Tuesday, 19 August 2014

When the happiness of others hurts

I have had to stay away from my TTC forums since our chemical pregnancy. At 6 months it was already getting to the stage where I was struggling to feel positive about all the new members coming in and then leaving one or two months later with their BFPs. Now it's really hard.

The forums have been a great support for me and a safe place to ask questions and share some of the craziness. At the moment though it's really hard to see all the news of positive test results, especially the test photographs. It also reinforces that, at this point, if I saw that second line, I would probably be terrified. I just wouldn't feel safe or secure. I feel like I have had my chance at a happy, joyful pregnancy stolen away.

I shouldn't feel like this, but when I see someone in their very early 20s talking about how desperate they feel, I just want them to swap with me, for just one day. I know nothing is guaranteed, but I am pretty much at the outer limits of my 'fertile life' here. I don't know how much longer I CAN wait. It'll get to the point where even IVF with my own eggs mightn't be an option.

And every time someone comes on saying how they have only been with their partner for a few months, and then they leave with their BFP the following cycle I just want to scream. Even a movie that I once loved, Juno, makes me annoyed now for perpetuating the fertility myth - they only did it once for goodness sake!

I'm sure I'll be back on the boards soon enough, but with all the other turmoil in my life at the moment, being constantly reminded of what I almost had it just a bit too much to take.


  1. I completely understand! I go through days where I can't read comments and then times where DH bans me because I just get sad or angry. We have been together for ages but were lucky quickly then unlucky to lose it. Hope you come back though, I look forward to hearing you make it to 12wks :)

    1. Thanks you so much for the feedback, support and encouragement. It can be tough, but it'll be worth it in the end - right? =]