Why don't you say what you really mean?

This isn't going to be one of those happy, uplifting or inspirational posts you read about those who have suffered miscarriage. It's about the judgmental, heartbreaking and guilt laden conversations that surround this subject.

I've been told not to take the careless things that people say when I tell them about our miscarriages to heart. After all, I have been told, they're just trying to make the best of an awkward situation, no one really knows what to say. Basically, I have been told more than once, I shouldn't make them feel bad, because at least they are trying.

How about you just think before you speak?

People who suffer miscarriage need love and support, not meaningless platitudes meant to make you feel better because you have to break the awkwardness by saying SOMETHING or in the worst case, saying nothing. After living this awful reality for the past 12 months, here's some things I would like to never hear again.

At least you get to keep trying!

There is nothing fun, romantic or even remotely sexy about having intercourse precisely timed to coincide with fertile windows and ovulation predictor kits. And when you have been trying for months, if not years, on end, it can be hard to remember that there are reasons for sex besides conception. Sure we make a little whoopie outside that ever looming fertile window, but there is no escaping the fact that when the time comes around you really do know that you are 'trying' and it's nothing to look forward to. After all, all that 'trying' has currently only led to failure or to heart ache.

At least you (can) have more kids

There is no way any child we may be blessed enough to welcome in to this world will ever be a replacement for those we have lost. For those who suffer miscarriage and have older living children, it's equally wrong to tell them that they should be satisfied with their living children, “At least you have the older one.”

They're in a better place now

You can't tell me that there is a better place for a child to be than in their mother and father's loving arms. Which leads me to my next point...

Everything happens for a reason/is part of God's plan

You might truly believe this. The person you are saying it to might even believe it. But right at this point, at this time, this is not helpful or healing. It's the equivalent of saying that God wants them to suffer. After all, they are suffering incredible heartache and you are telling them it's God's plan

God never gives us more than we can bear

So the pay off to being a relatively independent, strong willed woman is that I have to suffer miscarriages because I can bear the pain and heart ache? Or are you saying something worse, that I couldn't handle being a mother so God has put a stop to it?

Maybe God is trying to teach you something

I've heard this a lot. Maybe God is trying to teach me patience. Maybe God is trying to teach me resilience. Maybe God is trying to teach me a whole myriad of things. Even if this is true, how does telling me this help? Does it make our loss less painful? Does it bring our baby back?

There must have been something wrong with the baby

Logically, we know this is true. We even heard it from the doctors. We know (now) the statistics about miscarriage. But this doesn't help. Once you find out that you are pregnant, your whole world changes. You begin to imagine a life full of possibilities for this child and what this will mean for you and your family. I have though about holding my babies in my arms for so long, don't make me think of them in pain or suffering. Please.

At least it was early

In a place where a woman has the right to an abortion until 24 weeks gestation, there are many people who think that a pregnancy lost in the first trimester 'isn't really a baby' or that there is no way anyone could have formed an attachment to an unborn child. Wrong on both counts.

You wouldn't have even known you were pregnant years ago

I probably would have, you know. Just because, as you put it, tests these days are so sensitive, doesn't mean that I wouldn't have noticed my usual 31 clockwork cycle was out by a few weeks. Doesn't mean that I wouldn't have noticed any of the other physical symptoms that go along with early pregnancy. What are you really trying to say, that even if I was pregnant, it would be better if I hadn't known about it?

It's not your fault

Again, I know this is true, but that still doesn't change the feelings of guilt or failure that I might feel knowing that my body couldn't do the thing that so many women seem to be able to manage without trying. By telling me not to feel guilty, that it isn't my fault, you shut down the conversation and take away my chance to talk about these feelings.

Lots of people have miscarriages

Yeah they do. Lots of people lose their parents and their children to, but I have yet to hear anyone tell a grieving relative at the graveside that a lot of people die. So why try to minimise or explain away the loss of an unborn child?

The risk goes up as you get older

Thanks for that. I didn't know. I mean, in all the 18 months of trying to start a family, all the medical tests, not one doctor had ever mentioned that age was a factor. So thank you for adding yet another layer to the guilt that I feel.

You just have to relax/don't stress

Sure. I'll just flip that “Stress Switch”to the off position, shall I? I do as much as I can to make sure we have a happy, healthy and relatively stress free home life, but if you are telling me that stress is causing my miscarriages, or is the reason it's taking longer to conceive between each one, then thank you for that extra layer of guilt you have just added.

You'll have kids one day

You mean I will have kids here with me on earth. After all, I have children, my angle babies. But you're talking about 'take home babies'. Maybe. You don't know that. I don't know that. In fact, after multiple miscarriages, the odds are quickly going down. Add to that my increasing age and even daring to hope to have a precious child in my arms seems too optimistic.

It'll be your turn next

I have heard this. And in that time, five others close to me have fallen pregnant. You have no way of knowing who will be 'next' and that kind of false optimism, wishful thinking, doesn't change the fact that it should have been my turn now.

You could always adopt

Why didn't you adopt? Because you want to create new life with your partner? Because you want to experience pregnancy for yourself? Why should I be denied that experience? Yes, the consequences are tough, but there is a reward at the end that we are not willing to give up on yet. The road to adoption isn't so easy either.

You can have mine!

Right up there with hearing people complain about how terrible their children or their spouses are. You are so blessed. Sure, people should be allowed to vent, but just think before you open your mouth. This is right up there with telling me that at least I am an Aunty, or that I can babysit their kid any time. As if that is ever going to be a substitute for the children we have lost.

Make the most of it, sleep in, go out, etc

You can reel off a list longer than your arm of all the things that are so great about being child-free, but the fact is, I am 37. We have been married for 6 years. We have done all these things, and intend to keep doing them in the meantime, but would you seriously trade in your own child for a few hours sleep? Why should we have to settle for dinner in a fancy restaurant rather than dinner in a home filled with the noise, laughter and love of a growing family?

How are you feeling?

This question, and it's horrible twin, “Are you feeling better yet?” are asked a multitude of times, and some people are able to accept my honest answer. At the same time, it does get tiresome to be constantly telling people that you're having a rough day, that you haven’t got dressed today or out of bed, and to know that they are thinking how much time has passed and that you really should snap out of it. And in a way, it feels like betrayal, to say I feel ok feels like saying I am ok with the fact that my babies have died. And I'm really not.

Don't think that talking to someone about their miscarriages is going to upset them. Sure, they might get upset, but they think about their babies all the time, whether you talk about them or not. Only two people have ever asked me if we gave our babies names. Did I cry? Yes. Did it lead to a wonderful conversation about choosing names? Sure did. And if you don't know what to say, and you have to fill that silence so that YOU feel better, try this...

"I can't even imagine how hard this must be. I am here if you ever need to talk. "