The results are in...

All our tests are back and the results are all clear. Which is great, but has left me feeling a little more lost. There's nothing in any result so far to suggest a reason for our recurrent early losses.

I'm also struggling with the fact that yesterday should have been my last day of work before beginning maternity leave following the school holidays. All our losses have had an impact, but the little one that I carried the longest has left the biggest mark. I look at all the growing tummies and beautiful babies that are posted on my instagram feed every day. I am so happy for these lovely ladies and their families, but there are times when it just hurts so much.

I cried all the way home in the car. The day had been ok, I thought I would manage, but as the final bell rang and everyone started calling, "See you in two weeks!" it all hit home. Yep, I'd be back in two weeks, not finally getting started on the nursery, the hospital bag or all those countless other things that women on maternity leave apparently get up to.

I'm also getting a little tired of people telling me not to worry and that it'll be our turn soon. Maybe it will, but should that make the pain of loss any less? And what if it isn't? What if further tests show that we are one of those statistically infertile couples? Then what platitudes will these people offer?

So what's next? Our lovely new doctor has referred our case to the local hospital clinic. Unfortunately, having no private health insurance, we just wait to hear back from them regarding an appointment. She feels that they may bump us up the queue as we were there for the miscarriage. Alternatively, if we do fall pregnant again before then, they'll see us immediately.

We know that's not going to be any time soon, due to the recent arrival of AF. Right on time as usual. It sounds so bizarre to say, but I knew I wasn't pregnant this time. I'm starting to get a bit of an idea of what my body feels like in the days after around 7DPO when I am pregnant, and I felt none of that this time. As usual I held out a little hope, everyone says that every pregnancy is different, so there's always a chance... but it wasn't to be. So roll on April.

We didn't even talk this year about not trying during April to avoid a Christmas baby. Looking back on all those conversations, even though we kept trying in the end anyway, just seems so frivolous. If the choice came down to no baby, or a baby born around Christmas, I know what I would choose. A child in our home, in our arms, would be the greatest gift of all.

Hopes on hold

If you have been following my blog, you will know that last week I got my first BFP. You might have also read that I was concerned about the test lines getting lighter rather than darker and this indicated a possible chemical pregnancy.

Unfortunately our fears have been realised and our hopes for extending our little family are on hold.

I chose not to test on Saturday and just to the best to enjoy a day off with hubby. By then, AF was 3 days late and I started spotting. Only once or twice throughout the day, but enough to convince me that I had lost my little Pea. Sunday morning arrived with no further spotting, so I took the chance and poas again. Complete, total, BFN. I wondered if it could be a faulty test, but the simplest explanation is usually the correct one and that afternoon AF arrived with full force. In fact, I would go so far as to say she arrived with more vengeance than usual.

Hubby took one look at me when he arrived home and just knew. He said all the right things, again, about taking it more seriously, smoking less, taking his vitamins, giving it a real go when the time was right... and as comforting as that was, I have heard it all before. The one thing he did point out is that it proves we can get pregnant, which is a huge positive after 5 months trying. He also said he was a little sad, but he is a very cautious person and hadn't got his hopes too high in the first place.

I thought after a bit of a cry and a good night's sleep I would be good to go, but I was wrong. School started back Monday morning and I thought I would be ok, but the pain and the cramps were unlike anything I have ever had before. I can usually get through AF with nothing more than a heat pack, this time, not even the painkillers were helping. I had been to see my Assistant Principal first thing to tell her what had happened, just to ask to be excused from after school meetings this week. She said she didn't think I should be at school, I thought I would be ok. I had to go back 30 minutes later, just before the bell for the start of school, to tell her that she was right after all. 

I was lucky enough to get an appointment with my GP right away. She was very supportive and wrote me a referral to a gynecologist as soon as she saw our 6 months was up. That's a bit scary in itself. She also talked a bit about what else she thought we could do, but wanted me to come back on Thursday with hubby as planned to talk in more detail. She gave me 3 days off work, but said she would make it the week if I felt by Thursday that I needed it. I'm tempted.

At this stage, AF had been around for 3 days and is as strong as ever. This is unusual for me as I usually only have 1 day of truly heavy flow, with 2 or 3 medium and 1 or 2 days light at the end. The cramping is ridiculous and I'm just generally feeling like I have been hit by a bus. The doctor also mentioned that it would take a while for my hormones to settle down. 

So, we wait another month. And we keep hoping.