23 Weeks

Our little mango is the size of a Barbie doll this week according to Ovia. This got me thinking about all of those issues to do with raising girls, gender stereotypes, body image and so on.

More than anything though, this week has seen a huge spike in my anxiety levels. It started with a dream last week that I delivered our girl at 23 weeks, so I guess I have that in the back of my mind. Her movements have also changed this week, which I know is normal at this early stage. She's still kicking just as much, but her quiet times have changed from morning to mid afternoon. I have probably used the doppler more this week than in the last 2 or 3 weeks combined.

I think the main reason though, and this only came out last night while I was talking to hubby about all of this, is that we are so close to the magical 24 week 'viability' goal. I know there is no guarantee after that, but it makes me feel a little better to know that at least they would try to keep her alive. But for these next few days, she's just agonizingly short of that cut off.

I am still not convinced that she's going to be staying with us. It is really hard to plan for a future with her here. I was looking for a photo on my computer the other day when I noticed that none of the videos from our 20 week scan were showing up. Knowing I had deleted them from the USB prior to the last scan, I went into a total meltdown. I was convinced that these few precious videos and photos are the only evidence we will have that our baby girl ever existed and to think that they were gone was too much. Thankfully, it was my fuzzy brain causing the error, not the computer and the files were still there. Still, it shook me how strong those feelings of loss were.

Even as I am in the process of clearing out my office to convert to a nursery, I am still looking at is as decluttering, rather than preparing baby's room. Hubby has convinced me to take the leap and buy a bassinet this week as the one we like is on sale. The only way I am going to manage that is if I buy online, there is no way I can go into a baby store just yet, let alone on my own.

Everything else seems to be going well. My progesterone is still rising, my blood glucose levels are under control and my blood pressure is stable. Here's to making it to 24 weeks!

Talk to me!!

This PAL can be a lonely business.

I have been pretty much left alone since telling friends and family about our little one. With the exception of my mum and nan, and a couple of close friends, no one else even asks how I'm doing, how baby is... even usual pointless texts about random things found on the internet or overheard in the workplace have stopped.

I was having my weekly progesterone test the other day, and the lady who I see every week put into words exactly what I think it is. I have been seeing this lady at the same time every week for the last 12 weeks. She's heard all about how precious this little one is, and her siblings before her. She always worries when I'm late, and when she's away, she has asked people to leave a note to let her know if I have been in.

This week, I was unable to go due to a clash with my hospital appointment, so instead of having the test on the same day but at a completely different time, I had it the following day at the same time. She almost did a little dance when she saw me, and told me now worried she was when she saw that I hadn't been in the day before.

She then said that she would have liked to call or text me, but of course didn't have my number. Then she said that even if she did, she probably wouldn't have called in case something had happened and she would make it worse by calling.

On one hand I understand this. People are awkward around any type of pain, and we don't really know each other that well. On the other hand, I know from experience that there's really nothing anyone can say that will make things 'worse' and in fact being left alone leads to feeling that no one cares - that's a different feeling but just as isolating.

I don't know for sure, but I assume that's what's happening with my family and friends. No one wants to be the one to ask how things are going only to hear that something awful has happened. At the same time, no one wants to send a funny text or picture if they think I am not in the mood for it.

It is so frustrating, because I feel completely alone in this, and it makes me feel that this little girl isn't being celebrated by her family. Her aunties haven't asked anything about her, or me, or her dad. Her cousins aren't keeping in touch. People who I would usually hear from once or twice every week or so haven't been in touch for months.

I try to reach out, I text, I call and ask how things are going with them and I get one word answers and no questions about us. I try to tell without being asked and just get those same one word answers. I know it shouldn't bother me as much as it does, and things may change in the future, but right now I just feel so alone in all of this.

Why shouldn't this little girl be celebrated by her family just because her siblings before her were lost?

21 and 22 weeks

Things seem to be speeding up around here! I feel like I am back to appointments almost every other day and while it is so very good to know that everything is progressing well, it is so exhausting.

After my scan last week I had a bit of a break, although also had to go in to school to finalize things. I know there are a few people wondering why I am off so early, but the face that I feel so much more relaxed now is just amazing. And it has made SUCH an improvement to the pain in my leg! 

This week I saw the endochrinologist for a follow up on my GD and they have stopped my metformin. It was a bit of a struggle the first morning, wondering if it was going to hurt baby but she gave me a little kick which I took as a sign of reassurance. They said they needed to do this now as there is some evidence that it can cross the placenta and after 28 weeks this could cause problems for baby. I just have to keep a close eye on my blood glucose as the metformin was also acting to reduce this.

Everything else there is going ok. I am getting better at judging what and when to eat, although I have had a few nights where I just HAD to eat something late, especially when we stay up late to watch the football - it's hard to make it to 2am without something to sustain me!! It does make my morning numbers a bit higher, but still within range so I am not too worried yet.

I then had my hospital appointment which, all things considered, was the best one yet. I still had to wait for ages, but once I was in the doctor was lovely. She had a student who struggled with everything, couldn't take my blood pressure, couldn't measure baby, poked me WAY to hard when feeling for baby and then couldn't find baby's heartbeat with the doppler. I could feel her wiggling, so I knew she was ok, and I even told the student where I usually found the heartbeat at home. No luck!

The doctor found an ancient ultrasound machine, just to locate baby's heart (and bonus I got to see her wiggle again although the image was terrible!) as the machine was too old to even have sound. They still couldn't get the heartbeat, so I just asked if I could have a try - got it immediately and a nice little 152 popped up on the monitor. That's my girl :)

I was given pathology slips for rhesus anitbodies (I'll have an anti-D at 28 weeks all being well) and iron levels. I asked about Vitamin D and was told that they are no longer allowed to request this unless there is proven low Vitamin D (I wonder how they would know this without testing?). I showed her my previous result and she added it to the request right away! 

I also have slips for ultrasounds every 2 weeks, 26, 28 and 30 weeks for now. They said they'll keep on eye on baby and take things week by week. I then asked about delivery and this doctor was sure that my back would be no hurdle to 'natural' birth, even when I told her that when it goes off I can be bedridden for weeks, not ideal with new baby. So she's asked me to bring my xray and scans next time for review.

In the meantime, I have also found out that, given the overall picture, they feel it's best for me to stay at this hospital and not transfer. I guess I understand, I certainly wasn't as upset about it as I thought I might be. Talking about my experiences there the last pregnancy she felt I was showing signs of PTSD which I had thought about but not really acted on. She's referred me to a psych service within the maternity ward. 

Next week is already filling up with physio and follow up scan for baby to hopefully measure those tricky bits of her heart she wouldn't let us see last time. As well as my usual weekly progesterone level blood test. 

Now to tackle the house...

20 weeks!

We were so excited to finally get to see our baby girl again on Monday at 20w5d. Four weeks has been the longest time between scans but thankfully our doppler and her tiny kicks have been enough to assure us that she is doing ok.

I was doing really well with anxiety until we actually got in the car to drive to the scan. After all, I told hubby, this is often when couples find out that there is something developmentally wrong with their baby. Her heart and her brain were my two biggest worries, we already knew she had the right number of arms and legs!

We were lucky enough to go right in and I knew it would be a long scan right away as our little miss was wriggling like a mad thing. While this was a thrill for us to see, it made it super hard to get any measurements of the important parts. Between prodding with the ultrasound and having me change positions, then going out for a walk and 90 minutes later we had confirmation of everything except one measurement for her heart. The good news is, that means another scan in two weeks.

The only down side is this will be the first scan I have had this pregnancy that I have to go on my own. I know it's not logical, but I am terrified that this will mean something is wrong and I'll be on my own to try and cope with it. Trying not to think about it too much at this point, still two weeks away!

Hubby is still frustrated that he can't feel her moving yet, my placenta is making sure of that. There is such a narrow area of  'opportunity' but I have felt her much more strongly over the last couple of days, so I am hoping it isn't too much longer.

He's also started talking about preparing for her arrival. He told me that once we make it to 28 weeks he wants to start work on the nursery. A little scary for me, but he acknowledged that too. He's also decided that he doesn't want to decide her name until much closer. I'm definitely not sure about that! I said that I would prefer as soon as possible so I can start calling her by name. We then got distracted by thinking of names and didn't really come to a conclusion on that one!

I also, bravely, bought a little body suit. I managed it by telling myself that it wasn't for baby but for hubby, I wanted him to see how tiny she would be when she arrives. It worked a treat and he was amazed, holding it up over my bump.

I honestly have to say that since I have been able to feel her move more often, a lot of my anxiety has lessened. I am sure it will never go completely, but I am able to focus much more on the fact that she is here now, making her presence felt, than worrying about what might happen next.

Father's Day

I'm a little bit tired of hearing that acknowledging my husband, and other men who are living without their babies, puts a downer on the Father's Day celebrations of others.

Why is it ok for people to post about the fathers and grandfathers that they miss on this day, but it's not ok to acknowledge that there are men the world over missing spending this day with their precious children?

Once again, I am pregnant on Father's Day. The first time this happened, as I have posted about before, I didn't even acknowledge my husband as a father. I simply thought that you weren't a mother, or father, until you had a baby to hold. I know now how wrong my thinking was, for so many reasons.

This time, everything is so different. This baby is growing and kicking away inside and I can feel her get extra active when she hears her daddy's voice when he comes home from work. The way he is looking after both of us this time around just proves to me beyond any doubt that he is a father already, and that he is doing everything he can for his little girl.

He copes with Father's Day by not thinking about it, and as he is working today already told me when I asked how he was doing that he doesn't really want to talk about it until he gets home. Long ago that would have bothered me, but everything we have learned these past years reassures me that he can do whatever he needs to cope with this in any way he likes, even (especially) if it is not what I would do. We both grieve so differently.

And honestly, it is hard to celebrate, even with this little one here, knowing that our first baby could have been 16 months old and ready to spoil her daddy on this special day. It will always be this way for us on special days, there will always be little faces missing from our table, from our photos and from our memories.

So I am not sorry for acknowledging my husband as a father today. My heart aches for the hugs, kisses and memories that he has been denied. He is the best father our little ones could ever wish for.