10 weeks!

It's so hard to believe as I write this that I am 10w2d and everything is looking good. I still can't get my head around it, but then, I am not really trying to. It's easier to keep it in the background, rather than focus on it too much. Even that is easier said than done.

I have just had the results of my weekly progesterone and hcg test. My progesterone has risen to 32.5 (104 in the 'old' scale) which, finally, is the over 30 I was expecting to see all along. I have had to double my dose though, so I am now on 400mg twice a day. At the moment I am using two 200mg pessaries morning and night, which is incredibly uncomfortable but at $17 a day I don't want them to go to waste!

My hcg was 108,000 last week and 99,000 this week. It is normal for it to drop starting now and my GP was happy that this was just a small drop and nothing to worry about, she'd only worry if it was down by half. She also doesn't want me to have it tested next week (it was the specialist who suggested it) and I agree. At this point, it isn't telling us much about baby so I don't need the extra numbers to stress about! I have already spent the morning thinking that maybe baby died in the past day or two and it has only just started dropping and that's why it wasn't half yet... PAL is so full of anxiety!

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We still haven't told anyone about this baby except for one or two close friends and I almost feel like the longer this pregnancy continues the harder it gets. For example, I was considering telling my parents if today's results came back ok. Now I am thinking that I should wait until after our scan next week in case anything happens in the meantime. But then we are having the Harmony test done the same day and I know I will want to wait until after that comes back... It just goes on.

I know when it does come to telling that there will be so much angst, and I am having a hard enough time coping on my own, let alone dealing with all of that. After the "Why didn't you tell us sooner?" will come the, "Are you eating/drinking/resting enough?" and the constant checking up. Worse than that will be the platitudes that things will be different this time, or I just have to keep positive and so on. I know that I wont be able to respond to those sorts of comments lightly, because NO ONE knows how things will turn out this time and telling me YOU think it will is really no help at all.

I suppose the biggest problem is that I know the kind of support I need, and I know it is not the kind they can give. I need low key, check in every now and then, how are you going in general kind of support, not obsessive calling or messaging every day, questioning every appointment and decision and wanting to be around me all the time. We don't have that type of relationship normally and it frustrates me when they expect that to change all of a sudden. 

I also guess it is a lot to do with the lack of support in our losses. I know everyone thinks they are doing the right thing, or doing their best, but again, they're not listening to what WE need. For example, I repeatedly said after our most recent loss that I wasn't going to be calling people, but if they wanted to talk to us, call me and I would answer if I could. Pretty clear I would have thought. Yet my mum has only called once in the last month, and that was to tell me about something that had happened to someone else. Still, every time I see my grandmother she asks me if I have called my mum yet...

Next week is full of baby related appointments. GP on Wednesday for more progesterone, weekly blood test on Thursday and harmony test on Friday. They give us a quick scan before, just to make sure baby is ok before we pay for the test! If I can make it to Friday I might be able to breathe a little easier.

As the days go by

 
Every day is a new experience, we have never been this far in a pregnancy before. As exciting as you might think this is, for me it just increases my anxiety around how I will cope if things don't turn out.

The past Wednesday was a challenge, as I had to return to the same hospital and clinic as our last pregnancy, something I had vowed not to do - but hospital admin will have it's way.

I thought I was in the clear as I was scheduled to see a completely different team, until the high risk registrar showed me through to her office and that very doctor was sitting at her desk! I just froze and couldn't go in, tears coming out of nowhere. I managed to explain and she ushered him out, explaining to me she wasn't even sure why he was there in the first place.

The appointment was quite positive, after this initial appointment, and one more, they are confident that I can switch to the other hospital, if everything continues to go smoothly with the pregnancy. I explained my fears about the progesterone levels and they did a quick scan for me - baby measuring a couple of days ahead (give or take) and that gorgeous little heart beating away.

The scan in itself was quite surreal as I was back in the same room as our scans for the previous pregnancy and I was sure that there would be no heartbeat - I was already thinking that so the room just added to the fear. The lovely doctor even held my hand as the tech did the scan.

She also measured my blood pressure and was surprised at the high reading, but was more than willing to put it down to my worry over the baby and the distress at seeing the other doctor. She asked me to have it monitored whenever I visit my GP.

Since then I have had my weekly follow up on my progesterone levels. My last check was 39 (12 in adjusted terms) and this time was 55 (17). I had been told that my levels would go up quite quickly, I was expecting something more than this although if I compare the results, it has gone up more in the last week than in the previous 3, so that's something.

My GP also tested my hcg to pass on to the genetic counselor, the result was only 108,000. They all think that this is fine, as levels slow after 6 weeks and also after reaching such high numbers. Still, this is a doubling time of 10 days based on my previous result, which was 3 weeks ago, so not really useful for comparison.

I have to have progesterone and hcg monitored weekly until at least 14 weeks, so we shall see what happens next.

My daily medication regimen is now 200mg progesterone twice a day, 5mg folate, 100mg aspirin, 850mg metformin and my prenatal vitamin. By far the most disruptive is the progesterone. The night dose is not too bad, but as I have to lay flat for at least 30 mins after, the morning dose is a pain on work days - but so far seems to be worth it!

I was supposed to be having my combined first trimester screen blood test this week, and 12 week scan and harmony test two weeks after that. Now I am having my weekly bloods this week, screening bloods, harmony and scan the following week at 11 weeks, and my 12 week scan a week later at 13 weeks.

It still seems surreal to think about making it that far, and as yet I haven't booked our appointments. That's my job for tomorrow, if I can summon the courage.

A Whole New World

I have never seen a line like this in my life. Any thoughts that I was late due to the after effects of the last miscarriage or left over hormones flew right out the window! I am pregnant, again! I am currently 8w6d and further than I have ever been before.

We visited the doctor for blood tests to confirm, on my birthday. What an amazing but terrifying gift! My hcg was high and progesterone looked great (more on that next time). We decided, due to the horrible stress surrounding our last pregnancy, that we would treat this one as 'normal' as possible, until something indicated otherwise.

A follow up blood test showed my hcg was higher than I'd ever seen it (22 000!) and progesterone was still rising. I've had no spotting at all this pregnancy and after I reached 6 weeks I even stopped wearing a pad to work "just in case."

We booked in for our first scan just before 8 weeks, on hubby's birthday. I was sure we were jinxing ourselves, afterall, we had never made it past 7 1/2 weeks before, did we really want that kind of news on a birthday? Everything went perfectly. Baby was in the right place, measuring exactly the right size (based on when I thought I had ovulated due to my pains at the time) and with a gorgeous little heartbeat. Bliss. The sonographer took her time, explained everything we were seeing and recorded the scan for us to take home, even giving us a few photos. Something normal for others I suppose, but nothing like we had ever experienced in 4 scans at the hospital during our last pregnancy.

We are currently booked in for our 12 week scan and NIPS on the 6th of July and I have the paperwork for my combined first trimester screening for next week at 10 weeks. It's all new and very scary but so far things are looking positive.

Here's to seeing what comes next!

Another day on the rollercoaster

Today we had our first scan.

After confirming an intrauterine pregnancy (yay!) and a gestational sac, we were then told that the sac was only measuring 4w3d and that based on my dates (which were never discussed) was probably a missed miscarriage.

Devastated doesn't even begin to cover it. I was told to come back in a week if there had been no bleeding for another scan and to discuss 'options.' I had to practically beg the midwife for an hcg test. At least if the numbers were going down I would know what was coming. She agreed, and we left the hospital fearing that our little one was gone.

In the next few hours, waiting for her to call with the results, I learned some interesting things.

Firstly, the size of the gestational sac is supposed to be based on an average of three measurements from different angles. He only took one. It can also be affected by positioning of the uterus, etc. I know from previous scans that my uterus is tipped backwards. To get correct measurements with a tipped uterus can take some doing. My scan lasted only a matter of one or two minutes, so I can't say how thorough it was.

Secondly, 6.3mm is in the range for 5 weeks, not 4, which is still a little behind where I thought I was but could be attributed to late ovulation and implantation.

I was starting to have a little hope, but knew that it would rest on the hcg levels. My result came back at 3700 and the midwife was really happy. I can't tell you the relief, but also the anger that I felt for putting us through that this morning.

I know we are not out of the woods. My levels are doubling just less than the recommended time (but still going up!) and baby is measuring small... but still there! She has recommended me not to take another hcg test in the meantime as different labs can give different results and she doesn't want me worried for nothing.

So we wait another week on the rollercoaster and maybe next week will bring us more good news. We know that a blighted ovum is still a possibility, but we're choosing to hope that the next scan will show us our growing baby.