Christmas Memories

Christmas past

Once again, on this Christmas Day just passed, I was reminded of those people who truly empathise and try to understand what my husband and I are going through, and those who just carry on oblivious to the reality of our world.

I received beautiful cards, messages and meaningful gifts in our babies' honour from four people (and one lovely soul here on my blog). Memorial charms, gorgeous symbolic earrings, heartfelt words in a card, a donation to SANDS in their honour... to know that these few people understood that Christmas would be a tough day for us made it a little easier to bear.

On the other had I had people asking why we weren't attending family Christmas, choosing instead to spend the day on our own. People asking if we had "a great Christmas" or if we had "enjoyed" our day. Depending who these inquiries came from I was able either to give a short, sweet answer... or just stare in disbelief that they had asked such a thing.

I know there are many others out there who struggle with the loss of a loved one at this time of year, no matter the age they were. For us, it was also the first Christmas without my grandfather who was very much the centre of events at family gatherings, taking the role of Santa to hand out the gifts.

Maybe next year, instead of asking people to remember my babies with me (and being disappointed when they don't) I'll try to ask for people to be gentle with the hearts of all those they know who are missing someone special at Christmas.

Christmas Wishes

5 Ways to honor the child your friend lost this Christmas

If you have been keeping up with this blog you will have noticed that the posts recently are few and far between. This article almost perfectly explains why...

By Kristi Bothur

If you are a mom, you know that something about Christmas changes when you have a child. Even before your little ones are old enough to understand anything about the meaning of Christmas, there is enough different about this time of year for them to take notice. The lights, decorations, and music make for a whole different level of fun and wonder exclusive to the month of December. And you remember these feelings even as a grown-up.

That is one reason why the holidays are so hard for someone who has lost a child, whether in pregnancy, infancy, or any other stage of life. She remembers what Christmas was like in previous years, even as a child. She imagines what Christmas would have been like this year. She thinks about whose faces would have been in the Christmas family picture. She contemplates what presents she would have bought or how she might have announced her pregnancy in her Christmas card this year.

But these things won’t be happening, and so she pastes a fake smile on her face for the times when she has to go out into the Christmas bustle and she holes up at home as much as she can for the rest of the time. It takes energy to grieve, and energy to hide your grief, and that makes the holiday season exhausting. For many bereaved parents, the top of their Christmas wish list is to just survive the season and start over on January 1.

Do you have a friend going through Christmas without one or more of her children?
You can’t say or do or give anything that will fix your friend’s pain. It is too great, too deep, too rooted in love, for anything to fix. But you can say or give or do something that will soften the sharp edge of grief and help her feel less alone.
Here are five things you can do to bless her this year. (And no, I’m not forgetting the dad. But I am assuming that most of you reading this are women reaching out to a female friend, so the focus is “her”… although they are great tips for dads as well.)

1. Gift her with understanding.

If she chooses not to decorate, or not to attend a party, or not to participate in a family gathering, give her a break. Don’t even raise an eyebrow about it. There will be other years. She needs to take care of herself right now without any guilt or pressure from friends and family. Don’t give her advice or tell her how she should be feeling or even point out all the blessings in her life. Just be there with her and for her. That is what she needs.

2. Gift her with something that remembers her child.

A memorial ornament or jewelry is great this time of year. Don’t wonder if she will like it or if she already has one. Trust me, you can’t have too many. If you know her child’s name, include it. If your church offers poinsettias in honor or in memory of someone, purchase one and let her know. Or do it at her church, even if you don’t attend there.

3. Gift her with something that will help her heal.

But be careful with this. Even if you have walked this path, what helped you heal may not help her, so offer it with gentle humility. Some ideas might be a book for a bereaved parent, or a CD with music that could comfort, or even a gift card for dinner out. If you know of a local support group, tell her about it. Offer to go with her.

4. Gift her by blessing someone else in the name of her child.

It can be “adopting” a child through Angel Tree or even a longer commitment through a group like World Vision or Samaritan’s Purse. If the family has set up a memorial fund in their child’s name, donate to it or to another ministry in her child’s memory. If there is a local outreach to other bereaved parents, like Naomi’s Circle Mommy to Mommy Outreach, find out how you can donate or help this cause. It is a wonderful gift to know your child’s existence has encouraged someone else to make a positive difference in the world.

5. Gift her by not forgetting.

Tell her, out loud or in a card or e-mail, that you are thinking of her child as the holidays approach. Especially if this is her first Christmas since her child’s death, but even if it isn’t. I am five years out from my first loss, my daughter Naomi. I am five days out from my most recent pregnancy loss. This time of year, I miss them both the same, and the other three I lost between them. Don’t worry about making her sad by “reminding” her that her child died. You won’t. You will be letting them know someone else remembers.

Whatever you do for your friend this Christmas, don’t do nothing. Don’t ignore her loss and grief for the sake of holiday pleasantness. Let her know that she and her child are not forgotten and that her child’s life made a difference in in yours. More than anything, that will help make this a Christmas that she wants to remember.

Are you or someone you love grieving a lost child this holiday season? What additional advice do you have?

Found: http://columbiasc.citymomsblog.com/5-ways-to-honor-the-child-your-friend-lost-this-christmas/ 

The results are in...

All our tests are back and the results are all clear. Which is great, but has left me feeling a little more lost. There's nothing in any result so far to suggest a reason for our recurrent early losses.

I'm also struggling with the fact that yesterday should have been my last day of work before beginning maternity leave following the school holidays. All our losses have had an impact, but the little one that I carried the longest has left the biggest mark. I look at all the growing tummies and beautiful babies that are posted on my instagram feed every day. I am so happy for these lovely ladies and their families, but there are times when it just hurts so much.

I cried all the way home in the car. The day had been ok, I thought I would manage, but as the final bell rang and everyone started calling, "See you in two weeks!" it all hit home. Yep, I'd be back in two weeks, not finally getting started on the nursery, the hospital bag or all those countless other things that women on maternity leave apparently get up to.

I'm also getting a little tired of people telling me not to worry and that it'll be our turn soon. Maybe it will, but should that make the pain of loss any less? And what if it isn't? What if further tests show that we are one of those statistically infertile couples? Then what platitudes will these people offer?

So what's next? Our lovely new doctor has referred our case to the local hospital clinic. Unfortunately, having no private health insurance, we just wait to hear back from them regarding an appointment. She feels that they may bump us up the queue as we were there for the miscarriage. Alternatively, if we do fall pregnant again before then, they'll see us immediately.

We know that's not going to be any time soon, due to the recent arrival of AF. Right on time as usual. It sounds so bizarre to say, but I knew I wasn't pregnant this time. I'm starting to get a bit of an idea of what my body feels like in the days after around 7DPO when I am pregnant, and I felt none of that this time. As usual I held out a little hope, everyone says that every pregnancy is different, so there's always a chance... but it wasn't to be. So roll on April.

We didn't even talk this year about not trying during April to avoid a Christmas baby. Looking back on all those conversations, even though we kept trying in the end anyway, just seems so frivolous. If the choice came down to no baby, or a baby born around Christmas, I know what I would choose. A child in our home, in our arms, would be the greatest gift of all.

Craftiness!

One of the things keeping me sane during this troubled time is my craft, I have posted about it before. I have my very first market coming up this weekend, so thought I would take the chance to share some of the creations I'll be hoping to sell =)