Fifth time's the charm?

Yes, after almost 10 months of failure and heartbreak, I am pregnant again! That's one of the reasons it's been a little quiet on the blog lately, the other is everything that goes with buying and moving in to a new house (more on that another time).

I probably should have seen this one coming, but I really didn't. Everything had been going so well, I was enjoying our new little village and walking down to the shops or post office each day, then suddenly, I had zero energy. Even the thought of walking 5 minutes made me feel tired! I just put it down to being run down as I also had a bit of a stuffy nose and a cold sore. Why did I not see this as a huge red flag?! The last time I had a cold sore I was pregnant!

A few days later, the three ladies from school who all had their babies at the end of last year came to visit. It was pretty hard, but I said my hellos and went back to my office for a bit of a cry. I was texting hubby about it and he asked, "Have you checked yourself?" I realised that I was a couple of days late, but just thought it was the metformin messing me around again.

I couldn't get his words out of my head and when I got home, I tested and was greeted with that lovely sight above, Pregant 1-2! I have to be completely honest and say that my first reaction was one of absolute terror. I find it so hard to imagine having a healthy pregnancy and knowing that there is really not all that much I can do about it. I was a nervous ball of energy for the next 30 minutes it took hubby to get home and share the news.

One of the possibilities my specialist wanted to rule out was low progesterone, so I went and had a hcg and serum progesterone test. Then I had to wait for the results. Every pain or pressure felt a thousand times worse and I was sure it was cramps on their way, but so far nothing. No cramping, no spotting, just incredibly sore breasts and nipples, nausea all day and very little appetite.

My progesterone was 55, which I have been told is really high (then I worry about if there is such a thing as too high?) and my hcg at 5w4d was 937. That is the highest number I have ever seen, even though I know it is not particularly high.

Today, at 5w6d my hcg is 1530. Not quite doubled in 48 hrs (tracking more like 60) but once numbers are over 1200 apparently between 72 and 96 hours is normal and as long as they are going up it's good.

We have our first scan next week, at 6w4d. I still break out in a cold sweat thinking of not hearing a heartbeat, etc but trying to be positive. I also guess we'll find out a due date and if my dates are a little out due to late ovulation and I'm not quite as far along as I think.

If I can make it to the scan, it'll be the longest any of my babies has stayed with me. That IS something to look forward to.

Don't even think about it

 

That's how I feel about this time every month.

I think, “I might be pregnant” and then a series of completely irrational thoughts take over. I'm sharing a few of them now in the hope that is anyone else is experiencing thoughts like this they wont feel so alone, or fearful of being called (or feeling) crazy.

First I think, don't get your hopes up. Every time you look forward to something it goes wrong.

Then I think, you're probably not pregnant anyway. After all this time, what are the chances?

Then, even if I am pregnant it doesn't mean anything. The chances of another miscarriage are unbelievably high.

Then, that's probably why you're not pregnant, so negative. Show some faith.

Then, that's probably really why you're not pregnant, God wont bless you with a miracle that you doubt.

Then, what's that got to do with anything? We had sex during my fertile window, we have as much chance as anyone else.

Then, I might be pregnant.

And so it goes.

Pregnancy announcements (where's the nearest hole, so I may hide?)

I had a feeling my team leader was pregnant, something about the absences and the explanations she gave to others. And the little wink to me after she told someone she wasn't eating properly.

She confirmed this a couple of weeks later, saying she wanted to tell me in private before any announcement was made at work. She's been so good in that regard, and I thanked her. We had a hug, a cry, swapped early pregnancy stories and then that was it. I said I wouldn't ask her anything, but I was happy for her to talk with me if she needed to.

I also had a feeling the other teacher was pregnant. I can't say exactly why, although I did see a hushed conversation between the two of them which may have tipped me off. Turns out they are due 2 days apart.

There's also another teacher I feel sure is pregnant. She's eating differently, has been away a couple of days recently and, more to the point, has been avoiding me like the plague. Which is odd as she is my closest friend at work. So it's either that she doesn't want to tell me something she fears will upset me, or she's doing that thing of avoiding the lady who loses all her babies in case the bad luck rubs off on her. Either way, this one is probably the most hurtful. She didn't even come to ask me how I was feeling after the others announced their pregnancies at a school function and I was visibly upset  (which I hated, but I'm getting used to!) I think that is my biggest clue so far. We'll see.

The day they announced was horrendous. I knew it was coming as my team leader warned me. She said they'd try to do it at a break time so I could slip away for a moment. The whole teaching team would be at an off site professional learning activity, and I told her thank you for thinking of me. I just wanted people to focus on her news, not my reaction to it. In the end, the Principal made the announcement right at the beginning of the day. The Assistant Principal came to warn me, but had the nerve to say that I shouldn't be too upset as 'everyone knows you're trying'. Not everyone knows that we have been successful four times, I wanted to scream back at her, but just forced some kind of smile to my lips.

Only the office manager came right to me after the announcement was made, looking for a tissue. She kept an eye on me all day which was lovely. Support from an unexpected source, when as I said, my closest friend at school didn't even ask once if I was doing ok.

I cried on and off for the next half hour or so. I just wanted to be anywhere but there. I don't think it's jealousy as I am genuinely happy for these two beautiful ladies and their partners. I think it is anger for myself and for my babies that they were never acknowledged for celebrated in the same way. The only thing worse was lunch, where I had to hear all the questions about tests and scans and food aversions and so on. Again, it was lovely to hear about their experiences, but it was as though I was being deliberately excluded from a club I am very much a part of. Two things made it worse.

One was hearing that at least they were young and things should go well, and that they should be happy they weren't over 35. Unbelievable. Can you not see me sitting right here? Are you saying my losses are my own fault because I left it too late to try to start my family?

The second thing was hearing a mother of 3 saying that she got drunk and ate all sorts of food she 'shouldn't have' the week before her first was born as 'what could go wrong now?' Do you have no idea of the number of still births and babies who dies in the days after they are born? How can you be so blasé?

This past Tuesday was the worst of all. My team leader had been for her 12 week scan the week before and was getting all her results and had announced her pregnancy on Facebook the night before. She came in to work positively beaming and I was so happy for her. But when she started talking about how all her immunisations were up to date and her vitamin levels and so on, I had to go find some other work to do. I couldn't sit there and listen to it. She hadn't been for any preconception appointments, hadn't had any blood tests, just naively went in and everything was working out fine. Pretty sure this one was pure jealousy. I felt like a terrible person but I just couldn't help it. How is this right? How is it fair? What more do we have to do?

The worst thing is this. If finding out a colleague is pregnant can make me feel like this, what will happen when it's a member of my family?

So it's PCO...

A lot has happened in the weeks since I last updated this blog.

I passed my 37th birthday, still not pregnant.

We passed the due date of our second angel baby.

My sister in law gave birth to her second child.

Hubby's birthday passed.

Two colleagues announced their pregnancies at work.

I went for a 3D ultrasound and was told I have PCO.

Sometimes I just want to hide. It feels like it is all too much, I seem to be just drifting from one day to another, not hiding from anything but not really dealing with it either.

My birthday was hard. I should have had a tiny 8 week old baby. I should have been pregnant, about to give birth. I should have been ready to announce a pregnancy. I should have been going for my first ultrasound. Instead, I was sitting in a restaurant being told that I should be happy that at least I could have a drink.

Baby's due date came and went. This was the only one who had a confirmed due date, one we had time to get used to and even had a pet name for. This was a hard day. I thought about taking the day, even the morning off work. In the end, I just went in so as not to be home alone.

The arrival of our little niece was uncomfortable. Hubby's family are in the UK and we haven't seen them for almost 3 years. This little one was due about the same time as ours. All his younger siblings have children, 6 between them. I have one niece on my side. As the older siblings in our respective families, we are the ones still waiting.

Hubby's birthday was ok. He doesn't enjoy celebrating at the best of times, I made sure to spoil him. He was just a little sad not to hear from his family until after the day had passed.

The pregnancy announcements at work were hard, as is the day to day reality of working in that environment. More about that in another post I think.

So then came the scan. AT the time, the specialist doing the test said everything looked fine. ''Nice big ovaries with lots of eggs'' was how he put it. Turns out that meant PCO. The fertility specialist doesn't think I have PCOS as my periods are always so regular and I obviously ovulate regularly due to the number of pregnancies. He's prescribed metformin as he told me this can regulate the associated hormone imbalance which he feels is likely the reason behind our losses. he seemed quite optimistic that this would 'do the trick' as he put it.

So at least we have an answer, finally, and a plan of action. I've got a prescription for 4 months. The FS thinks I'll fall again before it runs out, and he's given me a detailed plan of what treatment and appointments I'll have every week up until 12 weeks. I feel unaccountably optimistic this cycle. We managed to dtd at mostly the right time, I'm taking the metformin, that should do the trick! The challenge now will be not letting myself get my hopes too high! Only 4dpo, here's hoping this TWW doesn't drag :)

Getting our priorities straight

AF has come and gone. Another month of has begun.

I'm starting to get really anxious about TTC - how long 'til we fall again, will everything be ok, what to do about work, is hubby in the right frame of mind, is this really best for our marriage... it just goes on.

Everything in our life says now is not the right time for a baby. We're both in a pretty bad way health and emotional wise, hubby's meds make him even less in the mood than before, work is getting too big for both of us, family issues, we're still trying to get the house sorted... but at the same time, there's ALWAYS going to be a reason not to get this going. I feel like the reason we are having these troubles is because we have waited too long. And not just because of my age.

And now, with Christmas coming, I'm feeling this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I'd thought I'd be 16 weeks pg by Christmas. I'd even started thinking about cute Christmas baby bump photos. I loved the idea of having that special time with family to look forward to next year being so much better for all of us than this one. Now I don't even want to put up my tree when the time comes because I won't be taking those photos and instead people will be awkwardly avoiding the subject of my miscarriage.

Work is a whole other issue. I'm off for the rest of the year on long service leave and really trying to get myself right after the miscarriage. I'd asked for, and honestly expected to be granted, a time reduction at work. But I was refused flat out. So now not only am I facing full time work at a job my doctor told me to quit, but also the thought that if we don't fall again, or if I do and I miscarry, that it'll be my fault for not cutting back like I was told. I'm also looking for another teaching position, but at this time of year it can be a bit tricky.

In the meantime, I just hide in my spare room, not thinking that it's supposed to be a nursery, and surround myself with a million craft projects to keep me occupied.

My next fertile window is less than 4 days away... I have NO idea what to do.

It's (digitally) official!

With my doctors appointment coming up this morning, I took my last hpt. I'd been saving my Clearblue digital until I was sure, and here's the result:

Sent the pic to hubby at work, then made my way to the doctor. When I told her I was pregnant again, she told me she thought that was why I had booked in as she had worked out my dates! She was super reassuring that we have nothing to worry about and that we should plan for the baby we are going to have. Still not totally convinced, and am analysing every twinge and pain, but after she said that I could feel myself start to relax a little.

She took blood for hcg and also to check my blood type as I am pretty sure I am rh negative. I'm hoping that my last miscarriage wont have an impact on this pregnancy. Asked me to come back Thursday for the results, so hubby will be able to come with me.

I guess it is finally (after 4 days) starting to feel real. Here's to the journey ahead!

OPKs

This is my second cycle using OPKs. The girls on the EB TTC#1 forum were super helpful with all my questions last time. I was wondering about how long I should be 'holding it in' the other day, as my bladder was screaming for release so decided to test my Dr Google theory. it wasn't good. The results ranged from 4 hours to 2 hours to don't hold it and just test whenever you need to pee. So I decided to investigate a little further - when was the best time to test?
 - My Dr says use FMU because hormones are most concentrated
 - My Dr says never use FMU because LH (the hormone measured by OPKs) is only synthesised in the day
 - Before 12 pm
 - Before 4 pm
 - Between 8 and 10pm
By far the best answer was, test when the instructions on the pack tell you to. Only problem is with buying all these cheapies off the internet, they don't always come with instructions.

I also found out thanks to the EB girls that it is possible to miss the LH surge and therefore never get a true positive. Last month I got a pretty clear positive result on CD 16, this time, not so much. For interests sake, here are my OPKs from this cycle.

From this it's clear that I never got a true positive. It's also clear that this photo is of old tests and that you're not supposed to count the results after 10 minutes. However, I would assume that CD17 shows the strongest result, very closely followed by CD18. I'm happy, for my own purposes, to count CD17 as my positive. I haven't had any tests yet to confirm that I actually ovulate and I am not prepared to start testing more than once a day as I have seen recommended by some.

With this in mind, I tried a different tack with hubby this cycle. I didn't tell him a thing. I was counting on my positive being CD16 as I think is usual for me, and we dtd on CD13 and CD16. When I saw my OPKs, I mentioned to hubby that I wasn't going to tell him anything more than to make a choice - we dtd either Saturday, Sunday or Monday, which I knew would be CD17-19. I wasn't going to say anything else, I wasn't going to pressure him. I'd already asked him to be more proactive in the whole dtd business, baby making aside.

So it got to last night and nothing. I was super calm, I had expected this. I just asked to remind him of two things, he said he'd make more of an effort, and he'd promised one of those three days. To which he said, "Tomorrow then." I said yes, for sure (I'm not passing up an opportunity!) but reminded him that I had told him those days for a reason. He told me that he didn't think it made a difference and that there was always a chance no matter what the timing! We then had to have a quick refresher on the whole Great Sperm Race and what happens to the egg after ovulation.

I'm pretty sure that tonight will be a no-go anyway, and either way I think its too late to catch the egg this cycle. But looking back I think that we got a couple in on time, so maybe some of those little buggers have worked their magic. I guess only time will tell.

TTC in the age of (mis)information

The whole process of trying to conceive, for those of us who have to plan and monitor our bodily functions in the hope of catching that elusive egg, is full of questions, doubts, and mysteries.

It should be that having access to more information about how our bodies work and how conception occurs should make the process easier, and perhaps in some ways it does. In other ways, all the information so readily available at our fingertips seems to do nothing more than fuel the TTC craziness.

When I last posted I was 12 dpo. I had tested earlier in the day and got a bfn. Right, I thought, only two days till AF is due, I can wait it out. The following day, having had a slight bit of spotting, I tested again. Another bfn. Now, at this point, I KNEW we were out for this month. Sitting alone in the house a few hours later I pulled out my phone and searched "BFP after BFN at 13dpo" What SHOULD have come up is a matter of fact explanation that, at this point, most tests would pick up a pregnancy and most women get reliable results from these tests. What did come up was far different.

I saw board after board, page after page, full of women asking the same question and reading about other women who got their BFP at 14, 15 or 16 dpo. Women who never got a positive home pregnancy test no matter how far along they were when they tested, etc.

Then I searched about spotting at 13dpo and if it could be implantation bleeding. Same thing.

It really is disheartening. What I was looking for was confirmation of my gut instinct. What I found instead was false hope.

Will it stop me searching in the future? Not a chance. I know there is valuable and reliable information out there. Will I steer away from certain pages and message boards? I can guarantee it!

I'd love to hear from others who have had the same struggle with information overload. Do you have a story to share?