Thursday, 2 January 2014

Why do you even WANT a baby?

I am really hoping to get some feedback here. My hubby asks me this question every now and then and sometimes I find that I can’t answer him. “I just do,” isn’t really an acceptable answer.

Last night, the conversation got quite intense. He thinks that the fact I want a baby means I am unhappy with our life together, that he is not enough for me, that I need someone else to complete my life. That without a child I feel as though we are not a real family. I asked him if he thought he met every need I have, he said no. I asked him if he thought he should be able to fill all of my needs, he wasn't sure, but he seemed to think that if he was a 'good' husband, that he should be able to do this. 

I asked him if he thought I fulfilled all his needs, purposely asking about the things that he prefers to do with other men rather than me (watching football, talking about football, and so on). I found his answer interesting. He likes doing those things with others, but needs to do them with me too. If I do something else while he is watching football, even if I am sitting next to him reading, he feels like I am not giving him the attention I should. I think one book I read referred to this as "Recreational Intimacy."

He voiced the thought that if we don't have a baby, by choice or through fertility issues, that he doesn't think he alone would be enough to make me happy and that I would end up resentful, unhappy and depressed for the rest of my life.

It was quite hard to explain to him that the love I have for him is different to the need I have for a baby and the love I would have for that child. I don't think I managed to express it in a way he understood - to him, love is love.

He often talks of 'giving' me a baby and I think that is part of it. I feel as though bearing his child is the greatest gift I could give him. He sees it as something I am doing for myself. In some ways it is a little selfish of me, I want my life to be worth more than the things I have, I want the value or quality of my life to be measured by the people I love and the love they have for me.

For those of you that have children, why did you want them? Now that you have them, has that want been fulfilled? How would you answer this question?


  1. Hi, found you via EB :)

    I think "I just do" is a pretty good answer. I mean who would want to give up sleep, your body, time and all your money for anything else. But for kids, easy peasy.

    To answer your second question, I have 3 and I don't think the need will ever go away for me. I'm thinking about 1 or 2 more now.

    1. Thanks so much for finding me here and taking the time to reply =]

      When talking the other night hubby actually asked me if one would be enough, or would we end up with 10! I think he's worried that once I get started I wont want to stop - best not tell him about your response ;)

  2. Hi, came over from EB :) we are trying for our first child, and although I'm not over 35, a lot of the questioning that you write about is something I'm going through too. My reason for wanting to try for a child now is that I think I probably want one eventually, so we might as well start earlier rather than later. Who knows how long it will take us.

    I find that it's actually quite good to start trying when I'm not super clucky. It takes a lot of the pressure off, and I feel like although I'd be disappointed if it didn't happen for us, I'd be relieved in a way to have room to pursue the other life I have planned... one of travel and adventure. So it's a win-win really :) All I need is my husband by my side, and I'm set :)

    Anyway, just wanted to drop a line to say I love your style of writing. You're so articulate, and every thought seems so well considered and measured!

    1. Thanks so much, it's encouraging to read other people's stories. Thanks for your lovely comments about my writing, too. There are so many pros and cons at any age, it really is a lot to think about and consider.

      You mentioned the extra pressure of trying when clucky, I know what you mean! There are so many other pressures, best not to add any extra!

      All the very best to you and your hubby as you continue on your journey, hopefully you can stop by now and again to let us know how you're doing =]

  3. I'm not sure how to explain it...I always wanted kids, but I always sort of saw it as something that would "happen down the road". Or like you said, it just felt like something people did. Grow up, get married, have kids. When it finally came time to try at 32, I felt like a kid who wasn't ready for a kid, though I still wanted one (I can't fathom having had one in my 20's).

    After we lost Kayla, I knew we had to try again. It wasn't even a question. My desire for another child was stronger than any fears I had of losing another one. But even while I was pregnant with E, I was worried. What if I didn't want it ALL the time? My friends's kids were great, but they went home at the end of the day. Could I do this? What if I missed my freedom? The peace and quiet?

    I pretty much felt this way up until the minute she was born. I wanted her so bad, but I was so scared about what I had gotten myself into. But once she was here, it was like a love I could never ever have expected or explained. She doesn't just make me happy, she IS my happiness. I am a grouch in the morning, but I smile from ear to ear when I go in to get her out of bed.

    I am so excited to pass on the wisdom, comfort, fun, and knowledge my parents gave me. I seriously think I must have led such a boring mundane life before she came along. Life pre-baby is not even on my radar anymore. I feel like if I could somehow go back to those times, I would miss her even though I wouldn't have known her.

    1. Thank you so much Amy for your heartfelt response!

      What you wrote at the end really resonates with me at the moment (even though we are well past the WHY now). My dear friend just told me, as she approaches 40 this year, that if she could tell any one anything about being a parent it would be "Don't wait" and that life is so much more with a little one to share it with.