Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, 2017

This day is so important to us, and to many bereaved parents. It is a day for honoring the memories of little ones lost, and for trying to break the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss.

I have posted many times in the past about this topic, and now, parenting after loss is bringing a whole new perspective to this date. I often look at our little one and think about the siblings she sill never meet. She could have had a big brother or sister two years older than her. How would they be together? Would they look alike? Would they play together or antagonise each other? How would our lives as parents be different with two instead of one? It's even possible, given the timing of our losses, that she could have two older siblings, what would THAT look like for us?

And then I get to thinking that if we hadn't lost those babies, maybe we would never have had her. Our little Squish might never have been born due to spacing gaps between siblings or a whole range of other issues that can come with bringing home a baby.

Parenting after loss can bring such guilt too. There have been so many times when we have been struggling with sickness, sleep deprivation or simply not knowing how to ease our little one or what she needs, that we have been cross with her or with each other. And then to feel such guilt for not always being 'happy' with our little miracle. We love her more than anything, but she's still a baby! And babies can be a challenge!

If you are grieving the loss of a little one, our thoughts are with you. Especially to those who suffer in silence and have not told their friends or family about their loss. love and hugs to you x

Picture from Luminous Light Studio

Remember with me

This week has been rough and I am trying not to let it get me down. Trying, but not succeeding.

May 26th marked what could have been our little one's first birthday. All I wanted was for someone to remember with us. No one did. I felt bad enough that I actually had to remind hubby, but I have to do that even for my birthday. However, coming from a family that usually makes such a fuss over birthdays, all I wanted was for someone to remember.

Last year I put it all over social media, we even held a special sale during May and donated a percentage of the profits to Sands Victoria. The advertising said, "...in honour of our little one who was due May 26th."

This year, I didn't write anything. I knew that if I did, I would get one or two messages from people who's memories were suddenly jogged, but I didn't want that. I know that what I wanted wasn't logical, or rational, after all our little one means far more to us than to them, but still...

I didn't want a big song and dance, I didn't want a fuss. All I wanted was an acknowledgement that the day, and every day after, would be incomplete without that little life to celebrate.

I suppose it was just one more day in a long run. Bereaved Mother's day where only two people acknowledged me, Mother's Day where only one person did, my birthday where everyone wanted to know what a 'great' day I was having and then this. It's really feels like the monumental impact our losses have had on our life together mean nothing at all to the people who at one point meant everything to me.

I also don't know how to move forward, especially with some people in my immediate family. I know our loss and pain makes them uncomfortable, but if it was me I would know that my discomfort was so small compared to their pain of their loss. Instead, they avoid me, don't mention any of our babies, and get upset with me what I don't behave the way I am "supposed to."

I am at the point where I just don't want to deal with it any more. It is easier not to see them or talk to them than to cope with this. I know over time this will change, as it did immediately following our loss, but for now I think this is how it has to be.

Beginning again, again

Hubby and I take a lot of these silhouette photos when we travel. He's a little shy of having his photo taken, so this was our compromise. We took one just before our first miscarriage and when I look at it, it seems fitting somehow. We are still here, but in a sense we are just shadows of what we were before. We're working hard at getting back to their light, but at the same time, I don't think the light will ever shine quite that brightly again.

Physically things seem to be going well since the miscarriage. I have keyed up the Ovia fertility app again and it is stubbornly telling me that we are right in the middle of my fertile window although I haven't felt that tell tale ovulation pain at this point. I am not really expecting anything, we have mostly decided to at least wait until my first period before trying again.

I was told again that we get to have fun trying again. It's just not fun. The first two times we dtd after our most recent loss I cried. Before, during and after. They say sex is all in the head for women (not that I agree) but in this case all I could think of was that there should still be a baby in there and then we wouldn't be 'trying' at all. And I cried for our baby, our loss, our grief, my husband and myself. Then I cried because I was crying and... well, it goes on.

The grief is almost unbearable at times.  I look at my beautiful husband, a father with no children to hold and my heart just feels so bruised, so shattered. I can feel for him, he's such a part of me and I want to protect him. What I can't deal with is being told that I have to make other people feel better. I keep being reminded that other people are sad about our loss and I should be trying to make them feel better. I just can't. I can't pick up the phone to comfort someone how hasn't even sent a message to see how were doing.

So, the days are moving past and we are trying to begin again. Nothing will change what has happened in the past or the hole in our hearts and lives where our babies should be, but we can try to look to the future and remind ourselves that next time, just maybe, things will be different.

Why do you even WANT a baby?

I am really hoping to get some feedback here. My hubby asks me this question every now and then and sometimes I find that I can’t answer him. “I just do,” isn’t really an acceptable answer.

Last night, the conversation got quite intense. He thinks that the fact I want a baby means I am unhappy with our life together, that he is not enough for me, that I need someone else to complete my life. That without a child I feel as though we are not a real family. I asked him if he thought he met every need I have, he said no. I asked him if he thought he should be able to fill all of my needs, he wasn't sure, but he seemed to think that if he was a 'good' husband, that he should be able to do this. 

I asked him if he thought I fulfilled all his needs, purposely asking about the things that he prefers to do with other men rather than me (watching football, talking about football, and so on). I found his answer interesting. He likes doing those things with others, but needs to do them with me too. If I do something else while he is watching football, even if I am sitting next to him reading, he feels like I am not giving him the attention I should. I think one book I read referred to this as "Recreational Intimacy."

He voiced the thought that if we don't have a baby, by choice or through fertility issues, that he doesn't think he alone would be enough to make me happy and that I would end up resentful, unhappy and depressed for the rest of my life.

It was quite hard to explain to him that the love I have for him is different to the need I have for a baby and the love I would have for that child. I don't think I managed to express it in a way he understood - to him, love is love.

He often talks of 'giving' me a baby and I think that is part of it. I feel as though bearing his child is the greatest gift I could give him. He sees it as something I am doing for myself. In some ways it is a little selfish of me, I want my life to be worth more than the things I have, I want the value or quality of my life to be measured by the people I love and the love they have for me.

For those of you that have children, why did you want them? Now that you have them, has that want been fulfilled? How would you answer this question?