S.M.E.P. - Take one! Action!

After everything that has happened the last 12 months, I decided that something had to change. When I looked back over my apps, it was clear that there had only been 4 months in that time that we technically tried at the right time. The first few months were hit and miss while I came came off Implanon and wondered what my cycle would do. The next saw the pressure starting to build for hubby and just not being able to dtd at the right time. Then the first early loss (I'm trying to avoid using the term Chemical Pregnancy ever again) then a missed chance, then the miscarriage, then not trying... A woman on one of the forums wrote that her husband tried to console her by saying that they hadn't really been trying, that's how I feel. All this time has passed, but we've never got it right.

After reading and hearing all about the SMEP I decided to look into it. I've pretty much worked out that I usually get a positive opk on cd16, so the plan was to dtd on cd10, cd12, cd14, cd16/17 and then cd19. That's heaps for us. In fact, if we stuck to that it would be more in 9 days than in the whole time since the miscarriage. I was sceptical, so I asked hubby what he thought. He assured me that it had reached the point where he would do whatever it takes, although he did also admit some worry that we could 'do all that' and it still wouldn't work, so what was the point? I was still sceptical.

We managed cd10, 12 and 14. CD16 I was refused in favour of late night football, with assurances of a 'double shot' on cd17 (yeah, right!), and cd17 saw us make a start, but not finish in the end. Only the second time that has happened. I tried to play it off, but hubby is feeling so guilty about it. So much so that the back up day on cd19 was totally out of the question.

The other part of this plan is the Robitussin. I did a lot of reading about this before starting as I am really trying to limit the number of drugs in my system after being on heavy duty pain killers for 18 months prior to TTC. The active ingredient works on all mucus membranes in the body, therefore "loosening" CM as well. This can only be a good thing, right?! Unfortunately, it doesn't actually help you create more CM, that comes down entirely to how well hydrated you are and the effects of any other drugs in your system, such as Clomid. So here's the thing. To take OPKs, especially twice a day as recommended. you have to limit your intake of liquid. But to have great CM, you need to maintain/increase your intake. I am sure people can not drink much for 8 hours a day (assuming a four hour hold each test) and still get in their 2litres, but it makes more sense to me to stay hydrated throughout the day to keep the process running! Also, a couple of 35 degree plus days meant that there was no way I was not drinking anything for that long!

So, I took the Robitussin and I drank lots and I noticed a big difference in the amount of CM. So that's one positive.

I really feel our timing was all wrong again but am holding on to a sliver of hope because our cd14 effort was very late at night, technically almost cd15. There's a chance some of those little swimmers hung around long enough for one of them to meet that egg. But I am not testing. Hubby has the day off the day after AF is due, so if she's a no show then we might go out and buy a test. For now I am 3dpo and we just wait. Again.

The Pressure of TTC

It's been a while since my last post. We had the visit from AF, then it was school holidays, and time just flies by!

Right at the moment we are in the middle of our fertile window for this cycle and it seems hubby is not really interested. Overall, we have been intimate a lot more regularly than we have previously. Whereas before TTC we averaged about once a week, we are now sticking to every 2-3 days pretty well. One problem has been that hubby is missing all the other intimate activities we usually get up to, even though I have promised him that between AF and ovulation we can do whatever he likes! He also turned me down twice yesterday, which is another story for another day, but needless to say the hurt is lingering today.

I have also been reading a bit about reactions to pregnancy news from those who are themselves TTC. I know that I am putting myself under pressure to be the first on my mum's side of the family to have a baby, and there have been a whole lot of weddings at work lately and I'm hoping to beat all the new brides to it! I know it sounds silly, but this is the pressure that I am putting on myself.

I've read about people being angry, jealous or upset that others have a relatively easy TTC journey, a couple of months or so, while they have been struggling for years. One comment I even read what directed at someone who had "finally" conceived after two months. While the commenter expressed congratulations, she also felt that the poster didn't really understand what disappointment felt like. It got me thinking.

Hubby and I have only been 'officially' TTC for two months. I have been on BC the whole time we have been married, BUT... I have been waiting since our wedding for this time to come. So while we have only really been trying for a little while, I feel like I have been waiting for 5 years already! The thought of waiting another 12 months makes me feel physically ill.

How long did you try before TTC your first? How did it make you feel to hear others announce their pregnancy while you were still trying? Any advice to share on how to cope?

When is a negative not a negative?

Theoretically, my TWW has ended. In reality, I'm still waiting for either a positive test, or for my period to arrive. At this point, I'll take either!

I have also changed my view on home testing. I started testing on Wednesday, thinking that I would like to know early and got a negative. Didn't worry me too much at the time as I thought it would be too early anyway. Tested again on Friday, 12DPO, negative. That put me into a bit of a funk. I spent most of the day at work googling how HPTs work and what is considered 'normal' for HcG levels in early pregnancy. I also ate a ridiculous number of carbs, not only as comfort food, but to help with nausea. Saturday I spent trying not to think about testing the following day, or the impending arrival of AF. This morning I tested again, another negative. I have one test left that I will probably use, next Friday, but after that, I'm done.

There is something to be said for waiting to find out. Ignorance is bliss? I don't know what it is, but I really could have done without the stress of the last couple of days. For me, it seems that just waiting to find out if/when AF arrives is going to be the best way to cope. I have resolved not to buy another HPT until I have missed my period. Hopefully I can stick to it!

So, what do I know? I know that my tests are negative, and that AF is not on the scene. I also know from my research that HPTs rely on average levels HcG of about 25 to give a positive result (with some variation) and that this is the 'average' level about 2 days before your period is due, if you are pregnant. Further reading has shown me that a level of 18 is within the 'normal' range up to the fifth week of pregnancy. Very low, the high end of the fifth week range is in the thousands, but still, it's there.

So what does that mean for me? I guess it means that it's still possible that I am pregnant, and then all my crazy symptoms of the last two weeks will make sense. It could also mean that I am not, and AF is due any day. It could also mean that my body is still adjusting to coming off BC and that is what is causing the symptoms. Right now, it also means that my wait continues...

Early Pregnancy Symptoms before Implantation

I have been doing a lot of reading this weekend. I had thought, on my limited medical knowledge, that there would be no way for a woman to feel any pregnancy symptoms before implantation. I thought that this was when the baby and mother started interacting, and therefore the first time for hormones to have any impact on the mother.

Then I spent the last week feeling awful.

I have had bloating, cramps and nausea every day for the last week. I have been extremely tired, to the point where I have been in bed very early the last 3 nights and actually slept for 16 hours yesterday. I have been short of breath and using my asthma puffer regularly during the day, not something I normally have to do. I developed an allergic reaction to my wedding ring and I totally lost interest in sex. The last 3 days I have had terrible headaches and an awful taste in my mouth. So I took a HPT, thinking that surely if I was feeling all this I must be pregnant.

BFN.

So I started researching. I looked for the type of EPS that women reported at 3 and 4 weeks. I looked up if it is even possible to have symptoms before implantation and although the replies from some forum members seem to be a loud "NO!" the research I saw said that maybe it isn't so crazy.

HCG, the hormone associated with the symptoms of pregnancy, isn't the only hormone that can cause these symptoms. The other culprit is progesterone. This starts to build from the moment of ovulation and some of the articles I ready suggested that this hormone increases once conception or fertilisation occurs. I also read that there are some women who are more susceptible to these types of changes in their hormone levels.

Theoretically, it is possible that I am pregnant and that would explain the terrible way I have been feeling. But because this is our first try, because I have been on BC for a few years and not ovulating, there is another theory I am starting to think is more likely.

If progesterone is only released after ovulation, and I haven't been ovulating while on BC, then it could just be that my body is not used to having this hormone in my system and I am reacting to it. The other problem is that although I am off BC I don't know when or even if I am ovulating. I think I know, based on pains and twinges I felt just over a week ago, but I don't know for sure.

So I don't really know what that BFN means. Am I pregnant but it is too early to test? Or is it a genuine BFN and I should expect a visit from dear old AF any day now?

I suppose only time will tell. The TWW continues!

Another Witty Title

What a day! What a week!

I have really been out of sorts since having the Implanon removed - apart from my arm hurting and stitches pulling I've just felt really lethargic. Likely not related as there is a bug going around school, just poor timing! Here's the progression of the 'wound' so far, only a few more days till the stitches come out.

I was really anxious about how hubby was going to react to having to 'do the deed' more regularly - we call it 'baby making' to distinguish from the other kinds of 'adult' activities we get up to! The day my Implanon came out he was so worried about hurting me that I practically had to talk him into it - not too much of a problem once he saw I was serious about it!  We are working on the every two to three days theory, as recommended by the doc, and so Sunday night, when it was obvious he wasn't up for it, I reminded him that Monday would be the third day so to be sure to be ready!

Monday night, I could see he was doing everything he could to stay away from the bedroom! Just one more level, just the end of this show, just a bit more browsing... I was getting angrier and angrier, not helping the situation of course. When he finally did come to bed I told him that this couldn't happen again. Not missing the night, of course there would be days that neither of us are up to it, but avoiding the situation. We talked about how this could potentially take a while and that we needed to be totally open and honest with each other if it was getting to be too much. We talked about how babies are made (yes, there are things that grown men don't always know/understand) and all the things the doctor had told us. We talked about work and stress and how it affects us both. We talked about how we both need to be involved as this isn't something I can do by myself! I told him that, more than anything, I need him to tell me as soon as he knows he is out and come to me with an alternative, "Tonight's no good, how about tomorrow morning?" He agreed and we made a date for Tuesday night.

Tuesday, my period arrived. Or, 'Arsenal was playing at home' as we say thanks to the TV show QI. But, because this is all so new, and because his 'boys' needed a clean out, and because there is more to our sexual relationship than just baby making, we went ahead and had ourselves some fun.

Hubby was so cute, and I think a little disappointed, when I told him I had my period. "What does that mean?" he asked. "Does that mean that everything we have done so far is wasted?" I had to laugh to myself, "Everything we have done" consisted of one single baby making session! But told him that yes, unfortunately that means I'm not pregnant. "So, how long do we have to wait to try again?" Adorable.

This also meant, entirely due to hubby raising the conversation, that we spent a good hour or so talking about baby names. This was the first time he had mentioned anything about it, other than to say it wasn't worth talking about. But he was full of ideas and there were a few favourite names that we shared. Unfortunately, as before, it seems that if we are to have a girl she probably wont have a name!

As for me, I'm still enjoying the fact that anything is possible now, that we may actually become parents someday, and that hubby seems to be enjoying the ride with me =]

The trouble with Implanon...

The trouble seems to be the lack of consistent information!

I have been using Implanon for 5 years, this is my second implant and it's about to come out! Yay!

Ease of use was the real reason I chose it, I'm terrible at remembering to take medication of any kind and the set-and-forget option seemed like the best thing.  The side effects were outlined to me, but I didn't think much of them. I really wish now that side effects were explained with percentages, as some are much more common than others.

I have had the weight gain, the back pain, the painful periods and, most fun of all, the irregular periods or irregular length. I have had no period for 6-7 weeks and then two within two weeks. I have had 3 day periods and 8 day periods. Before using Implanon my cycle was pretty well set at 28 days, so I am wondering what it's going to be like when this thing comes out.

I have also been reading conflicting information about the lasting effects if Implanon on fertility, this was not mentioned to me AT ALL when I first started. The medical consensus seems to be that you can fall pregnant the day you have the implant removed, but that doesn't seem to be the experience of many of the women I have seen on various forums. Of course, those with troubles are most likely to be posting in the first place, so I don't think it's a truly representative sample, still their experiences are obviously valid.

I thought I had enough to worry about being a woman of 'advanced maternal age' never mind worrying that my birth control choices may have negatively impacted my fertility, I guess we shall find out soon enough.