The day she arrived

The morning of our c-section I was beside myself. We had packed everything well in advance as I had been worried about reduced fetal movements a couple of times so there was a chance, in my mind at least, that we might not make it to delivery day. Our pre-admission appointment was for 11.30 and my lovely aunt dropped us off just in time. In less than an hour we had been through all the checks and tests and I was told that I was the first on the list. By the time I was in the bed, waiting to be wheeled around I was sobbing uncontrollably, I couldn't believe we were here and I still had the horrible feeling of something going terribly wrong. It was either going to be me or her, I just couldn't imagine both of us being ok.

I had to go through on my own while they administered the spinal block. That was honestly the most painful part of the procedure as the junior doctor was having huge trouble finding the gap between my vertebra and kept hitting the bone. In the end the senior anesthetist had to do it. By this time I was close to a full blown panic attack and the nurses were trying to calm me as my blood pressure was skyrocketing and my heart rate was so high. When the block finally worked, I have never felt such an odd sensation. I can't even really find the words to describe it. But at that point, all I wanted was for hubby to come in. Meanwhile, he was waiting outside alone and starting to wonder what had gone wrong as he was waiting so long.

Thankfully once they began all the chattering in room (I never realised just how many people are required for a surgery such as this!) settled to busy noise and I just couldn't take my eyes off hubby's face. I'll never forget the look of horror on his face when I asked him if he could smell something burning. "Uh, yeah. They're cutting you..." And then, in what seemed like no time, our perfect little girl was out. They held her up for us to see before whisking her off to be cleaned up a little. Hubby had been sure he wouldn't cut the cord, but in the emotion of it all he was only too eagre.

I can't even begin to put words to the feeling of seeing our little girl for the first time and knowing that she was ours to hold. I know I cried for the longest time, first fear that she would be ok and not need to go to special care, then relief when they brought her over to us and then joy as I got to touch her tiny face and hands. Although I couldn't really move, the nurses freed my hand so that I could caress her and hubby held her safe on my chest.

To say I couldn't believe it was real is not as cliche as it sounds. I still have moments, most recently yesterday while feeding her, that I suddenly think this is all some kind of fantasy I have made up and she can't possibly be here, in my arms. I spent the first 24 hours or so waiting for someone to come and tell us that something was wrong with her, but every test they did was perfect. As during pregnancy, she was fine, it was me with the problems! But that's a story for another day...

38 weeks

So the tracker I have been using for this blog conveniently stops at 37 weeks - thankfully the amazing babysizer.com was there to help me out! I wish I had known about this site earlier, a lovely mix of the factual and the slightly odd :)

The day I thought would never come has arrived. In the next 24 hours our little girl will be in my arms - unbelievable. I've been completely overwhelmed and it is no exaggeration to say that my anxiety has been worse in the last two weeks than at almost any point in the pregnancy.

Christmas Eve saw us watching the carols and baby was wiggling around like crazy. I suddenly had a complete meltdown, imagining this was the last time I felt her move, and I could see the entire thing playing out in my head from the ambulance to the heart-rending wailing... it was just so vivid. It took me a while to calm down and hubby was amazingly supportive. Part of what upset me so much in the end was that I could imagine losing our little one so easily, and so vividly, but I can't keep a clear picture in my mind of her being here with us.  He then decided that maybe there were too many babies on the carols and a dose of Die Hard was what we needed to get through Christmas Eve.

We ended up awake well into Christmas Day and hubby took some lovely pictures of me and the bump in front of the tree, her first Christmas as he said and he wanted to have photos to remember it.

A few more appointments helped the time pass and hearing her tiny heart pounding away during the CTG was enough to keep me going.

Then New Year's Eve. In talking about this last night I'm not surprised that the two big dates set me off. After all, we are missing our babies that could have been with us, and trying to focus on the one who IS with us - it's all a bit overwhelming really. Hubby said some lovely things about having our little girl with us to celebrate the New Year and gave both of us a kiss which set of tears of a completely different kind.

The bags are packed, the house is ready and now we wait. We have a quiet night planned tonight, before our world completely changes tomorrow.  Thank you to everyone who has followed and supported me on this journey through this blog, it has meant a lot to me.

I'll be back soon to post about the next chapter in our journey xx