Capture Your Grief: Day 30, Reflection

The prompt for today says:

Take today to reflect on this past month. What is your relationship with grief like right now? Is it still the same? Has anything changed? What have you learned about yourself and your grief? Did you love anything about this project? What did you find difficult?

I've struggled to think for a way to make coherent sense of the multitude of fragments in my mind as I look at this prompt. I think it is beyond me at the moment, so here's just a few of the 'tabs' open in my brain at the moment.

I hate that I feel like this. I hate that this has had such an impact on my husband. People often talk about all they have learned from their experiences with baby loss and although that may be true, a part of me still wishes it had never happened. Maybe this is because we never actually got to meet or hold any of our babies. Maybe this is because the only time anyone has ever called my husband 'dad' is the ultrasound tech whose next words were, "There's no heartbeat."

Some days are better than others, and it is a vicious cycle. Literally, as it is pretty much tied to my cycle. When AF arrives we go through the feelings of failure all over again. When my fertile window approaches I get unreasonably optimistic that maybe this time things will be different. During the TWW I curse myself for even daring to believe that I'll ever have a child to hold in my arms... and then it repeats.

I feel completely overwhelmed most of the time. Things that maybe in the past would have thrown me for an hour or two now seem to blow me off course for weeks. There have been plenty of big things happening too and that just makes it harder. And then I wonder if the toll this is all taking physically and emotionally is contributing to it all. In August, my grandfather passed away. That's both my grandfathers in one year, although I didn't really know one of them at all. Then a few short weeks later in September was the anniversary of our second miscarriage. This is always the toughest one for me, as following the first I had assumed it couldn't possibly happen again and that everything would be fine. Then October and not only a whole month dedicated to trying to process our losses,  but also the one year anniversary of my father-in-law's passing. It still breaks my heart that no one on my side of the family even acknowledged this day. Not even a "thinking of you" type message. Nothing. It's also now 6 months since the last time I was pregnant and so that brings the prospect of going back to the FS for more tests and whatever news that may bring. And that's to say nothing of changes at my work, at hubby's work and the whole stress of house hunting.

One of the most difficult things about this month of reflecting on our losses has been the three lovely ladies at my work all expecting their first babies at the end of this year, and seeing them everyday. I saw them each individually to pass on my wishes and give little gifts that I had made for them, and explained that I wouldn't be at the combined baby shower the following day. They were much more understanding than the rest of the staff. They all finish work today so I will be interested to see how this changes things over the remainder of the year.

  

There are many more thoughts running through my mind, but at the moment, its too much. Here's hoping tomorrow is a brighter day.

And now for something completely different...

I am sitting here trying not to think about being pregnant. I am officially 1 day late, which never happens, and the line on the HPT was probably an evap as I accidentally fell back to sleep (I can barely hold my pee for longer than 2 hours, so I took it when I got up in the middle of the night). It was so super faint that it probably wasn't even there. But... I have no AF symptoms, and lots of EPS and I am just willing myself to believe that it is just the metformin messing up my cycle.

But all this not thinking reminded me of a little incident when out shopping with hubby on the weekend and I thought I would share. We were on our way home and he asked if we needed to do anything else, so I said, "We could stop at the supermarket for an HPT." He gave me a blank look, "What?" So I said, "We could stop and buy an HPT so I can POAS to see if we have a BPF and I can forget about this TWW." He looked totally confused, so I explained, he nodded and then said, "How do you remember all that so quickly?" Quickly? I've been living in this world for months!

Scared, and that's all there is to it

I have been meaning to post for the last week or so, but life gets in the way.

First, I was going to post about our experience at the early miscarriage clinic and what the specialist plans to do for us.

Then I was going to post about being the crazy TTC lady who finds herself squeezing her boobs to see if they are really sore or not as she the end of the TWW.

Now, instead, I am posting about our latest BFP. This one is so new that even hubby doesn't know, as he's due home from work within the hour. All I have done is stare at the test, cry, make a doctors appointment for Wednesday, and go back to staring and crying.

Anyone who has been following our story probably knows that the reason I am scared is due to the prospect of another miscarriage. Although the specialist told us exactly what their plan for us is if I was to fall pregnant again, I haven't done any of the tests he recommended (I am booked in for a 3D uterus ultrasound next week) and so I feel that whatever has caused the last losses is still there, therefore I will probably lose this pregnancy too.

I should be happy, and I envy every woman who has ever gazed at those two pink lines and felt nothing but joy. Instead, I am scared. I'm even dreading telling hubby because I don't want him to feel the way I am feeling now.

I have a day to wait before I can get in to see the doctor. I have a day of stressing and waiting for the cramps that signal the arrival of AF. After that, who knows what will happen?

What to do when you don't know what to do

I haven't updated for a while but it's Sunday and I'm home alone so now seems as good a time as any!

Things have been pretty rough. Passing the 12 month mark has really kicked us around and add to the mix another early loss. The week before, I had visited my GP for the first time since she confirmed my pregnancy in September last year. I saw her look at the notes regarding my miscarriage on the screen and she said nothing. Strike one. I was seeing her regarding a hard to shift chest cold/cough that I have had since the beginning of the year and all she recommended was wait and see if it goes away. Strike two. I also mentioned that I was finding it difficult to lose the weight that I had put on following my miscarriage and that returning to work had made things trickier, her advice was to quit my job. Strike three.

Really, we have been talking about changing doctors for a while. The only thing tying me to this doctor was the fact that it is super close to work meaning I can go before or after school, and that she knows my history of the last 10 years or so meaning I don't have to go over it all again. But neither of us were really impressed with her seeming lack of empathy or advice for our situation. Even when I mentioned that it was 6 months since the miscarriage and that maybe it was time for further investigation, she told me not to worry for another 6 months.

So when I lost another pregnancy the following week we decided it was time to take the plunge and see a new doctor. Couldn't be happier with the result! The new doctor took one glance at our history and sent us off for a whole lot of tests right away. She thinks that the fact I fall pregnant seemingly easily is quite encouraging and that many of the causes of recurrent early loss are relatively easy to treat. That was new to us. She was also encouraged that my cycle is pretty much like clockwork and that this was another positive sign. She also suggested karyotype tests for both of us to rule out chromosomal problems, something that we had never been told of before. All in all, I had 8 phials of blood drawn! It was supposed to be 12, but the nurse rang her lab to check that she could double up on a few of them. We are still waiting for the results as the karyotype takes a couple of weeks, but we both have a bit more optimism knowing that SOMETHING is being done!

We have also just passed our fertile window for this month and the change in hubby since coming off anti-depressants has continued. We managed the 2 days before ovulation, O day, and 2 days after, same as the last successful cycle. We shall see.

Life goes ever on

Sometimes I wish it could just slow down for a bit!

Being back to full time work is proving more of a drain than expected. Not just on my energy reserves, but on having any time to do anything else. This is not where I want to be. I want to be able to spend time with hubby on his days off. I want to be able to spend time in my workshop and not feel guilty about it! My doctor advised me again today to quit...

I'm also starting to worry about what impact this may have on TTC. I am 7dpo today and we gave it a really good go this month. Hubby decided, without even talking to me about it, to stop taking his anti depressants. His drive, while never that high to begin with, has at least turned up again and he was the one asking which days were going to be the best for us to try. I still had to do the initiating when it came to it, but after the last 5 months, it was a huge turn around.

I know that people do worse things than go to school every day and still manage to fall pregnant, I just wonder, given my history, if I should be doing ANYTHING that has the potential to make this harder than it already is. I also know that I am thinking about it more now because of this darned TWW!

I have had pulling, crampy pains in my lower abdomen on the left side just like I did when I fell pregnant in early September. I keep telling myself that it's just coincidence, anything could be going on down there, but it's a hard thought to shake.

I suppose, once again, only time will tell.

S.M.E.P. - Take one! Action!

After everything that has happened the last 12 months, I decided that something had to change. When I looked back over my apps, it was clear that there had only been 4 months in that time that we technically tried at the right time. The first few months were hit and miss while I came came off Implanon and wondered what my cycle would do. The next saw the pressure starting to build for hubby and just not being able to dtd at the right time. Then the first early loss (I'm trying to avoid using the term Chemical Pregnancy ever again) then a missed chance, then the miscarriage, then not trying... A woman on one of the forums wrote that her husband tried to console her by saying that they hadn't really been trying, that's how I feel. All this time has passed, but we've never got it right.

After reading and hearing all about the SMEP I decided to look into it. I've pretty much worked out that I usually get a positive opk on cd16, so the plan was to dtd on cd10, cd12, cd14, cd16/17 and then cd19. That's heaps for us. In fact, if we stuck to that it would be more in 9 days than in the whole time since the miscarriage. I was sceptical, so I asked hubby what he thought. He assured me that it had reached the point where he would do whatever it takes, although he did also admit some worry that we could 'do all that' and it still wouldn't work, so what was the point? I was still sceptical.

We managed cd10, 12 and 14. CD16 I was refused in favour of late night football, with assurances of a 'double shot' on cd17 (yeah, right!), and cd17 saw us make a start, but not finish in the end. Only the second time that has happened. I tried to play it off, but hubby is feeling so guilty about it. So much so that the back up day on cd19 was totally out of the question.

The other part of this plan is the Robitussin. I did a lot of reading about this before starting as I am really trying to limit the number of drugs in my system after being on heavy duty pain killers for 18 months prior to TTC. The active ingredient works on all mucus membranes in the body, therefore "loosening" CM as well. This can only be a good thing, right?! Unfortunately, it doesn't actually help you create more CM, that comes down entirely to how well hydrated you are and the effects of any other drugs in your system, such as Clomid. So here's the thing. To take OPKs, especially twice a day as recommended. you have to limit your intake of liquid. But to have great CM, you need to maintain/increase your intake. I am sure people can not drink much for 8 hours a day (assuming a four hour hold each test) and still get in their 2litres, but it makes more sense to me to stay hydrated throughout the day to keep the process running! Also, a couple of 35 degree plus days meant that there was no way I was not drinking anything for that long!

So, I took the Robitussin and I drank lots and I noticed a big difference in the amount of CM. So that's one positive.

I really feel our timing was all wrong again but am holding on to a sliver of hope because our cd14 effort was very late at night, technically almost cd15. There's a chance some of those little swimmers hung around long enough for one of them to meet that egg. But I am not testing. Hubby has the day off the day after AF is due, so if she's a no show then we might go out and buy a test. For now I am 3dpo and we just wait. Again.

A Million places all at once

That's where my mind is.

You would think that launching my new online store this week would have been enough to keep my mind off our latest TWW, that was part of the plan afterall. Truthfully, it does work of a lot of the time but it seems like my brain then tries to make up for the lost time by cramming all the worries into one short time!

I am currently 12dpo and at this stage would be expecting a positive if I was to test. So I did. Only problem is, I think the test was broken (not just because I got a BFN!). As I opened it, it was stuck to the moisture pack and tore a little. I was also torn in the actual test section of the strip.

In truth, I only tested because I had it there. Otherwise I am more than happy to wait for the predicted arrival of AF on Wednesday. I would have liked to think we had a shot this month, everyone keeps telling me that right after a miscarriage is when you're at your most fertile, but we only managed to dtd once, the day I got my positive OPK and it was a little awkward being the first time since the miscarriage... so my hopes really aren't that high. Having said that...

It's hard not to get my hopes up. This baby would mean more to us now than ever, after all the other things that have been happening in our families lately. It would just give us something peaceful and something positive to focus on. Instead, all we have is the void left by the loss of our last baby.

I am determined to wait this one out. I don't want to know about any possible chemical pregnancies or anything like that. I'll wait till Wednesday and if AF doesn't seem to be on her way I'll wait till Thursday when hubby is home from work to test again.

Waiting, waiting...

OPKs

This is my second cycle using OPKs. The girls on the EB TTC#1 forum were super helpful with all my questions last time. I was wondering about how long I should be 'holding it in' the other day, as my bladder was screaming for release so decided to test my Dr Google theory. it wasn't good. The results ranged from 4 hours to 2 hours to don't hold it and just test whenever you need to pee. So I decided to investigate a little further - when was the best time to test?
 - My Dr says use FMU because hormones are most concentrated
 - My Dr says never use FMU because LH (the hormone measured by OPKs) is only synthesised in the day
 - Before 12 pm
 - Before 4 pm
 - Between 8 and 10pm
By far the best answer was, test when the instructions on the pack tell you to. Only problem is with buying all these cheapies off the internet, they don't always come with instructions.

I also found out thanks to the EB girls that it is possible to miss the LH surge and therefore never get a true positive. Last month I got a pretty clear positive result on CD 16, this time, not so much. For interests sake, here are my OPKs from this cycle.

From this it's clear that I never got a true positive. It's also clear that this photo is of old tests and that you're not supposed to count the results after 10 minutes. However, I would assume that CD17 shows the strongest result, very closely followed by CD18. I'm happy, for my own purposes, to count CD17 as my positive. I haven't had any tests yet to confirm that I actually ovulate and I am not prepared to start testing more than once a day as I have seen recommended by some.

With this in mind, I tried a different tack with hubby this cycle. I didn't tell him a thing. I was counting on my positive being CD16 as I think is usual for me, and we dtd on CD13 and CD16. When I saw my OPKs, I mentioned to hubby that I wasn't going to tell him anything more than to make a choice - we dtd either Saturday, Sunday or Monday, which I knew would be CD17-19. I wasn't going to say anything else, I wasn't going to pressure him. I'd already asked him to be more proactive in the whole dtd business, baby making aside.

So it got to last night and nothing. I was super calm, I had expected this. I just asked to remind him of two things, he said he'd make more of an effort, and he'd promised one of those three days. To which he said, "Tomorrow then." I said yes, for sure (I'm not passing up an opportunity!) but reminded him that I had told him those days for a reason. He told me that he didn't think it made a difference and that there was always a chance no matter what the timing! We then had to have a quick refresher on the whole Great Sperm Race and what happens to the egg after ovulation.

I'm pretty sure that tonight will be a no-go anyway, and either way I think its too late to catch the egg this cycle. But looking back I think that we got a couple in on time, so maybe some of those little buggers have worked their magic. I guess only time will tell.

TTC in the age of (mis)information

The whole process of trying to conceive, for those of us who have to plan and monitor our bodily functions in the hope of catching that elusive egg, is full of questions, doubts, and mysteries.

It should be that having access to more information about how our bodies work and how conception occurs should make the process easier, and perhaps in some ways it does. In other ways, all the information so readily available at our fingertips seems to do nothing more than fuel the TTC craziness.

When I last posted I was 12 dpo. I had tested earlier in the day and got a bfn. Right, I thought, only two days till AF is due, I can wait it out. The following day, having had a slight bit of spotting, I tested again. Another bfn. Now, at this point, I KNEW we were out for this month. Sitting alone in the house a few hours later I pulled out my phone and searched "BFP after BFN at 13dpo" What SHOULD have come up is a matter of fact explanation that, at this point, most tests would pick up a pregnancy and most women get reliable results from these tests. What did come up was far different.

I saw board after board, page after page, full of women asking the same question and reading about other women who got their BFP at 14, 15 or 16 dpo. Women who never got a positive home pregnancy test no matter how far along they were when they tested, etc.

Then I searched about spotting at 13dpo and if it could be implantation bleeding. Same thing.

It really is disheartening. What I was looking for was confirmation of my gut instinct. What I found instead was false hope.

Will it stop me searching in the future? Not a chance. I know there is valuable and reliable information out there. Will I steer away from certain pages and message boards? I can guarantee it!

I'd love to hear from others who have had the same struggle with information overload. Do you have a story to share?

When all you do is wait

It's always funny how time seems to drag by so slowly day to day, but when you look back you realise that weeks or months have passed by almost in an instant. At least, that's how it seems to me a lot of the time.

As I sit here nervously awaiting the arrival of AF, I can't believe that it's been almost a month since my chemical pregnancy. In the days and weeks that have passed since then I have tests, appointments, reviews, more appointments... and days of doing absolutely nothing at all. There have been days that hubby has come home and asked what I have been up to, and I have genuinely not been able to think of a single thing that I did - not even sitting in front of the television! Other days, I have been so full of nervous energy that I have cleaned every room in the house three times over, cooked more food than we could ever eat and been our of the house two or three times.

Right now I am having one of the nervous energy days. I am currently 12 dpo (or possibly 11) - this time last month I got my first BFP. I was scared to test this morning, but I did anyway. Pretty sure it's negative, but there's something almost there that keeps catching my eye. So I am doing just about everything I can think of to keep busy to avoid thinking about it.

I keep telling myself how silly this all is and that I should just wait 3 more days for the arrival of AF, but at the same time, I just want to know.

I am not usually one for over analysing every little sign or symptom, but I feel almost the same this month as I did last, two unusual symptoms that I have not had before are feeling the need to pee even after I have just been to the toilet and an incredible headache. The headache is outstanding in the fact that it has lasted for four days and does not go away at all. It's also localised to one side of my head making it even sensitive to touch. I never get headaches like this, and never for this long.

So, as usual with this whole TTC saga, I'm waiting. I know there are many more women and couples out there waiting right along with me, but it feels like such a lonely time.

I'm Waiting!

It seems to be my life at the moment, and I am sure anyone caught up in the TTC process can relate!

A strange thing happened this morning. After deciding that I wouldn't poas as AF is only 2 days away and I am pretty certain we are out for this month (having only dtd once, the day before ovulation) I gave in a did anyway... and saw something I have never seen before. A thin, white/shiny line where the test line should be. It came up almost immediately, even before the control line was fully developed. A quick google wasn't much help. There were two main thoughts, one that it was a faulty test, but second was from women who had this result, then tested the next day and had a BFP.

I went out and bought another box of frers, but REALLY wanted to hold off until tomorrow. I'm nothing if not impulsive so I tried again. No shiny line, but I SWEAR there is an almost imperceptibly faint second line. I've poas quite a few times and have never had this experience before. It's always been an obvious BFN.

So now I am waiting, oh so patiently, for tomorrow to come so I can test again! Don't know if it is helping (I know it isn't!) but I have been talking to my tummy all morning, just praying, 'Hang on, little one!'

**If you haven't seen the Princess Bride, please do!

When is a negative not a negative?

Theoretically, my TWW has ended. In reality, I'm still waiting for either a positive test, or for my period to arrive. At this point, I'll take either!

I have also changed my view on home testing. I started testing on Wednesday, thinking that I would like to know early and got a negative. Didn't worry me too much at the time as I thought it would be too early anyway. Tested again on Friday, 12DPO, negative. That put me into a bit of a funk. I spent most of the day at work googling how HPTs work and what is considered 'normal' for HcG levels in early pregnancy. I also ate a ridiculous number of carbs, not only as comfort food, but to help with nausea. Saturday I spent trying not to think about testing the following day, or the impending arrival of AF. This morning I tested again, another negative. I have one test left that I will probably use, next Friday, but after that, I'm done.

There is something to be said for waiting to find out. Ignorance is bliss? I don't know what it is, but I really could have done without the stress of the last couple of days. For me, it seems that just waiting to find out if/when AF arrives is going to be the best way to cope. I have resolved not to buy another HPT until I have missed my period. Hopefully I can stick to it!

So, what do I know? I know that my tests are negative, and that AF is not on the scene. I also know from my research that HPTs rely on average levels HcG of about 25 to give a positive result (with some variation) and that this is the 'average' level about 2 days before your period is due, if you are pregnant. Further reading has shown me that a level of 18 is within the 'normal' range up to the fifth week of pregnancy. Very low, the high end of the fifth week range is in the thousands, but still, it's there.

So what does that mean for me? I guess it means that it's still possible that I am pregnant, and then all my crazy symptoms of the last two weeks will make sense. It could also mean that I am not, and AF is due any day. It could also mean that my body is still adjusting to coming off BC and that is what is causing the symptoms. Right now, it also means that my wait continues...

More Onesie Designs

Trying to keep myself occupied for a couple more days before testing, here are a few more of the designs I've been working on.

I think the little puppy is adorable. I also have a feeling that this won't be the last Lord of the Rings inspired baby item that I make!

Keeping Busy in the TWW

Seems like an almost impossible task, right?!

I am lucky that I have a fairly demanding job, lots of planning and preparation and then a room full of students to keep me occupied for most of the day. It's the nights and weekends that get me. I have been doing a bit of reading, a bit of crafting but honestly, I have felt so bad that I haven't really been up to doing anything. That means that I sit and think. As I was aimlessly browsing, trying NOT to google every symptom I am feeling, I found a great list of "14 things to do when 14 days seem like forever" on the BabyBelly.com.au site.

In shorthand, here are the ideas:
1. Take a walk
2. Clean out ready for maternity wear
3. Start a journal
4. Plant a hope garden
5. Get better at photography
6. Make an appeal to your reproductive system!
7. Paint your toenails
8. Make a cup of herbal tea
9. Swim laps
10.Make lists
11. Create a fertility dance
12. Prepare a folic acid feast
13. Delegate the burden of the TWW to friends and family
14. Make a list of 14 things to do in the TWW

So I took the last one to heart, and here is what I came up with:
1. Cooking dinner for the week ahead
2. Clean out the spare room
3. Sort the bookshelf
4. Check Pinterest for great newborn photography ideas
5. Herbal tea - peppermint
6. Make lists of names, especially girls names as we can't think of many!
7. Make a list of who to tell and when
8. Draw up the pattern for the ring toy I want to make
9. Sketch some ideas for nursery decor (I LOVE drawing)
10. Read that book my sister gave me for Christmas, can't even remember what it is called, but it's big!
11. Plan the type of pregnancy/baby diary I want to keep, check Pinterest for ideas!
12. Plan all my lessons until the end of term, it's only two weeks away
13. Ring mum and nan for a catch up
14. Plan how I will tell hubby if I get a BFP!

So that's it, this is the list I am working through this week trying to keep my mind of how sick I am feeling and definitely NOT thinking about the TWW.  Here's hoping it works!

What do you do, or try to do, to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied during the TWW?

Early Pregnancy Symptoms before Implantation

I have been doing a lot of reading this weekend. I had thought, on my limited medical knowledge, that there would be no way for a woman to feel any pregnancy symptoms before implantation. I thought that this was when the baby and mother started interacting, and therefore the first time for hormones to have any impact on the mother.

Then I spent the last week feeling awful.

I have had bloating, cramps and nausea every day for the last week. I have been extremely tired, to the point where I have been in bed very early the last 3 nights and actually slept for 16 hours yesterday. I have been short of breath and using my asthma puffer regularly during the day, not something I normally have to do. I developed an allergic reaction to my wedding ring and I totally lost interest in sex. The last 3 days I have had terrible headaches and an awful taste in my mouth. So I took a HPT, thinking that surely if I was feeling all this I must be pregnant.

BFN.

So I started researching. I looked for the type of EPS that women reported at 3 and 4 weeks. I looked up if it is even possible to have symptoms before implantation and although the replies from some forum members seem to be a loud "NO!" the research I saw said that maybe it isn't so crazy.

HCG, the hormone associated with the symptoms of pregnancy, isn't the only hormone that can cause these symptoms. The other culprit is progesterone. This starts to build from the moment of ovulation and some of the articles I ready suggested that this hormone increases once conception or fertilisation occurs. I also read that there are some women who are more susceptible to these types of changes in their hormone levels.

Theoretically, it is possible that I am pregnant and that would explain the terrible way I have been feeling. But because this is our first try, because I have been on BC for a few years and not ovulating, there is another theory I am starting to think is more likely.

If progesterone is only released after ovulation, and I haven't been ovulating while on BC, then it could just be that my body is not used to having this hormone in my system and I am reacting to it. The other problem is that although I am off BC I don't know when or even if I am ovulating. I think I know, based on pains and twinges I felt just over a week ago, but I don't know for sure.

So I don't really know what that BFN means. Am I pregnant but it is too early to test? Or is it a genuine BFN and I should expect a visit from dear old AF any day now?

I suppose only time will tell. The TWW continues!

Symptom Spotting

This TWW business is crazy!  I'm so overly aware of every niggle and twinge, wondering if it could mean that there's a baby on the way.  Here's my list so far, almost half way (I think) in to my TWW:

*Nausea, every day since Sunday. This is what first got me thinking but I feel like that's way too early
*Bloating
*Cramps, nothing bad, just dull and constant
*Fatigue
*Headaches
*Allergic reaction to my wedding ring, my mum used to say this happened to her while pregnant.

I think that's it! So many of these can be explained away, especially the tiredness and headache, it's coming up to the end of term after all.

AF  is due end of next week, here's hoping she stays away!

Our First Ever Two Week Wait!

If (and it's a big 'if') my cycle has stayed the same after coming off birth control,  we are just starting our first TWW. Crazy!

I have decided to take things easy this first month, no temping or checking CM, just making time to DTD every 2-3 days and we'll see what happens.  Possibly naive,  but I think this is best for us.

 I'm lucky to be fluctuating between forgetting about it altogether and then remembering and realising that I can't know yet, so I just go back to whatever I was doing.  I'm sure that will change as the days count down!

For now, Pinterest is keeping me occupied,  I gave 4 secret baby boards on the go. I'll share some of my favorite pins in another post.

11 days to go...

A Two Week Wait of a different kind

Spend even a short amount of time on any pregnancy/conception forums and you will see women talking about the dreaded TWW, the 'Two Week Wait.' It's that difficult time between ovulation and the expected arrival of your period, wondering if this month will be the month, that you're finally pregnant.

I am in the middle of a two week wait of a different kind, but it's giving me a taste of what is to come. I have two weeks to go until my birth control implant is removed and the wait is driving me crazy! I even called up the surgery to see if they could move my appointment forward a week, but unfortunately (fortunately?) my doctor is away. The last two weeks have dragged by SO SLOWLY, I don't even want to think about how the next two are going to go.

I suppose it's that nagging feeling that everything is going to take longer than expected, and I feel like I am wasting precious time! These two weeks now feel like they could make all the difference in the world. Hubby was all for me having it removed early and seemed a little bummed when I told him it wouldn't be possible after all. Ever the optimist, he ended with, "Oh well, gives you time to lose a little more weight, hey?" True, but not exactly what I wanted to hear at the time.

I'm dreaming about babies. I dream that I am carrying one, that I have had one, that I have lost one... just about every possibility my dreaming mind can imagine. I'm busy reading books, forums, making lists, cleaning out the spare room, not to mention work which is crazy at this time of year. But the thought of baby is always there in the back of my mind.

So I am learning patience.

"Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but now, but that is just temporary"