Nothing but waiting...

AF took 7 days longer than normal to arrive. A 38 day cycle and I tested almost every day. By the time I was 4 days late and still getting those BFNs I pretty much gave up hope of actually being pregnant and just waited for AF to arrive. It HAS to be the metformin, there's no other explanation. I started spotting at cd36, then nothing cd37... even today when I say AF is here, it's still so light. Maybe I have just forgotten what a normal period feels like, as I have no cramping or anything.

I'm just so upset that I didn't see this coming. I haven't used OPKs for months as my cycle has been so regular, and now I feel like I am starting all over again. The only possible plus to this is that hubby is due to start two weeks leave shortly and, if my cycle returns to normal, that'll be right during the fertile window. He's already indicated that he's hoping to 'get in a few extra tries' so we'll see what happens.

There are so many more things I want to write but I am becoming so conscious of being a grump about all of this. I know that I have changed as a person as a result of our losses, and some of those changes are good. I also know that there are some I have yet to come to terms with, including the friends and family that haven't been supportive of us and I am really struggling to reconcile with what that means for us and our relationships with these people going forward. So many issues to sort through. Looks like we have plenty more time!

S.M.E.P. - Take one! Action!

After everything that has happened the last 12 months, I decided that something had to change. When I looked back over my apps, it was clear that there had only been 4 months in that time that we technically tried at the right time. The first few months were hit and miss while I came came off Implanon and wondered what my cycle would do. The next saw the pressure starting to build for hubby and just not being able to dtd at the right time. Then the first early loss (I'm trying to avoid using the term Chemical Pregnancy ever again) then a missed chance, then the miscarriage, then not trying... A woman on one of the forums wrote that her husband tried to console her by saying that they hadn't really been trying, that's how I feel. All this time has passed, but we've never got it right.

After reading and hearing all about the SMEP I decided to look into it. I've pretty much worked out that I usually get a positive opk on cd16, so the plan was to dtd on cd10, cd12, cd14, cd16/17 and then cd19. That's heaps for us. In fact, if we stuck to that it would be more in 9 days than in the whole time since the miscarriage. I was sceptical, so I asked hubby what he thought. He assured me that it had reached the point where he would do whatever it takes, although he did also admit some worry that we could 'do all that' and it still wouldn't work, so what was the point? I was still sceptical.

We managed cd10, 12 and 14. CD16 I was refused in favour of late night football, with assurances of a 'double shot' on cd17 (yeah, right!), and cd17 saw us make a start, but not finish in the end. Only the second time that has happened. I tried to play it off, but hubby is feeling so guilty about it. So much so that the back up day on cd19 was totally out of the question.

The other part of this plan is the Robitussin. I did a lot of reading about this before starting as I am really trying to limit the number of drugs in my system after being on heavy duty pain killers for 18 months prior to TTC. The active ingredient works on all mucus membranes in the body, therefore "loosening" CM as well. This can only be a good thing, right?! Unfortunately, it doesn't actually help you create more CM, that comes down entirely to how well hydrated you are and the effects of any other drugs in your system, such as Clomid. So here's the thing. To take OPKs, especially twice a day as recommended. you have to limit your intake of liquid. But to have great CM, you need to maintain/increase your intake. I am sure people can not drink much for 8 hours a day (assuming a four hour hold each test) and still get in their 2litres, but it makes more sense to me to stay hydrated throughout the day to keep the process running! Also, a couple of 35 degree plus days meant that there was no way I was not drinking anything for that long!

So, I took the Robitussin and I drank lots and I noticed a big difference in the amount of CM. So that's one positive.

I really feel our timing was all wrong again but am holding on to a sliver of hope because our cd14 effort was very late at night, technically almost cd15. There's a chance some of those little swimmers hung around long enough for one of them to meet that egg. But I am not testing. Hubby has the day off the day after AF is due, so if she's a no show then we might go out and buy a test. For now I am 3dpo and we just wait. Again.

OPKs

This is my second cycle using OPKs. The girls on the EB TTC#1 forum were super helpful with all my questions last time. I was wondering about how long I should be 'holding it in' the other day, as my bladder was screaming for release so decided to test my Dr Google theory. it wasn't good. The results ranged from 4 hours to 2 hours to don't hold it and just test whenever you need to pee. So I decided to investigate a little further - when was the best time to test?
 - My Dr says use FMU because hormones are most concentrated
 - My Dr says never use FMU because LH (the hormone measured by OPKs) is only synthesised in the day
 - Before 12 pm
 - Before 4 pm
 - Between 8 and 10pm
By far the best answer was, test when the instructions on the pack tell you to. Only problem is with buying all these cheapies off the internet, they don't always come with instructions.

I also found out thanks to the EB girls that it is possible to miss the LH surge and therefore never get a true positive. Last month I got a pretty clear positive result on CD 16, this time, not so much. For interests sake, here are my OPKs from this cycle.

From this it's clear that I never got a true positive. It's also clear that this photo is of old tests and that you're not supposed to count the results after 10 minutes. However, I would assume that CD17 shows the strongest result, very closely followed by CD18. I'm happy, for my own purposes, to count CD17 as my positive. I haven't had any tests yet to confirm that I actually ovulate and I am not prepared to start testing more than once a day as I have seen recommended by some.

With this in mind, I tried a different tack with hubby this cycle. I didn't tell him a thing. I was counting on my positive being CD16 as I think is usual for me, and we dtd on CD13 and CD16. When I saw my OPKs, I mentioned to hubby that I wasn't going to tell him anything more than to make a choice - we dtd either Saturday, Sunday or Monday, which I knew would be CD17-19. I wasn't going to say anything else, I wasn't going to pressure him. I'd already asked him to be more proactive in the whole dtd business, baby making aside.

So it got to last night and nothing. I was super calm, I had expected this. I just asked to remind him of two things, he said he'd make more of an effort, and he'd promised one of those three days. To which he said, "Tomorrow then." I said yes, for sure (I'm not passing up an opportunity!) but reminded him that I had told him those days for a reason. He told me that he didn't think it made a difference and that there was always a chance no matter what the timing! We then had to have a quick refresher on the whole Great Sperm Race and what happens to the egg after ovulation.

I'm pretty sure that tonight will be a no-go anyway, and either way I think its too late to catch the egg this cycle. But looking back I think that we got a couple in on time, so maybe some of those little buggers have worked their magic. I guess only time will tell.