Breaking point

There's a lot happening lately, and my mind isn't really in a place to be spelling out every little detail. I'm hoping that's going to change soon.

Following our early miscarriage, hubby and I visited the doctor together last Thursday night. She asked us some questions about what had been happening at home and work and then said something I hadn't expected to hear.

It is her belief that my stress levels are too high. She also said that although it is usually impossible to tell for sure, this is probably what contributed to our early loss. As she put it, when the body is stressed is shuts down all non-essential services.

She recommended that I take as much time off work as possible. Well, the first thing she told me to do was resign, but then we focused on the more realistic option! This was a big decision and one that hubby and I needed to really talk about. I had been saving all my personal and long service leave to add to maternity leave. When I mentioned this to the doctor she said straight out that if I didn't get myself sorted out that day might never come.

The way she put it was that we need to focus on our highest priority. If we want a baby, there's no time for messing around due to my age (although she always follows that with a reminder that her oldest new mum was 46). If I intend to take time out of teaching or only work part time after baby, then there is no sense in sacrificing so much now for a career that I'm not going to continue.

We went home and had a look at finances and my leave balances. I have over 11 weeks of long service saved and we can afford for me to take that on half pay, so... we did it. We made the decision that I will be off work for the rest of the year.

I'll write a bit more in the coming weeks about what I am hoping to do with myself during this time, but for now I have specialist appointments and follow ups, meetings with the mental health nurse and weekly acupuncture to worry about - as well as just getting used to being home alone all the time.

Hopes on hold

If you have been following my blog, you will know that last week I got my first BFP. You might have also read that I was concerned about the test lines getting lighter rather than darker and this indicated a possible chemical pregnancy.

Unfortunately our fears have been realised and our hopes for extending our little family are on hold.

I chose not to test on Saturday and just to the best to enjoy a day off with hubby. By then, AF was 3 days late and I started spotting. Only once or twice throughout the day, but enough to convince me that I had lost my little Pea. Sunday morning arrived with no further spotting, so I took the chance and poas again. Complete, total, BFN. I wondered if it could be a faulty test, but the simplest explanation is usually the correct one and that afternoon AF arrived with full force. In fact, I would go so far as to say she arrived with more vengeance than usual.

Hubby took one look at me when he arrived home and just knew. He said all the right things, again, about taking it more seriously, smoking less, taking his vitamins, giving it a real go when the time was right... and as comforting as that was, I have heard it all before. The one thing he did point out is that it proves we can get pregnant, which is a huge positive after 5 months trying. He also said he was a little sad, but he is a very cautious person and hadn't got his hopes too high in the first place.

I thought after a bit of a cry and a good night's sleep I would be good to go, but I was wrong. School started back Monday morning and I thought I would be ok, but the pain and the cramps were unlike anything I have ever had before. I can usually get through AF with nothing more than a heat pack, this time, not even the painkillers were helping. I had been to see my Assistant Principal first thing to tell her what had happened, just to ask to be excused from after school meetings this week. She said she didn't think I should be at school, I thought I would be ok. I had to go back 30 minutes later, just before the bell for the start of school, to tell her that she was right after all. 

I was lucky enough to get an appointment with my GP right away. She was very supportive and wrote me a referral to a gynecologist as soon as she saw our 6 months was up. That's a bit scary in itself. She also talked a bit about what else she thought we could do, but wanted me to come back on Thursday with hubby as planned to talk in more detail. She gave me 3 days off work, but said she would make it the week if I felt by Thursday that I needed it. I'm tempted.

At this stage, AF had been around for 3 days and is as strong as ever. This is unusual for me as I usually only have 1 day of truly heavy flow, with 2 or 3 medium and 1 or 2 days light at the end. The cramping is ridiculous and I'm just generally feeling like I have been hit by a bus. The doctor also mentioned that it would take a while for my hormones to settle down. 

So, we wait another month. And we keep hoping.

Symptom Spotting... again!

I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant. I have spent the last few days explaining away all of my symptoms, but here they are:

*Breathlessness - all the time, but I have asthma and it's cold outside
*Peeing a LOT - but I'm on holiday and don't have to hold it in for hours like I do at school
*Headache - there's a lot of stress in the family right now and I have had a headache for about a week (it actually hurts to touch my right eyebrow..)
*Gassy - mostly burping, but then I have been drinking a lot of sparkling water (may also contribute to the peeing!)
*Nausea - this could be from the worry about what's happening to my body, along with the family stress
*Tender breasts - normal symptom of PMS, too.
*Fatigue - SO tired, but I'm on holidays, I think I'm just being lazy. Having said that, have been asleep on the couch by 5 every night, and struggling to stay awake by about 9 - we usually sleep just after midnight

If a line on a hpt, no matter how light, means pregnant, then these symptoms aren't just my imagination. My only worry is that the lighter test results might indicate a chemical pregnancy. If so, these could be just the symptoms of the impending arrival of AF.

I guess only time (and lots more poas!) will tell =]

Could it be?

Still not 100% sure where we are at, but if conventional wisdom is anything to go by, a line is a line no matter how light which means - I'm pregnant!

Unfortunately, it might not be that straightforward.

So far I have 6 tests sitting in my little box. The darkest by far is from Wednesday, when I think I was 13dpo (possibly 11).

I have since tested again yesterday, the day AF was due, and again this afternoon - pretty much the same. No darker, perhaps a little lighter.

In the middle of that, I tested first thing this morning and got NOTHING. Well, that was my first thought. There may be a line there, but it is super light.

I have spend the morning reading forum posts from ladies asking the same things as me, 'Is it possible to get a BFN even when pregnant?' 'What does it mean if my hpts are getting lighter?' and so on.

My big fear at the moment is a chemical pregnancy.

There is lots of really helpful information out there about the sensitivity, validity, reliability, etc of hpts. The sensible thought seems to be that once you see a line, go to the doc for bloods and STOP testing! Due to a whole lot of reasons, tests can vary in their sensitivity. It's even possible to use the same urine and get 3 different results from the same box of tests. I honestly hadn't thought of it that way before.

When the box says, 70% effective from 4 days before missed period, I kind of assumed that if it picked you up that early, then ANY test would. But of course, the reliability of one test isn't based on the result of another. So it is possible to test negative, or have a lighter line, due only to the differences between each test. And then you have time of day, food and drink consumed, and all the rest than can effect the results.

I have also seen a few times that SMU can provide a better result than FMU. Given that I am peeing like crazy at the moment (you can see another post about my current symptoms here) I had been either testing at 5 or 6 in the morning, or lying in bed sleeplessly trying to hold on until a reasonable hour! I think I'll be testing again tomorrow with SMU!

So where do we go from here? Well, we are approaching this as if we are (still) pregnant. I have booked in for the doc next Thursday as hubby really wanted to come with me. By then, I'll be a week late and if AF hasn't arrived, we can go from there. If AF has arrived, I'll be grateful of the chance to discuss all this with my doctor.

Wish us luck! =]

I'm Waiting!

It seems to be my life at the moment, and I am sure anyone caught up in the TTC process can relate!

A strange thing happened this morning. After deciding that I wouldn't poas as AF is only 2 days away and I am pretty certain we are out for this month (having only dtd once, the day before ovulation) I gave in a did anyway... and saw something I have never seen before. A thin, white/shiny line where the test line should be. It came up almost immediately, even before the control line was fully developed. A quick google wasn't much help. There were two main thoughts, one that it was a faulty test, but second was from women who had this result, then tested the next day and had a BFP.

I went out and bought another box of frers, but REALLY wanted to hold off until tomorrow. I'm nothing if not impulsive so I tried again. No shiny line, but I SWEAR there is an almost imperceptibly faint second line. I've poas quite a few times and have never had this experience before. It's always been an obvious BFN.

So now I am waiting, oh so patiently, for tomorrow to come so I can test again! Don't know if it is helping (I know it isn't!) but I have been talking to my tummy all morning, just praying, 'Hang on, little one!'

**If you haven't seen the Princess Bride, please do!

The Fertility "Myth"

It seems when you are trying to conceive that it comes naturally to everyone else, just not to you.

Everywhere you turn, friends, relatives and total strangers are announcing a pregnancy and you struggle along as you find a way to show your genuine happiness for the other person, while at the same time nursing the hurt of another fruitless cycle.

The supposed ease of getting pregnant is reinforced everywhere. We are taught in school that all it takes is just one time. We see movies and TV programs where a one night stand leads to pregnancy. We hear people saying 'We weren't even trying' or 'We got lucky first try.' I've known women who utter these phrases with a huge sense of pride and a smug grin as though somehow their apparent ability to fall pregnant with ease some how makes them a better person, or a better woman.

My own mother has been telling me for as long as I can remember to be sure to use protection because 'If you are anything like me, all he'll have to do is look at you.'

Experience tells me that this is not always the case. There are message boards full of women of all ages struggling to fall pregnant, and some going to extraordinary lengths to have that precious child to hold. These are the women who are made to feel that there must be something wrong with them or it would be as easy as everyone else says it is. I know there are medical and other circumstances that do make TTC more difficult for some couples than others, but that's not what I am talking about. I'm talking about the myth that you should be able to fall pregnant in the blink of an eye and the women who perpetuate this myth, even when it isn't true.

I was recently told that my parents actually tried for a long time before I came along. I have no idea why my own mother would tell me it was easy for her. I haven't told her that we are trying, but if and when we are successful, I'll be asking her. What is there to gain from telling your daughters that pregnancy was easy for you when it clearly wasn't?

I hope that if and when I do see those two magic lines, that when it comes to telling people, when the questions come about if we had planned this or not, that I will be able to say honestly that yes, this baby has been planned for, longed for and not fall into the trap of perpetuating this myth myself.