Life goes ever on

Sometimes I wish it could just slow down for a bit!

Being back to full time work is proving more of a drain than expected. Not just on my energy reserves, but on having any time to do anything else. This is not where I want to be. I want to be able to spend time with hubby on his days off. I want to be able to spend time in my workshop and not feel guilty about it! My doctor advised me again today to quit...

I'm also starting to worry about what impact this may have on TTC. I am 7dpo today and we gave it a really good go this month. Hubby decided, without even talking to me about it, to stop taking his anti depressants. His drive, while never that high to begin with, has at least turned up again and he was the one asking which days were going to be the best for us to try. I still had to do the initiating when it came to it, but after the last 5 months, it was a huge turn around.

I know that people do worse things than go to school every day and still manage to fall pregnant, I just wonder, given my history, if I should be doing ANYTHING that has the potential to make this harder than it already is. I also know that I am thinking about it more now because of this darned TWW!

I have had pulling, crampy pains in my lower abdomen on the left side just like I did when I fell pregnant in early September. I keep telling myself that it's just coincidence, anything could be going on down there, but it's a hard thought to shake.

I suppose, once again, only time will tell.

A Million places all at once

That's where my mind is.

You would think that launching my new online store this week would have been enough to keep my mind off our latest TWW, that was part of the plan afterall. Truthfully, it does work of a lot of the time but it seems like my brain then tries to make up for the lost time by cramming all the worries into one short time!

I am currently 12dpo and at this stage would be expecting a positive if I was to test. So I did. Only problem is, I think the test was broken (not just because I got a BFN!). As I opened it, it was stuck to the moisture pack and tore a little. I was also torn in the actual test section of the strip.

In truth, I only tested because I had it there. Otherwise I am more than happy to wait for the predicted arrival of AF on Wednesday. I would have liked to think we had a shot this month, everyone keeps telling me that right after a miscarriage is when you're at your most fertile, but we only managed to dtd once, the day I got my positive OPK and it was a little awkward being the first time since the miscarriage... so my hopes really aren't that high. Having said that...

It's hard not to get my hopes up. This baby would mean more to us now than ever, after all the other things that have been happening in our families lately. It would just give us something peaceful and something positive to focus on. Instead, all we have is the void left by the loss of our last baby.

I am determined to wait this one out. I don't want to know about any possible chemical pregnancies or anything like that. I'll wait till Wednesday and if AF doesn't seem to be on her way I'll wait till Thursday when hubby is home from work to test again.

Waiting, waiting...

I'm Waiting!

It seems to be my life at the moment, and I am sure anyone caught up in the TTC process can relate!

A strange thing happened this morning. After deciding that I wouldn't poas as AF is only 2 days away and I am pretty certain we are out for this month (having only dtd once, the day before ovulation) I gave in a did anyway... and saw something I have never seen before. A thin, white/shiny line where the test line should be. It came up almost immediately, even before the control line was fully developed. A quick google wasn't much help. There were two main thoughts, one that it was a faulty test, but second was from women who had this result, then tested the next day and had a BFP.

I went out and bought another box of frers, but REALLY wanted to hold off until tomorrow. I'm nothing if not impulsive so I tried again. No shiny line, but I SWEAR there is an almost imperceptibly faint second line. I've poas quite a few times and have never had this experience before. It's always been an obvious BFN.

So now I am waiting, oh so patiently, for tomorrow to come so I can test again! Don't know if it is helping (I know it isn't!) but I have been talking to my tummy all morning, just praying, 'Hang on, little one!'

**If you haven't seen the Princess Bride, please do!

When is a negative not a negative?

Theoretically, my TWW has ended. In reality, I'm still waiting for either a positive test, or for my period to arrive. At this point, I'll take either!

I have also changed my view on home testing. I started testing on Wednesday, thinking that I would like to know early and got a negative. Didn't worry me too much at the time as I thought it would be too early anyway. Tested again on Friday, 12DPO, negative. That put me into a bit of a funk. I spent most of the day at work googling how HPTs work and what is considered 'normal' for HcG levels in early pregnancy. I also ate a ridiculous number of carbs, not only as comfort food, but to help with nausea. Saturday I spent trying not to think about testing the following day, or the impending arrival of AF. This morning I tested again, another negative. I have one test left that I will probably use, next Friday, but after that, I'm done.

There is something to be said for waiting to find out. Ignorance is bliss? I don't know what it is, but I really could have done without the stress of the last couple of days. For me, it seems that just waiting to find out if/when AF arrives is going to be the best way to cope. I have resolved not to buy another HPT until I have missed my period. Hopefully I can stick to it!

So, what do I know? I know that my tests are negative, and that AF is not on the scene. I also know from my research that HPTs rely on average levels HcG of about 25 to give a positive result (with some variation) and that this is the 'average' level about 2 days before your period is due, if you are pregnant. Further reading has shown me that a level of 18 is within the 'normal' range up to the fifth week of pregnancy. Very low, the high end of the fifth week range is in the thousands, but still, it's there.

So what does that mean for me? I guess it means that it's still possible that I am pregnant, and then all my crazy symptoms of the last two weeks will make sense. It could also mean that I am not, and AF is due any day. It could also mean that my body is still adjusting to coming off BC and that is what is causing the symptoms. Right now, it also means that my wait continues...

Keeping Busy in the TWW

Seems like an almost impossible task, right?!

I am lucky that I have a fairly demanding job, lots of planning and preparation and then a room full of students to keep me occupied for most of the day. It's the nights and weekends that get me. I have been doing a bit of reading, a bit of crafting but honestly, I have felt so bad that I haven't really been up to doing anything. That means that I sit and think. As I was aimlessly browsing, trying NOT to google every symptom I am feeling, I found a great list of "14 things to do when 14 days seem like forever" on the BabyBelly.com.au site.

In shorthand, here are the ideas:
1. Take a walk
2. Clean out ready for maternity wear
3. Start a journal
4. Plant a hope garden
5. Get better at photography
6. Make an appeal to your reproductive system!
7. Paint your toenails
8. Make a cup of herbal tea
9. Swim laps
10.Make lists
11. Create a fertility dance
12. Prepare a folic acid feast
13. Delegate the burden of the TWW to friends and family
14. Make a list of 14 things to do in the TWW

So I took the last one to heart, and here is what I came up with:
1. Cooking dinner for the week ahead
2. Clean out the spare room
3. Sort the bookshelf
4. Check Pinterest for great newborn photography ideas
5. Herbal tea - peppermint
6. Make lists of names, especially girls names as we can't think of many!
7. Make a list of who to tell and when
8. Draw up the pattern for the ring toy I want to make
9. Sketch some ideas for nursery decor (I LOVE drawing)
10. Read that book my sister gave me for Christmas, can't even remember what it is called, but it's big!
11. Plan the type of pregnancy/baby diary I want to keep, check Pinterest for ideas!
12. Plan all my lessons until the end of term, it's only two weeks away
13. Ring mum and nan for a catch up
14. Plan how I will tell hubby if I get a BFP!

So that's it, this is the list I am working through this week trying to keep my mind of how sick I am feeling and definitely NOT thinking about the TWW.  Here's hoping it works!

What do you do, or try to do, to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied during the TWW?

Early Pregnancy Symptoms before Implantation

I have been doing a lot of reading this weekend. I had thought, on my limited medical knowledge, that there would be no way for a woman to feel any pregnancy symptoms before implantation. I thought that this was when the baby and mother started interacting, and therefore the first time for hormones to have any impact on the mother.

Then I spent the last week feeling awful.

I have had bloating, cramps and nausea every day for the last week. I have been extremely tired, to the point where I have been in bed very early the last 3 nights and actually slept for 16 hours yesterday. I have been short of breath and using my asthma puffer regularly during the day, not something I normally have to do. I developed an allergic reaction to my wedding ring and I totally lost interest in sex. The last 3 days I have had terrible headaches and an awful taste in my mouth. So I took a HPT, thinking that surely if I was feeling all this I must be pregnant.

BFN.

So I started researching. I looked for the type of EPS that women reported at 3 and 4 weeks. I looked up if it is even possible to have symptoms before implantation and although the replies from some forum members seem to be a loud "NO!" the research I saw said that maybe it isn't so crazy.

HCG, the hormone associated with the symptoms of pregnancy, isn't the only hormone that can cause these symptoms. The other culprit is progesterone. This starts to build from the moment of ovulation and some of the articles I ready suggested that this hormone increases once conception or fertilisation occurs. I also read that there are some women who are more susceptible to these types of changes in their hormone levels.

Theoretically, it is possible that I am pregnant and that would explain the terrible way I have been feeling. But because this is our first try, because I have been on BC for a few years and not ovulating, there is another theory I am starting to think is more likely.

If progesterone is only released after ovulation, and I haven't been ovulating while on BC, then it could just be that my body is not used to having this hormone in my system and I am reacting to it. The other problem is that although I am off BC I don't know when or even if I am ovulating. I think I know, based on pains and twinges I felt just over a week ago, but I don't know for sure.

So I don't really know what that BFN means. Am I pregnant but it is too early to test? Or is it a genuine BFN and I should expect a visit from dear old AF any day now?

I suppose only time will tell. The TWW continues!

Our First Ever Two Week Wait!

If (and it's a big 'if') my cycle has stayed the same after coming off birth control,  we are just starting our first TWW. Crazy!

I have decided to take things easy this first month, no temping or checking CM, just making time to DTD every 2-3 days and we'll see what happens.  Possibly naive,  but I think this is best for us.

 I'm lucky to be fluctuating between forgetting about it altogether and then remembering and realising that I can't know yet, so I just go back to whatever I was doing.  I'm sure that will change as the days count down!

For now, Pinterest is keeping me occupied,  I gave 4 secret baby boards on the go. I'll share some of my favorite pins in another post.

11 days to go...

A Nervy Wait...

If all of this goes according to plan, this wont be the last time I am nervously waiting for test results! I suppose I should get used to it.

Had my pre-pregnancy blood/urine tests yesterday. I was surprised by how much blood they had to take for all the tests. I had no idea there was a urine test to go with it so I had to drop that back later in the day. So now I have to wait 3-4 days for the results. Hubby wants to go with me and so that means waiting till next Friday.

I'm suddenly really worried about all the things that they might find with these tests, I even had a moment of panic last night thinking they would tell me I had cancer. This then widened to a fear that I would find out about something, anything, that would mean I can have children at all.

I mentioned to hubby that I was a bit worried about all this and he said, "I don't think you have given this enough thought. If you are worrying now, what are you going to be like when there is an actual baby to worry about?"

So yes, this could very well be the beginning of a lifetime of worry! Am doing school work to keep myself occupied, and the heat (it's 36 here at 11am in the morning, heading for 43) is certainly giving me something else to think about!

What do you do to keep your mind occupied while waiting for test results, or to stop you worrying in general?

The Next Step

Our pre-conception appointment on Friday went pretty well. I was a little worried at first at how hubby was going to be, an appointment like this makes everything seem a little more 'real' but he was fine and jumped right in with the questions.

Before anything else, here is what my doctor had to say in response to our prepared questions:

How long after removal of my implant is it possible to fall pregnant? Same day! So we need to consider this carefully.

What effect will the painkillers I have been taking have on a baby? Not good, so I need to stay off them and stick with the TENS machine. If this doesn't work, we'll need to re-consider what treatment I am receiving. 

Do I need to consider alternative pain management while trying to conceive or when pregnant? As above.

How long should we ‘try’ before scheduling another appointment? Didn't really get into this, at this stage she sees no reason to worry about this.

What prenatal vitamins does she recommend? When should I begin taking them? I'll be seeing her again next week after my blood test results come back and we'll talk about this then.

What can hubby do to help? (e.g. vitamins of his own, etc) Stop smoking and stress less, best advice she could give at the moment =]

Am I at risk for any problems? Do I need to take any specific precautions? I was told the the two biggest risks to me are gestational diabetes and high blood pressure, which may or may not go away after the pregnancy. For the baby, the said the risks are not so high at this point that I should be concerned.

How can I safely continue weightloss? (diet, exercise, etc) Stick with what I am doing now and we will re-assess if/when we are successful. This was reassuring, she also mentioned that there are some women who actually lose weight during pregnancy (not counting on that!) and that it was important not to 'eat for two.'

Are all my immunisations up to date? If not, what do I need and when? Will this mean we have to wait before trying to conceive? I am having a full blood test on Monday to answer these questions and then we will go from there.

Are there any health problems or conditions I should take care of before trying to conceive? Again, blood tests should indicate any concerns here.

What effect could my back injury have on trying to conceive or during pregnancy? Possible, but at this stage not likely to cause any issues.

Given my back injury, what impact might being pregnant have on my ability to continue working? Possible, but at this stage not likely to cause any issues.

What can hubby and I do to increase the chances of getting pregnant? Didn't get to this, but will be asking when tests are back.

Overall, the appointment was really positive. I felt at the time that she didn't take my worries about the effects of my age seriously, but she was trying to point out to me that with medical care as it is these days, there is no reason that things shouldn't go well for us.

It was really good to be able to voice some of our deepest fears (problems for me, for baby, not being able to conceive, etc) and to have them answered in a sensible, logical way.

The plan now is this. I have a full blood test Monday, results by end of the week. At that appointment, we discuss anything that has shown up in the results. If all is good, I start taking my vitamins and book in to have my implant removed and we get on with it. If not, we address each thing as it needs to be.

Needless to say, hubby and I have had a LOT of interesting conversations over the last few days. Stay tuned for more!

Pre-conception Appointment Checklist

Hubby and I are scheduled for a pre-conception appointment this Friday. After talking about making babies for so long, this seems like the first momentous step in that direction! Needless to say we are both feeling a little nervous.

Most of my issues centre around my age and the fact that I am still trying to lose weight. The diet my doctor currently has me on is fairly restrictive and very low carb, so I think that may have to change. I don't smoke, never have, I don't use recreational drugs and I only drink once a month or so, easy to cut out. As for hubby, he is slightly underweight due to work demands and he smokes. Not a lot, but enough to be a concern to me for his own sake, let alone our chances of conception and whatever impact it may have on our unborn child.

I really want to get the most out of this appointment and after doing a little research, I have come up with a list of questions that I am hoping to have answered. In no particular order:

• How long after removal of my implant is it possible to fall pregnant?
• What effect will the painkillers I have been taking have on a baby?
• Do I need to consider alternative pain management while trying to conceive or when pregnant?
• How long should we ‘try’ before scheduling another appointment?
• What prenatal vitamins does she recommend? When should I begin taking them?
• What can hubby do to help? (e.g. vitamins of his own, etc)
• Am I at risk for any problems? Do I need to take any specific precautions?
• How can I safely continue weightloss? (diet, exercise, etc)
• Are all my immunisations up to date? If not, what do I need and when? Will this mean we have to wait before trying to conceive?
• Are there any health problems or conditions I should take care of before trying to conceive?
• What effect could my back injury have on trying to conceive or during pregnancy?
• Given my back injury, what impact might being pregnant have on my ability to continue working?
• What can hubby and I do to increase the chances of getting pregnant?

I have been reading a lot about women who didn’t have a pre-conception appointment for a variety of reasons. If you did, what types of questions did you ask? Did the doctor’s information regarding age associated risks put you at ease, or have the opposite effect? What questions do you wish you had asked that you didn’t?

Today, I Want A Baby

Yes, today I have decided that I really want a baby. In fact, I’d quite like one right now. I can imagine the holding, the feeding, the singing, the reading, the playing... the cleaning, the lack of sleep and all the rest. I also know that this is the third or fourth time in the last few weeks that I have changed my mind! I don’t want this decision to be based on circumstance, or even taken away from us by biology. Most of the time, my thinking goes like this:

I should have a baby now because...

·      I am getting older and the chance of complications is increasing

·      I don’t want to be too old to play with my kids

·      I am ‘ready’ to be a mum (whatever that means!)

·      I want someone to read to, play with, nurture and teach

·      I love my husband and want to have his child (corny?)

But then there are reasons I feel I should either wait, or reconsider all together:

·      I am the higher wage earner and hubby is NOT stay at home dad material

·      We would like to have our own house first and that is still about 12 months away

·      We have a few issues in our relationship that I think we should sort out first

·      There are some habits (such as smoking) that I don’t want hubs to pass on to a child

·      Hubby’s concerns about raising a family are based on his own experience, I feel like I would have to teach him how to be a dad as well as learn how to be a mum

·      Due to the higher risk of complications at my age, is it worth taking the risk

·      How would I cope if something did go wrong

It’s enough to drive a person crazy!

Our current ‘plan’ is to get a house first, then reassess the situation.  That means in theory I have about 12 months from now. I have a contraceptive implant due to come out mid 2015 that is the final deadline we have set ourselves. At that stage, I will be 37, closer to 38, and that’s before we even start trying.

On the other hand, conversation lately has been about me having the implant taken out this May.  This is why we have scheduled our pre-conception appointment for this Friday, just to find out exactly what we might be getting ourselves in for. It also means we have a few months to sort things out such as diet and vitamins, and hopefully having hubby stop smoking.

If it takes us a while to conceive, as is more likely at my age, then we still may have the house first. Alternatively, I could fall pregnant right away. Then what? It’s just another thing to add to the growing list of great unknowns regarding pregnancy and children.

How did you decide that they time was right to start trying to conceive? Do you wish you had started earlier or later?

Why do you even WANT a baby?

I am really hoping to get some feedback here. My hubby asks me this question every now and then and sometimes I find that I can’t answer him. “I just do,” isn’t really an acceptable answer.

Last night, the conversation got quite intense. He thinks that the fact I want a baby means I am unhappy with our life together, that he is not enough for me, that I need someone else to complete my life. That without a child I feel as though we are not a real family. I asked him if he thought he met every need I have, he said no. I asked him if he thought he should be able to fill all of my needs, he wasn't sure, but he seemed to think that if he was a 'good' husband, that he should be able to do this. 

I asked him if he thought I fulfilled all his needs, purposely asking about the things that he prefers to do with other men rather than me (watching football, talking about football, and so on). I found his answer interesting. He likes doing those things with others, but needs to do them with me too. If I do something else while he is watching football, even if I am sitting next to him reading, he feels like I am not giving him the attention I should. I think one book I read referred to this as "Recreational Intimacy."

He voiced the thought that if we don't have a baby, by choice or through fertility issues, that he doesn't think he alone would be enough to make me happy and that I would end up resentful, unhappy and depressed for the rest of my life.

It was quite hard to explain to him that the love I have for him is different to the need I have for a baby and the love I would have for that child. I don't think I managed to express it in a way he understood - to him, love is love.

He often talks of 'giving' me a baby and I think that is part of it. I feel as though bearing his child is the greatest gift I could give him. He sees it as something I am doing for myself. In some ways it is a little selfish of me, I want my life to be worth more than the things I have, I want the value or quality of my life to be measured by the people I love and the love they have for me.

For those of you that have children, why did you want them? Now that you have them, has that want been fulfilled? How would you answer this question?

Why Haven't You Had A Baby Yet?

After being married for almost four years, I am used to hearing this question. I have heard it from my mum, my grandmother, friends and co-workers. The one person I didn't expect to hear it from was my hubby.

During a recent 4 hour road trip we started talking about babies, this seems to happen a lot lately! A lot of the pressure we are feeling at the moment comes from the fact that we met later in life, so while our much younger cousins are getting engaged any buying their first homes, we are still living in a rented home. Added to this, we have only been living in Australia for two years, so still settling in to some extent. A lot of our savings were used on Visas and relocation, first mine to the UK then hubby's to Australia. So we feel a little behind in this respect.

When we first started talking about family, we always said that we would buy a house first, to have our family settled. I would guess this comes from being raised in families who moved quite a lot. Recently my Doctor keeps referring back to this, saying, "You can buy a house at any age, but the same can't be said for starting a family." So my age is adding further pressure.

It is becoming more obvious to us that I really want a baby, and soon because of my age, but that hubby is worried about the long term consequences of 'rushing' the decision. During our road trip, having gone over all these factors again, he blurted out in frustration, "Why haven't you had a baby yet?"

I was a little shocked and asked him what he meant, should I have tricked him into it before now? But no, he wanted to know why I hadn't had a baby in my 20s like everyone else? That got me again! I was single then, I didn't want to do that on my own, and it wasn't a priority. Hubby was at pains to point out that a lot of the people we know having babies in their 20s are single, so how was that different? I was a little hurt that he would even suggest something like that, as if he didn't know my values or morals at all.

I guess it was an overreaction to an emotional conversation, but I followed it through. If I had already had a baby, with someone else, we probably wouldn't have met and married. If I had a baby as a single mother, he wouldn't have been interested in dating me, let alone marrying me! 

Have you ever faced this question from someone you didn't expect? How do you answer the question from well-meaning friends or relations when it gets too much?

The Baby Question

I’m feeling clucky. My very best and dearest friend has just had her first baby. He’s absolutely adorable. It might seem strange to some being this late in my life, but this is the first time that someone I truly love has had a baby. All of my school friends live far away and most of the friends I have now are more the ‘professional’ than the ‘family’ type. We are all in our 30s (some of us closer to 40) and until now, none of us have had children.

Career hasn't been the only thing holding us back. For some it’s finding the right person to make a family with, for others it has been illness and disease and for some the timing just isn’t right.

I never really thought about having children as I was growing up. I mean, I never gave it any thought; it was just something that I assumed everyone did once they got married. So I thought I would have a family, and I imagined it would be about the size of my own (2 parents and 4 kids) and that was that. Then life intervened. Yes, I went ‘off the rails’ a little in my late teens so my mum put a ban on boyfriends. I wasn’t so far off the rails as to disobey her so from 16 until 24 I never really had a proper relationship.

 Following that I was finished university and starting a career and in the middle of all of that getting to know more about these things called ‘men.’ I had one to go home to every night, I had shared a house with my brother since I started university, and he drove me mad. The mess, the smell... the mess! But we had a great friendship and to this day I know that he is the one person, besides my husband, that I can rely on. The men I was meeting were interesting and many of them had firm views on family so I started to think more about my own goals and what I wanted from family life.  Then I met my husband.

At first he was firmly in the no children camp. I spelled out quite clearly to him that I was in no way that sure. And he was happy enough with that, as long as we kept the conversation open, i.e. he didn’t want to be ‘tricked’ into anything! Not long after being married we had a pregnancy ‘scare’ but the tests came back negative. We realised then that we both somehow or someway wanted a family, but definitely not then! He is a very serious and thoughtful man, many of the reasons he is unsure about having children come from worry over all the things that might go wrong. I am also being really careful to be sure that it IS that I want a family and not just that I am worried about time running out!

So this blog will track our thoughts and the process we go through as this journey reaches some sort of destination. I would love to hear from any other women in their late 30s or beyond who are considering starting a family. Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences.