20 weeks!

We were so excited to finally get to see our baby girl again on Monday at 20w5d. Four weeks has been the longest time between scans but thankfully our doppler and her tiny kicks have been enough to assure us that she is doing ok.

I was doing really well with anxiety until we actually got in the car to drive to the scan. After all, I told hubby, this is often when couples find out that there is something developmentally wrong with their baby. Her heart and her brain were my two biggest worries, we already knew she had the right number of arms and legs!

We were lucky enough to go right in and I knew it would be a long scan right away as our little miss was wriggling like a mad thing. While this was a thrill for us to see, it made it super hard to get any measurements of the important parts. Between prodding with the ultrasound and having me change positions, then going out for a walk and 90 minutes later we had confirmation of everything except one measurement for her heart. The good news is, that means another scan in two weeks.

The only down side is this will be the first scan I have had this pregnancy that I have to go on my own. I know it's not logical, but I am terrified that this will mean something is wrong and I'll be on my own to try and cope with it. Trying not to think about it too much at this point, still two weeks away!

Hubby is still frustrated that he can't feel her moving yet, my placenta is making sure of that. There is such a narrow area of  'opportunity' but I have felt her much more strongly over the last couple of days, so I am hoping it isn't too much longer.

He's also started talking about preparing for her arrival. He told me that once we make it to 28 weeks he wants to start work on the nursery. A little scary for me, but he acknowledged that too. He's also decided that he doesn't want to decide her name until much closer. I'm definitely not sure about that! I said that I would prefer as soon as possible so I can start calling her by name. We then got distracted by thinking of names and didn't really come to a conclusion on that one!

I also, bravely, bought a little body suit. I managed it by telling myself that it wasn't for baby but for hubby, I wanted him to see how tiny she would be when she arrives. It worked a treat and he was amazed, holding it up over my bump.

I honestly have to say that since I have been able to feel her move more often, a lot of my anxiety has lessened. I am sure it will never go completely, but I am able to focus much more on the fact that she is here now, making her presence felt, than worrying about what might happen next.

When It Hurts

Just as pregnancy loss is an isolating experience, I am coming to find that pregnancy after loss can carry much of the same silence and awkwardness.

When I first started telling people about this little one, responses ranged from "How far along are you this time?" to "This time will be different." I also received many subdued "Congratulations" that almost seemed to have an undertone of doubt or even disbelief. I also had a couple of "Again?!" I'm not sure if this was due to the number of previous losses (people were quick to suggest we look at adoption after our last loss), or the short time between our last loss and this baby. I would have liked just one positive "Congratulations!" I knew that people would ask how far, that's one of the reasons we waited till we passed the 8 week point of our last loss before telling even family.

I have also found it hard to talk about my own feelings about this pregnancy. I'm constantly being told off for saying "if" but it is just not possible for me to say '"when" yet. I try to explain that it is not negativity, or even worry and anxiety - it is realism. I have been on the wrong side of the odds too many times to take anything for granted. I also can't talk about the fact that I am still mourning all our lost babies, but also still processing our loss from April and trying to get my head around the fact that if that baby had lived then we wouldn't have our little girl. I just get uncomprehending stares in return. I have people ask me why I am feeling sad, down or withdrawn, after all, I should be happy to be pregnant.

The thing I am finding most difficult at the moment is the feeling that I should be having a happy and painless pregnancy because I am lucky enough to actually be pregnant again. I guess this came to a head after reading a fellow loss mum's comment on an infertility group I was part of. It was basically along the lines of "I wouldn't complain about anything if I was pregnant, don't these women know how lucky they are? I can't stand hearing it!"

I found this really confronting, as while I am thankful beyond belief to be carrying this little one, the pregnancy itself is difficult for me. I truly believe I will do whatever it takes to get her here safely, but should I just have to grin and bear the pain? On top of the daily progesterone and the fatigue this causes (which is nothing more than an inconvenience), and the gestational diabetes, my back injury is starting to play up and the nerve pain in my leg is almost excruciating. At the moment, I can barely walk for 5 minutes before it becomes too much. I am also having troubles with round ligament pain and SPD.

Yes I am getting a support band, yes I have seen the physio, yes I am starting up hydro therapy again this week... but just because I am blessed to be pregnant again does that mean I can't say the words, "My leg is really hurting today."

I never expect everyone to understand what this experience feels like, and I know there are many women who would give anything to fall pregnant, but just as we don't expect them to suffer their losses in silence, why should the experience of pregnancy after loss be somehow immune from this kind of freedom and support?

Pregnancy is tough. Pregnancy after loss is tough.

Gender prediction

I honestly don't know how much longer I can refrain from using baby's gender when writing these posts, so time to put these gender prediction theories to the test and get to the bottom of it!

Chinese Lunar calendar prediction: girl
Fetal heart rate test, over 140: girl
Mayan calendar prediction (mothers age odd, year of conception even): boy
Morning sickness, relatively mild (no throwing up), just constant: boy
Sweet vs salty, I've gone completely off chocolate and crave salted crisps: boy
Acne/skin test: girl
Nipple test! Still the same colour: girl
Hairy legs test: boy
Moody test, yeah, I'm all over the place: girl
Dream test, I was dreaming about boys, or one of each: girl
Baby weight, it's all on the bum and hips: girl
Sleep position, prefer the right and more comfortable: girl
Breast growth, hasn't changed much: boy
Cold feet, hard to say being winter but haven't noticed much difference: girl

So... out of these 14 theories the results are girl:9 and boy:5

Of course at this stage (and we have known since 11 weeks) the only way to be sure is with a blood test. We used the Percept test and both times (we had a re-draw because the first sample free cell DNA wasn't high enough) the test has confirmed... it's a GIRL!

15 Weeks

I was back at school last week and completely exhausted, so no update! Two main things happened, one was my early glucose tolerance test which I'll post about next time, the other was a shopping trip with hubby.

It's rare for us to have two days off in a row together, much less the weekend, so when he knew he would be off hubby requested that we go shopping as he needed new shirts and trousers for work - fun! I also knew I needed a couple of extra tops for work, baby is making it's presence known!

I asked if possible could we stop in somewhere and buy a little something for baby. A blanket, a toy, a book... anything really, just something little to make it feel a bit more real and give a little optimism. Hubby readily agreed.

Shopping for ourselves was fine, although I did have a little moment in the first shop as all the clothes were horrible and too tight and clingy. I'm not even thinking of maternity clothes, just 'normal' clothes a couple of sizes larger.

Once I had bought my tops we went looking for something for baby. We checked out a couple of cots and car seats and confirmed our thoughts, but nowhere near ready being able to buy anything like that. We were looking at blankets and cot sets and there were so many lovely whites and greys, exactly what we have in mind for our little one's room. We ummed and ahhed over a few, hubby was even trying to get me to buy more than one as we couldn't decide!

Having made our choice of a lovely knitted blanket, a perfect match for the chair we have ordered, I was ready to leave. As we were, hubby spotted a "Love at first sight" ultrasound photo frame that he thought we should get. I burst into tears. I know it had been building, looking at all of the baby items, but all I could think of what that we still might lose this little one that we love more and more every moment. He was so lovely, giving me a hug and a kiss on the forehead as I sobbed in the middle of the store - something that would usually make him hugely uncomfortable. But he did it. For me. For us. It's not just baby that I love more and more every moment.

14 Weeks

Officially in the 2nd trimester for the first time! Woohoo!

We had our 13 week scan on Monday and bubba is looking perfect. Measuring right on track for every measurement and, even though we already have a low risk assessment from the NIPT, the NT measurements were all perfect as well. Was overwhelming to see all the little numbers, like the tiny thing bones measuring 1.2cm.

That afternoon we had the first midwife appointment at the hospital. Again I freaked out about having to see the Doctor from last time, thankfully he was nowhere to be seen. The appointment was much less complex than I thought it would be, basically she asked a few questions about diet and lifestyle, and told us a bit of information about parenting classes, etc. She did also say that due mainly to my age but also BMI I am high risk for gestational diabetes and that I have to go for an early GTT. That's booked in for next week.

After such a positive scan we decided to tell my family. It was really difficult. I just kept hearing over and over how 'things have worked out now' and really, who knows? There was also mention of 'first grandchild etc and that was hard to take. The first couple of times I corrected people, to acknowledge the babies we have lost, but in the end I just stopped, it was too upsetting to go over each time.

So to top it off I have been feeling a little odd since Tuesday night. After a busy day, I started to feel a little aching in the muscles on either side of my tummy. This stayed around on Wednesday and I didn't feel the little 'flutters' I've been thinking are baby. Still didn't feel 100% on Thursday and started to worry that something had gone wrong. I'm sure it was just my over reaction to telling people on Tuesday, I was sure I had jinxed this pregnancy somehow. Late Thursday everything seems to be back to 'normal' and I felt my little flutters last night and again this morning. I hope all is well in there!

My progesterone this week was 50.8 (161.4) and the specialist is happy with that. She said minor fluctuations are normal, and as I had dropped my dose it was to be expected, but still well above where she wants me at the moment. She also wants me to stay on the current dose for the next week and see how we go.

I'm hoping to head back to school next week. The high progesterone and the midday dose is causing extreme fatigue but seems to have eased off a little. It's only three days so I'm hoping I can manage!