18 Weeks

Ovia tells me that this week baby is the size of a croissant, I know EXACTLY how big that is! I should probably just put the Ovia pictures up instead, but now that I have started I kind of want to keep them all the same.

I got the results back from the MTHFR test, negative. Good to know but at the moment doesn't really change anything. Thankfully my progesterone result went up a little at the end of last week. Still not back to where we were, but not a drop which I was so anxious about all week, and still just on average for our gestation. Our little girl is still kicking away in there and we still listen to her heartbeat almost every night.

I've been thinking about a lot of things to do with this pregnancy and how I keep changing my mind about what I want to do, and how to do it. For example, we have told close family and friends, but haven't made the obligatory "facebook announcement" and I am not sure if I want to. But then I feel this little one deserves to be celebrated. Likewise, we hadn't planned to have a shower, but again I find myself thinking that both our baby, and to a lesser extent myself, shouldn't miss out on that experience that is so common to other pregnant woman. We had also more or less agreed not to do anything in the spare room until after we bring the baby home, after all, she'll be spending the first few months in our room. But this also feels like a right of passage that I need to experience at some point. And although she won't be sleeping there, we need somewhere to store her clothes and the multitude of nappies!

I don't know, I am a bit all over the place. Just as I can divide my life into a distinct 'before' and 'after' that pivots around our first loss, so I can see two distinct futures. I have always seen the future where this little one joins her siblings in heaven, but now I am also starting to see glimpses of a possible future with her here.

In a few days well be at 19 weeks. For us technically half way as she'll probably be here between 37 and 38 weeks. I just can't get my head around it. And then I feel a little kick which reminds me that for right now, she's here and that's all that matters.

17 Weeks

Or the size of a playstation controller according to Ovia!

The past week has been a tricky one. My progesterone levels have dropped, a LOT, from 50 to 40. I can't even explain the anxiety this has caused. My specialist says she's not worried yet, and to see what happens this week. Could just be a fluke.

The main thing to worry about here is early labour, so every little twinge or pain is sending me into a panic. I am doing my best to stay calm and our doppler is certainly helping in that regard. Our baby girl's little heart is beating away at a steady 160ish bpm every night when we check before bed.

I had also had a couple of high bgl readings during my first week of testing. I knew that it was due to what I had eaten, really testing myself out to see what I could and couldn't eat (read, too many hot chips, too much rice and pasta!) but I didn't know what the outcome of that would be at my one week check up. Thankfully, they were happy with my reasoning and so I only have to go back in two weeks for a check up with the endocrinologist, rather than an urgent on the day appointment.

So besides waiting for my progesterone test this week, I'm waiting for another test result. One possible cause of the low or dropping progesterone is the MTHFR mutation, which I have never been tested for. Some of the symptoms fit (wheat allergy) but others don't (dairy intolerance). I don't really know what it will mean if the test comes back positive and in this case I have chosen not to google - I'll just wait for the result which can take up to a week.

The main thing scaring me is the progesterone. They've already said the think that is the reason for our previous losses, so the background thoughts of losing our little girl have come right to the front. I've had dreams for the past two nights of waking up bleeding - this usually happens the day before AF arrives so it is genuinely worrying to me to have such dreams now.

This little one is already such a part of us, perhaps even more so than her siblings before her, it is all I can do to keep thoughts of losing her at bay. I just keep reminding myself that she's here now, and doing fine. And at the moment, that's all I can ask for.