Pregnancy, Childbirth and Superstition

My last post, regarding buying for a baby you have yet to conceive, was by far my most viewed so far. The thread I started on Essential Baby asking if others had done the same received more replies than any other thread I have started - and not all of them positive.

Of course, posting for feedback on a public forum is not about having people agree with you; I was genuinely interested to find out if others buy for baby when trying to conceive, and if not, why not.

The thing I was amazed to find was just how many women, who would normally claim to be sane and rational (I guess!), were writing about not wanting to jinx their yet-to-be child, or covering or hiding items that they had bought.

While there are obviously some things you could surround yourself with that would jeopardise your chances of conceiving, I'm thinking chemical cleaners, chain smokers and the like, I find it hard to believe that buying that adorable onesie you see, buying a beloved children's book and so on could possibly have any impact on whether you do, or do not, end up with a baby in your arms.

I suppose part of the reason is that there is still something so awe inspiring about the act of creating new life. Even though we now scientifically understand how the process occurs, there are still so many unknowns, so many outcomes that science and medicine cannot predict or alter, that there is still an air of mystery surrounding conception and pregnancy.

I know there are far more practical reasons people choose to abstain from buying, mostly based on previous painful experiences or miscarriage, stillbirth or years of inability to conceive and these I feel are entirely justified. I am sure that if hubby and I are still TTC in another 2 or 3 years, let alone the 10 or more some EB posters wrote about, that I will feel much differently towards the little box of baby treasures than I do now.

But the sense I got from most comments was the fear that buying too many baby things before there is a baby to buy for is inviting trouble, that it almost guarantees failure. Even posters who had been given items from family members seemed to feel almost guilty about having them, pointing out that the items were in a spare room, still in their boxes or hidden out in a shed somewhere.

I have to say, if I had been any younger, some of these responses would have terrified me. I was almost made to feel that I was arrogant for presuming that I would ever have a 'take home baby' as though this is a blessing bestowed on a rare few, rather than the most natural thing a woman can hope for. I was given the impression that by buying these things I was likely to have years of TTC failure ahead of me, but that if maybe I hadn't bought them, things would be different. As it is, I am old enough to know better.

I was really intrigued by the insight into the way other women think and feel when trying to conceive and am thankful for people sharing. I will continue to ask questions and learn from the experience of those who have gone down the road to motherhood before me, and to share the TTC journey with those who are also following that path.

I am sure that I will be buying more, you'll probably see the evidence posted here, and I prefer to view this from the complete opposite perspective. One of the best ways to boost my chances of having that baby in my arms to to remain positive, as stress free as I can, and buying these things - for now at least - makes me feel wonderfully warm inside and full of amazement at the journey hubby and I are embarking on =]

We Have A Go!

After two weeks of worrying myself sick about my blood test results, we finally went in for our appointment on Friday. It was pretty intense as I also had my final Work Cover appointment to give me the all clear for returning to full time work and hubby had an appointment to discuss recent xrays he had.

By the time we finally got to our 'baby appointment' I'd almost forgotten how nervous I was! Our doctor was happy to see that hubby had come along for support, she told him that's a good sign for what's to come. I thought she meant my results, turns out she meant in the future, my heart rate shot through the roof!

So, in the end, almost everything was fine. I was worried mostly about Rubella (being ages since I was immunised), blood sugar (diabetes in the family), and possibly cholesterol - all perfect. The things is, and doc reinforced this, that although I am carrying extra weight, this is mostly due to my back injury and not necessarily poor diet, so my results reinforced this. I have also lost another 2kg over Christmas, which is a huge plus. Liver function showed one raised enzyme, no problem she said as long as it's not two or more, and the only other problems were low Vitamin D (take a pill each day, along with my pregnancy vitamin) and low Hep B. I went and had the booster right away and they said two weeks wait before TTC, but preferably 4 weeks to be sure.

With all this news in hand, we returned to the reception desk and booked in to have my BC implant removed - February 28th! Amazing. Seems so soon!

Stay tuned for more as our journey continues =]

Who Do You Tell?

I had my mum around for an hour or so yesterday while dad and brother were playing cars outside. We were happily chatting away and then her behaviour suddenly changed.  Having already talked about my back, how it was improving etc, she suddenly asked me, "So, are you really feeling ok?" and I causally answered yes, everything was fine, and then she just kept repeating, "I'm so happy, I'm really happy, that's great, I'm so happy..." I just looked at her blankly for a moment before everything clicked.

She must have noticed the conception vitamins sitting on top of the fridge. She thinks I am pregnant. Or maybe my sister, who was here earlier in the week, saw and she blabbed to mum. Or maybe she hadn't and she was just being weird (she does that occasionally, like all mothers!).

I totally was not ready to start talking to my mum about trying to start a family. All I could say to her was something like, "I'm ok, everything is going well, but there's nothing to be THAT happy about!"

"Ever?" she asked.

"Well, maybe not never, but definitely not now."

And the conversation moved on. But it got me thinking. When is a good time to tell those close to you that you are trying? I feel like I want to wait until after the blood test results, after any follow ups, basically wait until I'm off birth control and we actually are trying. Is that strange?

I know there are some people who don't tell until they are actually pregnant, but I feel like I need that support around me, especially if things don't go so well. I don't want hubby to have to be the only one to carry that burden with me because no one else knew about it.

So I'm just wondering, did you tell? Who did you tell? When did you tell them? If you didn't, are you glad of that?

I know hubby and I have to make the choices that are best for us, but I would love to know how others have approached this.

The Name Game

One of the things I have read over and over about pregnancy and parenthood is that it can be really difficult for the father to really connect with the whole concept.

I have been making a huge effort over the last week or so to have little informal 'baby' conversations. usually they are prompted by something hubbys is watching (he loves his documentaries) so it is easy for me to say, "What would you do/think/say if one of our children did that?" and it gets us started.

We have talked about presents, Christmas traditions, bedtime routines, manners, religion... all sorts of things and I have a few posts planned about some of these.

Over the weekend, we started talking about names. We have quite a few criteria that we agree on, which is a good start! We both want something relatively traditional, but not necessarily common. We want 'normal' spelling! And, apparently, all we can think of are boys names...

I really like hubby's middle name, which also happens to be his dad's name. I'd love to use this name for our child, but don't want to upset my family if they feel we are favouring hubby's side. It's a name I have always liked, so not sure if I should hold on to it given the situation. I even posted about this topic on the Essential Baby forum, here.

Out of the blue, hubby also mentioned he liked the name Aaron, which I do quite like, but I can see my brother laughing about forever, as he maintains to this day that I had a secret crush on a school friend of his with this name.

Hubby had a very close relationship with his grandfather, being almost raised with him as the main male influence, and has a super old fashioned name. I like it for the meaning it has to him and hadn't thought of it in any other way till I did a google search for the name and this appeared!

Not sure I can face the thought of putting my child through the torment of being called "Ducky" or anything like that! Disappointing though, as "Don" is also part of the special code hubby and I developed to talk about ourselves after we got engaged. Maybe as a middle name it's not so bad?

The other trouble I have when it comes to names is being a teacher. There are so many students I have taught in the past that I have destroyed my ability to ever think of anyone but then when I hear certain names.

And girls' names? Well, I have no idea where to start!

A Nervy Wait...

If all of this goes according to plan, this wont be the last time I am nervously waiting for test results! I suppose I should get used to it.

Had my pre-pregnancy blood/urine tests yesterday. I was surprised by how much blood they had to take for all the tests. I had no idea there was a urine test to go with it so I had to drop that back later in the day. So now I have to wait 3-4 days for the results. Hubby wants to go with me and so that means waiting till next Friday.

I'm suddenly really worried about all the things that they might find with these tests, I even had a moment of panic last night thinking they would tell me I had cancer. This then widened to a fear that I would find out about something, anything, that would mean I can have children at all.

I mentioned to hubby that I was a bit worried about all this and he said, "I don't think you have given this enough thought. If you are worrying now, what are you going to be like when there is an actual baby to worry about?"

So yes, this could very well be the beginning of a lifetime of worry! Am doing school work to keep myself occupied, and the heat (it's 36 here at 11am in the morning, heading for 43) is certainly giving me something else to think about!

What do you do to keep your mind occupied while waiting for test results, or to stop you worrying in general?

The Next Step

Our pre-conception appointment on Friday went pretty well. I was a little worried at first at how hubby was going to be, an appointment like this makes everything seem a little more 'real' but he was fine and jumped right in with the questions.

Before anything else, here is what my doctor had to say in response to our prepared questions:

How long after removal of my implant is it possible to fall pregnant? Same day! So we need to consider this carefully.

What effect will the painkillers I have been taking have on a baby? Not good, so I need to stay off them and stick with the TENS machine. If this doesn't work, we'll need to re-consider what treatment I am receiving. 

Do I need to consider alternative pain management while trying to conceive or when pregnant? As above.

How long should we ‘try’ before scheduling another appointment? Didn't really get into this, at this stage she sees no reason to worry about this.

What prenatal vitamins does she recommend? When should I begin taking them? I'll be seeing her again next week after my blood test results come back and we'll talk about this then.

What can hubby do to help? (e.g. vitamins of his own, etc) Stop smoking and stress less, best advice she could give at the moment =]

Am I at risk for any problems? Do I need to take any specific precautions? I was told the the two biggest risks to me are gestational diabetes and high blood pressure, which may or may not go away after the pregnancy. For the baby, the said the risks are not so high at this point that I should be concerned.

How can I safely continue weightloss? (diet, exercise, etc) Stick with what I am doing now and we will re-assess if/when we are successful. This was reassuring, she also mentioned that there are some women who actually lose weight during pregnancy (not counting on that!) and that it was important not to 'eat for two.'

Are all my immunisations up to date? If not, what do I need and when? Will this mean we have to wait before trying to conceive? I am having a full blood test on Monday to answer these questions and then we will go from there.

Are there any health problems or conditions I should take care of before trying to conceive? Again, blood tests should indicate any concerns here.

What effect could my back injury have on trying to conceive or during pregnancy? Possible, but at this stage not likely to cause any issues.

Given my back injury, what impact might being pregnant have on my ability to continue working? Possible, but at this stage not likely to cause any issues.

What can hubby and I do to increase the chances of getting pregnant? Didn't get to this, but will be asking when tests are back.

Overall, the appointment was really positive. I felt at the time that she didn't take my worries about the effects of my age seriously, but she was trying to point out to me that with medical care as it is these days, there is no reason that things shouldn't go well for us.

It was really good to be able to voice some of our deepest fears (problems for me, for baby, not being able to conceive, etc) and to have them answered in a sensible, logical way.

The plan now is this. I have a full blood test Monday, results by end of the week. At that appointment, we discuss anything that has shown up in the results. If all is good, I start taking my vitamins and book in to have my implant removed and we get on with it. If not, we address each thing as it needs to be.

Needless to say, hubby and I have had a LOT of interesting conversations over the last few days. Stay tuned for more!

Pre-conception Appointment Checklist

Hubby and I are scheduled for a pre-conception appointment this Friday. After talking about making babies for so long, this seems like the first momentous step in that direction! Needless to say we are both feeling a little nervous.

Most of my issues centre around my age and the fact that I am still trying to lose weight. The diet my doctor currently has me on is fairly restrictive and very low carb, so I think that may have to change. I don't smoke, never have, I don't use recreational drugs and I only drink once a month or so, easy to cut out. As for hubby, he is slightly underweight due to work demands and he smokes. Not a lot, but enough to be a concern to me for his own sake, let alone our chances of conception and whatever impact it may have on our unborn child.

I really want to get the most out of this appointment and after doing a little research, I have come up with a list of questions that I am hoping to have answered. In no particular order:

• How long after removal of my implant is it possible to fall pregnant?
• What effect will the painkillers I have been taking have on a baby?
• Do I need to consider alternative pain management while trying to conceive or when pregnant?
• How long should we ‘try’ before scheduling another appointment?
• What prenatal vitamins does she recommend? When should I begin taking them?
• What can hubby do to help? (e.g. vitamins of his own, etc)
• Am I at risk for any problems? Do I need to take any specific precautions?
• How can I safely continue weightloss? (diet, exercise, etc)
• Are all my immunisations up to date? If not, what do I need and when? Will this mean we have to wait before trying to conceive?
• Are there any health problems or conditions I should take care of before trying to conceive?
• What effect could my back injury have on trying to conceive or during pregnancy?
• Given my back injury, what impact might being pregnant have on my ability to continue working?
• What can hubby and I do to increase the chances of getting pregnant?

I have been reading a lot about women who didn’t have a pre-conception appointment for a variety of reasons. If you did, what types of questions did you ask? Did the doctor’s information regarding age associated risks put you at ease, or have the opposite effect? What questions do you wish you had asked that you didn’t?

Today, I Want A Baby

Yes, today I have decided that I really want a baby. In fact, I’d quite like one right now. I can imagine the holding, the feeding, the singing, the reading, the playing... the cleaning, the lack of sleep and all the rest. I also know that this is the third or fourth time in the last few weeks that I have changed my mind! I don’t want this decision to be based on circumstance, or even taken away from us by biology. Most of the time, my thinking goes like this:

I should have a baby now because...

·      I am getting older and the chance of complications is increasing

·      I don’t want to be too old to play with my kids

·      I am ‘ready’ to be a mum (whatever that means!)

·      I want someone to read to, play with, nurture and teach

·      I love my husband and want to have his child (corny?)

But then there are reasons I feel I should either wait, or reconsider all together:

·      I am the higher wage earner and hubby is NOT stay at home dad material

·      We would like to have our own house first and that is still about 12 months away

·      We have a few issues in our relationship that I think we should sort out first

·      There are some habits (such as smoking) that I don’t want hubs to pass on to a child

·      Hubby’s concerns about raising a family are based on his own experience, I feel like I would have to teach him how to be a dad as well as learn how to be a mum

·      Due to the higher risk of complications at my age, is it worth taking the risk

·      How would I cope if something did go wrong

It’s enough to drive a person crazy!

Our current ‘plan’ is to get a house first, then reassess the situation.  That means in theory I have about 12 months from now. I have a contraceptive implant due to come out mid 2015 that is the final deadline we have set ourselves. At that stage, I will be 37, closer to 38, and that’s before we even start trying.

On the other hand, conversation lately has been about me having the implant taken out this May.  This is why we have scheduled our pre-conception appointment for this Friday, just to find out exactly what we might be getting ourselves in for. It also means we have a few months to sort things out such as diet and vitamins, and hopefully having hubby stop smoking.

If it takes us a while to conceive, as is more likely at my age, then we still may have the house first. Alternatively, I could fall pregnant right away. Then what? It’s just another thing to add to the growing list of great unknowns regarding pregnancy and children.

How did you decide that they time was right to start trying to conceive? Do you wish you had started earlier or later?

Why do you even WANT a baby?

I am really hoping to get some feedback here. My hubby asks me this question every now and then and sometimes I find that I can’t answer him. “I just do,” isn’t really an acceptable answer.

Last night, the conversation got quite intense. He thinks that the fact I want a baby means I am unhappy with our life together, that he is not enough for me, that I need someone else to complete my life. That without a child I feel as though we are not a real family. I asked him if he thought he met every need I have, he said no. I asked him if he thought he should be able to fill all of my needs, he wasn't sure, but he seemed to think that if he was a 'good' husband, that he should be able to do this. 

I asked him if he thought I fulfilled all his needs, purposely asking about the things that he prefers to do with other men rather than me (watching football, talking about football, and so on). I found his answer interesting. He likes doing those things with others, but needs to do them with me too. If I do something else while he is watching football, even if I am sitting next to him reading, he feels like I am not giving him the attention I should. I think one book I read referred to this as "Recreational Intimacy."

He voiced the thought that if we don't have a baby, by choice or through fertility issues, that he doesn't think he alone would be enough to make me happy and that I would end up resentful, unhappy and depressed for the rest of my life.

It was quite hard to explain to him that the love I have for him is different to the need I have for a baby and the love I would have for that child. I don't think I managed to express it in a way he understood - to him, love is love.

He often talks of 'giving' me a baby and I think that is part of it. I feel as though bearing his child is the greatest gift I could give him. He sees it as something I am doing for myself. In some ways it is a little selfish of me, I want my life to be worth more than the things I have, I want the value or quality of my life to be measured by the people I love and the love they have for me.

For those of you that have children, why did you want them? Now that you have them, has that want been fulfilled? How would you answer this question?

Why Haven't You Had A Baby Yet?

After being married for almost four years, I am used to hearing this question. I have heard it from my mum, my grandmother, friends and co-workers. The one person I didn't expect to hear it from was my hubby.

During a recent 4 hour road trip we started talking about babies, this seems to happen a lot lately! A lot of the pressure we are feeling at the moment comes from the fact that we met later in life, so while our much younger cousins are getting engaged any buying their first homes, we are still living in a rented home. Added to this, we have only been living in Australia for two years, so still settling in to some extent. A lot of our savings were used on Visas and relocation, first mine to the UK then hubby's to Australia. So we feel a little behind in this respect.

When we first started talking about family, we always said that we would buy a house first, to have our family settled. I would guess this comes from being raised in families who moved quite a lot. Recently my Doctor keeps referring back to this, saying, "You can buy a house at any age, but the same can't be said for starting a family." So my age is adding further pressure.

It is becoming more obvious to us that I really want a baby, and soon because of my age, but that hubby is worried about the long term consequences of 'rushing' the decision. During our road trip, having gone over all these factors again, he blurted out in frustration, "Why haven't you had a baby yet?"

I was a little shocked and asked him what he meant, should I have tricked him into it before now? But no, he wanted to know why I hadn't had a baby in my 20s like everyone else? That got me again! I was single then, I didn't want to do that on my own, and it wasn't a priority. Hubby was at pains to point out that a lot of the people we know having babies in their 20s are single, so how was that different? I was a little hurt that he would even suggest something like that, as if he didn't know my values or morals at all.

I guess it was an overreaction to an emotional conversation, but I followed it through. If I had already had a baby, with someone else, we probably wouldn't have met and married. If I had a baby as a single mother, he wouldn't have been interested in dating me, let alone marrying me! 

Have you ever faced this question from someone you didn't expect? How do you answer the question from well-meaning friends or relations when it gets too much?

Pre-Conception Appointment Booked!

I have a very good relationship with my Doctor.  I have been in her care for the past 10 years and she has seen me through the usual health issues, for example catching every cough and sneeze from my students in the first few years of teaching before building up my ‘teachers’ immunity.” She has also helped me through depression and working on weight loss. Most recently, I have spent the past 15 months recovering from a double disc injury I received while on school camp last year. I was off work completely for 3 months, then returned to work part time for 11 months and have just returned to full time work at the end of the school year.

All my back injury has done is add another item to the “Cons” side of starting a family. I have no idea if my back will ever get any better than it is now, and no way of saying what impact a pregnancy may have. With all this in mind, my Doctor has been constantly urging, for the past 4 months or so, for hubby and I to come in for a pre-conception appointment. I mentioned this to hubby at the time, and he was more than happy to put it off until ‘later.’

Today, I took the plunge and made the appointment. I am looking forward to hubby’s reaction when he gets home! This will make it all seem very real, but I think to have the information now will give us time to consider any changes that need to be made before we really start trying. It is clear though that we need professional input to help us make this decision and as my Doctor keeps saying, “You can buy a house at any age, but the same can’t be said for starting a family.”

I have done a little research into this as I have no idea what to expect from such an appointment and I don’t want to waste the opportunity. I think it is important to know all the risks associated with becoming pregnant at this age, I will be closer to 36 before we start trying to conceive. At the same time, I don’t want to become so stressed about everything that can go wrong that it puts us off completely. Hubby is very risk-averse and would rather not do something if there is a chance of things going wrong, as opposed to my general approach to life which is take the leap and then deal with the consequences! I’m also concerned about the fact that I have been on pretty strong painkillers for such a long time and what residual effect this might have. Also what pain relief options I would have once becoming pregnant.

At the moment the biggest worry I have is that following our appointment I will want to get started right away! I have a week to wait until the appointment. Wish me luck!

Did you have schedule a pre-conception appointment? What types of factors did your doctor discuss? Were you discouraged from starting a family after 35?

The Baby Question

I’m feeling clucky. My very best and dearest friend has just had her first baby. He’s absolutely adorable. It might seem strange to some being this late in my life, but this is the first time that someone I truly love has had a baby. All of my school friends live far away and most of the friends I have now are more the ‘professional’ than the ‘family’ type. We are all in our 30s (some of us closer to 40) and until now, none of us have had children.

Career hasn't been the only thing holding us back. For some it’s finding the right person to make a family with, for others it has been illness and disease and for some the timing just isn’t right.

I never really thought about having children as I was growing up. I mean, I never gave it any thought; it was just something that I assumed everyone did once they got married. So I thought I would have a family, and I imagined it would be about the size of my own (2 parents and 4 kids) and that was that. Then life intervened. Yes, I went ‘off the rails’ a little in my late teens so my mum put a ban on boyfriends. I wasn’t so far off the rails as to disobey her so from 16 until 24 I never really had a proper relationship.

 Following that I was finished university and starting a career and in the middle of all of that getting to know more about these things called ‘men.’ I had one to go home to every night, I had shared a house with my brother since I started university, and he drove me mad. The mess, the smell... the mess! But we had a great friendship and to this day I know that he is the one person, besides my husband, that I can rely on. The men I was meeting were interesting and many of them had firm views on family so I started to think more about my own goals and what I wanted from family life.  Then I met my husband.

At first he was firmly in the no children camp. I spelled out quite clearly to him that I was in no way that sure. And he was happy enough with that, as long as we kept the conversation open, i.e. he didn’t want to be ‘tricked’ into anything! Not long after being married we had a pregnancy ‘scare’ but the tests came back negative. We realised then that we both somehow or someway wanted a family, but definitely not then! He is a very serious and thoughtful man, many of the reasons he is unsure about having children come from worry over all the things that might go wrong. I am also being really careful to be sure that it IS that I want a family and not just that I am worried about time running out!

So this blog will track our thoughts and the process we go through as this journey reaches some sort of destination. I would love to hear from any other women in their late 30s or beyond who are considering starting a family. Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences.