The day she arrived

The morning of our c-section I was beside myself. We had packed everything well in advance as I had been worried about reduced fetal movements a couple of times so there was a chance, in my mind at least, that we might not make it to delivery day. Our pre-admission appointment was for 11.30 and my lovely aunt dropped us off just in time. In less than an hour we had been through all the checks and tests and I was told that I was the first on the list. By the time I was in the bed, waiting to be wheeled around I was sobbing uncontrollably, I couldn't believe we were here and I still had the horrible feeling of something going terribly wrong. It was either going to be me or her, I just couldn't imagine both of us being ok.

I had to go through on my own while they administered the spinal block. That was honestly the most painful part of the procedure as the junior doctor was having huge trouble finding the gap between my vertebra and kept hitting the bone. In the end the senior anesthetist had to do it. By this time I was close to a full blown panic attack and the nurses were trying to calm me as my blood pressure was skyrocketing and my heart rate was so high. When the block finally worked, I have never felt such an odd sensation. I can't even really find the words to describe it. But at that point, all I wanted was for hubby to come in. Meanwhile, he was waiting outside alone and starting to wonder what had gone wrong as he was waiting so long.

Thankfully once they began all the chattering in room (I never realised just how many people are required for a surgery such as this!) settled to busy noise and I just couldn't take my eyes off hubby's face. I'll never forget the look of horror on his face when I asked him if he could smell something burning. "Uh, yeah. They're cutting you..." And then, in what seemed like no time, our perfect little girl was out. They held her up for us to see before whisking her off to be cleaned up a little. Hubby had been sure he wouldn't cut the cord, but in the emotion of it all he was only too eagre.

I can't even begin to put words to the feeling of seeing our little girl for the first time and knowing that she was ours to hold. I know I cried for the longest time, first fear that she would be ok and not need to go to special care, then relief when they brought her over to us and then joy as I got to touch her tiny face and hands. Although I couldn't really move, the nurses freed my hand so that I could caress her and hubby held her safe on my chest.

To say I couldn't believe it was real is not as cliche as it sounds. I still have moments, most recently yesterday while feeding her, that I suddenly think this is all some kind of fantasy I have made up and she can't possibly be here, in my arms. I spent the first 24 hours or so waiting for someone to come and tell us that something was wrong with her, but every test they did was perfect. As during pregnancy, she was fine, it was me with the problems! But that's a story for another day...

Pregnancy, Childbirth and Superstition

My last post, regarding buying for a baby you have yet to conceive, was by far my most viewed so far. The thread I started on Essential Baby asking if others had done the same received more replies than any other thread I have started - and not all of them positive.

Of course, posting for feedback on a public forum is not about having people agree with you; I was genuinely interested to find out if others buy for baby when trying to conceive, and if not, why not.

The thing I was amazed to find was just how many women, who would normally claim to be sane and rational (I guess!), were writing about not wanting to jinx their yet-to-be child, or covering or hiding items that they had bought.

While there are obviously some things you could surround yourself with that would jeopardise your chances of conceiving, I'm thinking chemical cleaners, chain smokers and the like, I find it hard to believe that buying that adorable onesie you see, buying a beloved children's book and so on could possibly have any impact on whether you do, or do not, end up with a baby in your arms.

I suppose part of the reason is that there is still something so awe inspiring about the act of creating new life. Even though we now scientifically understand how the process occurs, there are still so many unknowns, so many outcomes that science and medicine cannot predict or alter, that there is still an air of mystery surrounding conception and pregnancy.

I know there are far more practical reasons people choose to abstain from buying, mostly based on previous painful experiences or miscarriage, stillbirth or years of inability to conceive and these I feel are entirely justified. I am sure that if hubby and I are still TTC in another 2 or 3 years, let alone the 10 or more some EB posters wrote about, that I will feel much differently towards the little box of baby treasures than I do now.

But the sense I got from most comments was the fear that buying too many baby things before there is a baby to buy for is inviting trouble, that it almost guarantees failure. Even posters who had been given items from family members seemed to feel almost guilty about having them, pointing out that the items were in a spare room, still in their boxes or hidden out in a shed somewhere.

I have to say, if I had been any younger, some of these responses would have terrified me. I was almost made to feel that I was arrogant for presuming that I would ever have a 'take home baby' as though this is a blessing bestowed on a rare few, rather than the most natural thing a woman can hope for. I was given the impression that by buying these things I was likely to have years of TTC failure ahead of me, but that if maybe I hadn't bought them, things would be different. As it is, I am old enough to know better.

I was really intrigued by the insight into the way other women think and feel when trying to conceive and am thankful for people sharing. I will continue to ask questions and learn from the experience of those who have gone down the road to motherhood before me, and to share the TTC journey with those who are also following that path.

I am sure that I will be buying more, you'll probably see the evidence posted here, and I prefer to view this from the complete opposite perspective. One of the best ways to boost my chances of having that baby in my arms to to remain positive, as stress free as I can, and buying these things - for now at least - makes me feel wonderfully warm inside and full of amazement at the journey hubby and I are embarking on =]