Wait... did you pee on this?

It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks around here.

10/12dpo  I'd been feeling all the same symptoms as with my previous pregnancy so we went out and bought a couple of hpts. There was the tiniest, faintest line but hubby wanted a closer look so he grabbed the pee stick from me, by the test end! Holding it up to the light, squinting he suddenly thrust it back to me, "Wait... did you pee on this?!" He spent the next 5 minutes almost scrubbing his hands raw - you would think after all the 'mess' that we have been through so far with TTC it wouldn't be such a big deal. I got a bit of a giggle out of it and that was what I needed at the time.

We decided to keep the other test for Christmas Eve, 14/16dpo. After watching in vain for that second line I spent the entire day in tears. It still doesn't take much. Another chemical pregnancy for Christmas. AF arrived Christmas day with no mercy. It really hit me hard. Not only was I not pregnant making this almost 12 months, but we didn't have the baby we were 'supposed' to have. I should have been 20 weeks. Half way there. Instead I was a mess and I well and truly spoiled Christmas for the two of us.

New Year's Eve wasn't much better. 2014 had brought nothing but pain and while I wanted to see the back of it, I just can't see how changing the numbers on a calendar is going to make a difference.

I have read so many blog posts in the last couple of days from women on this same journey, some 3 or 4 years into it, who are all full of light and hope and positivity and I'm just not feeling it. I'm hurting, we are hurting, and I'm tired of the platitudes. I'm tired of hearing it'll be our turn soon, or that next Christmas will be different, or that we can always turn to IVF. I don't even have it in me to respond to these comments any more.

This journey isn't fun. It's hell, physically, mentally, emotionally - the whole lot. Yes, it'll be worth it in the end, but that doesn't take away the pain of now. Every time someone jokes about how terrible the holidays are because their kids are home all day, how lucky we are to be able to sleep in late or how they wish they'd stopped at one, people who belittle and degrade their children for a laugh... I can't bear it.

I know that people try and put on a brave face for the outside world and you can never truly know the hardships that other couples experience, but this TTC thing is hard and I'm just not ready to greet it with a false smile and forced optimism.

Happy New Year? We'll see.