In need of a miracle

We're really in need of one of those miracles we hear so much about.

After being on bed rest of the week, and noticing that my spotting had stopped and my symptoms were 'developing' (read every growing boobs, gas production off the charts, etc) we arrived at yesterday's scan with just a little optimism.

We waited an hour before being brought in, not to the scanning room but to the fetal monitoring section. When they asked how far along I was and I replied 8 and a half weeks, the midwife scurried off, only to return and tell me to wait outside again for the specialist.

After another hour (and overhearing a conversation about why I was here and how they were supposed to prepare the room for us - and the midwife in charge having plainly no idea what they were talking about) the specialist whizzed past and told me to come in to the room with him. Unfortunately, there was already someone in the bed. Who he promptly moved out and got ready for my scan.

The abdominal scan wasn't very clear (having been holding for more than 3 hours at this stage!) and so he wanted to do another internal. Then he couldn't find the probe, or the cover, so after yelling at someone and telling us that 'everything has gone to pot' as the two head midwives were away, he just put a rubber glove over the probe and went from there. Then remembered to tell me to go and empty my bladder. It was absolutely surreal and I just felt like it must be a dream. I mean, we knew they were bad, but not this bad, surely?!

Unfortunately things just got worse. He had such a hard time finding baby, and then when he did, he couldn't get a good view. Then he told us that he couldn't find a fetal heartbeat. He asked for my wrist as he was seeing something, but thought it was just my heartbeat. He said the two pulses matched. He then measured and said baby was measuring exactly the same as last week and that the low fluid must have caused too much distress.

We were then told to change and think about our options in the waiting room, surrounded by heavily pregnant women. As soon as we had the chance to speak privately both hubby and I said we were convinced he'd made a mistake. Sure, we're probably in denial, but he's made this mistake before and everything was so rushed and poorly organised it just didn't seem real.

We were taken back in to speak with one of the consulting gynecologists who had been told we wanted a d&c. I told her we said no such thing and that we wanted to wait and see what happened. That I had already carried and lost my other babies and I didn't want this one to be any different. She then had to go and find out what the hospital procedure was for a 'natural' miscarriage!

After yet more waiting, we were told we could come back in a week and they would check on me, make sure I wasn't showing any signs of infection and they'd ask me again if I wanted medical intervention. If in the meantime I started bleeding through more than four pads in an hour, or was in severe pain, I should report to the ED, otherwise, see you next week.

It still seems so unreal. I have an appointment with my GP today and I am asking for another scan, somewhere else, just to confirm. Then we'll see what happens next.