35 weeks

It's still so hard to believe that we only have at most three weeks to go until we meet our little girl. I can so clearly remember a time when I didn't even think we would make it to 8 weeks let alone 38.

I had a vivid reminder of that sheer panic earlier in the week. I wrote previously about how my cousin's announcement that she was expecting her first had sent me into a spiral and that I was sure this meant she would get to keep her baby and we would not. Finding out that her little one arrived this past week brought all those feelings back. I just couldn't shake the feeling that this was it, her baby was here and those wiggles and pokes I was feeling as I read the news would be the last. Hubby said all the right things (he's getting very good at this!) but I still didn't manage to shake the feeling for a couple of days. It still pops up every now and then, but it's not even been a week since I found out, so I guess that's to be expected. We had actually talked about asking not to be notified, but I just never got around to mentioning it to anyone.

Things are going well for us. I stopped progesterone completely last week and I stop aspirin this week. GD seems well under control, I've only had one high in the last week when I had lunch out and even the wholegrain bread was obviously enough to send me over. Our 36 week growth scan was good and I'll take the report to the hospital tomorrow for my group of appointments. I see the psychologist, the midwife, the OB and have CTG for baby. Last time I was there for almost 6 hours.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a little smoother as I have to go back the next day for an endocrinologist appointment.

Bags are packed, car seat is installed, nursery is complete... now we just need our baby to come home with us.

21 and 22 weeks

Things seem to be speeding up around here! I feel like I am back to appointments almost every other day and while it is so very good to know that everything is progressing well, it is so exhausting.

After my scan last week I had a bit of a break, although also had to go in to school to finalize things. I know there are a few people wondering why I am off so early, but the face that I feel so much more relaxed now is just amazing. And it has made SUCH an improvement to the pain in my leg! 

This week I saw the endochrinologist for a follow up on my GD and they have stopped my metformin. It was a bit of a struggle the first morning, wondering if it was going to hurt baby but she gave me a little kick which I took as a sign of reassurance. They said they needed to do this now as there is some evidence that it can cross the placenta and after 28 weeks this could cause problems for baby. I just have to keep a close eye on my blood glucose as the metformin was also acting to reduce this.

Everything else there is going ok. I am getting better at judging what and when to eat, although I have had a few nights where I just HAD to eat something late, especially when we stay up late to watch the football - it's hard to make it to 2am without something to sustain me!! It does make my morning numbers a bit higher, but still within range so I am not too worried yet.

I then had my hospital appointment which, all things considered, was the best one yet. I still had to wait for ages, but once I was in the doctor was lovely. She had a student who struggled with everything, couldn't take my blood pressure, couldn't measure baby, poked me WAY to hard when feeling for baby and then couldn't find baby's heartbeat with the doppler. I could feel her wiggling, so I knew she was ok, and I even told the student where I usually found the heartbeat at home. No luck!

The doctor found an ancient ultrasound machine, just to locate baby's heart (and bonus I got to see her wiggle again although the image was terrible!) as the machine was too old to even have sound. They still couldn't get the heartbeat, so I just asked if I could have a try - got it immediately and a nice little 152 popped up on the monitor. That's my girl :)

I was given pathology slips for rhesus anitbodies (I'll have an anti-D at 28 weeks all being well) and iron levels. I asked about Vitamin D and was told that they are no longer allowed to request this unless there is proven low Vitamin D (I wonder how they would know this without testing?). I showed her my previous result and she added it to the request right away! 

I also have slips for ultrasounds every 2 weeks, 26, 28 and 30 weeks for now. They said they'll keep on eye on baby and take things week by week. I then asked about delivery and this doctor was sure that my back would be no hurdle to 'natural' birth, even when I told her that when it goes off I can be bedridden for weeks, not ideal with new baby. So she's asked me to bring my xray and scans next time for review.

In the meantime, I have also found out that, given the overall picture, they feel it's best for me to stay at this hospital and not transfer. I guess I understand, I certainly wasn't as upset about it as I thought I might be. Talking about my experiences there the last pregnancy she felt I was showing signs of PTSD which I had thought about but not really acted on. She's referred me to a psych service within the maternity ward. 

Next week is already filling up with physio and follow up scan for baby to hopefully measure those tricky bits of her heart she wouldn't let us see last time. As well as my usual weekly progesterone level blood test. 

Now to tackle the house...

20 weeks!

We were so excited to finally get to see our baby girl again on Monday at 20w5d. Four weeks has been the longest time between scans but thankfully our doppler and her tiny kicks have been enough to assure us that she is doing ok.

I was doing really well with anxiety until we actually got in the car to drive to the scan. After all, I told hubby, this is often when couples find out that there is something developmentally wrong with their baby. Her heart and her brain were my two biggest worries, we already knew she had the right number of arms and legs!

We were lucky enough to go right in and I knew it would be a long scan right away as our little miss was wriggling like a mad thing. While this was a thrill for us to see, it made it super hard to get any measurements of the important parts. Between prodding with the ultrasound and having me change positions, then going out for a walk and 90 minutes later we had confirmation of everything except one measurement for her heart. The good news is, that means another scan in two weeks.

The only down side is this will be the first scan I have had this pregnancy that I have to go on my own. I know it's not logical, but I am terrified that this will mean something is wrong and I'll be on my own to try and cope with it. Trying not to think about it too much at this point, still two weeks away!

Hubby is still frustrated that he can't feel her moving yet, my placenta is making sure of that. There is such a narrow area of  'opportunity' but I have felt her much more strongly over the last couple of days, so I am hoping it isn't too much longer.

He's also started talking about preparing for her arrival. He told me that once we make it to 28 weeks he wants to start work on the nursery. A little scary for me, but he acknowledged that too. He's also decided that he doesn't want to decide her name until much closer. I'm definitely not sure about that! I said that I would prefer as soon as possible so I can start calling her by name. We then got distracted by thinking of names and didn't really come to a conclusion on that one!

I also, bravely, bought a little body suit. I managed it by telling myself that it wasn't for baby but for hubby, I wanted him to see how tiny she would be when she arrives. It worked a treat and he was amazed, holding it up over my bump.

I honestly have to say that since I have been able to feel her move more often, a lot of my anxiety has lessened. I am sure it will never go completely, but I am able to focus much more on the fact that she is here now, making her presence felt, than worrying about what might happen next.

12 Weeks

Week 12 has been an absolute rollercoaster. All the anxiety, all the time.

It started with a call from our specialists office to say that she was away sick, but our NIPT came back as 'no result' and that we would have to do another blood draw at 14 weeks. We booked this in for the same day as our 13 week scan. Then I started obsessing about all the reasons that we might have no result, maybe something is wrong with baby/placenta/my blood... and so on. We did a lot of reading over the next few hours and found that although they can do the test from 10 weeks (I had been 11w2d) they recommend at least 12-13 weeks. So I managed to calm down a little.

The following day I received a call from our specialist. She saw our 'no result' and knew that wouldn't be good enough for us, so she actually called the testing centre to find out more details. Apparently they don't report an official result unless more than 4% fetal DNA is found, and they only had 3.2% from me. However, of everything they did find, all the chromosomes were perfectly balanced, giving us a low risk result! Fantastic news! They also told us the gender of our little one, but I am not ready to share that just yet! We will still have the second blood draw done to confirm, but this really put us at ease.

I had also had my weekly progesterone test that morning and was anxiously awaiting the result. I just wanted it to be higher than the previous high result, and above 30. I didn't hear anything on Friday and then found out this was because my GP was on leave. AAAHHH! So I spent the weekend looking up everything there was to know about progesterone. So much so that I'm going to write a whole post dedicated to this troublesome hormone.

Monday school was back and I still hadn't heard. I confided in our acting AP that I was expecting a call and that depending on the result I may have to leave. She immediately told me to be sure to do whatever I need to do. So the call came through and my progesterone was only 28.25. I couldn't believe it. I was expecting a higher result as surely the placenta has taken over by now? I tried to call my specliast but she was in a meeting. Hearing how distressed I was, her lovely office booked us in for a scan and appointment with her for that afternoon.

Once again, bubba wriggled for us as soon as we saw the image on the screen. The relief I felt was immense. Hubby was lost for words, just watching our little jelly bean wriggle around. A healthy heartbeat and a growing placenta assured us that all was well. The specialist then added a midday dose to my progesterone regime (now 1200mg) and also recommended that I start taking vitamin D as my levels were low and this can affect progesterone in the body. Who knew?!

So I am off work for the rest of the week, after only being at school for one day. I don't even feel bad, although I know there will be so much for me to catch up on when I return. All I know is our little one is hanging in there and I want to give this the best chance I can.

Scan update!

That's our baby's heartbeat! A visual representation of the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. 156bmp which is right around the average for 11 weeks (150bpm).

We were told we would have a 'quick scan' before the NIPT to make sure that the pregnancy was still 'viable'- we weren't expecting such a detailed scan! We were in there for well over 10 minutes, for us this an eternity compared to scans in our last pregnancy.

The moment we saw the image baby did a little wiggle and kept wiggling for the first few minutes. It was amazing the amount of detail we could see compared to last time and hubby was truly in awe of the little person he could see on the screen. He's also convinced it's a boy, but promises he wont be too disappointed if it's a girl!

I also found out that my cervix is measuring 3.7cm which is good (anything over 3 they said at this stage) which was a relief as I'd had a nightmare the night before that it was less an two and shrinking as we watched on the screen.

I also found out that I have an anterior placenta, which means that I probably wont feel baby move until about 20 weeks according to the sonographer.  I was considering getting a doppler but thought I'd be able to hold out till feeling movement at 16 weeks or so, but I don't think I can wait that long so we might actually look into it. I know anterior placenta can interfere with that too, so a little more research is on the cards!

We were recommended to have the Percept test rather than Harmony or Panorama due to a higher accuracy with older/higher BMI women. It is also an Australian based test and we are expecting the results in 3-5 days, so should know by the end of next week.

I was just about ready to relax and actually think about the future of this little one, when my GP called the clinic during our appointment with our latest progesterone results. Having been on 800mg for the last week, I was expecting a nice high number, but it was actually lower than my last result, 88 rather than 105. They assured me that this was fine, still within the normal range, and was probably because I had taken the test much later in the day than normal. I'm going to make sure I go as close to the same time as possible each week now!

We have almost decided to tell family after we get our results back. I am happy with that decision, at the moment! I actually really wanted to call my dad today, but decided that a few more days wont hurt!

11 Weeks

11w1d...amazing.

I am still not convinced that the scan tomorrow will go well and I am getting a little tired of people (GP and hubby) trying to calm me. I don't really need reassurances, I need to be allowed to explain how I am feeling and what I am thinking.

I also feel a little like my anxiety is just being explained away as a result of our past losses, rather than being offered any help or ideas for how to cope with it. I tried to explain to my GP yesterday that I was having trouble sleeping and that I just can't imagine that everything will be ok tomorrow, and she just said, "Well, you know that from past experience."

This is once huge area where I feel I've been let down repeatedly. My first GP who knew I had a history of depression didn't even mention anything after our first loss. After our second I had to ask her about seeing someone. Our new GP seems to think that because I can talk about it, I can handle it. Even when we were sitting in the hospital this year, just having found out that our baby had no heartbeat and being asked how we wanted to proceed, no one even offered us a piece of paper with support services listed, and how hard could that be?

I keep trying to tell myself that everything seems to be going well. I have had no real cramping and no spotting or bleeding. When I say no real cramping, I have had some weird stretching/pressure pains low down in my pelvis and from what I could explain my physio seems to think that it's pelvic girdle pain. I have still been feeling super tired, partly from not sleeping well and also because I haven't had my normal mid-afternoon nap the last couple of days - to try and help me sleep at night! My always low level nausea flared up for a couple of days but has died right down again, as long as I eat at least something small every couple of hours I am ok. My skin is going dry, something I have never had in all my life. Other than that I am increasingly forgetful (I put it down to fatigue) and emotional. The last ridiculous thing I got teary over was an old episode of Stargate!

I just want to stop analyzing everything but I also know that this isn't likely. I'll go to the scan tomorrow and if everything is fine, I'll be ok for a couple of days and then I'll start worrying about what we'll see on the next scan.

Expectant miscarriage

Maybe I am just weak. I feel completely drained and exhausted and today is the first day in a week that I haven't taken any painkillers (yet).

After my scan last Wednesday hubby came home and we had a long talk about what do do next, waiting, medication or d&c. He was very reluctant to have any input, as he said I was the one who would ultimately have to go through it, but I felt that even if I was to make the final decision it was important that I knew his feelings about it.

We decided that I would ring the clinic the following day to schedule a d&c and ask about testing for our baby. Somehow we got on to the point of whether or not they would be able to tell us the sex of the baby, and if they could did we want to know.  I was really torn, but hubby said that as we didn't know for any of the others, it didn't feel right to make this baby any different. I understand that, and then he said that it would be too much for him to know and make it too hard to cope with, making it more real.

A little less than an hour after this highly emotional conversation I started bleeding. The decision was out of our hands. I had a little pain but not much more bleeding and slept with some kind of peace knowing that things were happening. 

The following morning there wasn't much bleeding and the day passed ok. That night the pain started building to the point where I was shaking and vomiting and hubby called the nurse on call. She told us to head to Emergency and so we did.

I didn't have to wait long, I must have looked a right mess, and they started with all their tests and so on. Soon after I arrived I passed 4 or 5 really large clots and I just couldn't look, even though they kept asking me how much I had passed. I know baby was only 1.5cm but I just couldn't take the chance of seeing something. Almost as heartbreaking as the thought of flushing our baby down the toilet and the thought of it all, and the previous four times, makes me feel sick still.

 They asked what pain relief I had been prescribed when I chose to wait and were shocked to hear that I had been told to expect a 'heavy period' and that panadol and a hot water bottle should do the trick. I already knew from past experience that it would be painful, but what I was experiencing then was almost unimaginable. All the monitoring they were doing showed that far from normal period cramps, I was experiencing contractions as my body tried to birth my baby. 

They were also concerned about my blood pressure which was crazy (most likely from the pain they said) and my white cell count which was above the normal range indicating that my body was fighting some kind of infection. Eventually, an internal examination (super painful) showed that my cervix was still open and nothing was blocking it, the pain was managed, my blood pressure came down and I was given my antiD and sent on my way.

That night and the next day are a bit of a haze of pain and painkillers and it slowly got more manageable. The last few days were nothing more than one or two episodes of cramps and heavy bleeding a day. By the following Tuesday a scan showed that everything has passed and my WCC had dropped right down to 6.

Physically, it was over in 6 days after we found out. Emotionally, only time will tell.


 

The storm continues

It may sound strange to say, but the scan I had on Wednesday which confirmed that we had lost our little one was the loveliest scan I have had so far.

I went to my GP in the morning, following our last scan with the specialist and she was horrified to hear what had been happening since I last saw her. (I should also add, she was fully booked but when I said what was happening she made a point of seeing me during her break time)

She immediately rang a private scan centre nearby and asked if they could squeeze me in, they told me to come down asap. My doctor also suggested that I should go straight there, not wait until hubby was off work the next day. It meant going alone, which we both hated, but there was no choice as he couldn't get anyone to replace him at work (more on that another day).

Thankfully, there was only one other couple waiting and they were gone almost immediately, so I didn't have to listen to their excited conversation. My doctor had made a point of letting them know that it was a suspected miscarriage, I didn't want some poor tech to be traumatised by the thought of giving me bad news. As much as I was hoping for the best, we were prepared for the worst.

She was so patient and kind, asking questions about my health and the pregnancy. When she was doing the scan, she explained everything that she was doing and took multiple measurements. She pointed out to me on the screen all the things she was looking at and looking for. She didn't just stop at looking for a heartbeat, she also looked for blood flow. She measured our little baby from different angles and gave us a better idea of when baby had stopped growing. I can't adequately express the calm, peace and empathy the lovely tech conveyed.

As she packed up and went to call my doctor with the report, she handed me a little print out of the clearest image she had managed to get. That's when I finally gave in to my grief. They even asked if they could take me out the back for a cup of tea so I didn't have to wait in the main waiting room. Just so kind and considerate. They even did the scan free of charge which was completely unexpected.

I went straight to hubby's work and we looked at our little photo and cried together. I just wish he had been able to come, he's still pretty traumatised by how we were treated at the previous scan and I think it would have eased him a little.

Five pregnancies and five losses seems almost too much to bear. But we will. Somehow.

In need of a miracle

We're really in need of one of those miracles we hear so much about.

After being on bed rest of the week, and noticing that my spotting had stopped and my symptoms were 'developing' (read every growing boobs, gas production off the charts, etc) we arrived at yesterday's scan with just a little optimism.

We waited an hour before being brought in, not to the scanning room but to the fetal monitoring section. When they asked how far along I was and I replied 8 and a half weeks, the midwife scurried off, only to return and tell me to wait outside again for the specialist.

After another hour (and overhearing a conversation about why I was here and how they were supposed to prepare the room for us - and the midwife in charge having plainly no idea what they were talking about) the specialist whizzed past and told me to come in to the room with him. Unfortunately, there was already someone in the bed. Who he promptly moved out and got ready for my scan.

The abdominal scan wasn't very clear (having been holding for more than 3 hours at this stage!) and so he wanted to do another internal. Then he couldn't find the probe, or the cover, so after yelling at someone and telling us that 'everything has gone to pot' as the two head midwives were away, he just put a rubber glove over the probe and went from there. Then remembered to tell me to go and empty my bladder. It was absolutely surreal and I just felt like it must be a dream. I mean, we knew they were bad, but not this bad, surely?!

Unfortunately things just got worse. He had such a hard time finding baby, and then when he did, he couldn't get a good view. Then he told us that he couldn't find a fetal heartbeat. He asked for my wrist as he was seeing something, but thought it was just my heartbeat. He said the two pulses matched. He then measured and said baby was measuring exactly the same as last week and that the low fluid must have caused too much distress.

We were then told to change and think about our options in the waiting room, surrounded by heavily pregnant women. As soon as we had the chance to speak privately both hubby and I said we were convinced he'd made a mistake. Sure, we're probably in denial, but he's made this mistake before and everything was so rushed and poorly organised it just didn't seem real.

We were taken back in to speak with one of the consulting gynecologists who had been told we wanted a d&c. I told her we said no such thing and that we wanted to wait and see what happened. That I had already carried and lost my other babies and I didn't want this one to be any different. She then had to go and find out what the hospital procedure was for a 'natural' miscarriage!

After yet more waiting, we were told we could come back in a week and they would check on me, make sure I wasn't showing any signs of infection and they'd ask me again if I wanted medical intervention. If in the meantime I started bleeding through more than four pads in an hour, or was in severe pain, I should report to the ED, otherwise, see you next week.

It still seems so unreal. I have an appointment with my GP today and I am asking for another scan, somewhere else, just to confirm. Then we'll see what happens next.

We've got ourselves a fighter!

To get the best and most wonderful news out of the way first, our little baby is growing perfectly and we saw its tiny heartbeat for the first time. So amazing. Such a miracle.

Now to how we got there...

For the third week in a row the clinic messed up our appointment. This time they actually had us booked in (makes a change) but had us booked for the normal antenatal clinic, not the specialist early pregnancy clinic.

This meant not only sitting in a room full of hugely pregnant bellies not even knowing if our babe was still there (and lots of tears on my part due to the extreme anxiety of it all) but it also meant waiting three HOURS for an appointment that we should have waited no more than 30 minutes for.

When we were finally called in, the specialist asked what I was there for. I know they have so many patients to see, but considering that our last appointment with him lead to the week from hell it was a little hard to hear. I explained. He asked me how the week had been and I told him I'd had a little spotting on a couple of days and he just nodded his head as if confirming his diagnosis. I was shaking like a leaf by this stage. He then suggested we head over for the scan to 'confirm things' and go from there.

In the end we had to wait another 30 minutes or so and then the lovely midwife who we had seen two weeks ago came to see how we were doing. She asked us to fill her in on all that had happened and was very understanding. Then the specialist flew in, poked around with the probe causing quite a lot of pain, looked at the monitor and said 'fetal heart.' He turned the screen around and there for the first time we saw our little baby and the oh so tiny flicker of it's rapidly beating heart. I must have let out a terrible sound, I know I was sobbing like mad, because the midwife came running back in, then looked at the screen and grabbed my knee and said something encouraging. I have no idea, all I remember was squeezing hubby's hand so tight, and seeing the enormous grin on his face, before turning back to the screen. I didn't take my eyes off it again until the scan was done.

Baby was measuring 6 weeks 3 days (according to the single measurement he did, still not convinced it was 100% accurate) which is about 2 or 3 days behind where I thought we were, SO much better than the two WEEKS behind we were told last week. The tiny little heart registered 123bmp.

Now we wait for next week. In the meantime, I have baby's first photo to stare at in amazement.

Another day on the rollercoaster

Today we had our first scan.

After confirming an intrauterine pregnancy (yay!) and a gestational sac, we were then told that the sac was only measuring 4w3d and that based on my dates (which were never discussed) was probably a missed miscarriage.

Devastated doesn't even begin to cover it. I was told to come back in a week if there had been no bleeding for another scan and to discuss 'options.' I had to practically beg the midwife for an hcg test. At least if the numbers were going down I would know what was coming. She agreed, and we left the hospital fearing that our little one was gone.

In the next few hours, waiting for her to call with the results, I learned some interesting things.

Firstly, the size of the gestational sac is supposed to be based on an average of three measurements from different angles. He only took one. It can also be affected by positioning of the uterus, etc. I know from previous scans that my uterus is tipped backwards. To get correct measurements with a tipped uterus can take some doing. My scan lasted only a matter of one or two minutes, so I can't say how thorough it was.

Secondly, 6.3mm is in the range for 5 weeks, not 4, which is still a little behind where I thought I was but could be attributed to late ovulation and implantation.

I was starting to have a little hope, but knew that it would rest on the hcg levels. My result came back at 3700 and the midwife was really happy. I can't tell you the relief, but also the anger that I felt for putting us through that this morning.

I know we are not out of the woods. My levels are doubling just less than the recommended time (but still going up!) and baby is measuring small... but still there! She has recommended me not to take another hcg test in the meantime as different labs can give different results and she doesn't want me worried for nothing.

So we wait another week on the rollercoaster and maybe next week will bring us more good news. We know that a blighted ovum is still a possibility, but we're choosing to hope that the next scan will show us our growing baby.