What happened when I told my world about our loss

Yesterday, being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I posted about our recent miscarriage on Facebook.

I don't think I was being brave, I was very scared to do it. But I felt that surely there are other people I know suffering in silence and I wanted to reach out to them. I also wanted our little Poppy to be acknowledged.

I don't normally post a lot to Facebook, I just use it to keep in touch with family and friends overseas. My message box is more full than my wall, if you know what I mean!

I thought this would be a nice, easy and non-threatening way to deal with the topic. One of the biggest fears I have about sharing is what people will say, this way I didn't have to deal with it in person. I know it also makes people feel uncomfortable as they don't know what to say, so what could be easier than clicking the 'Like" button, right? No need to say anything at all.

Only a very few people responded. Most of these were just a click on the Like button, but a couple added a few xxx for good measure. My mum wrote a beautiful message. I got a couple of "Thinking of you" responses from a couple of people I haven't actually spoken to in years. I also got a couple of PMs from my sisters and aunty, just to check in on how we are doing (we've since had a family member pass away, so really hard at the moment). Then there was one response I have so far chosen to ignore.

It started with a "Thinking of you" and ended with sharing that this person had herself lost a baby. It was the part in the middle that upset me. She suggested that the only reason I even knew I was pregnant was because of 'advances in testing' and that years ago I wouldn't have even known I was pregnant, so wouldn't have anything to be sad about. I really don't even know where to begin with this and just thinking about it making me agitated, so I'm still trying to ignore it!

The other upsetting thing was the family and friends who were obviously online, posting pictures of cats and videos of people falling over who didn't respond at all. Now I know that because I am very boring they may have hidden me from their feed or whatever, but it felt like they were right there and they chose to ignore us. I'm trying not to think about that, either.

To end with a positive, two of the people who responded (who have 4 children between them) then went on to post a status of their own saying that they were thinking of all their friends who had lost babies, which I thought was lovely.

Overall, I think I am glad I chose to share, and I will probably do so once each year, to keep our baby's memory alive.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2014

Pregnancy and infant loss. It’s not something I had ever talked about, let alone thought about. Sure, in my worst moments I thought that I would never be a mother; I still have those thoughts now but for entirely different reasons.

When I used to think such thoughts, it was more a philosophical reasoning. Maybe I would never find a man worthy of being a father. Maybe I would be off travelling the world and find that the time had passed.  I thought that miscarriage was something that happened to ‘other people’ after all, I had only ever known one woman to have a miscarriage and she had been told not to get pregnant due to medication she was taking at the time.

Now I am filled with fear about recurrent pregnancy loss and I feel like part of this was my total ignorance of miscarriage statistics. If I had known how common it was, and that no matter how painful, many early early miscarriages are due to the body’s natural detection of genetic abnormalities, I might not have struggled with guilt. The SANDS website (see link at the end of this post) says:

Each year in Australia, approximately 150,000 couples experience reproductive loss;

about 147,000 experience a miscarriage,

1,750 babies are stillborn

and about 850 babies die in the first 28 days after birth.

I can’t tell you the number of times I cried to my husband, apologising for killing his baby. I can’t tell you the number of times he held me and reassured me that there was nothing we could have done. He believed it because that’s what the doctor had told him. I found it hard to believe because if it was so common, how come no one I knew had gone through this?

My life is full of amazing women. Most of these have children. In fact, the only women I know who don’t have children are those who have told me straight out that they aren’t ready yet. My husband’s three siblings have welcomed 5 children in the last 5 years with another on the way. It seems that even within our own family we are the 1-in-4.

It hurts me now to realise that surely there are women who I count among my friends who have suffered through pregnancy loss alone. Why do we do this? Why do we allow our friends, sisters, cousins to suffer alone?

In my case, I know that one of the main reasons I didn’t want to tell people was because of a sense of guilt. That I was somehow defective because I couldn’t manage to keep my baby alive. I now know that that’s likely not the case. Another bigger reason was that I didn’t want to hear the crappy platitudes they would be likely to give.

“At least you know you CAN get pregnant.”

“You’ll be able to have fun trying again.”

“It must be part of God’s plan.”

“There was probably something wrong with the baby, so it’s better this way.”

And worse than that, I didn’t want to hear anything that turned the blame to me.

“You know older women have a higher chance of miscarriage, don’t you?”

“Do you think it’s because you are overweight?”

“Are you too stressed? You need to relax and focus on your baby.”

“Did you eat something you shouldn’t have?”

“You did give up alcohol, didn’t you?”

“Do you still let your husband smoke?”

I just wish that people would approach the loss of a child, no matter the time, like they would the death of any other family member or friend. I read on a miscarriage forum the other day that the only acceptable response when someone tells you they have had a miscarriage is, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

I found a beautiful “Wish list” on the Bears of Hope website.

Wishes of An Angel's Mum & Dad

• I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. Just because you never saw him doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
• I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. I need to cry and talk about my baby with you, it helps me heal.
• I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me, it tells me you care.
• I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby and the dreams I had for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too, but please understand that it's not all like that.
• I wish you wouldn't judge me because I’m not acting the way you think I should be. Grief is a very personal thing and we’re all different people who deal with things differently.
• I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm ok or if I have a bad day I’m being unreasonable. There is no "normal" way for me to act.
• I wish you wouldn't expect me to “feel better” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. It may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
• I wish you could tell me you are thinking of me on my baby’s birthday, Mothers Day, celebration times and the day my baby died. These are all important and sad days for me.
• I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. I’m not the same person I was before and I’ll never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you’ll stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the ‘new’ me, you might even still like me.

Author Unknown

The last point really resonates with me. As I wrote last week, I know that my heart has been changed. I am still trying to work out what that means.

So I was brave today. With my husband’s consent (because it’s not just about me) I posted about our loss on Facebook. I want people to know that I am a mother, even though I don’t have a baby here to hold. And I want the other women I know who have suffered in silence to know that they have a friend who is sharing this most horrible experience.

If you, or someone you know is struggling with pregnancy or infant loss, you might like to check out the following websites. There are many out there, I have found these ones really helpful.

http://www.pregnancylossaustralia.org.au/index02.php?id=42&pl=12  

http://www.bearsofhope.org.au/a/229.html

http://www.sands.org.au/

It's (digitally) official!

With my doctors appointment coming up this morning, I took my last hpt. I'd been saving my Clearblue digital until I was sure, and here's the result:

Sent the pic to hubby at work, then made my way to the doctor. When I told her I was pregnant again, she told me she thought that was why I had booked in as she had worked out my dates! She was super reassuring that we have nothing to worry about and that we should plan for the baby we are going to have. Still not totally convinced, and am analysing every twinge and pain, but after she said that I could feel myself start to relax a little.

She took blood for hcg and also to check my blood type as I am pretty sure I am rh negative. I'm hoping that my last miscarriage wont have an impact on this pregnancy. Asked me to come back Thursday for the results, so hubby will be able to come with me.

I guess it is finally (after 4 days) starting to feel real. Here's to the journey ahead!

I think we have a winner!

So, my resolve not to test again till Monday totally faded. I tested again yesterday morning with the last strip I had, and then this morning with the last FRER I had. Have to say, the lines are getting darker and that's making me think that this little one intends to stick around!

I've just called the doctor and made an appointment for tomorrow. No idea what comes next, I'm hoping that she'll do a blood test and ask me to come back at least once to check - mostly to put my mind at ease after last time. I have heard some ladies say that their doctor doesn't test saying that a positive hpt is the same as a positive blood test, so I guess I'll find out tomorrow what my doctor thinks.

After the surprise announcement that I planned for hubby with our first, I couldn't bring myself to do it again. So when he got home Friday and asked how I was feeling and should I be worried that I was still feeling so run down and maybe I should go to the doctor... I showed him the test. His reaction was so lovely. I thought he might be scared, and I know he's apprehensive after last time, but his first reaction was a double fist pump and a "Yes!" - about as expressive as he gets!

I keep changing between praying for this little one to hang in, and just talking to our little poppy seed telling it how much it will be loved if it will just stick around to find out =]

New Blog Title!

I've been thinking about this for a while, but especially now that I am no longer 35!

I wanted to change to something that reflects how I am feeling, but also something that can stick with me - I'm not planning on changing the title again.

You + Me = Family means a lot of things to me. Firstly, it is a reminder to hubby and I that even if it is just the two of us, we are still a family. That has been something we have really worked on over the last 5 years as we are both from pretty big families but we think it is important to realise that even if it just the two of us, we are our own family now.

It also means that it is the unique combination of hubby and me that will make up the genetics and personality of any children we are blessed enough to have. That's a really important reminder. It's also a reminder that no matter how long it takes, that how long it will take to create the child that is supposed to be a part of our family.

Maybe I'm being a little sentimental, but I like the new change. What do you think?

We Have A Go!

After two weeks of worrying myself sick about my blood test results, we finally went in for our appointment on Friday. It was pretty intense as I also had my final Work Cover appointment to give me the all clear for returning to full time work and hubby had an appointment to discuss recent xrays he had.

By the time we finally got to our 'baby appointment' I'd almost forgotten how nervous I was! Our doctor was happy to see that hubby had come along for support, she told him that's a good sign for what's to come. I thought she meant my results, turns out she meant in the future, my heart rate shot through the roof!

So, in the end, almost everything was fine. I was worried mostly about Rubella (being ages since I was immunised), blood sugar (diabetes in the family), and possibly cholesterol - all perfect. The things is, and doc reinforced this, that although I am carrying extra weight, this is mostly due to my back injury and not necessarily poor diet, so my results reinforced this. I have also lost another 2kg over Christmas, which is a huge plus. Liver function showed one raised enzyme, no problem she said as long as it's not two or more, and the only other problems were low Vitamin D (take a pill each day, along with my pregnancy vitamin) and low Hep B. I went and had the booster right away and they said two weeks wait before TTC, but preferably 4 weeks to be sure.

With all this news in hand, we returned to the reception desk and booked in to have my BC implant removed - February 28th! Amazing. Seems so soon!

Stay tuned for more as our journey continues =]

Why do you even WANT a baby?

I am really hoping to get some feedback here. My hubby asks me this question every now and then and sometimes I find that I can’t answer him. “I just do,” isn’t really an acceptable answer.

Last night, the conversation got quite intense. He thinks that the fact I want a baby means I am unhappy with our life together, that he is not enough for me, that I need someone else to complete my life. That without a child I feel as though we are not a real family. I asked him if he thought he met every need I have, he said no. I asked him if he thought he should be able to fill all of my needs, he wasn't sure, but he seemed to think that if he was a 'good' husband, that he should be able to do this. 

I asked him if he thought I fulfilled all his needs, purposely asking about the things that he prefers to do with other men rather than me (watching football, talking about football, and so on). I found his answer interesting. He likes doing those things with others, but needs to do them with me too. If I do something else while he is watching football, even if I am sitting next to him reading, he feels like I am not giving him the attention I should. I think one book I read referred to this as "Recreational Intimacy."

He voiced the thought that if we don't have a baby, by choice or through fertility issues, that he doesn't think he alone would be enough to make me happy and that I would end up resentful, unhappy and depressed for the rest of my life.

It was quite hard to explain to him that the love I have for him is different to the need I have for a baby and the love I would have for that child. I don't think I managed to express it in a way he understood - to him, love is love.

He often talks of 'giving' me a baby and I think that is part of it. I feel as though bearing his child is the greatest gift I could give him. He sees it as something I am doing for myself. In some ways it is a little selfish of me, I want my life to be worth more than the things I have, I want the value or quality of my life to be measured by the people I love and the love they have for me.

For those of you that have children, why did you want them? Now that you have them, has that want been fulfilled? How would you answer this question?