19 weeks

Or the size of a retro gameboy!

My 19th week had been fairly uneventful. Wiggly feelings were starting to turn into definite kicks and we can pick up her beautiful heartbeat almost immediately every night.

Thankfully, our weekly progesterone test showed a huge rebound and we were back up to levels measuring one week ahead. The plan now is to continue on the same dose until 28 weeks, as long as the results keep tracking this way.

The hubby had the weekend off so we ventured out to do a little shopping. Not more than 10 minutes in and I was in all sorts of pain in my leg and terrible pulling feelings in my groin. SO much so that I was in tears in the middle of the shopping centre.

It wasn't just the pain making me cry, it was the thought that here I was, not even 20 weeks and in such pain walking around a store and just about to finish work ealy... when all the #fitpregnancy talk makes me feel like a complete failure because I can't climb a mountain to pose for bump pics!

In addition to that, I have had to start insulin for my GD. My numbers are all pretty much under the limits, but because I am already on metformin (for PCO) and that would be lowering my numbers already and I have to come off that before third trimester... well, they wanted to start me now.

It's not a huge drama, but it is just one more thing to worry about. What to eat, when to eat and being scared of overnight lows when I take my bedtime dose. People much braver than me have to face a lifetime of this, I know I only have a few months ahead of me.

Officially halfway too, as the current plan is still c-section at 37/38 weeks. So hard to believe but oh so amazing.

When It Hurts

Just as pregnancy loss is an isolating experience, I am coming to find that pregnancy after loss can carry much of the same silence and awkwardness.

When I first started telling people about this little one, responses ranged from "How far along are you this time?" to "This time will be different." I also received many subdued "Congratulations" that almost seemed to have an undertone of doubt or even disbelief. I also had a couple of "Again?!" I'm not sure if this was due to the number of previous losses (people were quick to suggest we look at adoption after our last loss), or the short time between our last loss and this baby. I would have liked just one positive "Congratulations!" I knew that people would ask how far, that's one of the reasons we waited till we passed the 8 week point of our last loss before telling even family.

I have also found it hard to talk about my own feelings about this pregnancy. I'm constantly being told off for saying "if" but it is just not possible for me to say '"when" yet. I try to explain that it is not negativity, or even worry and anxiety - it is realism. I have been on the wrong side of the odds too many times to take anything for granted. I also can't talk about the fact that I am still mourning all our lost babies, but also still processing our loss from April and trying to get my head around the fact that if that baby had lived then we wouldn't have our little girl. I just get uncomprehending stares in return. I have people ask me why I am feeling sad, down or withdrawn, after all, I should be happy to be pregnant.

The thing I am finding most difficult at the moment is the feeling that I should be having a happy and painless pregnancy because I am lucky enough to actually be pregnant again. I guess this came to a head after reading a fellow loss mum's comment on an infertility group I was part of. It was basically along the lines of "I wouldn't complain about anything if I was pregnant, don't these women know how lucky they are? I can't stand hearing it!"

I found this really confronting, as while I am thankful beyond belief to be carrying this little one, the pregnancy itself is difficult for me. I truly believe I will do whatever it takes to get her here safely, but should I just have to grin and bear the pain? On top of the daily progesterone and the fatigue this causes (which is nothing more than an inconvenience), and the gestational diabetes, my back injury is starting to play up and the nerve pain in my leg is almost excruciating. At the moment, I can barely walk for 5 minutes before it becomes too much. I am also having troubles with round ligament pain and SPD.

Yes I am getting a support band, yes I have seen the physio, yes I am starting up hydro therapy again this week... but just because I am blessed to be pregnant again does that mean I can't say the words, "My leg is really hurting today."

I never expect everyone to understand what this experience feels like, and I know there are many women who would give anything to fall pregnant, but just as we don't expect them to suffer their losses in silence, why should the experience of pregnancy after loss be somehow immune from this kind of freedom and support?

Pregnancy is tough. Pregnancy after loss is tough.

18 Weeks

Ovia tells me that this week baby is the size of a croissant, I know EXACTLY how big that is! I should probably just put the Ovia pictures up instead, but now that I have started I kind of want to keep them all the same.

I got the results back from the MTHFR test, negative. Good to know but at the moment doesn't really change anything. Thankfully my progesterone result went up a little at the end of last week. Still not back to where we were, but not a drop which I was so anxious about all week, and still just on average for our gestation. Our little girl is still kicking away in there and we still listen to her heartbeat almost every night.

I've been thinking about a lot of things to do with this pregnancy and how I keep changing my mind about what I want to do, and how to do it. For example, we have told close family and friends, but haven't made the obligatory "facebook announcement" and I am not sure if I want to. But then I feel this little one deserves to be celebrated. Likewise, we hadn't planned to have a shower, but again I find myself thinking that both our baby, and to a lesser extent myself, shouldn't miss out on that experience that is so common to other pregnant woman. We had also more or less agreed not to do anything in the spare room until after we bring the baby home, after all, she'll be spending the first few months in our room. But this also feels like a right of passage that I need to experience at some point. And although she won't be sleeping there, we need somewhere to store her clothes and the multitude of nappies!

I don't know, I am a bit all over the place. Just as I can divide my life into a distinct 'before' and 'after' that pivots around our first loss, so I can see two distinct futures. I have always seen the future where this little one joins her siblings in heaven, but now I am also starting to see glimpses of a possible future with her here.

In a few days well be at 19 weeks. For us technically half way as she'll probably be here between 37 and 38 weeks. I just can't get my head around it. And then I feel a little kick which reminds me that for right now, she's here and that's all that matters.

17 Weeks

Or the size of a playstation controller according to Ovia!

The past week has been a tricky one. My progesterone levels have dropped, a LOT, from 50 to 40. I can't even explain the anxiety this has caused. My specialist says she's not worried yet, and to see what happens this week. Could just be a fluke.

The main thing to worry about here is early labour, so every little twinge or pain is sending me into a panic. I am doing my best to stay calm and our doppler is certainly helping in that regard. Our baby girl's little heart is beating away at a steady 160ish bpm every night when we check before bed.

I had also had a couple of high bgl readings during my first week of testing. I knew that it was due to what I had eaten, really testing myself out to see what I could and couldn't eat (read, too many hot chips, too much rice and pasta!) but I didn't know what the outcome of that would be at my one week check up. Thankfully, they were happy with my reasoning and so I only have to go back in two weeks for a check up with the endocrinologist, rather than an urgent on the day appointment.

So besides waiting for my progesterone test this week, I'm waiting for another test result. One possible cause of the low or dropping progesterone is the MTHFR mutation, which I have never been tested for. Some of the symptoms fit (wheat allergy) but others don't (dairy intolerance). I don't really know what it will mean if the test comes back positive and in this case I have chosen not to google - I'll just wait for the result which can take up to a week.

The main thing scaring me is the progesterone. They've already said the think that is the reason for our previous losses, so the background thoughts of losing our little girl have come right to the front. I've had dreams for the past two nights of waking up bleeding - this usually happens the day before AF arrives so it is genuinely worrying to me to have such dreams now.

This little one is already such a part of us, perhaps even more so than her siblings before her, it is all I can do to keep thoughts of losing her at bay. I just keep reminding myself that she's here now, and doing fine. And at the moment, that's all I can ask for.

16 Weeks

The size of an avocado, but not as green or mushy (thanks Ovia!)

My 16th week started with an appointment at the hospital of horrors. This time I only had to wait 2 and a half hours, I was so glad I told hubby not to bother coming along! I had no idea what to expect but came prepared with all the test results they asked for and was hoping to find out what happens next. Instead, once I was finally called the first question asked was, "Is this your first appointment?" Are you kidding me?! Once that was out of the way the next question was, "Can you tell me about your previous pregnancies?" No, I though, I have been over that, I can see it written on the screen in front of you! Instead, I asked to be told what was happening with THIS pregnancy. Were my tests looking ok, please check my blood pressure, tell me what happens next, do I keep taking the folate, metformin and aspirin. Couldn't get an answer about the folate or metformin, but was told aspirin is fine to continue. All my tests were ok, but my glucose tolerance test came back borderline. All my results were exactly on the cut off.

That was a big enough shock, I had thought the early test was just a precaution, none of my urine tests had shown any issues. I was then told that because of this, I would have to stay at this hospital and not be transferred at 20 weeks as we had been told and been planning all long. I was devastated. There is no way I can have my baby at this hospital and annoyingly (I keep blaming hormones!) I started crying. I was so upset. At this point she chose to take my blood pressure!

Not surprisingly it registered high, from memory 152 over 95. "It must be because you are upset." I was then asked to go and wait back in the waiting room to calm down and she would test it again after the next patient. No way I was waiting out there AGAIN and I knew I wouldn't calm down until I had a chance to talk to hubby about everything that I had just found out. I said I'd get my GP to check next time I saw her.

A call later that afternoon set up my appointment with the Diabetes Educator and Dietician at our preferred hospital for the following Monday. This went really well. Hubby came along so he could find out what I had to do, how often to test and anything he could help with. Ever since he has come in to get me before work so he can help (he writes the number in the log book) with the morning test and does the same after dinner. Sometimes I wonder if this is even the person I married :) Frustratingly, all my tests have been well below the cut off levels making me wonder why I am even doing this, but whatever it takes to get our little girl here safely! I have also since been told that having GD has NOTHING to do with which hospital I birth at and it will all depend on how healthy baby and I are when the time comes.

That afternoon we had our 'before 20 weeks reassurance scan' and everything was wonderful. We had checked our baby girl's heartbeat the night before so knew she was doing ok, but it was so wonderful to see her tiny heart beating away and watch her wriggling around. So much wriggling in fact that we couldn't get a lot of measurements, but what we did get was perfect.

So now it is waiting. Daily blood glucose tests, weekly progesterone and the 20 week scan in just under 4 weeks. Hang in there baby girl!

Gender prediction

I honestly don't know how much longer I can refrain from using baby's gender when writing these posts, so time to put these gender prediction theories to the test and get to the bottom of it!

Chinese Lunar calendar prediction: girl
Fetal heart rate test, over 140: girl
Mayan calendar prediction (mothers age odd, year of conception even): boy
Morning sickness, relatively mild (no throwing up), just constant: boy
Sweet vs salty, I've gone completely off chocolate and crave salted crisps: boy
Acne/skin test: girl
Nipple test! Still the same colour: girl
Hairy legs test: boy
Moody test, yeah, I'm all over the place: girl
Dream test, I was dreaming about boys, or one of each: girl
Baby weight, it's all on the bum and hips: girl
Sleep position, prefer the right and more comfortable: girl
Breast growth, hasn't changed much: boy
Cold feet, hard to say being winter but haven't noticed much difference: girl

So... out of these 14 theories the results are girl:9 and boy:5

Of course at this stage (and we have known since 11 weeks) the only way to be sure is with a blood test. We used the Percept test and both times (we had a re-draw because the first sample free cell DNA wasn't high enough) the test has confirmed... it's a GIRL!

15 Weeks

I was back at school last week and completely exhausted, so no update! Two main things happened, one was my early glucose tolerance test which I'll post about next time, the other was a shopping trip with hubby.

It's rare for us to have two days off in a row together, much less the weekend, so when he knew he would be off hubby requested that we go shopping as he needed new shirts and trousers for work - fun! I also knew I needed a couple of extra tops for work, baby is making it's presence known!

I asked if possible could we stop in somewhere and buy a little something for baby. A blanket, a toy, a book... anything really, just something little to make it feel a bit more real and give a little optimism. Hubby readily agreed.

Shopping for ourselves was fine, although I did have a little moment in the first shop as all the clothes were horrible and too tight and clingy. I'm not even thinking of maternity clothes, just 'normal' clothes a couple of sizes larger.

Once I had bought my tops we went looking for something for baby. We checked out a couple of cots and car seats and confirmed our thoughts, but nowhere near ready being able to buy anything like that. We were looking at blankets and cot sets and there were so many lovely whites and greys, exactly what we have in mind for our little one's room. We ummed and ahhed over a few, hubby was even trying to get me to buy more than one as we couldn't decide!

Having made our choice of a lovely knitted blanket, a perfect match for the chair we have ordered, I was ready to leave. As we were, hubby spotted a "Love at first sight" ultrasound photo frame that he thought we should get. I burst into tears. I know it had been building, looking at all of the baby items, but all I could think of what that we still might lose this little one that we love more and more every moment. He was so lovely, giving me a hug and a kiss on the forehead as I sobbed in the middle of the store - something that would usually make him hugely uncomfortable. But he did it. For me. For us. It's not just baby that I love more and more every moment.