my time well. Some days I am a flurry of activity and everything is done. Not just the washing or the cleaning, but the shopping, a new blog post, new items finished and listed on my etsy, a shower and freshly washed hair, and I go out not just for groceries but to look for craft supplies I don't even really need. Other days, hubby calls to say he's on his way home from work and I realise the whole day has passed and I haven't done anything.

I know all these things are ok. But at the same time, I get a little mad at myself for not pulling myself together. I don't want to 'get over it' but I desperately want to 'get on with it' and I feel like I am failing not only the memory of my babies, but also my husband, and myself.

So even though I may fail, I will keep trying. I intend to live my life to the full in honour of my precious babies.

On a good day.
Hubby and I out hiking in the Grampians.

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