29 weeks

Our little pumpkin is wriggling away as I write. She moves almost constantly now, with little rest breaks throughout the day. I love every moment of it.

I have had a few moments of panic when my schedule has changed (getting up earlier for appointments) and so I haven't felt her move at the same times. I have used the doppler a couple of times, mostly because I know it gets her moving! If I was to hear her heartbeat but still no movement I'd be calling the hospital immediately.

My 28 week appointment was a total disaster. I know I have mentioned before how much I hate this hospital and my desire not to have to go there every again... just when I think it'll be ok I have another terrible appointment.

I managed not to cry until I got to the hospital, usually the anxiety of going there was me in a wreck before I even get in the car to drive there. I had the antiD injection, routine enough, then waited to see the doctor. Not a long wait which was nice, but then I got a lecture about not having my scans at the hospital as he couldn't find the results. I told him that at the last appointment the doctor had rung the clinic who had faxed the results immediately. He told me rather than that I should just come back in two weeks. He then took my blood pressure, measured the size of my bump with his hands and that was it. I asked him if he wanted to test my sample, he took it but didn't test it. I asked him if he wanted to look at my xrays to talk about my back injury and delivery options, he said no and that was it. I was a bit upset and shocked by how quick and abrupt the appointment was, and when I got to the desk to book the follow up and was told they couldn't fit me in, I broke down.

I understand it is not the receptionists fault, and I made sure to tell her that, it was just that I'd been told if the scans showed anything I would be sent for two weekly checks, and now here I was coming back in two weeks without the last scan being checked and something could have been picked up that would be too late by then... I couldn't get my head around it. Then to be told that I would just have to wait and see if there was a cancellation, was just too much.

I came home and hubby was angry to see how upset I was. He looked in my notes and saw that besides the antiD, nothing had been done or discussed that was set for the 28 week appointment. He rang the hospital to complain and was put through to their customer experience department who were at lunch. He then rang the clinic where we had our scans to see if they could email them to us, which they were more than happy to do... but their computers were down. So he then rand to ask to speak to my GP. We knew that she wouldn't be able to discuss the scan fully over the phone, all we wanted to know was if anything had come up that needed to be followed up sooner rather than later. Thankfully, she told us that everything in the conclusions report was 'normal' which was wonderful to hear.

I have since been to the maternal psychologist and before I left, she made a point to tell me that she thinks all our experiences at the hospital should be reported and we should make an official complaint. It was nice to know that I wasn't overreacting!

I've had a terrible head cold which has had my blood glucose numbers all over the place and my diabetes educator has increased my insulin accordingly. She felt that even if the high numbers were just due to illness, the demand for insulin on my body was only going to get higher and that I had done well to be on such a low dose for such a long time.

I have a follow up progesterone test on Monday to see what impact dropping my 400mg midday dosage has had - that'll be the next thing to keep me awake at night. Before gearing up for another hospital appointment on Friday!

23 Weeks

Our little mango is the size of a Barbie doll this week according to Ovia. This got me thinking about all of those issues to do with raising girls, gender stereotypes, body image and so on.

More than anything though, this week has seen a huge spike in my anxiety levels. It started with a dream last week that I delivered our girl at 23 weeks, so I guess I have that in the back of my mind. Her movements have also changed this week, which I know is normal at this early stage. She's still kicking just as much, but her quiet times have changed from morning to mid afternoon. I have probably used the doppler more this week than in the last 2 or 3 weeks combined.

I think the main reason though, and this only came out last night while I was talking to hubby about all of this, is that we are so close to the magical 24 week 'viability' goal. I know there is no guarantee after that, but it makes me feel a little better to know that at least they would try to keep her alive. But for these next few days, she's just agonizingly short of that cut off.

I am still not convinced that she's going to be staying with us. It is really hard to plan for a future with her here. I was looking for a photo on my computer the other day when I noticed that none of the videos from our 20 week scan were showing up. Knowing I had deleted them from the USB prior to the last scan, I went into a total meltdown. I was convinced that these few precious videos and photos are the only evidence we will have that our baby girl ever existed and to think that they were gone was too much. Thankfully, it was my fuzzy brain causing the error, not the computer and the files were still there. Still, it shook me how strong those feelings of loss were.

Even as I am in the process of clearing out my office to convert to a nursery, I am still looking at is as decluttering, rather than preparing baby's room. Hubby has convinced me to take the leap and buy a bassinet this week as the one we like is on sale. The only way I am going to manage that is if I buy online, there is no way I can go into a baby store just yet, let alone on my own.

Everything else seems to be going well. My progesterone is still rising, my blood glucose levels are under control and my blood pressure is stable. Here's to making it to 24 weeks!

21 and 22 weeks

Things seem to be speeding up around here! I feel like I am back to appointments almost every other day and while it is so very good to know that everything is progressing well, it is so exhausting.

After my scan last week I had a bit of a break, although also had to go in to school to finalize things. I know there are a few people wondering why I am off so early, but the face that I feel so much more relaxed now is just amazing. And it has made SUCH an improvement to the pain in my leg! 

This week I saw the endochrinologist for a follow up on my GD and they have stopped my metformin. It was a bit of a struggle the first morning, wondering if it was going to hurt baby but she gave me a little kick which I took as a sign of reassurance. They said they needed to do this now as there is some evidence that it can cross the placenta and after 28 weeks this could cause problems for baby. I just have to keep a close eye on my blood glucose as the metformin was also acting to reduce this.

Everything else there is going ok. I am getting better at judging what and when to eat, although I have had a few nights where I just HAD to eat something late, especially when we stay up late to watch the football - it's hard to make it to 2am without something to sustain me!! It does make my morning numbers a bit higher, but still within range so I am not too worried yet.

I then had my hospital appointment which, all things considered, was the best one yet. I still had to wait for ages, but once I was in the doctor was lovely. She had a student who struggled with everything, couldn't take my blood pressure, couldn't measure baby, poked me WAY to hard when feeling for baby and then couldn't find baby's heartbeat with the doppler. I could feel her wiggling, so I knew she was ok, and I even told the student where I usually found the heartbeat at home. No luck!

The doctor found an ancient ultrasound machine, just to locate baby's heart (and bonus I got to see her wiggle again although the image was terrible!) as the machine was too old to even have sound. They still couldn't get the heartbeat, so I just asked if I could have a try - got it immediately and a nice little 152 popped up on the monitor. That's my girl :)

I was given pathology slips for rhesus anitbodies (I'll have an anti-D at 28 weeks all being well) and iron levels. I asked about Vitamin D and was told that they are no longer allowed to request this unless there is proven low Vitamin D (I wonder how they would know this without testing?). I showed her my previous result and she added it to the request right away! 

I also have slips for ultrasounds every 2 weeks, 26, 28 and 30 weeks for now. They said they'll keep on eye on baby and take things week by week. I then asked about delivery and this doctor was sure that my back would be no hurdle to 'natural' birth, even when I told her that when it goes off I can be bedridden for weeks, not ideal with new baby. So she's asked me to bring my xray and scans next time for review.

In the meantime, I have also found out that, given the overall picture, they feel it's best for me to stay at this hospital and not transfer. I guess I understand, I certainly wasn't as upset about it as I thought I might be. Talking about my experiences there the last pregnancy she felt I was showing signs of PTSD which I had thought about but not really acted on. She's referred me to a psych service within the maternity ward. 

Next week is already filling up with physio and follow up scan for baby to hopefully measure those tricky bits of her heart she wouldn't let us see last time. As well as my usual weekly progesterone level blood test. 

Now to tackle the house...

19 weeks

Or the size of a retro gameboy!

My 19th week had been fairly uneventful. Wiggly feelings were starting to turn into definite kicks and we can pick up her beautiful heartbeat almost immediately every night.

Thankfully, our weekly progesterone test showed a huge rebound and we were back up to levels measuring one week ahead. The plan now is to continue on the same dose until 28 weeks, as long as the results keep tracking this way.

The hubby had the weekend off so we ventured out to do a little shopping. Not more than 10 minutes in and I was in all sorts of pain in my leg and terrible pulling feelings in my groin. SO much so that I was in tears in the middle of the shopping centre.

It wasn't just the pain making me cry, it was the thought that here I was, not even 20 weeks and in such pain walking around a store and just about to finish work ealy... when all the #fitpregnancy talk makes me feel like a complete failure because I can't climb a mountain to pose for bump pics!

In addition to that, I have had to start insulin for my GD. My numbers are all pretty much under the limits, but because I am already on metformin (for PCO) and that would be lowering my numbers already and I have to come off that before third trimester... well, they wanted to start me now.

It's not a huge drama, but it is just one more thing to worry about. What to eat, when to eat and being scared of overnight lows when I take my bedtime dose. People much braver than me have to face a lifetime of this, I know I only have a few months ahead of me.

Officially halfway too, as the current plan is still c-section at 37/38 weeks. So hard to believe but oh so amazing.

17 Weeks

Or the size of a playstation controller according to Ovia!

The past week has been a tricky one. My progesterone levels have dropped, a LOT, from 50 to 40. I can't even explain the anxiety this has caused. My specialist says she's not worried yet, and to see what happens this week. Could just be a fluke.

The main thing to worry about here is early labour, so every little twinge or pain is sending me into a panic. I am doing my best to stay calm and our doppler is certainly helping in that regard. Our baby girl's little heart is beating away at a steady 160ish bpm every night when we check before bed.

I had also had a couple of high bgl readings during my first week of testing. I knew that it was due to what I had eaten, really testing myself out to see what I could and couldn't eat (read, too many hot chips, too much rice and pasta!) but I didn't know what the outcome of that would be at my one week check up. Thankfully, they were happy with my reasoning and so I only have to go back in two weeks for a check up with the endocrinologist, rather than an urgent on the day appointment.

So besides waiting for my progesterone test this week, I'm waiting for another test result. One possible cause of the low or dropping progesterone is the MTHFR mutation, which I have never been tested for. Some of the symptoms fit (wheat allergy) but others don't (dairy intolerance). I don't really know what it will mean if the test comes back positive and in this case I have chosen not to google - I'll just wait for the result which can take up to a week.

The main thing scaring me is the progesterone. They've already said the think that is the reason for our previous losses, so the background thoughts of losing our little girl have come right to the front. I've had dreams for the past two nights of waking up bleeding - this usually happens the day before AF arrives so it is genuinely worrying to me to have such dreams now.

This little one is already such a part of us, perhaps even more so than her siblings before her, it is all I can do to keep thoughts of losing her at bay. I just keep reminding myself that she's here now, and doing fine. And at the moment, that's all I can ask for.