Cravings, anxiety, and the seventh week

Cravings:
My appetite is all but gone, in part due to nausea and in part anxiety. I try to make myself eat at least 3 times a day and I have only stopped a meal to be sick once (yay!), but other than that the thought of eating actually make me feel even more sick. I run though the list in my head of what's available and fight the nausea that comes with each suggestion.

I'm finding it pretty hard to eat anything cold, so all my lovely salad veggies are going to waste. Toast is ok, usually just with butter and vegemite, but is a once a day thing for me. I could eat chicken nuggets all day, that is the closest thing I have to an actual food craving, so I just make sure not to buy them.

Other than that, I'm craving ice.I have read that this is considered a form of pica but I'm choosing not to think of it that way! I have always liked crunching on the occasional glass of ice, now I just do it more often. It's also said to point to iron deficiency, which is possible, but my last results were fine and the prenatal vitamin I have been taking for the last 2 years has the full daily dose.

If chicken nuggets and ice are as far as these cravings go, I'll be happy!

Anxiety:
I know this wont go away any time soon, and I am trying to find ways to deal with it. It probably doesn't help that I am off work this week with a bad pain in my upper back, meaning I have a bit of extra time on my hands!

Following our scan earlier this week I am finding it a little harder to keep at bay. I know that if things are not progressing as normal, blighted ovum is the most likely explanation. That's really difficult. How do I bond with a baby that might not be there? Especially when trying to bond with a baby I might lose is already hard enough?

I also had a little spotting following the internal ultrasound, which is normal, but still had me waiting for it to stop. I'm still running to the toilet to check for spotting or bleeding, but I am getting better at stretching out the times in between.

I still find it incredibly hard to even think about telling people I am pregnant. On the one hand, I don't want to be congratulated on a pregnancy that might not last. On the other, I want this baby to be acknowledged. We have only told immediate family, one very special friend, and (unfortunately) our bosses. I keep thinking to the next milestone, e.g. if I make it to the next scan then I might tell... Afterall, there are people who will need to know if something goes wrong, and I hate having to tell people that I have miscarried before they even know I am pregnant.

In the meantime, I have 4 days to wait until our next scan. I am filled with so much dread at the thought, not only of seeing that baby hasn't grown, but at having to deal with that doctor again. I rang the hospital to ask if I could be seen by another doctor, apparently he's the only specialist there in this area. The clinic manager did say that she wants me to stop in after our appointment and if I am still not happy she is going to refer me to the Royal Women's, so that's something to think about.

Now, to distract myself on instagram for a while...

Hopes on hold

If you have been following my blog, you will know that last week I got my first BFP. You might have also read that I was concerned about the test lines getting lighter rather than darker and this indicated a possible chemical pregnancy.

Unfortunately our fears have been realised and our hopes for extending our little family are on hold.

I chose not to test on Saturday and just to the best to enjoy a day off with hubby. By then, AF was 3 days late and I started spotting. Only once or twice throughout the day, but enough to convince me that I had lost my little Pea. Sunday morning arrived with no further spotting, so I took the chance and poas again. Complete, total, BFN. I wondered if it could be a faulty test, but the simplest explanation is usually the correct one and that afternoon AF arrived with full force. In fact, I would go so far as to say she arrived with more vengeance than usual.

Hubby took one look at me when he arrived home and just knew. He said all the right things, again, about taking it more seriously, smoking less, taking his vitamins, giving it a real go when the time was right... and as comforting as that was, I have heard it all before. The one thing he did point out is that it proves we can get pregnant, which is a huge positive after 5 months trying. He also said he was a little sad, but he is a very cautious person and hadn't got his hopes too high in the first place.

I thought after a bit of a cry and a good night's sleep I would be good to go, but I was wrong. School started back Monday morning and I thought I would be ok, but the pain and the cramps were unlike anything I have ever had before. I can usually get through AF with nothing more than a heat pack, this time, not even the painkillers were helping. I had been to see my Assistant Principal first thing to tell her what had happened, just to ask to be excused from after school meetings this week. She said she didn't think I should be at school, I thought I would be ok. I had to go back 30 minutes later, just before the bell for the start of school, to tell her that she was right after all. 

I was lucky enough to get an appointment with my GP right away. She was very supportive and wrote me a referral to a gynecologist as soon as she saw our 6 months was up. That's a bit scary in itself. She also talked a bit about what else she thought we could do, but wanted me to come back on Thursday with hubby as planned to talk in more detail. She gave me 3 days off work, but said she would make it the week if I felt by Thursday that I needed it. I'm tempted.

At this stage, AF had been around for 3 days and is as strong as ever. This is unusual for me as I usually only have 1 day of truly heavy flow, with 2 or 3 medium and 1 or 2 days light at the end. The cramping is ridiculous and I'm just generally feeling like I have been hit by a bus. The doctor also mentioned that it would take a while for my hormones to settle down. 

So, we wait another month. And we keep hoping.

Symptom Spotting... again!

I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant. I have spent the last few days explaining away all of my symptoms, but here they are:

*Breathlessness - all the time, but I have asthma and it's cold outside
*Peeing a LOT - but I'm on holiday and don't have to hold it in for hours like I do at school
*Headache - there's a lot of stress in the family right now and I have had a headache for about a week (it actually hurts to touch my right eyebrow..)
*Gassy - mostly burping, but then I have been drinking a lot of sparkling water (may also contribute to the peeing!)
*Nausea - this could be from the worry about what's happening to my body, along with the family stress
*Tender breasts - normal symptom of PMS, too.
*Fatigue - SO tired, but I'm on holidays, I think I'm just being lazy. Having said that, have been asleep on the couch by 5 every night, and struggling to stay awake by about 9 - we usually sleep just after midnight

If a line on a hpt, no matter how light, means pregnant, then these symptoms aren't just my imagination. My only worry is that the lighter test results might indicate a chemical pregnancy. If so, these could be just the symptoms of the impending arrival of AF.

I guess only time (and lots more poas!) will tell =]

When is a negative not a negative?

Theoretically, my TWW has ended. In reality, I'm still waiting for either a positive test, or for my period to arrive. At this point, I'll take either!

I have also changed my view on home testing. I started testing on Wednesday, thinking that I would like to know early and got a negative. Didn't worry me too much at the time as I thought it would be too early anyway. Tested again on Friday, 12DPO, negative. That put me into a bit of a funk. I spent most of the day at work googling how HPTs work and what is considered 'normal' for HcG levels in early pregnancy. I also ate a ridiculous number of carbs, not only as comfort food, but to help with nausea. Saturday I spent trying not to think about testing the following day, or the impending arrival of AF. This morning I tested again, another negative. I have one test left that I will probably use, next Friday, but after that, I'm done.

There is something to be said for waiting to find out. Ignorance is bliss? I don't know what it is, but I really could have done without the stress of the last couple of days. For me, it seems that just waiting to find out if/when AF arrives is going to be the best way to cope. I have resolved not to buy another HPT until I have missed my period. Hopefully I can stick to it!

So, what do I know? I know that my tests are negative, and that AF is not on the scene. I also know from my research that HPTs rely on average levels HcG of about 25 to give a positive result (with some variation) and that this is the 'average' level about 2 days before your period is due, if you are pregnant. Further reading has shown me that a level of 18 is within the 'normal' range up to the fifth week of pregnancy. Very low, the high end of the fifth week range is in the thousands, but still, it's there.

So what does that mean for me? I guess it means that it's still possible that I am pregnant, and then all my crazy symptoms of the last two weeks will make sense. It could also mean that I am not, and AF is due any day. It could also mean that my body is still adjusting to coming off BC and that is what is causing the symptoms. Right now, it also means that my wait continues...

Early Pregnancy Symptoms before Implantation

I have been doing a lot of reading this weekend. I had thought, on my limited medical knowledge, that there would be no way for a woman to feel any pregnancy symptoms before implantation. I thought that this was when the baby and mother started interacting, and therefore the first time for hormones to have any impact on the mother.

Then I spent the last week feeling awful.

I have had bloating, cramps and nausea every day for the last week. I have been extremely tired, to the point where I have been in bed very early the last 3 nights and actually slept for 16 hours yesterday. I have been short of breath and using my asthma puffer regularly during the day, not something I normally have to do. I developed an allergic reaction to my wedding ring and I totally lost interest in sex. The last 3 days I have had terrible headaches and an awful taste in my mouth. So I took a HPT, thinking that surely if I was feeling all this I must be pregnant.

BFN.

So I started researching. I looked for the type of EPS that women reported at 3 and 4 weeks. I looked up if it is even possible to have symptoms before implantation and although the replies from some forum members seem to be a loud "NO!" the research I saw said that maybe it isn't so crazy.

HCG, the hormone associated with the symptoms of pregnancy, isn't the only hormone that can cause these symptoms. The other culprit is progesterone. This starts to build from the moment of ovulation and some of the articles I ready suggested that this hormone increases once conception or fertilisation occurs. I also read that there are some women who are more susceptible to these types of changes in their hormone levels.

Theoretically, it is possible that I am pregnant and that would explain the terrible way I have been feeling. But because this is our first try, because I have been on BC for a few years and not ovulating, there is another theory I am starting to think is more likely.

If progesterone is only released after ovulation, and I haven't been ovulating while on BC, then it could just be that my body is not used to having this hormone in my system and I am reacting to it. The other problem is that although I am off BC I don't know when or even if I am ovulating. I think I know, based on pains and twinges I felt just over a week ago, but I don't know for sure.

So I don't really know what that BFN means. Am I pregnant but it is too early to test? Or is it a genuine BFN and I should expect a visit from dear old AF any day now?

I suppose only time will tell. The TWW continues!

Symptom Spotting

This TWW business is crazy!  I'm so overly aware of every niggle and twinge, wondering if it could mean that there's a baby on the way.  Here's my list so far, almost half way (I think) in to my TWW:

*Nausea, every day since Sunday. This is what first got me thinking but I feel like that's way too early
*Bloating
*Cramps, nothing bad, just dull and constant
*Fatigue
*Headaches
*Allergic reaction to my wedding ring, my mum used to say this happened to her while pregnant.

I think that's it! So many of these can be explained away, especially the tiredness and headache, it's coming up to the end of term after all.

AF  is due end of next week, here's hoping she stays away!