Father's Day

I'm a little bit tired of hearing that acknowledging my husband, and other men who are living without their babies, puts a downer on the Father's Day celebrations of others.

Why is it ok for people to post about the fathers and grandfathers that they miss on this day, but it's not ok to acknowledge that there are men the world over missing spending this day with their precious children?

Once again, I am pregnant on Father's Day. The first time this happened, as I have posted about before, I didn't even acknowledge my husband as a father. I simply thought that you weren't a mother, or father, until you had a baby to hold. I know now how wrong my thinking was, for so many reasons.

This time, everything is so different. This baby is growing and kicking away inside and I can feel her get extra active when she hears her daddy's voice when he comes home from work. The way he is looking after both of us this time around just proves to me beyond any doubt that he is a father already, and that he is doing everything he can for his little girl.

He copes with Father's Day by not thinking about it, and as he is working today already told me when I asked how he was doing that he doesn't really want to talk about it until he gets home. Long ago that would have bothered me, but everything we have learned these past years reassures me that he can do whatever he needs to cope with this in any way he likes, even (especially) if it is not what I would do. We both grieve so differently.

And honestly, it is hard to celebrate, even with this little one here, knowing that our first baby could have been 16 months old and ready to spoil her daddy on this special day. It will always be this way for us on special days, there will always be little faces missing from our table, from our photos and from our memories.

So I am not sorry for acknowledging my husband as a father today. My heart aches for the hugs, kisses and memories that he has been denied. He is the best father our little ones could ever wish for.

Family announcements

I have written previously about having three work colleagues announce their pregnancies, all due within two weeks of each other, and the toll that this took. I also mentioned at the time that I didn't know how I would cope if it came to a family member announcing their pregnancy. Now I know.

Last year my aunty publicly announced that my cousin was expecting her first. Thank goodness I wasn't able to attend the function (for a completely unrelated celebration) as I am sure that no one would have thought to 'warn' me ahead of time. That was horrendous, especially coming just before the first anniversary of one of our losses, and the only way I have been able to cope was to 'hide' my cousin and aunty from my Facebook as they live too far away to see face to face. I still have to manage people wanting to tell me all about how wonderful and gorgeous her little boy is, which I am sure is all true, but I just can't bear it myself. She's much younger than me and hadn't even been married a year when her little one was born. I remember thinking at the time that I could just about handle that, as we had never been incredibly close (due to age and geographic location!) but I was dreading finding out that my much closer cousin was expecting.

I just found out yesterday.

I have to say, it wasn't a surprise. I had actually been thinking about her most of the morning, wondering if they were trying, and so on. When I visited my nan she started with the rather formal, "I've been asked to tell you something" and I thought I was about to get a telling off for something I had or hadn't said to my mum (guilty conscience?) Instead, she told me that my cousin was expecting and is currently 13 weeks. I was ok until she said that she'd been asked to tell me so that I wasn't alone when I got the news, as they knew it would make me sad. Then I cried.

Then I tried to explain, through tears and hugs, that I'm sot 'sad' but a whole lot of other things. And that I am genuinely happy for my cousin but that it just makes me that much more aware of what we have lost.

I almost wanted to tell her, "So am I!" but as we have decided to wait I managed to bite my tongue. I did remind my nan that my cousin's baby would be her 4th great-grandchild. It felt important that she know that (even though technically 6th, but they only know about 3 of our 5 losses).

The pain I feel is completely different now to what I expected. She's due just 3 weeks before me. I feel even more certain now that something is going to cause me to lose this baby and it's going to ruin me because unlike the other cousin on the other side of the family, this cousin I see 5 or 6 times a year and for every major holiday and family birthday. There is already a little underlying... jealousy I suppose is the word, for how apparently perfect her life has been and this would just top it off.

Part of me knows that thinking this way is irrational, yet after all our past experiences I just can't imagine having a baby of my own to hold. I suppose only time will tell. Truth be told, I am nervous about visiting my nan over the next few weeks as my cousin often pops in at the same time. I just don't think I can face that at the moment.

10 weeks!

It's so hard to believe as I write this that I am 10w2d and everything is looking good. I still can't get my head around it, but then, I am not really trying to. It's easier to keep it in the background, rather than focus on it too much. Even that is easier said than done.

I have just had the results of my weekly progesterone and hcg test. My progesterone has risen to 32.5 (104 in the 'old' scale) which, finally, is the over 30 I was expecting to see all along. I have had to double my dose though, so I am now on 400mg twice a day. At the moment I am using two 200mg pessaries morning and night, which is incredibly uncomfortable but at $17 a day I don't want them to go to waste!

My hcg was 108,000 last week and 99,000 this week. It is normal for it to drop starting now and my GP was happy that this was just a small drop and nothing to worry about, she'd only worry if it was down by half. She also doesn't want me to have it tested next week (it was the specialist who suggested it) and I agree. At this point, it isn't telling us much about baby so I don't need the extra numbers to stress about! I have already spent the morning thinking that maybe baby died in the past day or two and it has only just started dropping and that's why it wasn't half yet... PAL is so full of anxiety!

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We still haven't told anyone about this baby except for one or two close friends and I almost feel like the longer this pregnancy continues the harder it gets. For example, I was considering telling my parents if today's results came back ok. Now I am thinking that I should wait until after our scan next week in case anything happens in the meantime. But then we are having the Harmony test done the same day and I know I will want to wait until after that comes back... It just goes on.

I know when it does come to telling that there will be so much angst, and I am having a hard enough time coping on my own, let alone dealing with all of that. After the "Why didn't you tell us sooner?" will come the, "Are you eating/drinking/resting enough?" and the constant checking up. Worse than that will be the platitudes that things will be different this time, or I just have to keep positive and so on. I know that I wont be able to respond to those sorts of comments lightly, because NO ONE knows how things will turn out this time and telling me YOU think it will is really no help at all.

I suppose the biggest problem is that I know the kind of support I need, and I know it is not the kind they can give. I need low key, check in every now and then, how are you going in general kind of support, not obsessive calling or messaging every day, questioning every appointment and decision and wanting to be around me all the time. We don't have that type of relationship normally and it frustrates me when they expect that to change all of a sudden. 

I also guess it is a lot to do with the lack of support in our losses. I know everyone thinks they are doing the right thing, or doing their best, but again, they're not listening to what WE need. For example, I repeatedly said after our most recent loss that I wasn't going to be calling people, but if they wanted to talk to us, call me and I would answer if I could. Pretty clear I would have thought. Yet my mum has only called once in the last month, and that was to tell me about something that had happened to someone else. Still, every time I see my grandmother she asks me if I have called my mum yet...

Next week is full of baby related appointments. GP on Wednesday for more progesterone, weekly blood test on Thursday and harmony test on Friday. They give us a quick scan before, just to make sure baby is ok before we pay for the test! If I can make it to Friday I might be able to breathe a little easier.