This is me, one year ago today. Lying in a hospital bed, waiting for the scan that would tell me we had lost our baby.
This is the lost that hit us hardest, maybe due in part to the fact that we were in a hospital, rather than the safety and quietness of our own home. A hospital makes it real, clinical, official. There's no escape.
One year ago today was the first time, and the last time, anyone other than me called my husband 'dad' and that still breaks me.
Even in the midst of all that pain, I thought, it'll be ok, by this time next year I'll have a baby, or at least be pregnant again. That hasn't happened. And now, I can't even imagine that by this time next year anything will have changed for us expect maybe we will have had a few more tests or be following a different fertility plan.
In the meantime, I am spending today putting everything I can into the business that our little one inspired. Making new items for little ones who arrive safely in their parents' arms brings some kind of peace. And today, that is enough.
This breaks my heart...I resonate so much with the internal dialogue you had with yourself about hopeful pregnancies in the future...I remember after our first loss going through the following months desperately holding onto the hope that I'd at least be pregnant again before my due date. In some ways that's true, because I did fall pregnant twice more, but none stayed long. Knowing that the cycle I started this week is the cycle I became pregnant with my first is overwhelming. Some days I wonder how long this will go on, what all will we have to do...but its really a 'one day at a time' thing...and it's one of the hardest. Praying for you and your journey and plan on keeping up with you through your blog. Thank you for visiting mine and offering encouragement!
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah. It is a terrible journey to share, yet it helps to know we are not alone in these thoughts and feelings, doesn't it?
DeleteThank you so much for taking the time to visit and for your kind words x