Family announcements

I have written previously about having three work colleagues announce their pregnancies, all due within two weeks of each other, and the toll that this took. I also mentioned at the time that I didn't know how I would cope if it came to a family member announcing their pregnancy. Now I know.

Last year my aunty publicly announced that my cousin was expecting her first. Thank goodness I wasn't able to attend the function (for a completely unrelated celebration) as I am sure that no one would have thought to 'warn' me ahead of time. That was horrendous, especially coming just before the first anniversary of one of our losses, and the only way I have been able to cope was to 'hide' my cousin and aunty from my Facebook as they live too far away to see face to face. I still have to manage people wanting to tell me all about how wonderful and gorgeous her little boy is, which I am sure is all true, but I just can't bear it myself. She's much younger than me and hadn't even been married a year when her little one was born. I remember thinking at the time that I could just about handle that, as we had never been incredibly close (due to age and geographic location!) but I was dreading finding out that my much closer cousin was expecting.

I just found out yesterday.

I have to say, it wasn't a surprise. I had actually been thinking about her most of the morning, wondering if they were trying, and so on. When I visited my nan she started with the rather formal, "I've been asked to tell you something" and I thought I was about to get a telling off for something I had or hadn't said to my mum (guilty conscience?) Instead, she told me that my cousin was expecting and is currently 13 weeks. I was ok until she said that she'd been asked to tell me so that I wasn't alone when I got the news, as they knew it would make me sad. Then I cried.

Then I tried to explain, through tears and hugs, that I'm sot 'sad' but a whole lot of other things. And that I am genuinely happy for my cousin but that it just makes me that much more aware of what we have lost.

I almost wanted to tell her, "So am I!" but as we have decided to wait I managed to bite my tongue. I did remind my nan that my cousin's baby would be her 4th great-grandchild. It felt important that she know that (even though technically 6th, but they only know about 3 of our 5 losses).

The pain I feel is completely different now to what I expected. She's due just 3 weeks before me. I feel even more certain now that something is going to cause me to lose this baby and it's going to ruin me because unlike the other cousin on the other side of the family, this cousin I see 5 or 6 times a year and for every major holiday and family birthday. There is already a little underlying... jealousy I suppose is the word, for how apparently perfect her life has been and this would just top it off.

Part of me knows that thinking this way is irrational, yet after all our past experiences I just can't imagine having a baby of my own to hold. I suppose only time will tell. Truth be told, I am nervous about visiting my nan over the next few weeks as my cousin often pops in at the same time. I just don't think I can face that at the moment.