13 Weeks

So now we have reached 13w3d! Every day is another step closer and that's what I keep reminding myself. Today our baby is still with us and that has to be enough.

After my little scare on Monday I was thrilled to get my progesterone results back yesterday, 171! 53.4! Amazing! It's looking more likely that the placenta has well and truly kicked in as I had only been on the extra 400mg of progesterone for 2 days when this test was taken. On hearing the result our specialist was thrilled and wants me to drop down 200mg for the week and we will test again next week. If all is well, I'll drop 200mg a week until I am off.

Having heard that news, my anxiety then switched to the next available target - Monday. Monday is a big day for us. We are having our big 12 week (but almost 14 week) scan, redrawing for the NIPT and then in the afternoon I have my first midwife appointment which means going back to the hospital again. I am so scared of having to see that previous specialist again - I can't get it out of my head! I'm also a little worried that I won't have the results of that morning's scan to take with me, but my GP didn't seem to think that was a big deal.

I finally remembered to get my blood pressure taken again, back to 130/80 which is exactly normal for me. This was good news after my high reading at the previous hospital appointment with the high risk registrar.

Apart from that, the next question will be how much longer I can put off telling family. My little bump is obvious to me (I can feel it in the way all my clothes are starting to feel so snug!) but it's winter so jumpers and jackets and my natural 'padding' go a long way to hiding it, most of the time. It's just that weekly visit to my nan that has me worried! Nothing escapes her! I'm also really starting to feel that I want people to know about our baby. I want to be able to tell people about their grandchild, niece or nephew, or cousin, I really want people to acknowledge that this little one exists...but I also break out in a cold sweat thinking about it! The other thing that worries me is people thinking that suddenly our other babies don't matter, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I overheard someone talking in the supermarket about having two children under 2 years old and thought, 'That could have been me.' Needless to say tears soon followed.

As much as I am in love with the little one growing inside me, nothing will ever take the place of the babies we have loved before and lost.

12 Weeks

Week 12 has been an absolute rollercoaster. All the anxiety, all the time.

It started with a call from our specialists office to say that she was away sick, but our NIPT came back as 'no result' and that we would have to do another blood draw at 14 weeks. We booked this in for the same day as our 13 week scan. Then I started obsessing about all the reasons that we might have no result, maybe something is wrong with baby/placenta/my blood... and so on. We did a lot of reading over the next few hours and found that although they can do the test from 10 weeks (I had been 11w2d) they recommend at least 12-13 weeks. So I managed to calm down a little.

The following day I received a call from our specialist. She saw our 'no result' and knew that wouldn't be good enough for us, so she actually called the testing centre to find out more details. Apparently they don't report an official result unless more than 4% fetal DNA is found, and they only had 3.2% from me. However, of everything they did find, all the chromosomes were perfectly balanced, giving us a low risk result! Fantastic news! They also told us the gender of our little one, but I am not ready to share that just yet! We will still have the second blood draw done to confirm, but this really put us at ease.

I had also had my weekly progesterone test that morning and was anxiously awaiting the result. I just wanted it to be higher than the previous high result, and above 30. I didn't hear anything on Friday and then found out this was because my GP was on leave. AAAHHH! So I spent the weekend looking up everything there was to know about progesterone. So much so that I'm going to write a whole post dedicated to this troublesome hormone.

Monday school was back and I still hadn't heard. I confided in our acting AP that I was expecting a call and that depending on the result I may have to leave. She immediately told me to be sure to do whatever I need to do. So the call came through and my progesterone was only 28.25. I couldn't believe it. I was expecting a higher result as surely the placenta has taken over by now? I tried to call my specliast but she was in a meeting. Hearing how distressed I was, her lovely office booked us in for a scan and appointment with her for that afternoon.

Once again, bubba wriggled for us as soon as we saw the image on the screen. The relief I felt was immense. Hubby was lost for words, just watching our little jelly bean wriggle around. A healthy heartbeat and a growing placenta assured us that all was well. The specialist then added a midday dose to my progesterone regime (now 1200mg) and also recommended that I start taking vitamin D as my levels were low and this can affect progesterone in the body. Who knew?!

So I am off work for the rest of the week, after only being at school for one day. I don't even feel bad, although I know there will be so much for me to catch up on when I return. All I know is our little one is hanging in there and I want to give this the best chance I can.

Scan update!

That's our baby's heartbeat! A visual representation of the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. 156bmp which is right around the average for 11 weeks (150bpm).

We were told we would have a 'quick scan' before the NIPT to make sure that the pregnancy was still 'viable'- we weren't expecting such a detailed scan! We were in there for well over 10 minutes, for us this an eternity compared to scans in our last pregnancy.

The moment we saw the image baby did a little wiggle and kept wiggling for the first few minutes. It was amazing the amount of detail we could see compared to last time and hubby was truly in awe of the little person he could see on the screen. He's also convinced it's a boy, but promises he wont be too disappointed if it's a girl!

I also found out that my cervix is measuring 3.7cm which is good (anything over 3 they said at this stage) which was a relief as I'd had a nightmare the night before that it was less an two and shrinking as we watched on the screen.

I also found out that I have an anterior placenta, which means that I probably wont feel baby move until about 20 weeks according to the sonographer.  I was considering getting a doppler but thought I'd be able to hold out till feeling movement at 16 weeks or so, but I don't think I can wait that long so we might actually look into it. I know anterior placenta can interfere with that too, so a little more research is on the cards!

We were recommended to have the Percept test rather than Harmony or Panorama due to a higher accuracy with older/higher BMI women. It is also an Australian based test and we are expecting the results in 3-5 days, so should know by the end of next week.

I was just about ready to relax and actually think about the future of this little one, when my GP called the clinic during our appointment with our latest progesterone results. Having been on 800mg for the last week, I was expecting a nice high number, but it was actually lower than my last result, 88 rather than 105. They assured me that this was fine, still within the normal range, and was probably because I had taken the test much later in the day than normal. I'm going to make sure I go as close to the same time as possible each week now!

We have almost decided to tell family after we get our results back. I am happy with that decision, at the moment! I actually really wanted to call my dad today, but decided that a few more days wont hurt!

11 Weeks

11w1d...amazing.

I am still not convinced that the scan tomorrow will go well and I am getting a little tired of people (GP and hubby) trying to calm me. I don't really need reassurances, I need to be allowed to explain how I am feeling and what I am thinking.

I also feel a little like my anxiety is just being explained away as a result of our past losses, rather than being offered any help or ideas for how to cope with it. I tried to explain to my GP yesterday that I was having trouble sleeping and that I just can't imagine that everything will be ok tomorrow, and she just said, "Well, you know that from past experience."

This is once huge area where I feel I've been let down repeatedly. My first GP who knew I had a history of depression didn't even mention anything after our first loss. After our second I had to ask her about seeing someone. Our new GP seems to think that because I can talk about it, I can handle it. Even when we were sitting in the hospital this year, just having found out that our baby had no heartbeat and being asked how we wanted to proceed, no one even offered us a piece of paper with support services listed, and how hard could that be?

I keep trying to tell myself that everything seems to be going well. I have had no real cramping and no spotting or bleeding. When I say no real cramping, I have had some weird stretching/pressure pains low down in my pelvis and from what I could explain my physio seems to think that it's pelvic girdle pain. I have still been feeling super tired, partly from not sleeping well and also because I haven't had my normal mid-afternoon nap the last couple of days - to try and help me sleep at night! My always low level nausea flared up for a couple of days but has died right down again, as long as I eat at least something small every couple of hours I am ok. My skin is going dry, something I have never had in all my life. Other than that I am increasingly forgetful (I put it down to fatigue) and emotional. The last ridiculous thing I got teary over was an old episode of Stargate!

I just want to stop analyzing everything but I also know that this isn't likely. I'll go to the scan tomorrow and if everything is fine, I'll be ok for a couple of days and then I'll start worrying about what we'll see on the next scan.

Family announcements

I have written previously about having three work colleagues announce their pregnancies, all due within two weeks of each other, and the toll that this took. I also mentioned at the time that I didn't know how I would cope if it came to a family member announcing their pregnancy. Now I know.

Last year my aunty publicly announced that my cousin was expecting her first. Thank goodness I wasn't able to attend the function (for a completely unrelated celebration) as I am sure that no one would have thought to 'warn' me ahead of time. That was horrendous, especially coming just before the first anniversary of one of our losses, and the only way I have been able to cope was to 'hide' my cousin and aunty from my Facebook as they live too far away to see face to face. I still have to manage people wanting to tell me all about how wonderful and gorgeous her little boy is, which I am sure is all true, but I just can't bear it myself. She's much younger than me and hadn't even been married a year when her little one was born. I remember thinking at the time that I could just about handle that, as we had never been incredibly close (due to age and geographic location!) but I was dreading finding out that my much closer cousin was expecting.

I just found out yesterday.

I have to say, it wasn't a surprise. I had actually been thinking about her most of the morning, wondering if they were trying, and so on. When I visited my nan she started with the rather formal, "I've been asked to tell you something" and I thought I was about to get a telling off for something I had or hadn't said to my mum (guilty conscience?) Instead, she told me that my cousin was expecting and is currently 13 weeks. I was ok until she said that she'd been asked to tell me so that I wasn't alone when I got the news, as they knew it would make me sad. Then I cried.

Then I tried to explain, through tears and hugs, that I'm sot 'sad' but a whole lot of other things. And that I am genuinely happy for my cousin but that it just makes me that much more aware of what we have lost.

I almost wanted to tell her, "So am I!" but as we have decided to wait I managed to bite my tongue. I did remind my nan that my cousin's baby would be her 4th great-grandchild. It felt important that she know that (even though technically 6th, but they only know about 3 of our 5 losses).

The pain I feel is completely different now to what I expected. She's due just 3 weeks before me. I feel even more certain now that something is going to cause me to lose this baby and it's going to ruin me because unlike the other cousin on the other side of the family, this cousin I see 5 or 6 times a year and for every major holiday and family birthday. There is already a little underlying... jealousy I suppose is the word, for how apparently perfect her life has been and this would just top it off.

Part of me knows that thinking this way is irrational, yet after all our past experiences I just can't imagine having a baby of my own to hold. I suppose only time will tell. Truth be told, I am nervous about visiting my nan over the next few weeks as my cousin often pops in at the same time. I just don't think I can face that at the moment.

10 weeks!

It's so hard to believe as I write this that I am 10w2d and everything is looking good. I still can't get my head around it, but then, I am not really trying to. It's easier to keep it in the background, rather than focus on it too much. Even that is easier said than done.

I have just had the results of my weekly progesterone and hcg test. My progesterone has risen to 32.5 (104 in the 'old' scale) which, finally, is the over 30 I was expecting to see all along. I have had to double my dose though, so I am now on 400mg twice a day. At the moment I am using two 200mg pessaries morning and night, which is incredibly uncomfortable but at $17 a day I don't want them to go to waste!

My hcg was 108,000 last week and 99,000 this week. It is normal for it to drop starting now and my GP was happy that this was just a small drop and nothing to worry about, she'd only worry if it was down by half. She also doesn't want me to have it tested next week (it was the specialist who suggested it) and I agree. At this point, it isn't telling us much about baby so I don't need the extra numbers to stress about! I have already spent the morning thinking that maybe baby died in the past day or two and it has only just started dropping and that's why it wasn't half yet... PAL is so full of anxiety!

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We still haven't told anyone about this baby except for one or two close friends and I almost feel like the longer this pregnancy continues the harder it gets. For example, I was considering telling my parents if today's results came back ok. Now I am thinking that I should wait until after our scan next week in case anything happens in the meantime. But then we are having the Harmony test done the same day and I know I will want to wait until after that comes back... It just goes on.

I know when it does come to telling that there will be so much angst, and I am having a hard enough time coping on my own, let alone dealing with all of that. After the "Why didn't you tell us sooner?" will come the, "Are you eating/drinking/resting enough?" and the constant checking up. Worse than that will be the platitudes that things will be different this time, or I just have to keep positive and so on. I know that I wont be able to respond to those sorts of comments lightly, because NO ONE knows how things will turn out this time and telling me YOU think it will is really no help at all.

I suppose the biggest problem is that I know the kind of support I need, and I know it is not the kind they can give. I need low key, check in every now and then, how are you going in general kind of support, not obsessive calling or messaging every day, questioning every appointment and decision and wanting to be around me all the time. We don't have that type of relationship normally and it frustrates me when they expect that to change all of a sudden. 

I also guess it is a lot to do with the lack of support in our losses. I know everyone thinks they are doing the right thing, or doing their best, but again, they're not listening to what WE need. For example, I repeatedly said after our most recent loss that I wasn't going to be calling people, but if they wanted to talk to us, call me and I would answer if I could. Pretty clear I would have thought. Yet my mum has only called once in the last month, and that was to tell me about something that had happened to someone else. Still, every time I see my grandmother she asks me if I have called my mum yet...

Next week is full of baby related appointments. GP on Wednesday for more progesterone, weekly blood test on Thursday and harmony test on Friday. They give us a quick scan before, just to make sure baby is ok before we pay for the test! If I can make it to Friday I might be able to breathe a little easier.

As the days go by

 
Every day is a new experience, we have never been this far in a pregnancy before. As exciting as you might think this is, for me it just increases my anxiety around how I will cope if things don't turn out.

The past Wednesday was a challenge, as I had to return to the same hospital and clinic as our last pregnancy, something I had vowed not to do - but hospital admin will have it's way.

I thought I was in the clear as I was scheduled to see a completely different team, until the high risk registrar showed me through to her office and that very doctor was sitting at her desk! I just froze and couldn't go in, tears coming out of nowhere. I managed to explain and she ushered him out, explaining to me she wasn't even sure why he was there in the first place.

The appointment was quite positive, after this initial appointment, and one more, they are confident that I can switch to the other hospital, if everything continues to go smoothly with the pregnancy. I explained my fears about the progesterone levels and they did a quick scan for me - baby measuring a couple of days ahead (give or take) and that gorgeous little heart beating away.

The scan in itself was quite surreal as I was back in the same room as our scans for the previous pregnancy and I was sure that there would be no heartbeat - I was already thinking that so the room just added to the fear. The lovely doctor even held my hand as the tech did the scan.

She also measured my blood pressure and was surprised at the high reading, but was more than willing to put it down to my worry over the baby and the distress at seeing the other doctor. She asked me to have it monitored whenever I visit my GP.

Since then I have had my weekly follow up on my progesterone levels. My last check was 39 (12 in adjusted terms) and this time was 55 (17). I had been told that my levels would go up quite quickly, I was expecting something more than this although if I compare the results, it has gone up more in the last week than in the previous 3, so that's something.

My GP also tested my hcg to pass on to the genetic counselor, the result was only 108,000. They all think that this is fine, as levels slow after 6 weeks and also after reaching such high numbers. Still, this is a doubling time of 10 days based on my previous result, which was 3 weeks ago, so not really useful for comparison.

I have to have progesterone and hcg monitored weekly until at least 14 weeks, so we shall see what happens next.

My daily medication regimen is now 200mg progesterone twice a day, 5mg folate, 100mg aspirin, 850mg metformin and my prenatal vitamin. By far the most disruptive is the progesterone. The night dose is not too bad, but as I have to lay flat for at least 30 mins after, the morning dose is a pain on work days - but so far seems to be worth it!

I was supposed to be having my combined first trimester screen blood test this week, and 12 week scan and harmony test two weeks after that. Now I am having my weekly bloods this week, screening bloods, harmony and scan the following week at 11 weeks, and my 12 week scan a week later at 13 weeks.

It still seems surreal to think about making it that far, and as yet I haven't booked our appointments. That's my job for tomorrow, if I can summon the courage.

When the numbers don't add up

I have had three tests so far to measure my progesterone.

The first was at 4w5d and was 16.8.

The second was 6w and was 27.7

The third was at 8w1d and was 39.

Or so we thought.

- - -

On Friday night I received an urgent message from my doctor, who just a couple of hours earlier had told me how good my progesterone was looking. Apparently, she had been reading the numbers wrong, using the wrong units as she put it, and my numbers were actually low.

In a blind panic, I picked hubby up from work and raced to the clinic to see the genetic councilor who had noted the incorrect number and had written my a prescription for progesterone pessaries. They promised to wait behind for us to arrive.

All the fears of the day and the stresses about this pregnancy that I had been trying to hide come flooding out. I had been having cramps on and off for a couple of days, maybe we were too late?

As a reassurance, they offered us a scan then and there. They tried an abdominal scan but my bladder wasn't full enough to give a clear picture. We saw baby, but nothing was clear. I looked for that little flicker but saw nothing. Bladder emptied, we tried an internal scan and there, almost at once, baby's little heart flickered on the screen. Measuring high, I thought, at 180bpm but most certainly there and measuring perfectly.

They're convinced that we caught it in time, as my levels were still rising, just slowly and lower than they would like. Turns out my numbers were actually 5.8, 8.65 and 12.18. I'll be visiting the doctor on Wednesday to find out what happens next as I think they want to do weekly monitoring of my levels and have me on the pessaries until 14 weeks.

Typically, the terrible bloating that I have had for the last couple of weeks has also died down over the weekend, making me feel as though my 'bump' is gone, just another reason to stress but I am trying to keep my anxiety under control.

Let's hope that a completely avoidable medical mistake hasn't cost us our little one.

A Whole New World

I have never seen a line like this in my life. Any thoughts that I was late due to the after effects of the last miscarriage or left over hormones flew right out the window! I am pregnant, again! I am currently 8w6d and further than I have ever been before.

We visited the doctor for blood tests to confirm, on my birthday. What an amazing but terrifying gift! My hcg was high and progesterone looked great (more on that next time). We decided, due to the horrible stress surrounding our last pregnancy, that we would treat this one as 'normal' as possible, until something indicated otherwise.

A follow up blood test showed my hcg was higher than I'd ever seen it (22 000!) and progesterone was still rising. I've had no spotting at all this pregnancy and after I reached 6 weeks I even stopped wearing a pad to work "just in case."

We booked in for our first scan just before 8 weeks, on hubby's birthday. I was sure we were jinxing ourselves, afterall, we had never made it past 7 1/2 weeks before, did we really want that kind of news on a birthday? Everything went perfectly. Baby was in the right place, measuring exactly the right size (based on when I thought I had ovulated due to my pains at the time) and with a gorgeous little heartbeat. Bliss. The sonographer took her time, explained everything we were seeing and recorded the scan for us to take home, even giving us a few photos. Something normal for others I suppose, but nothing like we had ever experienced in 4 scans at the hospital during our last pregnancy.

We are currently booked in for our 12 week scan and NIPS on the 6th of July and I have the paperwork for my combined first trimester screening for next week at 10 weeks. It's all new and very scary but so far things are looking positive.

Here's to seeing what comes next!

The storm continues

It may sound strange to say, but the scan I had on Wednesday which confirmed that we had lost our little one was the loveliest scan I have had so far.

I went to my GP in the morning, following our last scan with the specialist and she was horrified to hear what had been happening since I last saw her. (I should also add, she was fully booked but when I said what was happening she made a point of seeing me during her break time)

She immediately rang a private scan centre nearby and asked if they could squeeze me in, they told me to come down asap. My doctor also suggested that I should go straight there, not wait until hubby was off work the next day. It meant going alone, which we both hated, but there was no choice as he couldn't get anyone to replace him at work (more on that another day).

Thankfully, there was only one other couple waiting and they were gone almost immediately, so I didn't have to listen to their excited conversation. My doctor had made a point of letting them know that it was a suspected miscarriage, I didn't want some poor tech to be traumatised by the thought of giving me bad news. As much as I was hoping for the best, we were prepared for the worst.

She was so patient and kind, asking questions about my health and the pregnancy. When she was doing the scan, she explained everything that she was doing and took multiple measurements. She pointed out to me on the screen all the things she was looking at and looking for. She didn't just stop at looking for a heartbeat, she also looked for blood flow. She measured our little baby from different angles and gave us a better idea of when baby had stopped growing. I can't adequately express the calm, peace and empathy the lovely tech conveyed.

As she packed up and went to call my doctor with the report, she handed me a little print out of the clearest image she had managed to get. That's when I finally gave in to my grief. They even asked if they could take me out the back for a cup of tea so I didn't have to wait in the main waiting room. Just so kind and considerate. They even did the scan free of charge which was completely unexpected.

I went straight to hubby's work and we looked at our little photo and cried together. I just wish he had been able to come, he's still pretty traumatised by how we were treated at the previous scan and I think it would have eased him a little.

Five pregnancies and five losses seems almost too much to bear. But we will. Somehow.

In need of a miracle

We're really in need of one of those miracles we hear so much about.

After being on bed rest of the week, and noticing that my spotting had stopped and my symptoms were 'developing' (read every growing boobs, gas production off the charts, etc) we arrived at yesterday's scan with just a little optimism.

We waited an hour before being brought in, not to the scanning room but to the fetal monitoring section. When they asked how far along I was and I replied 8 and a half weeks, the midwife scurried off, only to return and tell me to wait outside again for the specialist.

After another hour (and overhearing a conversation about why I was here and how they were supposed to prepare the room for us - and the midwife in charge having plainly no idea what they were talking about) the specialist whizzed past and told me to come in to the room with him. Unfortunately, there was already someone in the bed. Who he promptly moved out and got ready for my scan.

The abdominal scan wasn't very clear (having been holding for more than 3 hours at this stage!) and so he wanted to do another internal. Then he couldn't find the probe, or the cover, so after yelling at someone and telling us that 'everything has gone to pot' as the two head midwives were away, he just put a rubber glove over the probe and went from there. Then remembered to tell me to go and empty my bladder. It was absolutely surreal and I just felt like it must be a dream. I mean, we knew they were bad, but not this bad, surely?!

Unfortunately things just got worse. He had such a hard time finding baby, and then when he did, he couldn't get a good view. Then he told us that he couldn't find a fetal heartbeat. He asked for my wrist as he was seeing something, but thought it was just my heartbeat. He said the two pulses matched. He then measured and said baby was measuring exactly the same as last week and that the low fluid must have caused too much distress.

We were then told to change and think about our options in the waiting room, surrounded by heavily pregnant women. As soon as we had the chance to speak privately both hubby and I said we were convinced he'd made a mistake. Sure, we're probably in denial, but he's made this mistake before and everything was so rushed and poorly organised it just didn't seem real.

We were taken back in to speak with one of the consulting gynecologists who had been told we wanted a d&c. I told her we said no such thing and that we wanted to wait and see what happened. That I had already carried and lost my other babies and I didn't want this one to be any different. She then had to go and find out what the hospital procedure was for a 'natural' miscarriage!

After yet more waiting, we were told we could come back in a week and they would check on me, make sure I wasn't showing any signs of infection and they'd ask me again if I wanted medical intervention. If in the meantime I started bleeding through more than four pads in an hour, or was in severe pain, I should report to the ED, otherwise, see you next week.

It still seems so unreal. I have an appointment with my GP today and I am asking for another scan, somewhere else, just to confirm. Then we'll see what happens next.

Happy Easter little ones

This Easter has brought so many mixed emotions.

We should have been celebrating a first birthday. We should have been celebrating a first Easter with three of our angels. It was also our first Easter without my grandfather.

Yet I spent most of the day focused on protecting the life of the little one I am carrying now. Part of me feels terribly guilty, but I also know that really, this little one is the only one I can still do something for. So for the first time in my life, I didn't go to church on Good Friday. I didn't go the the dawn service on Easter Sunday and I didn't have Easter lunch with my family. Instead, I stayed home, mostly on the bed, and nurtured the life inside me the best I know how.

People keep assuming I must be bored, but I'm lucky I guess in that I can always find something to occupy myself. My mornings are reading, I'm reading the second book of the Outlander series (again!) before the series begins in two weeks and I check all the news on my phone or tablet. Then I have been catching up on movies in the afternoon that I'd rather not subject hubby to! I have a nap, hubby's home and then the night flies by.

In between there are countless trips to the kitchen to refill my bottle and the resulting trips to the toilet, along with an increased appetite (yay!) and the resulting nausea.

My nerves are building as tomorrow's appointment draws closer. I really don't know what to expect. My spotting has all but stopped, but I don't know if that is a good thing. I'm just hoping that baby has a little more room to move and that everything is still going along.

Only tomorrow will tell.

Scans, heartbeats and bed rest

After our weekly scan on Tuesday, I am officially on bed rest. I've been told not to go to work and to spend at least 1.5 hours, 4 times a day in complete rest.

Our appointment this week was booked in correctly, for the first time, and we only waited about 10 minutes for the specialist. He still walked in and asked, 'Where are we up to?' I suppose this is normal, but how hard can it be to check your notes before you see a patient?

He had a little trouble finding baby and I was getting anxious, but then we saw that beautiful little flicker on the screen and I breathed a sigh of relief. He was able to measure the heart rate right away (166bpm) but found it difficult to get a good clear view of baby. Even still, he did a rough measurement (still not convinced of his accuracy) and said baby was measuring well. He didn't give us a number.

I mentioned that I was still spotting every day and he noted that there was a blood clot just below baby. He said this would either reabsorb or continue to bleed out and either was fine. That didn't worry him. What was worrying him was that my amniotic sac seemed to be all baby and all heart and very little fluid. This, he said, was not a good sign and although nothing can really be done at this early stage he ordered bed rest and increased fluid intake. Of course we checked Dr Google when we got home and this seems to be the only treatment for low amniotic fluid this early in pregnancy.

We actually had an ok week last week, but this has thrown everything into chaos again. I am now consumed with what the next scan will show and the helplessness of knowing that there is really very little we can do. The only glimmer of hope I am hanging on to is that his scanning technique is rubbish (as evidenced by our first horror scan), that he just couldn't get a good view of baby and that next week everything will be fine.

Once again, we wait.

Gender Prediction

I have posted before about gender prediction. I haven't really thought about it much this time around, what they say about just wanting a healthy baby regardless of gender is especially true for us.

However, the last couple of days I have been having really vivid dreams. They have all been different, and some not too pleasant, but in each of them our baby is a boy. And sometimes joined by a twin sister. But there is always a boy.

So I pulled out the gender prediction chart and it says boy. A variety of other quizzes, predictors and old wives tales also seem to point to boy (it's a bit too early for some of them though!).

Only time will tell. We're still planning on having the harmony test done at 10 weeks, I already have the referral form from my doctor. Still, it's a little bit of fun to think about the 'What if?'

Honestly!

The story of this early pregnancy seems to be spotting. During the 6th week, it was once every two or three days. During the last week, it's been once every day. I've called the early pregnancy clinic and seen my doctor and they all say the same thing. It's so little, and so light, that there's nothing to worry about. I'm not having any cramping, there's no blood coming through, so just wait and see.

I thought last week was hard with no tests in between the scans. This week has been almost impossible! I've even been having 'ovulation' pains, right on cue for my next AF... even though I'm pregnant. This has got me wondering (worrying) that I'll have some real bleeding around the time AF would normally be due and just the thought of that gets my heart racing.

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Due to the spotting, the anxiety, headaches and insomnia my doctor has recommended rest except when working (and only then because I am behind a desk this year, not in class) between now and the holidays. I had to explain this to my principal, at the same time as actually telling him I was pregnant. This was tricky, as he's not the most understanding of our situation. For example, when he asked how far along I was, he then said, 'Oh. Most people wouldn't even know they're pregnant yet.' Really? Honestly? Some people, maybe. But most? Not notice that their period was 3 weeks late? If you say so.

It's really discouraging. He's not the first person who has said this to me. What is the point. Are you trying to say I shouldn't worry about losing my baby because some other person wouldn't even know they were expecting?

I'm also getting a lot of, 'Don't worry. Be positive. It's all in the mind. Good vibes only.' I know it is important to be positive, just for my own sanity, but what good is telling me this when I am trying to explain to you the impact of my anxiety? It sounds to me like you are basically saying if anything goes wrong it'll be my fault for not being positive enough. Bollocks.

I'm really lucky to be surrounded by a few very special people who check in on me every now and then and ASK how I am doing, without telling me what to think or feel. This is the support I need and appreciate the most.

We've got ourselves a fighter!

To get the best and most wonderful news out of the way first, our little baby is growing perfectly and we saw its tiny heartbeat for the first time. So amazing. Such a miracle.

Now to how we got there...

For the third week in a row the clinic messed up our appointment. This time they actually had us booked in (makes a change) but had us booked for the normal antenatal clinic, not the specialist early pregnancy clinic.

This meant not only sitting in a room full of hugely pregnant bellies not even knowing if our babe was still there (and lots of tears on my part due to the extreme anxiety of it all) but it also meant waiting three HOURS for an appointment that we should have waited no more than 30 minutes for.

When we were finally called in, the specialist asked what I was there for. I know they have so many patients to see, but considering that our last appointment with him lead to the week from hell it was a little hard to hear. I explained. He asked me how the week had been and I told him I'd had a little spotting on a couple of days and he just nodded his head as if confirming his diagnosis. I was shaking like a leaf by this stage. He then suggested we head over for the scan to 'confirm things' and go from there.

In the end we had to wait another 30 minutes or so and then the lovely midwife who we had seen two weeks ago came to see how we were doing. She asked us to fill her in on all that had happened and was very understanding. Then the specialist flew in, poked around with the probe causing quite a lot of pain, looked at the monitor and said 'fetal heart.' He turned the screen around and there for the first time we saw our little baby and the oh so tiny flicker of it's rapidly beating heart. I must have let out a terrible sound, I know I was sobbing like mad, because the midwife came running back in, then looked at the screen and grabbed my knee and said something encouraging. I have no idea, all I remember was squeezing hubby's hand so tight, and seeing the enormous grin on his face, before turning back to the screen. I didn't take my eyes off it again until the scan was done.

Baby was measuring 6 weeks 3 days (according to the single measurement he did, still not convinced it was 100% accurate) which is about 2 or 3 days behind where I thought we were, SO much better than the two WEEKS behind we were told last week. The tiny little heart registered 123bmp.

Now we wait for next week. In the meantime, I have baby's first photo to stare at in amazement.

Cravings, anxiety, and the seventh week

Cravings:
My appetite is all but gone, in part due to nausea and in part anxiety. I try to make myself eat at least 3 times a day and I have only stopped a meal to be sick once (yay!), but other than that the thought of eating actually make me feel even more sick. I run though the list in my head of what's available and fight the nausea that comes with each suggestion.

I'm finding it pretty hard to eat anything cold, so all my lovely salad veggies are going to waste. Toast is ok, usually just with butter and vegemite, but is a once a day thing for me. I could eat chicken nuggets all day, that is the closest thing I have to an actual food craving, so I just make sure not to buy them.

Other than that, I'm craving ice.I have read that this is considered a form of pica but I'm choosing not to think of it that way! I have always liked crunching on the occasional glass of ice, now I just do it more often. It's also said to point to iron deficiency, which is possible, but my last results were fine and the prenatal vitamin I have been taking for the last 2 years has the full daily dose.

If chicken nuggets and ice are as far as these cravings go, I'll be happy!

Anxiety:
I know this wont go away any time soon, and I am trying to find ways to deal with it. It probably doesn't help that I am off work this week with a bad pain in my upper back, meaning I have a bit of extra time on my hands!

Following our scan earlier this week I am finding it a little harder to keep at bay. I know that if things are not progressing as normal, blighted ovum is the most likely explanation. That's really difficult. How do I bond with a baby that might not be there? Especially when trying to bond with a baby I might lose is already hard enough?

I also had a little spotting following the internal ultrasound, which is normal, but still had me waiting for it to stop. I'm still running to the toilet to check for spotting or bleeding, but I am getting better at stretching out the times in between.

I still find it incredibly hard to even think about telling people I am pregnant. On the one hand, I don't want to be congratulated on a pregnancy that might not last. On the other, I want this baby to be acknowledged. We have only told immediate family, one very special friend, and (unfortunately) our bosses. I keep thinking to the next milestone, e.g. if I make it to the next scan then I might tell... Afterall, there are people who will need to know if something goes wrong, and I hate having to tell people that I have miscarried before they even know I am pregnant.

In the meantime, I have 4 days to wait until our next scan. I am filled with so much dread at the thought, not only of seeing that baby hasn't grown, but at having to deal with that doctor again. I rang the hospital to ask if I could be seen by another doctor, apparently he's the only specialist there in this area. The clinic manager did say that she wants me to stop in after our appointment and if I am still not happy she is going to refer me to the Royal Women's, so that's something to think about.

Now, to distract myself on instagram for a while...

Something for the dads

One thing hubby comments on quite a lot is the way he gets ignored by doctors and nurses when we have our appointments.

Whether it's follow up testing after miscarriages, or an ultrasound to check on our baby, he's almost always overlooked and excluded from the conversation.

He asks me questions later about things he heard but didn't understand and I've encouraged him to ask questions if he has them, because he might think of something that I don't. But in general it's very true, one doctor doesn't even really acknowledge that he's even in the room.

I know every couple and situation is different, but in our experience, hubby is very involved in each pregnancy right from the beginning (this time it was even him asking me to POAS to check if I was pregnant!). How hard is it really to look at a man and ask, "Do you have any questions?"

It is important to me that hubby feels supported and as much a part of this pregnancy as I am. I don't know exactly how to do that, but I'm going to make a really conscious effort from now on. If the doctors won't ask him, I will, while we are still there.

He's also found that people are much less understanding of his feelings regarding our losses, and just expect him to 'get on with it.' Admittedly, he finds it easier to keep to his normal routine as it helps him to settle his mind, but that doesn't mean he isn't impacted. Even now, when people find out we have another baby on the way, the first questions he's asked are always about me.

When it comes to work, it's just the same. I have been told to take all the time I need for scans and appointments, and to let them know if I can't come in after a scan. Hubby on the other hand is being mucked around and made to feel like he is wasting people's time trying to find someone to cover for him so he can attend our scans. He didn't even dare try to come to the follow up GP appointment. He's asked to have regular cover, or to have his day off changed (with approval from his area manager) but his boss is trying to make him take sick leave - which he shouldn't have to when there are so many other choices!

I've bought him a special pregnancy book for dads, by dads, which I was going to give after the scan yesterday, but given how that went I think I'll hold off until the next one.

Another day on the rollercoaster

Today we had our first scan.

After confirming an intrauterine pregnancy (yay!) and a gestational sac, we were then told that the sac was only measuring 4w3d and that based on my dates (which were never discussed) was probably a missed miscarriage.

Devastated doesn't even begin to cover it. I was told to come back in a week if there had been no bleeding for another scan and to discuss 'options.' I had to practically beg the midwife for an hcg test. At least if the numbers were going down I would know what was coming. She agreed, and we left the hospital fearing that our little one was gone.

In the next few hours, waiting for her to call with the results, I learned some interesting things.

Firstly, the size of the gestational sac is supposed to be based on an average of three measurements from different angles. He only took one. It can also be affected by positioning of the uterus, etc. I know from previous scans that my uterus is tipped backwards. To get correct measurements with a tipped uterus can take some doing. My scan lasted only a matter of one or two minutes, so I can't say how thorough it was.

Secondly, 6.3mm is in the range for 5 weeks, not 4, which is still a little behind where I thought I was but could be attributed to late ovulation and implantation.

I was starting to have a little hope, but knew that it would rest on the hcg levels. My result came back at 3700 and the midwife was really happy. I can't tell you the relief, but also the anger that I felt for putting us through that this morning.

I know we are not out of the woods. My levels are doubling just less than the recommended time (but still going up!) and baby is measuring small... but still there! She has recommended me not to take another hcg test in the meantime as different labs can give different results and she doesn't want me worried for nothing.

So we wait another week on the rollercoaster and maybe next week will bring us more good news. We know that a blighted ovum is still a possibility, but we're choosing to hope that the next scan will show us our growing baby.

Fear, Anxiety and Pregnancy after Loss

After getting my latest blood work back on Thursday, I was ready to feel a little optimistic. Sure, the results weren't quite doubling in 48hrs (we were at about 60), but that's to be expected after a certain point.

Then I woke up Saturday morning.

I still can't put my finger on exactly what it was, but I just didn't feel right. I tried to go about my morning routine, but I was getting more and more anxious. I was shaking madly by the time hubby woke up, he looked at me and assumed the worst and I had to tell him through almost hysterical tears that I was fine but just didn't feel right.

I thought it was just anxiety over reaching the same milestone that saw me in hospital for a previous miscarriage and that getting on with our day as planned would distract me. It didn't work. I kept having the feeling I was bleeding and ran to every public toilet I could find. Then, in the middle of Harvey Norman, I lost it completely when I started cramping.

We went to the car and called the number given to us by the midwife at the Fetal Maternal Assessment Clinic at the hospital where I'm having my scans. Call any time you have a question or a worry, she said. She forgot to mention the part about being closed on weekends. (Why is it that people think emergencies don't happen on weekends?)

We were put through to maternity who said they wouldn't see me before 20 weeks so I should go to emergency and a doctor would see me there.

So we did. We waited 2 hrs for a blood test and then a further hour for the results. I was beside myself the entire time and I can't even find the words to properly explain how loving, kind and patient hubby was even as his anxiety was climbing due to my condition and being in a hospital in the first place.

The results came back at 2278. The nurse was reassuring that the numbers were still rising and that over a certain level they are expected to double more slowly, with 92 hours being the low average. We are at about 88hrs, so on the low side. She then mentioned that other causes for low rising hcg are ectopic pregnancy or blighted ovum. Basically there is nothing more I will know until our scan on Tuesday.

Hang on little one.