Wednesday, 6 May 2015

What to say? What to do?

I will reflect more on my own experiences in the days to come I am sure, but in the meantime, I wanted to share this information that I found.

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Have you or someone you know lost a child? While Mother’s Day may be a painful trigger for bereaved moms, it is also an opportunity to celebrate these women and their children. Here are some ideas to honour them this Mother’s Day:
1. Affirm her identity as a motherA woman’s love for her deceased child never dies, nor does her motherhood. Celebrate the mom who carried her baby, no matter how briefly, and is strong enough to wake up each day and keep going after the death of that child. Recognize her by wishing her a “Happy Mother’s Day;” she is a mother and deserves happiness. Let her know you are thinking of her.  
2. Celebrate her childTalk about the baby that died and use the child’s name. Look at pictures and discuss the experience. Bereaved mothers will generally commemorate the anniversaries of the baby’s birth and death, but Mother’s Day provides another cherished opportunity for remembrance. 
3. Spend quality time togetherOn a day that is likely to be lonely for the bereaved mom, instead of a card in the mail, give the gift of time. Your attention and friendship will create a lasting impact. Have lunch in a restaurant, go for a hike or create a new memory together. The mother may wish to visit her child’s gravesite, light a candle or scrapbook the baby’s footprints or funeral program. Doing these activities with the bereaved mother will be quality time she will greatly treasure. In the case that the mother wishes to be alone, suggest another time to do something meaningful together.
4. Give thoughtful giftsWhile a dozen roses and a box of chocolates may be nice, show you care through a meaningful and relevant gift. There are many companies that make bereavement jewelry, statues and ornaments. Other ideas include books, picture frames, candles or personalized keepsakes. Or you could make a donation to a hospital, bereavement program or charity in the child’s or mother’s name. Even a thoughtful letter may be the perfect way to show you care.
5. Ask how she is doing and listen
Ask the mother how she is coping and welcome her vulnerability. The best approach is to let her do the talking. Know that you do not need to solve the event or fix the emotions; these things need to be experienced and expressed and this is often helpful in itself. Create a safe environment for the bereaved mother to share. You can do this by open body language, eye contact and active listening. If the mother is struggling, encourage her to take good care of herself and find support.
A woman never stops being her child’s mom, whether her baby is with her or not. Bereaved mothers have survived excruciating pain and yet carry on. This bravery deserves recognition—especially on Mother’s Day.


  1. It is really hard having lost pregnancies acknowledged. When I go to the doctors or see midwives now they have asked, 'Is this your first child?' I have to answer 'yes' because i know what they mean but I feel like I am betraying the pregnancy and child we lost last year. I just wish they would ask something else like, 'is this your only successful pregnancy past so-many weeks' for example.

    I hope you recognised yourself as a mother on Sunday and hubby treated you special xo.

    1. It's a hard club to be a part of, isn't it? I was at the shops on Saturday picking up some bits and pieces, and the lady on the register (who is tactless as anything at the best of times) asked, "What are you doing tomorrow? Do you have any kids?" I really wanted to say yes, but also couldn't bear the explanation, so just said no. And felt horrible about it all day.

      Thanks for your kind thoughts babybj, I hope you had a special Mother's Day too x