In need of a miracle

We're really in need of one of those miracles we hear so much about.

After being on bed rest of the week, and noticing that my spotting had stopped and my symptoms were 'developing' (read every growing boobs, gas production off the charts, etc) we arrived at yesterday's scan with just a little optimism.

We waited an hour before being brought in, not to the scanning room but to the fetal monitoring section. When they asked how far along I was and I replied 8 and a half weeks, the midwife scurried off, only to return and tell me to wait outside again for the specialist.

After another hour (and overhearing a conversation about why I was here and how they were supposed to prepare the room for us - and the midwife in charge having plainly no idea what they were talking about) the specialist whizzed past and told me to come in to the room with him. Unfortunately, there was already someone in the bed. Who he promptly moved out and got ready for my scan.

The abdominal scan wasn't very clear (having been holding for more than 3 hours at this stage!) and so he wanted to do another internal. Then he couldn't find the probe, or the cover, so after yelling at someone and telling us that 'everything has gone to pot' as the two head midwives were away, he just put a rubber glove over the probe and went from there. Then remembered to tell me to go and empty my bladder. It was absolutely surreal and I just felt like it must be a dream. I mean, we knew they were bad, but not this bad, surely?!

Unfortunately things just got worse. He had such a hard time finding baby, and then when he did, he couldn't get a good view. Then he told us that he couldn't find a fetal heartbeat. He asked for my wrist as he was seeing something, but thought it was just my heartbeat. He said the two pulses matched. He then measured and said baby was measuring exactly the same as last week and that the low fluid must have caused too much distress.

We were then told to change and think about our options in the waiting room, surrounded by heavily pregnant women. As soon as we had the chance to speak privately both hubby and I said we were convinced he'd made a mistake. Sure, we're probably in denial, but he's made this mistake before and everything was so rushed and poorly organised it just didn't seem real.

We were taken back in to speak with one of the consulting gynecologists who had been told we wanted a d&c. I told her we said no such thing and that we wanted to wait and see what happened. That I had already carried and lost my other babies and I didn't want this one to be any different. She then had to go and find out what the hospital procedure was for a 'natural' miscarriage!

After yet more waiting, we were told we could come back in a week and they would check on me, make sure I wasn't showing any signs of infection and they'd ask me again if I wanted medical intervention. If in the meantime I started bleeding through more than four pads in an hour, or was in severe pain, I should report to the ED, otherwise, see you next week.

It still seems so unreal. I have an appointment with my GP today and I am asking for another scan, somewhere else, just to confirm. Then we'll see what happens next.

Scans, heartbeats and bed rest

After our weekly scan on Tuesday, I am officially on bed rest. I've been told not to go to work and to spend at least 1.5 hours, 4 times a day in complete rest.

Our appointment this week was booked in correctly, for the first time, and we only waited about 10 minutes for the specialist. He still walked in and asked, 'Where are we up to?' I suppose this is normal, but how hard can it be to check your notes before you see a patient?

He had a little trouble finding baby and I was getting anxious, but then we saw that beautiful little flicker on the screen and I breathed a sigh of relief. He was able to measure the heart rate right away (166bpm) but found it difficult to get a good clear view of baby. Even still, he did a rough measurement (still not convinced of his accuracy) and said baby was measuring well. He didn't give us a number.

I mentioned that I was still spotting every day and he noted that there was a blood clot just below baby. He said this would either reabsorb or continue to bleed out and either was fine. That didn't worry him. What was worrying him was that my amniotic sac seemed to be all baby and all heart and very little fluid. This, he said, was not a good sign and although nothing can really be done at this early stage he ordered bed rest and increased fluid intake. Of course we checked Dr Google when we got home and this seems to be the only treatment for low amniotic fluid this early in pregnancy.

We actually had an ok week last week, but this has thrown everything into chaos again. I am now consumed with what the next scan will show and the helplessness of knowing that there is really very little we can do. The only glimmer of hope I am hanging on to is that his scanning technique is rubbish (as evidenced by our first horror scan), that he just couldn't get a good view of baby and that next week everything will be fine.

Once again, we wait.

Another day on the rollercoaster

Today we had our first scan.

After confirming an intrauterine pregnancy (yay!) and a gestational sac, we were then told that the sac was only measuring 4w3d and that based on my dates (which were never discussed) was probably a missed miscarriage.

Devastated doesn't even begin to cover it. I was told to come back in a week if there had been no bleeding for another scan and to discuss 'options.' I had to practically beg the midwife for an hcg test. At least if the numbers were going down I would know what was coming. She agreed, and we left the hospital fearing that our little one was gone.

In the next few hours, waiting for her to call with the results, I learned some interesting things.

Firstly, the size of the gestational sac is supposed to be based on an average of three measurements from different angles. He only took one. It can also be affected by positioning of the uterus, etc. I know from previous scans that my uterus is tipped backwards. To get correct measurements with a tipped uterus can take some doing. My scan lasted only a matter of one or two minutes, so I can't say how thorough it was.

Secondly, 6.3mm is in the range for 5 weeks, not 4, which is still a little behind where I thought I was but could be attributed to late ovulation and implantation.

I was starting to have a little hope, but knew that it would rest on the hcg levels. My result came back at 3700 and the midwife was really happy. I can't tell you the relief, but also the anger that I felt for putting us through that this morning.

I know we are not out of the woods. My levels are doubling just less than the recommended time (but still going up!) and baby is measuring small... but still there! She has recommended me not to take another hcg test in the meantime as different labs can give different results and she doesn't want me worried for nothing.

So we wait another week on the rollercoaster and maybe next week will bring us more good news. We know that a blighted ovum is still a possibility, but we're choosing to hope that the next scan will show us our growing baby.

Hopes on hold

If you have been following my blog, you will know that last week I got my first BFP. You might have also read that I was concerned about the test lines getting lighter rather than darker and this indicated a possible chemical pregnancy.

Unfortunately our fears have been realised and our hopes for extending our little family are on hold.

I chose not to test on Saturday and just to the best to enjoy a day off with hubby. By then, AF was 3 days late and I started spotting. Only once or twice throughout the day, but enough to convince me that I had lost my little Pea. Sunday morning arrived with no further spotting, so I took the chance and poas again. Complete, total, BFN. I wondered if it could be a faulty test, but the simplest explanation is usually the correct one and that afternoon AF arrived with full force. In fact, I would go so far as to say she arrived with more vengeance than usual.

Hubby took one look at me when he arrived home and just knew. He said all the right things, again, about taking it more seriously, smoking less, taking his vitamins, giving it a real go when the time was right... and as comforting as that was, I have heard it all before. The one thing he did point out is that it proves we can get pregnant, which is a huge positive after 5 months trying. He also said he was a little sad, but he is a very cautious person and hadn't got his hopes too high in the first place.

I thought after a bit of a cry and a good night's sleep I would be good to go, but I was wrong. School started back Monday morning and I thought I would be ok, but the pain and the cramps were unlike anything I have ever had before. I can usually get through AF with nothing more than a heat pack, this time, not even the painkillers were helping. I had been to see my Assistant Principal first thing to tell her what had happened, just to ask to be excused from after school meetings this week. She said she didn't think I should be at school, I thought I would be ok. I had to go back 30 minutes later, just before the bell for the start of school, to tell her that she was right after all. 

I was lucky enough to get an appointment with my GP right away. She was very supportive and wrote me a referral to a gynecologist as soon as she saw our 6 months was up. That's a bit scary in itself. She also talked a bit about what else she thought we could do, but wanted me to come back on Thursday with hubby as planned to talk in more detail. She gave me 3 days off work, but said she would make it the week if I felt by Thursday that I needed it. I'm tempted.

At this stage, AF had been around for 3 days and is as strong as ever. This is unusual for me as I usually only have 1 day of truly heavy flow, with 2 or 3 medium and 1 or 2 days light at the end. The cramping is ridiculous and I'm just generally feeling like I have been hit by a bus. The doctor also mentioned that it would take a while for my hormones to settle down. 

So, we wait another month. And we keep hoping.