35 weeks

It's still so hard to believe that we only have at most three weeks to go until we meet our little girl. I can so clearly remember a time when I didn't even think we would make it to 8 weeks let alone 38.

I had a vivid reminder of that sheer panic earlier in the week. I wrote previously about how my cousin's announcement that she was expecting her first had sent me into a spiral and that I was sure this meant she would get to keep her baby and we would not. Finding out that her little one arrived this past week brought all those feelings back. I just couldn't shake the feeling that this was it, her baby was here and those wiggles and pokes I was feeling as I read the news would be the last. Hubby said all the right things (he's getting very good at this!) but I still didn't manage to shake the feeling for a couple of days. It still pops up every now and then, but it's not even been a week since I found out, so I guess that's to be expected. We had actually talked about asking not to be notified, but I just never got around to mentioning it to anyone.

Things are going well for us. I stopped progesterone completely last week and I stop aspirin this week. GD seems well under control, I've only had one high in the last week when I had lunch out and even the wholegrain bread was obviously enough to send me over. Our 36 week growth scan was good and I'll take the report to the hospital tomorrow for my group of appointments. I see the psychologist, the midwife, the OB and have CTG for baby. Last time I was there for almost 6 hours.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a little smoother as I have to go back the next day for an endocrinologist appointment.

Bags are packed, car seat is installed, nursery is complete... now we just need our baby to come home with us.

29 weeks

Our little pumpkin is wriggling away as I write. She moves almost constantly now, with little rest breaks throughout the day. I love every moment of it.

I have had a few moments of panic when my schedule has changed (getting up earlier for appointments) and so I haven't felt her move at the same times. I have used the doppler a couple of times, mostly because I know it gets her moving! If I was to hear her heartbeat but still no movement I'd be calling the hospital immediately.

My 28 week appointment was a total disaster. I know I have mentioned before how much I hate this hospital and my desire not to have to go there every again... just when I think it'll be ok I have another terrible appointment.

I managed not to cry until I got to the hospital, usually the anxiety of going there was me in a wreck before I even get in the car to drive there. I had the antiD injection, routine enough, then waited to see the doctor. Not a long wait which was nice, but then I got a lecture about not having my scans at the hospital as he couldn't find the results. I told him that at the last appointment the doctor had rung the clinic who had faxed the results immediately. He told me rather than that I should just come back in two weeks. He then took my blood pressure, measured the size of my bump with his hands and that was it. I asked him if he wanted to test my sample, he took it but didn't test it. I asked him if he wanted to look at my xrays to talk about my back injury and delivery options, he said no and that was it. I was a bit upset and shocked by how quick and abrupt the appointment was, and when I got to the desk to book the follow up and was told they couldn't fit me in, I broke down.

I understand it is not the receptionists fault, and I made sure to tell her that, it was just that I'd been told if the scans showed anything I would be sent for two weekly checks, and now here I was coming back in two weeks without the last scan being checked and something could have been picked up that would be too late by then... I couldn't get my head around it. Then to be told that I would just have to wait and see if there was a cancellation, was just too much.

I came home and hubby was angry to see how upset I was. He looked in my notes and saw that besides the antiD, nothing had been done or discussed that was set for the 28 week appointment. He rang the hospital to complain and was put through to their customer experience department who were at lunch. He then rang the clinic where we had our scans to see if they could email them to us, which they were more than happy to do... but their computers were down. So he then rand to ask to speak to my GP. We knew that she wouldn't be able to discuss the scan fully over the phone, all we wanted to know was if anything had come up that needed to be followed up sooner rather than later. Thankfully, she told us that everything in the conclusions report was 'normal' which was wonderful to hear.

I have since been to the maternal psychologist and before I left, she made a point to tell me that she thinks all our experiences at the hospital should be reported and we should make an official complaint. It was nice to know that I wasn't overreacting!

I've had a terrible head cold which has had my blood glucose numbers all over the place and my diabetes educator has increased my insulin accordingly. She felt that even if the high numbers were just due to illness, the demand for insulin on my body was only going to get higher and that I had done well to be on such a low dose for such a long time.

I have a follow up progesterone test on Monday to see what impact dropping my 400mg midday dosage has had - that'll be the next thing to keep me awake at night. Before gearing up for another hospital appointment on Friday!

23 Weeks

Our little mango is the size of a Barbie doll this week according to Ovia. This got me thinking about all of those issues to do with raising girls, gender stereotypes, body image and so on.

More than anything though, this week has seen a huge spike in my anxiety levels. It started with a dream last week that I delivered our girl at 23 weeks, so I guess I have that in the back of my mind. Her movements have also changed this week, which I know is normal at this early stage. She's still kicking just as much, but her quiet times have changed from morning to mid afternoon. I have probably used the doppler more this week than in the last 2 or 3 weeks combined.

I think the main reason though, and this only came out last night while I was talking to hubby about all of this, is that we are so close to the magical 24 week 'viability' goal. I know there is no guarantee after that, but it makes me feel a little better to know that at least they would try to keep her alive. But for these next few days, she's just agonizingly short of that cut off.

I am still not convinced that she's going to be staying with us. It is really hard to plan for a future with her here. I was looking for a photo on my computer the other day when I noticed that none of the videos from our 20 week scan were showing up. Knowing I had deleted them from the USB prior to the last scan, I went into a total meltdown. I was convinced that these few precious videos and photos are the only evidence we will have that our baby girl ever existed and to think that they were gone was too much. Thankfully, it was my fuzzy brain causing the error, not the computer and the files were still there. Still, it shook me how strong those feelings of loss were.

Even as I am in the process of clearing out my office to convert to a nursery, I am still looking at is as decluttering, rather than preparing baby's room. Hubby has convinced me to take the leap and buy a bassinet this week as the one we like is on sale. The only way I am going to manage that is if I buy online, there is no way I can go into a baby store just yet, let alone on my own.

Everything else seems to be going well. My progesterone is still rising, my blood glucose levels are under control and my blood pressure is stable. Here's to making it to 24 weeks!

17 Weeks

Or the size of a playstation controller according to Ovia!

The past week has been a tricky one. My progesterone levels have dropped, a LOT, from 50 to 40. I can't even explain the anxiety this has caused. My specialist says she's not worried yet, and to see what happens this week. Could just be a fluke.

The main thing to worry about here is early labour, so every little twinge or pain is sending me into a panic. I am doing my best to stay calm and our doppler is certainly helping in that regard. Our baby girl's little heart is beating away at a steady 160ish bpm every night when we check before bed.

I had also had a couple of high bgl readings during my first week of testing. I knew that it was due to what I had eaten, really testing myself out to see what I could and couldn't eat (read, too many hot chips, too much rice and pasta!) but I didn't know what the outcome of that would be at my one week check up. Thankfully, they were happy with my reasoning and so I only have to go back in two weeks for a check up with the endocrinologist, rather than an urgent on the day appointment.

So besides waiting for my progesterone test this week, I'm waiting for another test result. One possible cause of the low or dropping progesterone is the MTHFR mutation, which I have never been tested for. Some of the symptoms fit (wheat allergy) but others don't (dairy intolerance). I don't really know what it will mean if the test comes back positive and in this case I have chosen not to google - I'll just wait for the result which can take up to a week.

The main thing scaring me is the progesterone. They've already said the think that is the reason for our previous losses, so the background thoughts of losing our little girl have come right to the front. I've had dreams for the past two nights of waking up bleeding - this usually happens the day before AF arrives so it is genuinely worrying to me to have such dreams now.

This little one is already such a part of us, perhaps even more so than her siblings before her, it is all I can do to keep thoughts of losing her at bay. I just keep reminding myself that she's here now, and doing fine. And at the moment, that's all I can ask for.