Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, 2017

This day is so important to us, and to many bereaved parents. It is a day for honoring the memories of little ones lost, and for trying to break the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss.

I have posted many times in the past about this topic, and now, parenting after loss is bringing a whole new perspective to this date. I often look at our little one and think about the siblings she sill never meet. She could have had a big brother or sister two years older than her. How would they be together? Would they look alike? Would they play together or antagonise each other? How would our lives as parents be different with two instead of one? It's even possible, given the timing of our losses, that she could have two older siblings, what would THAT look like for us?

And then I get to thinking that if we hadn't lost those babies, maybe we would never have had her. Our little Squish might never have been born due to spacing gaps between siblings or a whole range of other issues that can come with bringing home a baby.

Parenting after loss can bring such guilt too. There have been so many times when we have been struggling with sickness, sleep deprivation or simply not knowing how to ease our little one or what she needs, that we have been cross with her or with each other. And then to feel such guilt for not always being 'happy' with our little miracle. We love her more than anything, but she's still a baby! And babies can be a challenge!

If you are grieving the loss of a little one, our thoughts are with you. Especially to those who suffer in silence and have not told their friends or family about their loss. love and hugs to you x

Picture from Luminous Light Studio

Christmas Wishes

Pregnancy, Childbirth and Superstition

My last post, regarding buying for a baby you have yet to conceive, was by far my most viewed so far. The thread I started on Essential Baby asking if others had done the same received more replies than any other thread I have started - and not all of them positive.

Of course, posting for feedback on a public forum is not about having people agree with you; I was genuinely interested to find out if others buy for baby when trying to conceive, and if not, why not.

The thing I was amazed to find was just how many women, who would normally claim to be sane and rational (I guess!), were writing about not wanting to jinx their yet-to-be child, or covering or hiding items that they had bought.

While there are obviously some things you could surround yourself with that would jeopardise your chances of conceiving, I'm thinking chemical cleaners, chain smokers and the like, I find it hard to believe that buying that adorable onesie you see, buying a beloved children's book and so on could possibly have any impact on whether you do, or do not, end up with a baby in your arms.

I suppose part of the reason is that there is still something so awe inspiring about the act of creating new life. Even though we now scientifically understand how the process occurs, there are still so many unknowns, so many outcomes that science and medicine cannot predict or alter, that there is still an air of mystery surrounding conception and pregnancy.

I know there are far more practical reasons people choose to abstain from buying, mostly based on previous painful experiences or miscarriage, stillbirth or years of inability to conceive and these I feel are entirely justified. I am sure that if hubby and I are still TTC in another 2 or 3 years, let alone the 10 or more some EB posters wrote about, that I will feel much differently towards the little box of baby treasures than I do now.

But the sense I got from most comments was the fear that buying too many baby things before there is a baby to buy for is inviting trouble, that it almost guarantees failure. Even posters who had been given items from family members seemed to feel almost guilty about having them, pointing out that the items were in a spare room, still in their boxes or hidden out in a shed somewhere.

I have to say, if I had been any younger, some of these responses would have terrified me. I was almost made to feel that I was arrogant for presuming that I would ever have a 'take home baby' as though this is a blessing bestowed on a rare few, rather than the most natural thing a woman can hope for. I was given the impression that by buying these things I was likely to have years of TTC failure ahead of me, but that if maybe I hadn't bought them, things would be different. As it is, I am old enough to know better.

I was really intrigued by the insight into the way other women think and feel when trying to conceive and am thankful for people sharing. I will continue to ask questions and learn from the experience of those who have gone down the road to motherhood before me, and to share the TTC journey with those who are also following that path.

I am sure that I will be buying more, you'll probably see the evidence posted here, and I prefer to view this from the complete opposite perspective. One of the best ways to boost my chances of having that baby in my arms to to remain positive, as stress free as I can, and buying these things - for now at least - makes me feel wonderfully warm inside and full of amazement at the journey hubby and I are embarking on =]

Baby Sales!

As some of you may know, the Target Baby Sale is on at the moment.. and the Big W Baby Sale starts next week!

I know that it's not a good idea to get too carried away, as hubby reminded me, we have no idea how long it may take us to fall pregnant, or if it will even be possible. The worst things I can imagine is having a room ful of baby things staring accusingly at me as the months or years pass.

However...

I couldn't stay away! My very best friend who just had her first has arranged to take me shopping in the next school holidays, she told me there is a lot of stuff I think I will need that I wont, and stuff I don't think I'll need that I probably will. One things I remember her telling me is that everyone buys newborn clothes as gifts, but very few buy for the 3 months plus age.

It is a bit temptation to me to buy little boys clothes, after all, whenever hubby and I talk about babies it seems to be about baby boys. I know that is I part because of some reservations I have about raising girls in general, but there are also some other issues that I'd rather not go into here. Not yet anyway. Having said that, the little girls clothes are ADORABLE!

I tried to make sure that I didn't buy too much and that anything I did buy was more 'neutral' although I have no problem putting a baby girl in blue (not a fan of pink myself, although hubby keeps buying me pink clothes and I think I am slowly warming to the colour after 35 years).

I was also determined to find a box of some type to store things in. For one thing, it will limit what I buy - if it wont fit in the box I wont buy it. For another, it'll be easy to keep out of sight of visiting friends and family. The one thing I didn't count on  was just how hard it would be to find a nice box! I admit, I didn't look too hard. My choices were limited to Target, Big W and Kmart. I was surprised however that there was a huge lack of 'toy boxes' - I imagine kids these days must just leave their mountains of toys all over the place! (I'll save my 'kids these days' thoughts for another post!).

I also managed to pick up an Australian Edition baby book. Keep on eye out for a future post about the content, hoping that it is better than the last one.

Review: Your Pregnancy After 35, 3rd Edition

You would think I had learned my lesson after the magazine article I read last week, but apparently not. Probably the teacher in me coming out, but as we continue on this adventure, I crave information. This book jumped out at me immediately, for obvious reasons.

The one thing I didn't consider until I had the book back home was just how up to date or relevant the information might be. I already knew this was an American book, therefore very little of the information regarding healthcare would be specifically relevant, but I still found it useful. More importantly, I had failed to check the date of publication, I saw the "3rd Edition" and thought it must be ok. Checking the publishing info showed that the book was originally published in 2006 but has since been revised and the last revision was only published this year - phew!

It is important to me not to take anything I read in a book like this as gospel. Rather, I want to have some information at my disposal and use it to help me with any questions I might have for my doctor. I also hope it will help put my mind at ease when I start worrying about any of the details along the way. For example, after I got my blood tests results back, I was able to come home to this book and look up the information it contains about the role Vitamin D plays in baby's development.

Overall, I found the book a really good first read, see below for more information. The only real gripe I had were the illustrations (pretty dated) and the use of the words "healthful" or "healthfully" - made me cringe a little each time I came across them!

What's covered in the book?
This book focuses mainly on the health aspects of pregnancy after 35, rather than focusing on week-by-week development of your baby.

It begins with an introduction which focuses on the differences between a first time pregnancy after 35 compared to a repeat pregnancy, and the effects of work at this time.

There is a lot of focus on the types of tests available for mothers and babies before, during and after pregnancy and includes lots of statistics about the occurrence of different medical conditions.

There is also quite a bit of information about how to cope during pregnancy such as dealing with discomforts, effects of medications and conditions and nutrition and weight management.

Overall, I found this book to be a great overview of a lot of information which covered almost all of the common questions that a woman considering pregnancy after 35 might consider. There were some sections that I wished were longer or more detailed, but just made a not of these to ask my doctor - or look out for these when purchasing any other books in the future.

I'll finish with a quote from the book that helped to make me feel a little more positive about my "advanced maternal age" after reading that previous magazine article!

"Today, many healthcare professionals gauge pregnancy risk 

by a woman's health status, not her age."

Get Back In The Kitchen!

I used to love cooking until I got married. Hubby is a very fussy eater and all my favourite dishes that were a hit in Aus before I moved would get suspicious stares, pleas of "I'm not really hungry" and eventually end up in the bin. Very sad as I also have a severe aversion to waste.

I ended up taking on his bad eating habits (curry, bolognese and more curry was about it, and all straight out of a jar) until I realised one day what a mess I was making of my body and that I had to take control. He could eat what he liked, but I was going to get back to eating fresh cooked home made meals.

Any time hubby even hinted that something looked interesting, usually from an advert on TV, I would make it the next week. Happy to say he now eats a lot more widely, but still refuses to eat any fruit or veg. Strictly meat and potatoes only, which seems to be a UK tradition he was raised with.

As for me, after referrals to a dietitian here in Aus and trying many different types of meal plans, we finally hit on one that worked, low carb. I was really sceptical at first as I love all those high carb, starchy things like bread, potatoes, pasta and rice. I know the fact that I recovered my long lost joy of cooking has really helped, I spend ages looking up recipes on the web, trying out low carb substitutes and so on. Usually I stick with a fairly regular plan but every now and then I need something different or a little bit of a treat.

It was hard at the beginning, but now I truly think I would like to stay low carb in the future, not just till I lose this weight. I feel so much better (after the initial fatigue in the first week or so) and the weight is slowly and steadily coming off.

I don't usually photograph my food, but thought I would share a few pictures of the some of the low carb creations I have made.

From top:

Mini Zucchini Quiche

Chicken, Bacon & Egg Salad

Muffin in a Minute Burger

Mini Lime Cheesecake

Flaxseed and Almond Meal Loaf

YUM! =]

"Pregnancy at Advanced Maternal Age"

Just picked up my first ever baby/parenting magazine - there was a cover story about being over 35 and pregnant so I couldn't pass it up!

The article talks about how 'older' mothers are becoming the norm but points out that mothers over 35 are medically described as 'pregnancy at advance maternal age.'

Made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I have taken quite a bit of reassuring from my doctor that my age isn't too much of a risk factor and here's this article pointing out all the dangers:

• higher chance of miscarriage
• nigher chance of preterm birth
• lower birth weight for baby
• increased chance of placenta praevia
• labour complications
• caesarean
• stillbirth

Plus the 'normal' high blood pressure, gestational diabetes and chromosomal abnormalities. The goes on to say, don't panic!

I just find it really unsettling to talk about increased risks for all these things but not say what that increase is. Are they talking about a 5% higher chance or a 50% higher chance? Obviously the risks have to be acknowledge so we women of advanced maternal age can consider them - but how can you make an informed decision with this kind of information? The article is apparently written by a medical professional, so I guess I was expecting a little more substance.

Goes on to say that women over 35 planning for baby should have a check up and blood tests (done), get into shape (in the process of doing) and take pregnancy vitamins for at least a couple of months before pregnancy (doing). So that goes a little way to reassure me that at least I am on the right track!

Any other 'older' mothers out there, how were the increased risks explained to you? Were they underestimated? Overstated?

The Name Game

One of the things I have read over and over about pregnancy and parenthood is that it can be really difficult for the father to really connect with the whole concept.

I have been making a huge effort over the last week or so to have little informal 'baby' conversations. usually they are prompted by something hubbys is watching (he loves his documentaries) so it is easy for me to say, "What would you do/think/say if one of our children did that?" and it gets us started.

We have talked about presents, Christmas traditions, bedtime routines, manners, religion... all sorts of things and I have a few posts planned about some of these.

Over the weekend, we started talking about names. We have quite a few criteria that we agree on, which is a good start! We both want something relatively traditional, but not necessarily common. We want 'normal' spelling! And, apparently, all we can think of are boys names...

I really like hubby's middle name, which also happens to be his dad's name. I'd love to use this name for our child, but don't want to upset my family if they feel we are favouring hubby's side. It's a name I have always liked, so not sure if I should hold on to it given the situation. I even posted about this topic on the Essential Baby forum, here.

Out of the blue, hubby also mentioned he liked the name Aaron, which I do quite like, but I can see my brother laughing about forever, as he maintains to this day that I had a secret crush on a school friend of his with this name.

Hubby had a very close relationship with his grandfather, being almost raised with him as the main male influence, and has a super old fashioned name. I like it for the meaning it has to him and hadn't thought of it in any other way till I did a google search for the name and this appeared!

Not sure I can face the thought of putting my child through the torment of being called "Ducky" or anything like that! Disappointing though, as "Don" is also part of the special code hubby and I developed to talk about ourselves after we got engaged. Maybe as a middle name it's not so bad?

The other trouble I have when it comes to names is being a teacher. There are so many students I have taught in the past that I have destroyed my ability to ever think of anyone but then when I hear certain names.

And girls' names? Well, I have no idea where to start!

A Nervy Wait...

If all of this goes according to plan, this wont be the last time I am nervously waiting for test results! I suppose I should get used to it.

Had my pre-pregnancy blood/urine tests yesterday. I was surprised by how much blood they had to take for all the tests. I had no idea there was a urine test to go with it so I had to drop that back later in the day. So now I have to wait 3-4 days for the results. Hubby wants to go with me and so that means waiting till next Friday.

I'm suddenly really worried about all the things that they might find with these tests, I even had a moment of panic last night thinking they would tell me I had cancer. This then widened to a fear that I would find out about something, anything, that would mean I can have children at all.

I mentioned to hubby that I was a bit worried about all this and he said, "I don't think you have given this enough thought. If you are worrying now, what are you going to be like when there is an actual baby to worry about?"

So yes, this could very well be the beginning of a lifetime of worry! Am doing school work to keep myself occupied, and the heat (it's 36 here at 11am in the morning, heading for 43) is certainly giving me something else to think about!

What do you do to keep your mind occupied while waiting for test results, or to stop you worrying in general?

The Next Step

Our pre-conception appointment on Friday went pretty well. I was a little worried at first at how hubby was going to be, an appointment like this makes everything seem a little more 'real' but he was fine and jumped right in with the questions.

Before anything else, here is what my doctor had to say in response to our prepared questions:

How long after removal of my implant is it possible to fall pregnant? Same day! So we need to consider this carefully.

What effect will the painkillers I have been taking have on a baby? Not good, so I need to stay off them and stick with the TENS machine. If this doesn't work, we'll need to re-consider what treatment I am receiving. 

Do I need to consider alternative pain management while trying to conceive or when pregnant? As above.

How long should we ‘try’ before scheduling another appointment? Didn't really get into this, at this stage she sees no reason to worry about this.

What prenatal vitamins does she recommend? When should I begin taking them? I'll be seeing her again next week after my blood test results come back and we'll talk about this then.

What can hubby do to help? (e.g. vitamins of his own, etc) Stop smoking and stress less, best advice she could give at the moment =]

Am I at risk for any problems? Do I need to take any specific precautions? I was told the the two biggest risks to me are gestational diabetes and high blood pressure, which may or may not go away after the pregnancy. For the baby, the said the risks are not so high at this point that I should be concerned.

How can I safely continue weightloss? (diet, exercise, etc) Stick with what I am doing now and we will re-assess if/when we are successful. This was reassuring, she also mentioned that there are some women who actually lose weight during pregnancy (not counting on that!) and that it was important not to 'eat for two.'

Are all my immunisations up to date? If not, what do I need and when? Will this mean we have to wait before trying to conceive? I am having a full blood test on Monday to answer these questions and then we will go from there.

Are there any health problems or conditions I should take care of before trying to conceive? Again, blood tests should indicate any concerns here.

What effect could my back injury have on trying to conceive or during pregnancy? Possible, but at this stage not likely to cause any issues.

Given my back injury, what impact might being pregnant have on my ability to continue working? Possible, but at this stage not likely to cause any issues.

What can hubby and I do to increase the chances of getting pregnant? Didn't get to this, but will be asking when tests are back.

Overall, the appointment was really positive. I felt at the time that she didn't take my worries about the effects of my age seriously, but she was trying to point out to me that with medical care as it is these days, there is no reason that things shouldn't go well for us.

It was really good to be able to voice some of our deepest fears (problems for me, for baby, not being able to conceive, etc) and to have them answered in a sensible, logical way.

The plan now is this. I have a full blood test Monday, results by end of the week. At that appointment, we discuss anything that has shown up in the results. If all is good, I start taking my vitamins and book in to have my implant removed and we get on with it. If not, we address each thing as it needs to be.

Needless to say, hubby and I have had a LOT of interesting conversations over the last few days. Stay tuned for more!

Why is it...?

This is basically how I feel today! Hopefully I join the 'club' soon enough =]

Why do you even WANT a baby?

I am really hoping to get some feedback here. My hubby asks me this question every now and then and sometimes I find that I can’t answer him. “I just do,” isn’t really an acceptable answer.

Last night, the conversation got quite intense. He thinks that the fact I want a baby means I am unhappy with our life together, that he is not enough for me, that I need someone else to complete my life. That without a child I feel as though we are not a real family. I asked him if he thought he met every need I have, he said no. I asked him if he thought he should be able to fill all of my needs, he wasn't sure, but he seemed to think that if he was a 'good' husband, that he should be able to do this. 

I asked him if he thought I fulfilled all his needs, purposely asking about the things that he prefers to do with other men rather than me (watching football, talking about football, and so on). I found his answer interesting. He likes doing those things with others, but needs to do them with me too. If I do something else while he is watching football, even if I am sitting next to him reading, he feels like I am not giving him the attention I should. I think one book I read referred to this as "Recreational Intimacy."

He voiced the thought that if we don't have a baby, by choice or through fertility issues, that he doesn't think he alone would be enough to make me happy and that I would end up resentful, unhappy and depressed for the rest of my life.

It was quite hard to explain to him that the love I have for him is different to the need I have for a baby and the love I would have for that child. I don't think I managed to express it in a way he understood - to him, love is love.

He often talks of 'giving' me a baby and I think that is part of it. I feel as though bearing his child is the greatest gift I could give him. He sees it as something I am doing for myself. In some ways it is a little selfish of me, I want my life to be worth more than the things I have, I want the value or quality of my life to be measured by the people I love and the love they have for me.

For those of you that have children, why did you want them? Now that you have them, has that want been fulfilled? How would you answer this question?