14 Weeks

Officially in the 2nd trimester for the first time! Woohoo!

We had our 13 week scan on Monday and bubba is looking perfect. Measuring right on track for every measurement and, even though we already have a low risk assessment from the NIPT, the NT measurements were all perfect as well. Was overwhelming to see all the little numbers, like the tiny thing bones measuring 1.2cm.

That afternoon we had the first midwife appointment at the hospital. Again I freaked out about having to see the Doctor from last time, thankfully he was nowhere to be seen. The appointment was much less complex than I thought it would be, basically she asked a few questions about diet and lifestyle, and told us a bit of information about parenting classes, etc. She did also say that due mainly to my age but also BMI I am high risk for gestational diabetes and that I have to go for an early GTT. That's booked in for next week.

After such a positive scan we decided to tell my family. It was really difficult. I just kept hearing over and over how 'things have worked out now' and really, who knows? There was also mention of 'first grandchild etc and that was hard to take. The first couple of times I corrected people, to acknowledge the babies we have lost, but in the end I just stopped, it was too upsetting to go over each time.

So to top it off I have been feeling a little odd since Tuesday night. After a busy day, I started to feel a little aching in the muscles on either side of my tummy. This stayed around on Wednesday and I didn't feel the little 'flutters' I've been thinking are baby. Still didn't feel 100% on Thursday and started to worry that something had gone wrong. I'm sure it was just my over reaction to telling people on Tuesday, I was sure I had jinxed this pregnancy somehow. Late Thursday everything seems to be back to 'normal' and I felt my little flutters last night and again this morning. I hope all is well in there!

My progesterone this week was 50.8 (161.4) and the specialist is happy with that. She said minor fluctuations are normal, and as I had dropped my dose it was to be expected, but still well above where she wants me at the moment. She also wants me to stay on the current dose for the next week and see how we go.

I'm hoping to head back to school next week. The high progesterone and the midday dose is causing extreme fatigue but seems to have eased off a little. It's only three days so I'm hoping I can manage!

13 Weeks

So now we have reached 13w3d! Every day is another step closer and that's what I keep reminding myself. Today our baby is still with us and that has to be enough.

After my little scare on Monday I was thrilled to get my progesterone results back yesterday, 171! 53.4! Amazing! It's looking more likely that the placenta has well and truly kicked in as I had only been on the extra 400mg of progesterone for 2 days when this test was taken. On hearing the result our specialist was thrilled and wants me to drop down 200mg for the week and we will test again next week. If all is well, I'll drop 200mg a week until I am off.

Having heard that news, my anxiety then switched to the next available target - Monday. Monday is a big day for us. We are having our big 12 week (but almost 14 week) scan, redrawing for the NIPT and then in the afternoon I have my first midwife appointment which means going back to the hospital again. I am so scared of having to see that previous specialist again - I can't get it out of my head! I'm also a little worried that I won't have the results of that morning's scan to take with me, but my GP didn't seem to think that was a big deal.

I finally remembered to get my blood pressure taken again, back to 130/80 which is exactly normal for me. This was good news after my high reading at the previous hospital appointment with the high risk registrar.

Apart from that, the next question will be how much longer I can put off telling family. My little bump is obvious to me (I can feel it in the way all my clothes are starting to feel so snug!) but it's winter so jumpers and jackets and my natural 'padding' go a long way to hiding it, most of the time. It's just that weekly visit to my nan that has me worried! Nothing escapes her! I'm also really starting to feel that I want people to know about our baby. I want to be able to tell people about their grandchild, niece or nephew, or cousin, I really want people to acknowledge that this little one exists...but I also break out in a cold sweat thinking about it! The other thing that worries me is people thinking that suddenly our other babies don't matter, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I overheard someone talking in the supermarket about having two children under 2 years old and thought, 'That could have been me.' Needless to say tears soon followed.

As much as I am in love with the little one growing inside me, nothing will ever take the place of the babies we have loved before and lost.

12 Weeks

Week 12 has been an absolute rollercoaster. All the anxiety, all the time.

It started with a call from our specialists office to say that she was away sick, but our NIPT came back as 'no result' and that we would have to do another blood draw at 14 weeks. We booked this in for the same day as our 13 week scan. Then I started obsessing about all the reasons that we might have no result, maybe something is wrong with baby/placenta/my blood... and so on. We did a lot of reading over the next few hours and found that although they can do the test from 10 weeks (I had been 11w2d) they recommend at least 12-13 weeks. So I managed to calm down a little.

The following day I received a call from our specialist. She saw our 'no result' and knew that wouldn't be good enough for us, so she actually called the testing centre to find out more details. Apparently they don't report an official result unless more than 4% fetal DNA is found, and they only had 3.2% from me. However, of everything they did find, all the chromosomes were perfectly balanced, giving us a low risk result! Fantastic news! They also told us the gender of our little one, but I am not ready to share that just yet! We will still have the second blood draw done to confirm, but this really put us at ease.

I had also had my weekly progesterone test that morning and was anxiously awaiting the result. I just wanted it to be higher than the previous high result, and above 30. I didn't hear anything on Friday and then found out this was because my GP was on leave. AAAHHH! So I spent the weekend looking up everything there was to know about progesterone. So much so that I'm going to write a whole post dedicated to this troublesome hormone.

Monday school was back and I still hadn't heard. I confided in our acting AP that I was expecting a call and that depending on the result I may have to leave. She immediately told me to be sure to do whatever I need to do. So the call came through and my progesterone was only 28.25. I couldn't believe it. I was expecting a higher result as surely the placenta has taken over by now? I tried to call my specliast but she was in a meeting. Hearing how distressed I was, her lovely office booked us in for a scan and appointment with her for that afternoon.

Once again, bubba wriggled for us as soon as we saw the image on the screen. The relief I felt was immense. Hubby was lost for words, just watching our little jelly bean wriggle around. A healthy heartbeat and a growing placenta assured us that all was well. The specialist then added a midday dose to my progesterone regime (now 1200mg) and also recommended that I start taking vitamin D as my levels were low and this can affect progesterone in the body. Who knew?!

So I am off work for the rest of the week, after only being at school for one day. I don't even feel bad, although I know there will be so much for me to catch up on when I return. All I know is our little one is hanging in there and I want to give this the best chance I can.

10 weeks!

It's so hard to believe as I write this that I am 10w2d and everything is looking good. I still can't get my head around it, but then, I am not really trying to. It's easier to keep it in the background, rather than focus on it too much. Even that is easier said than done.

I have just had the results of my weekly progesterone and hcg test. My progesterone has risen to 32.5 (104 in the 'old' scale) which, finally, is the over 30 I was expecting to see all along. I have had to double my dose though, so I am now on 400mg twice a day. At the moment I am using two 200mg pessaries morning and night, which is incredibly uncomfortable but at $17 a day I don't want them to go to waste!

My hcg was 108,000 last week and 99,000 this week. It is normal for it to drop starting now and my GP was happy that this was just a small drop and nothing to worry about, she'd only worry if it was down by half. She also doesn't want me to have it tested next week (it was the specialist who suggested it) and I agree. At this point, it isn't telling us much about baby so I don't need the extra numbers to stress about! I have already spent the morning thinking that maybe baby died in the past day or two and it has only just started dropping and that's why it wasn't half yet... PAL is so full of anxiety!

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We still haven't told anyone about this baby except for one or two close friends and I almost feel like the longer this pregnancy continues the harder it gets. For example, I was considering telling my parents if today's results came back ok. Now I am thinking that I should wait until after our scan next week in case anything happens in the meantime. But then we are having the Harmony test done the same day and I know I will want to wait until after that comes back... It just goes on.

I know when it does come to telling that there will be so much angst, and I am having a hard enough time coping on my own, let alone dealing with all of that. After the "Why didn't you tell us sooner?" will come the, "Are you eating/drinking/resting enough?" and the constant checking up. Worse than that will be the platitudes that things will be different this time, or I just have to keep positive and so on. I know that I wont be able to respond to those sorts of comments lightly, because NO ONE knows how things will turn out this time and telling me YOU think it will is really no help at all.

I suppose the biggest problem is that I know the kind of support I need, and I know it is not the kind they can give. I need low key, check in every now and then, how are you going in general kind of support, not obsessive calling or messaging every day, questioning every appointment and decision and wanting to be around me all the time. We don't have that type of relationship normally and it frustrates me when they expect that to change all of a sudden. 

I also guess it is a lot to do with the lack of support in our losses. I know everyone thinks they are doing the right thing, or doing their best, but again, they're not listening to what WE need. For example, I repeatedly said after our most recent loss that I wasn't going to be calling people, but if they wanted to talk to us, call me and I would answer if I could. Pretty clear I would have thought. Yet my mum has only called once in the last month, and that was to tell me about something that had happened to someone else. Still, every time I see my grandmother she asks me if I have called my mum yet...

Next week is full of baby related appointments. GP on Wednesday for more progesterone, weekly blood test on Thursday and harmony test on Friday. They give us a quick scan before, just to make sure baby is ok before we pay for the test! If I can make it to Friday I might be able to breathe a little easier.

When the numbers don't add up

I have had three tests so far to measure my progesterone.

The first was at 4w5d and was 16.8.

The second was 6w and was 27.7

The third was at 8w1d and was 39.

Or so we thought.

- - -

On Friday night I received an urgent message from my doctor, who just a couple of hours earlier had told me how good my progesterone was looking. Apparently, she had been reading the numbers wrong, using the wrong units as she put it, and my numbers were actually low.

In a blind panic, I picked hubby up from work and raced to the clinic to see the genetic councilor who had noted the incorrect number and had written my a prescription for progesterone pessaries. They promised to wait behind for us to arrive.

All the fears of the day and the stresses about this pregnancy that I had been trying to hide come flooding out. I had been having cramps on and off for a couple of days, maybe we were too late?

As a reassurance, they offered us a scan then and there. They tried an abdominal scan but my bladder wasn't full enough to give a clear picture. We saw baby, but nothing was clear. I looked for that little flicker but saw nothing. Bladder emptied, we tried an internal scan and there, almost at once, baby's little heart flickered on the screen. Measuring high, I thought, at 180bpm but most certainly there and measuring perfectly.

They're convinced that we caught it in time, as my levels were still rising, just slowly and lower than they would like. Turns out my numbers were actually 5.8, 8.65 and 12.18. I'll be visiting the doctor on Wednesday to find out what happens next as I think they want to do weekly monitoring of my levels and have me on the pessaries until 14 weeks.

Typically, the terrible bloating that I have had for the last couple of weeks has also died down over the weekend, making me feel as though my 'bump' is gone, just another reason to stress but I am trying to keep my anxiety under control.

Let's hope that a completely avoidable medical mistake hasn't cost us our little one.