Fifth time's the charm?

Yes, after almost 10 months of failure and heartbreak, I am pregnant again! That's one of the reasons it's been a little quiet on the blog lately, the other is everything that goes with buying and moving in to a new house (more on that another time).

I probably should have seen this one coming, but I really didn't. Everything had been going so well, I was enjoying our new little village and walking down to the shops or post office each day, then suddenly, I had zero energy. Even the thought of walking 5 minutes made me feel tired! I just put it down to being run down as I also had a bit of a stuffy nose and a cold sore. Why did I not see this as a huge red flag?! The last time I had a cold sore I was pregnant!

A few days later, the three ladies from school who all had their babies at the end of last year came to visit. It was pretty hard, but I said my hellos and went back to my office for a bit of a cry. I was texting hubby about it and he asked, "Have you checked yourself?" I realised that I was a couple of days late, but just thought it was the metformin messing me around again.

I couldn't get his words out of my head and when I got home, I tested and was greeted with that lovely sight above, Pregant 1-2! I have to be completely honest and say that my first reaction was one of absolute terror. I find it so hard to imagine having a healthy pregnancy and knowing that there is really not all that much I can do about it. I was a nervous ball of energy for the next 30 minutes it took hubby to get home and share the news.

One of the possibilities my specialist wanted to rule out was low progesterone, so I went and had a hcg and serum progesterone test. Then I had to wait for the results. Every pain or pressure felt a thousand times worse and I was sure it was cramps on their way, but so far nothing. No cramping, no spotting, just incredibly sore breasts and nipples, nausea all day and very little appetite.

My progesterone was 55, which I have been told is really high (then I worry about if there is such a thing as too high?) and my hcg at 5w4d was 937. That is the highest number I have ever seen, even though I know it is not particularly high.

Today, at 5w6d my hcg is 1530. Not quite doubled in 48 hrs (tracking more like 60) but once numbers are over 1200 apparently between 72 and 96 hours is normal and as long as they are going up it's good.

We have our first scan next week, at 6w4d. I still break out in a cold sweat thinking of not hearing a heartbeat, etc but trying to be positive. I also guess we'll find out a due date and if my dates are a little out due to late ovulation and I'm not quite as far along as I think.

If I can make it to the scan, it'll be the longest any of my babies has stayed with me. That IS something to look forward to.

And now for something completely different...

I am sitting here trying not to think about being pregnant. I am officially 1 day late, which never happens, and the line on the HPT was probably an evap as I accidentally fell back to sleep (I can barely hold my pee for longer than 2 hours, so I took it when I got up in the middle of the night). It was so super faint that it probably wasn't even there. But... I have no AF symptoms, and lots of EPS and I am just willing myself to believe that it is just the metformin messing up my cycle.

But all this not thinking reminded me of a little incident when out shopping with hubby on the weekend and I thought I would share. We were on our way home and he asked if we needed to do anything else, so I said, "We could stop at the supermarket for an HPT." He gave me a blank look, "What?" So I said, "We could stop and buy an HPT so I can POAS to see if we have a BPF and I can forget about this TWW." He looked totally confused, so I explained, he nodded and then said, "How do you remember all that so quickly?" Quickly? I've been living in this world for months!

Pregnancy announcements (where's the nearest hole, so I may hide?)

I had a feeling my team leader was pregnant, something about the absences and the explanations she gave to others. And the little wink to me after she told someone she wasn't eating properly.

She confirmed this a couple of weeks later, saying she wanted to tell me in private before any announcement was made at work. She's been so good in that regard, and I thanked her. We had a hug, a cry, swapped early pregnancy stories and then that was it. I said I wouldn't ask her anything, but I was happy for her to talk with me if she needed to.

I also had a feeling the other teacher was pregnant. I can't say exactly why, although I did see a hushed conversation between the two of them which may have tipped me off. Turns out they are due 2 days apart.

There's also another teacher I feel sure is pregnant. She's eating differently, has been away a couple of days recently and, more to the point, has been avoiding me like the plague. Which is odd as she is my closest friend at work. So it's either that she doesn't want to tell me something she fears will upset me, or she's doing that thing of avoiding the lady who loses all her babies in case the bad luck rubs off on her. Either way, this one is probably the most hurtful. She didn't even come to ask me how I was feeling after the others announced their pregnancies at a school function and I was visibly upset  (which I hated, but I'm getting used to!) I think that is my biggest clue so far. We'll see.

The day they announced was horrendous. I knew it was coming as my team leader warned me. She said they'd try to do it at a break time so I could slip away for a moment. The whole teaching team would be at an off site professional learning activity, and I told her thank you for thinking of me. I just wanted people to focus on her news, not my reaction to it. In the end, the Principal made the announcement right at the beginning of the day. The Assistant Principal came to warn me, but had the nerve to say that I shouldn't be too upset as 'everyone knows you're trying'. Not everyone knows that we have been successful four times, I wanted to scream back at her, but just forced some kind of smile to my lips.

Only the office manager came right to me after the announcement was made, looking for a tissue. She kept an eye on me all day which was lovely. Support from an unexpected source, when as I said, my closest friend at school didn't even ask once if I was doing ok.

I cried on and off for the next half hour or so. I just wanted to be anywhere but there. I don't think it's jealousy as I am genuinely happy for these two beautiful ladies and their partners. I think it is anger for myself and for my babies that they were never acknowledged for celebrated in the same way. The only thing worse was lunch, where I had to hear all the questions about tests and scans and food aversions and so on. Again, it was lovely to hear about their experiences, but it was as though I was being deliberately excluded from a club I am very much a part of. Two things made it worse.

One was hearing that at least they were young and things should go well, and that they should be happy they weren't over 35. Unbelievable. Can you not see me sitting right here? Are you saying my losses are my own fault because I left it too late to try to start my family?

The second thing was hearing a mother of 3 saying that she got drunk and ate all sorts of food she 'shouldn't have' the week before her first was born as 'what could go wrong now?' Do you have no idea of the number of still births and babies who dies in the days after they are born? How can you be so blasé?

This past Tuesday was the worst of all. My team leader had been for her 12 week scan the week before and was getting all her results and had announced her pregnancy on Facebook the night before. She came in to work positively beaming and I was so happy for her. But when she started talking about how all her immunisations were up to date and her vitamin levels and so on, I had to go find some other work to do. I couldn't sit there and listen to it. She hadn't been for any preconception appointments, hadn't had any blood tests, just naively went in and everything was working out fine. Pretty sure this one was pure jealousy. I felt like a terrible person but I just couldn't help it. How is this right? How is it fair? What more do we have to do?

The worst thing is this. If finding out a colleague is pregnant can make me feel like this, what will happen when it's a member of my family?

When is a negative not a negative?

Nothing is ever going to be straightforward for us in this process, that much is clear.

After my super faint BFP on Monday, which turned out the be the day AF was due (I should check my dates more carefully!) I had light spotting that night, twice. I was so terrified of losing another baby that I spent all day Tuesday in bed, and then Tuesday night more spotting.

We visited the doctor on Wednesday and went through "the Plan' I was concerned that she wasn't able to prescribe the progesterone to me as the specialist recommended and that the Early Pregnancy clinic, who could prescribe, didn't want to see me until a scan at 6wks. She sent me off for hcg and progesterone testing, and a couple of extra forms for follow-up tests if the spotting continued.

No more spotting all of Wednesday, but then this morning, about 6am, I woke to a huge amount of bleeding, lucky that I had (for some unknown reason) worn a pad to bed. Came back to bed to tell hubby the news and it's so heartbreaking to hear the devastation in his voice. "How many more times can we go through this?" he whispered. More bleeding over the next couple of hours and then... NOTHING.

I was expecting a call from the doctor with the results of my tests from yesterday, and hoping for good news. If the numbers were high, then maybe the bleeding was ok. She told me the hcg result was 2. 2!! Technically not pregnant. I asked her about the heavy, but limited bleeding. She admitted that it wasn't normal, but more than likely a miscarriage due to the blood work. She has advised that I go back for the next blood test anyway, just to confirm. Especially if there is no more bleeding.

So now I just wait. Wait for more bleeding, wait for a blood test, wait for the results.

I still 'feel' pregnant, but with an hcg result that low, I guess it's more psychological than physical. I spoke to my mum about this and just confused the situation even more. Apparently with my youngest sister she didn't get a positive test until she was almost 12 weeks! She had told them she was pregnant but due to bleeding at 4 and 8 weeks they didn't believe her. So this gives me hope. False hope maybe, but right now I'll take what I can get.

"Why?" isn't even important

I should have posted at least 4 updates since the last one. We were away on holiday but I was still writing, ready to post when we returned. I had a post about travelling with morning sickness and one about spotting in early pregnancy which I was reading a lot about. I also had one about my symptoms in week 6 and also the fact that my dad had totally guessed that I was pregnant due to the fact that I didn't drink the night we arrived!

Instead, I am posting about another miscarriage.

Looking back, a lot of little things probably add up to tell me that this was coming. My HCG levels were pretty low, only 38 at 14dpo and 111 by 5 weeks. Doubling every 2.4 days or a 77% increase in 48 hours. Still within the average, but on the low side.

Then there was the spotting. The first was at 16dpo, pink and watery and only twice when I wiped. Doctor reassured me that this was 'normal.' It started again the following week while on holiday, at 5w4d. This time dark brown, and only once and when I wiped. Then the next day, dark brown and only once when I wiped. The following day, dark brown but this time more often when I was wiping. By Friday, at 6 weeks I had a couple of red spots coming through. I panicked the whole way home on the plane, but when we got off - nothing.

Another thing I notice now was my symptoms starting to fade. I know that this can happen anyway and that they can come and go - but in this case I now know it's because they were well and truly going. From 5w4d onwards I no longer got up in the night to empty my bladder. I thought this was maybe because with all the travel I wasn't drinking enough (4 litres not enough?!). I was also able to sleep comfortably on my chest which for the previous week had been unbearable. I was still slightly nauseous, but at this stage I think it was more due to concern about what was happening to our little poppy seed, rather than hormones.

I'll post another day about what actually happened, and what has happened since; at the moment it's just too much to think about. All I can manage is a cold recount of the facts, and yet so much more than that was involved.

I feel completely broken, like I have been shattered into a thousand pieces and although in time I might collect them all up, I'll never be the same, I keep thinking of the activity we do with kids to teach them the power of bullying. You ask them to cut a piece of paper into the shape of a heart. Then you ask them to scrunch it up, that's the effect of bullying. You then ask the students to flatten out their paper heart, this represents a person apologising for their behaviour. The thing they notice is that no matter how much they flatten the paper, the marks remain. That's exactly how I feel right now. But my heart isn't flattened, it's still scrunched tightly into a horrible little ball.

Week 5 symptom watch

I've actually been feeling rough since about 7dpo, I guess that would be when implantation happened. I woke up in the night with a cold sweat, acute nausea and killer headache.

The headache and the nausea have continued all through last week, but thankfully the nausea has died down to the point where it's just sitting there in the background most of the time. The thing that convinced me I must be pregnant, before I even took a test, was the stuffy nose/sore sinuses and the horrid cold sore I developed at 11dpo.

So this week. The headache is still hanging around, so is the cold sore and the rhinitis. I am really trying not to take any painkillers, so just going with cold cloths, massage, etc. My doctor recommended a safe nasal spray, so I may also give that a go.

I'm also REALLY tired. I'm struggling to make it past 2pm without a nap, one of the luxuries of being on leave from work! I'm pretty much dead to the world again my 9pm, which is a couple of hours earlier than normal.

Unfortunately, also pretty gassy and bloaty which I hate. Makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable, even when trying to sleep. My boobs are pretty uncomfortable too, switching from just feeling heavy to being quite painful to touch.

The nausea isn't too bad. The last two nights I have been up in the middle of the night sure I was going to be sick, but so far have managed to keep it together. I find that eating small meals/snacks throughout the day helps keep it at bay. So far there aren't too many things that are putting me off, although I didn't manage to finish my banana this morning, the texture completely threw me off!

Let's see what next week brings!

When all you do is wait

It's always funny how time seems to drag by so slowly day to day, but when you look back you realise that weeks or months have passed by almost in an instant. At least, that's how it seems to me a lot of the time.

As I sit here nervously awaiting the arrival of AF, I can't believe that it's been almost a month since my chemical pregnancy. In the days and weeks that have passed since then I have tests, appointments, reviews, more appointments... and days of doing absolutely nothing at all. There have been days that hubby has come home and asked what I have been up to, and I have genuinely not been able to think of a single thing that I did - not even sitting in front of the television! Other days, I have been so full of nervous energy that I have cleaned every room in the house three times over, cooked more food than we could ever eat and been our of the house two or three times.

Right now I am having one of the nervous energy days. I am currently 12 dpo (or possibly 11) - this time last month I got my first BFP. I was scared to test this morning, but I did anyway. Pretty sure it's negative, but there's something almost there that keeps catching my eye. So I am doing just about everything I can think of to keep busy to avoid thinking about it.

I keep telling myself how silly this all is and that I should just wait 3 more days for the arrival of AF, but at the same time, I just want to know.

I am not usually one for over analysing every little sign or symptom, but I feel almost the same this month as I did last, two unusual symptoms that I have not had before are feeling the need to pee even after I have just been to the toilet and an incredible headache. The headache is outstanding in the fact that it has lasted for four days and does not go away at all. It's also localised to one side of my head making it even sensitive to touch. I never get headaches like this, and never for this long.

So, as usual with this whole TTC saga, I'm waiting. I know there are many more women and couples out there waiting right along with me, but it feels like such a lonely time.

Symptom Spotting... again!

I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant. I have spent the last few days explaining away all of my symptoms, but here they are:

*Breathlessness - all the time, but I have asthma and it's cold outside
*Peeing a LOT - but I'm on holiday and don't have to hold it in for hours like I do at school
*Headache - there's a lot of stress in the family right now and I have had a headache for about a week (it actually hurts to touch my right eyebrow..)
*Gassy - mostly burping, but then I have been drinking a lot of sparkling water (may also contribute to the peeing!)
*Nausea - this could be from the worry about what's happening to my body, along with the family stress
*Tender breasts - normal symptom of PMS, too.
*Fatigue - SO tired, but I'm on holidays, I think I'm just being lazy. Having said that, have been asleep on the couch by 5 every night, and struggling to stay awake by about 9 - we usually sleep just after midnight

If a line on a hpt, no matter how light, means pregnant, then these symptoms aren't just my imagination. My only worry is that the lighter test results might indicate a chemical pregnancy. If so, these could be just the symptoms of the impending arrival of AF.

I guess only time (and lots more poas!) will tell =]

When is a negative not a negative?

Theoretically, my TWW has ended. In reality, I'm still waiting for either a positive test, or for my period to arrive. At this point, I'll take either!

I have also changed my view on home testing. I started testing on Wednesday, thinking that I would like to know early and got a negative. Didn't worry me too much at the time as I thought it would be too early anyway. Tested again on Friday, 12DPO, negative. That put me into a bit of a funk. I spent most of the day at work googling how HPTs work and what is considered 'normal' for HcG levels in early pregnancy. I also ate a ridiculous number of carbs, not only as comfort food, but to help with nausea. Saturday I spent trying not to think about testing the following day, or the impending arrival of AF. This morning I tested again, another negative. I have one test left that I will probably use, next Friday, but after that, I'm done.

There is something to be said for waiting to find out. Ignorance is bliss? I don't know what it is, but I really could have done without the stress of the last couple of days. For me, it seems that just waiting to find out if/when AF arrives is going to be the best way to cope. I have resolved not to buy another HPT until I have missed my period. Hopefully I can stick to it!

So, what do I know? I know that my tests are negative, and that AF is not on the scene. I also know from my research that HPTs rely on average levels HcG of about 25 to give a positive result (with some variation) and that this is the 'average' level about 2 days before your period is due, if you are pregnant. Further reading has shown me that a level of 18 is within the 'normal' range up to the fifth week of pregnancy. Very low, the high end of the fifth week range is in the thousands, but still, it's there.

So what does that mean for me? I guess it means that it's still possible that I am pregnant, and then all my crazy symptoms of the last two weeks will make sense. It could also mean that I am not, and AF is due any day. It could also mean that my body is still adjusting to coming off BC and that is what is causing the symptoms. Right now, it also means that my wait continues...

Keeping Busy in the TWW

Seems like an almost impossible task, right?!

I am lucky that I have a fairly demanding job, lots of planning and preparation and then a room full of students to keep me occupied for most of the day. It's the nights and weekends that get me. I have been doing a bit of reading, a bit of crafting but honestly, I have felt so bad that I haven't really been up to doing anything. That means that I sit and think. As I was aimlessly browsing, trying NOT to google every symptom I am feeling, I found a great list of "14 things to do when 14 days seem like forever" on the BabyBelly.com.au site.

In shorthand, here are the ideas:
1. Take a walk
2. Clean out ready for maternity wear
3. Start a journal
4. Plant a hope garden
5. Get better at photography
6. Make an appeal to your reproductive system!
7. Paint your toenails
8. Make a cup of herbal tea
9. Swim laps
10.Make lists
11. Create a fertility dance
12. Prepare a folic acid feast
13. Delegate the burden of the TWW to friends and family
14. Make a list of 14 things to do in the TWW

So I took the last one to heart, and here is what I came up with:
1. Cooking dinner for the week ahead
2. Clean out the spare room
3. Sort the bookshelf
4. Check Pinterest for great newborn photography ideas
5. Herbal tea - peppermint
6. Make lists of names, especially girls names as we can't think of many!
7. Make a list of who to tell and when
8. Draw up the pattern for the ring toy I want to make
9. Sketch some ideas for nursery decor (I LOVE drawing)
10. Read that book my sister gave me for Christmas, can't even remember what it is called, but it's big!
11. Plan the type of pregnancy/baby diary I want to keep, check Pinterest for ideas!
12. Plan all my lessons until the end of term, it's only two weeks away
13. Ring mum and nan for a catch up
14. Plan how I will tell hubby if I get a BFP!

So that's it, this is the list I am working through this week trying to keep my mind of how sick I am feeling and definitely NOT thinking about the TWW.  Here's hoping it works!

What do you do, or try to do, to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied during the TWW?

Early Pregnancy Symptoms before Implantation

I have been doing a lot of reading this weekend. I had thought, on my limited medical knowledge, that there would be no way for a woman to feel any pregnancy symptoms before implantation. I thought that this was when the baby and mother started interacting, and therefore the first time for hormones to have any impact on the mother.

Then I spent the last week feeling awful.

I have had bloating, cramps and nausea every day for the last week. I have been extremely tired, to the point where I have been in bed very early the last 3 nights and actually slept for 16 hours yesterday. I have been short of breath and using my asthma puffer regularly during the day, not something I normally have to do. I developed an allergic reaction to my wedding ring and I totally lost interest in sex. The last 3 days I have had terrible headaches and an awful taste in my mouth. So I took a HPT, thinking that surely if I was feeling all this I must be pregnant.

BFN.

So I started researching. I looked for the type of EPS that women reported at 3 and 4 weeks. I looked up if it is even possible to have symptoms before implantation and although the replies from some forum members seem to be a loud "NO!" the research I saw said that maybe it isn't so crazy.

HCG, the hormone associated with the symptoms of pregnancy, isn't the only hormone that can cause these symptoms. The other culprit is progesterone. This starts to build from the moment of ovulation and some of the articles I ready suggested that this hormone increases once conception or fertilisation occurs. I also read that there are some women who are more susceptible to these types of changes in their hormone levels.

Theoretically, it is possible that I am pregnant and that would explain the terrible way I have been feeling. But because this is our first try, because I have been on BC for a few years and not ovulating, there is another theory I am starting to think is more likely.

If progesterone is only released after ovulation, and I haven't been ovulating while on BC, then it could just be that my body is not used to having this hormone in my system and I am reacting to it. The other problem is that although I am off BC I don't know when or even if I am ovulating. I think I know, based on pains and twinges I felt just over a week ago, but I don't know for sure.

So I don't really know what that BFN means. Am I pregnant but it is too early to test? Or is it a genuine BFN and I should expect a visit from dear old AF any day now?

I suppose only time will tell. The TWW continues!