Beginning again, again

Hubby and I take a lot of these silhouette photos when we travel. He's a little shy of having his photo taken, so this was our compromise. We took one just before our first miscarriage and when I look at it, it seems fitting somehow. We are still here, but in a sense we are just shadows of what we were before. We're working hard at getting back to their light, but at the same time, I don't think the light will ever shine quite that brightly again.

Physically things seem to be going well since the miscarriage. I have keyed up the Ovia fertility app again and it is stubbornly telling me that we are right in the middle of my fertile window although I haven't felt that tell tale ovulation pain at this point. I am not really expecting anything, we have mostly decided to at least wait until my first period before trying again.

I was told again that we get to have fun trying again. It's just not fun. The first two times we dtd after our most recent loss I cried. Before, during and after. They say sex is all in the head for women (not that I agree) but in this case all I could think of was that there should still be a baby in there and then we wouldn't be 'trying' at all. And I cried for our baby, our loss, our grief, my husband and myself. Then I cried because I was crying and... well, it goes on.

The grief is almost unbearable at times.  I look at my beautiful husband, a father with no children to hold and my heart just feels so bruised, so shattered. I can feel for him, he's such a part of me and I want to protect him. What I can't deal with is being told that I have to make other people feel better. I keep being reminded that other people are sad about our loss and I should be trying to make them feel better. I just can't. I can't pick up the phone to comfort someone how hasn't even sent a message to see how were doing.

So, the days are moving past and we are trying to begin again. Nothing will change what has happened in the past or the hole in our hearts and lives where our babies should be, but we can try to look to the future and remind ourselves that next time, just maybe, things will be different.

S.M.E.P. - Take one! Action!

After everything that has happened the last 12 months, I decided that something had to change. When I looked back over my apps, it was clear that there had only been 4 months in that time that we technically tried at the right time. The first few months were hit and miss while I came came off Implanon and wondered what my cycle would do. The next saw the pressure starting to build for hubby and just not being able to dtd at the right time. Then the first early loss (I'm trying to avoid using the term Chemical Pregnancy ever again) then a missed chance, then the miscarriage, then not trying... A woman on one of the forums wrote that her husband tried to console her by saying that they hadn't really been trying, that's how I feel. All this time has passed, but we've never got it right.

After reading and hearing all about the SMEP I decided to look into it. I've pretty much worked out that I usually get a positive opk on cd16, so the plan was to dtd on cd10, cd12, cd14, cd16/17 and then cd19. That's heaps for us. In fact, if we stuck to that it would be more in 9 days than in the whole time since the miscarriage. I was sceptical, so I asked hubby what he thought. He assured me that it had reached the point where he would do whatever it takes, although he did also admit some worry that we could 'do all that' and it still wouldn't work, so what was the point? I was still sceptical.

We managed cd10, 12 and 14. CD16 I was refused in favour of late night football, with assurances of a 'double shot' on cd17 (yeah, right!), and cd17 saw us make a start, but not finish in the end. Only the second time that has happened. I tried to play it off, but hubby is feeling so guilty about it. So much so that the back up day on cd19 was totally out of the question.

The other part of this plan is the Robitussin. I did a lot of reading about this before starting as I am really trying to limit the number of drugs in my system after being on heavy duty pain killers for 18 months prior to TTC. The active ingredient works on all mucus membranes in the body, therefore "loosening" CM as well. This can only be a good thing, right?! Unfortunately, it doesn't actually help you create more CM, that comes down entirely to how well hydrated you are and the effects of any other drugs in your system, such as Clomid. So here's the thing. To take OPKs, especially twice a day as recommended. you have to limit your intake of liquid. But to have great CM, you need to maintain/increase your intake. I am sure people can not drink much for 8 hours a day (assuming a four hour hold each test) and still get in their 2litres, but it makes more sense to me to stay hydrated throughout the day to keep the process running! Also, a couple of 35 degree plus days meant that there was no way I was not drinking anything for that long!

So, I took the Robitussin and I drank lots and I noticed a big difference in the amount of CM. So that's one positive.

I really feel our timing was all wrong again but am holding on to a sliver of hope because our cd14 effort was very late at night, technically almost cd15. There's a chance some of those little swimmers hung around long enough for one of them to meet that egg. But I am not testing. Hubby has the day off the day after AF is due, so if she's a no show then we might go out and buy a test. For now I am 3dpo and we just wait. Again.

Getting our priorities straight

AF has come and gone. Another month of has begun.

I'm starting to get really anxious about TTC - how long 'til we fall again, will everything be ok, what to do about work, is hubby in the right frame of mind, is this really best for our marriage... it just goes on.

Everything in our life says now is not the right time for a baby. We're both in a pretty bad way health and emotional wise, hubby's meds make him even less in the mood than before, work is getting too big for both of us, family issues, we're still trying to get the house sorted... but at the same time, there's ALWAYS going to be a reason not to get this going. I feel like the reason we are having these troubles is because we have waited too long. And not just because of my age.

And now, with Christmas coming, I'm feeling this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I'd thought I'd be 16 weeks pg by Christmas. I'd even started thinking about cute Christmas baby bump photos. I loved the idea of having that special time with family to look forward to next year being so much better for all of us than this one. Now I don't even want to put up my tree when the time comes because I won't be taking those photos and instead people will be awkwardly avoiding the subject of my miscarriage.

Work is a whole other issue. I'm off for the rest of the year on long service leave and really trying to get myself right after the miscarriage. I'd asked for, and honestly expected to be granted, a time reduction at work. But I was refused flat out. So now not only am I facing full time work at a job my doctor told me to quit, but also the thought that if we don't fall again, or if I do and I miscarry, that it'll be my fault for not cutting back like I was told. I'm also looking for another teaching position, but at this time of year it can be a bit tricky.

In the meantime, I just hide in my spare room, not thinking that it's supposed to be a nursery, and surround myself with a million craft projects to keep me occupied.

My next fertile window is less than 4 days away... I have NO idea what to do.

OPKs

This is my second cycle using OPKs. The girls on the EB TTC#1 forum were super helpful with all my questions last time. I was wondering about how long I should be 'holding it in' the other day, as my bladder was screaming for release so decided to test my Dr Google theory. it wasn't good. The results ranged from 4 hours to 2 hours to don't hold it and just test whenever you need to pee. So I decided to investigate a little further - when was the best time to test?
 - My Dr says use FMU because hormones are most concentrated
 - My Dr says never use FMU because LH (the hormone measured by OPKs) is only synthesised in the day
 - Before 12 pm
 - Before 4 pm
 - Between 8 and 10pm
By far the best answer was, test when the instructions on the pack tell you to. Only problem is with buying all these cheapies off the internet, they don't always come with instructions.

I also found out thanks to the EB girls that it is possible to miss the LH surge and therefore never get a true positive. Last month I got a pretty clear positive result on CD 16, this time, not so much. For interests sake, here are my OPKs from this cycle.

From this it's clear that I never got a true positive. It's also clear that this photo is of old tests and that you're not supposed to count the results after 10 minutes. However, I would assume that CD17 shows the strongest result, very closely followed by CD18. I'm happy, for my own purposes, to count CD17 as my positive. I haven't had any tests yet to confirm that I actually ovulate and I am not prepared to start testing more than once a day as I have seen recommended by some.

With this in mind, I tried a different tack with hubby this cycle. I didn't tell him a thing. I was counting on my positive being CD16 as I think is usual for me, and we dtd on CD13 and CD16. When I saw my OPKs, I mentioned to hubby that I wasn't going to tell him anything more than to make a choice - we dtd either Saturday, Sunday or Monday, which I knew would be CD17-19. I wasn't going to say anything else, I wasn't going to pressure him. I'd already asked him to be more proactive in the whole dtd business, baby making aside.

So it got to last night and nothing. I was super calm, I had expected this. I just asked to remind him of two things, he said he'd make more of an effort, and he'd promised one of those three days. To which he said, "Tomorrow then." I said yes, for sure (I'm not passing up an opportunity!) but reminded him that I had told him those days for a reason. He told me that he didn't think it made a difference and that there was always a chance no matter what the timing! We then had to have a quick refresher on the whole Great Sperm Race and what happens to the egg after ovulation.

I'm pretty sure that tonight will be a no-go anyway, and either way I think its too late to catch the egg this cycle. But looking back I think that we got a couple in on time, so maybe some of those little buggers have worked their magic. I guess only time will tell.

The future of baby making

Due almost entirely to my own experiences and those I have read about on TTC boards over the last 8 months or so, I am worried for the future of the human race. No, let me rephrase. I am worried for the future of those of us 'blessed' enough to live surrounded by technology.

What I am about to write may come across as biased, anti-male, or even anti-technology - I assure you that is not my intention. I am sure that there are just as many women out there who engage in these kinds of behaviours. I am only speaking, as I said at the beginning, from experience.

I have written before about frequency being a bit of an issue for us. There seem to be quite a few women in the same situation across all the TTC boards that I read. It seems that, for some of us at least, TTC isn't just a matter of OPKs and temp spikes, but of a constant cycle of persuasion and rejection.

A quick search about men with low drive and the impact on conception will yield lots of astounding theories. Does he really want a baby? Have you tried dressing up for him? Have you tried doing it how he wants? In amongst all this, there are a lot of results pointing to low testosterone levels, and I am still not convinced that this isn't true for us. All the signs or symptoms are there, but you can't force a grown man to ask the doctor, right? Along side this though, there are many behavioural patterns that I believe impact the whole area of intimacy, only to be brought to the fore when TTC.

Men who are too tired or stressed.

Men who are just not interested in sex.

Men who are not in the mood.

Men who feel pressure to perform.

Men who just need to reply to this email or complete that task for work.

Men who just need to reach the next save point or beat that lap time.

I have come across many women trying to cope with any number of these behaviours.. It was pretty eye opening to see the huge number of posts on one marriage board (not specifically regarding TTC, just sex in general) who said they were frequently turned down for sex in favour of video games or web browsing. This is where my worry kicks in. These men have only really had access to cheap personal computing for the last half of their lives, what about all the young boys born today who will have an ipad in their hands before they can even speak?

There's a whole lot of literature about the effect of the instant reward structure of many games and other electronic entertainment (gambling, videos, etc) and none of it is very encouraging. Worse still, as I mentioned earlier, it's about intimacy in general, not just sex. It's bad enough being continually turned away and rejected for sexual intimacy, but when this is backed up in every other area of life it can be demoralising. Not being able to go out for dinner because there's a new DLC level pack that's just been released. Being late to a party because the next save point was ages away. Having to leave a day out early because he hasn't had a chance to play all day and feels like the day will be wasted if he doesn't get in a few laps.

I am not saying that video games or technology are the root of all evil. I know that there are many who can moderate their use and technology enhances their lives rather than engulfing it. I know that there are many other factors at play.

I also think selfishness plays a big part. Every time I see someone saying they were rejected because their partner wasn't in the mood, it saddens me; I know exactly how it feels. Every day at work we do things we aren't 'in the mood' for because we know that's how relationships are built and maintained. But we seem to think that it's ok to tell our partner that their needs are less important? I have read more posts than I care to remember written by men who have said blatantly that they have rejected their partners' sexual advances because they found it easier to 'take care of themselves' than put up with the needs or desires of another person.

I know there is much more to all of this than simple "Video games bad. Sex good." If you and your partner struggle to be sexually intimate, especially while TTC, what is the issue that gets in your way? How have you tried to address it? I'd love to hear from others.

Superstition, predictions, horoscopes and more!

I really wasn't feeling up to posting anything this cycle, besides the stress from work at this time of year, family issues and more, our TTC journey hit another bump.

As a combination of all those factors, we only managed to dtd once during 'Baby Week' the day before I think I was due to O. I was just about ready to count myself out for this cycle, hubby just wasn't interested, and then out of nowhere...

So I was at school thinking about how that might change our chances for this month, would it change if I o'd later than I thought, etc. I was on duty at lunch time when one of my students rushed up to me, threw his arms around my tummy and shouted "Mrs Williams is pregnant!" I think he was just referring to the fact that he was hanging on to the front of my like a baby - but he has been known to say strangely accurate things in the past! He also asked me a couple of months ago if I had any children. When I said no, he said, "but you will this year." Strange!

It got me thinking that there was an outside chance for a 'one hit wonder' and all the stories I have heard, and read on TTC boards about people who have been told they were pregnant before they even knew it themselves.

I have written before about the superstitions surrounding TTC and pregnancy. That hasn't stopped me from eagerly reading every story like this I can find and even looking at the Chinese gender prediction calendars each month!

So what other stories of predicted pregnancies have you heard? Share in the comments!

What's a man to do?

Whether it is men or women, I really hate the generalising that goes on regarding the sexes.

I used to work with my hubby, and whenever I talk about it now, how much I miss it, women say to me, "How could you STAND it? I need my time at work to be away from him!" When we did work together, the girls there, and the women I now work with, consistently complain about their other half and their inability to do anything right. Or on time. Or to the required standard. My hubby is no angel, and there are plenty of things we disagree on or that I wish he would do differently - but I'm not going to whinge about it to a co worker!

When it comes to trying to conceive the generalisations start again. Women are 'baby obsessed' and men are supposedly happy about the regular sex as long as they don't have to know when or why.

I have had enough heartache in my life due to generalisations about men. I didn't marry one of those mythical creatures who want sex every minute of the day, who think about it every 7 seconds, or who put the sexual needs and pleasure of their partner first. It took me a long time to realise that it wasn't because something was wrong with me, or with him. It's just the way he is.

So when it came to TTC, I was really stuck. I knew that the increased frequency would be our first issue. It still is to some extent. I was, and still am, unsure about how much info to give him, and advice varies, but the general wisdom seems to be that the less they know about it the better.

I can't even comment on what it must be like for a sexually active man to think he has the green light for unlimited sex with his partner while TTC, only to be told that it has to be on this day at this time. I can relate to the woman who wishes for unlimited sex, knows that her chances are slim, and has to decide between just trying to get her partner in the mood - or telling him that being in the mood right now is really important! I can comment on the hubby who has little interest in sex, due to work, stress and other reasons, and sees it as perfectly acceptable to turn his wife down repeatedly, and tells her that sex for any reason, let alone TTC, is too much pressure.

I was recently reading an article about "The man's role when TTC" and it got me really angry. I understand from reading his other posts that this man has had a tough time of the TTC journey with his wife, but some of the generalisations made in the article were just too much for me. His 'advice' basically boils down to not including your man in the process at all and 'putting on that sexy little number' to get him in the mood. The whole article seems to imply that men are fragile creatures who can't bear to have to think about or consider anything besides being desired for sex. Is that really how it is? I am certain, from experience, that if I took that path I would never have sex with my hubby again, let alone fall pregnant.

So what do we do? How much do I tell? What do I say? Well, that's something I am still waiting to figure out...

When Nothing Goes To Plan...

It was another one of those months.

We had carefully planned out our schedule. We had an agreed timeline. Then hubby's work threw us a curve ball, a six day roster during our 'Baby Week' - bummer. he assured me it wouldn't have any impact, I told him I thought otherwise. In the end, all that mattered was we didn't manage to dtd even once in that week. We tried to make up for it on the weekend, on the off chance I might have ovulated late. Turns out even that was wrong as AF arrived 3 days early.

That in itself was an unpleasant surprise. I had noticed super light spotting 6 days before AF was due. Still there the next morning, but not even enough for a liner. Thought it may be AF arriving early but when the spotting carried on the next morning, I thought it could be that elusive implantation spotting. I have never, ever, had spotting for 3 days before AF. But now I have, so I seem to have even less idea about what my body is doing than I did before!

It also means that my last cycles have been 33, 36, 33 and 30. This is making it tricky to predict possible ovulation dates. My current app uses all past cycles to give a fairly wide fertile window. Hubby and I are pretty committed to dtd every 2-3 days, so this isn't much of a concern, but we like to be extra sure, and try for an extra session or two, during that time. After reading the experiences and the advice of the lovely ladies on the TTC #1 forum on Essential Baby I am considering starting temping or using OPKs. I don't think either will really suit my lifestyle though! I never sleep through the night, so from what I have read and understand temping wont be very accurate or useful. As for OPKs, many seem to need to be done in the afternoon, and as a teacher I rarely get to the bathroom during the day. One helpful member did mention that she uses them between 5-5.30, that's the kind of time I would be looking at, too.

We are only into our fourth cycle, and I am trying to keep in mind the couples I know who have been trying for much longer. At the same time, many of them are younger and while they keep saying that they have time to wait, I'm really struggling with the feeling that I am running out of time. My next AF should be due around the end of the school holidays. I am thinking of making a doctor's appointment for that time, either for pregnancy bloods, if we should be so lucky, or to talk about other options.

In the meantime, I would love any hints or tips that others have used to pin down that elusive egg - any sharing would be happily welcomed! =]

Another Month on the TTC Rollercoaster

It's hard to believe that a month has past since the last time I updated this page. But at the same time, it almost feels like forever.

We had another unsuccessful cycle, although it's pretty easy to see why when I look back. Although we managed to do the deed, so to speak, four times during my fertile window only two of those were PIV. It was pretty disheartening to look back and notice that and it lead to a big conversation with hubby about how there are plenty of other times in the month that we can explore other approaches to intimacy but during that specific time we need to make sure we do it 'right.' It's a pretty touchy subject, because I am just happy that we are having more sex! I don't want to say or do anything to put the pressure on, but at the same time, knowing that sex can be hard to come by, I want to make sure it counts. Hubby did mention that he finds the 'we have to do this now' aspect a bit hard to deal with and that it can take away some of his enthusiasm - something I have to be mindful of as it's hard enough to get him in the mood at the best of times.

The arrival of AF was a bit of a shocker. I was already feeling really down about the fact that I was about to turn 36 and still no closer to having a baby in my arms. I'd always thought that 35 would be the time I stopped having kids, not the time when I would still be struggling to start! Not only that, but of all days to find out I was not pregnant... it was Mother's Day.

All in all, a pretty rough month. hubby and I went away for a few days at the beginning of this cycle, just to take some time to connect without having to worry about work and knowing that we could dtd just for the fun of it! It really helped and put him in a much less stressful frame of mind and helped me to cheer up a bit. We also spent a bit of time talking practically about fertile windows, cycle length and all manner of things TTC that he was feeling curious about.

So this cycle's fertile window has just opened. We started with a bang (!) and the plan is to try every 2nd day this cycle and hope that we can catch that elusive egg. Of course life always intervenes, hubby just found out he's been rostered on to work 6 days this week and I have a hectic week at work with reports due next Monday - but we have a plan and will be trying to stick to it! One of the lovely ladies on the EB forum wrote about waiting for the right cycle and knowing that it was that particular egg and that exact sperm that had to meet to create the baby you would one day fall in love with - I guess I'm just impatient to meet that beautiful child!

The Pressure of TTC

It's been a while since my last post. We had the visit from AF, then it was school holidays, and time just flies by!

Right at the moment we are in the middle of our fertile window for this cycle and it seems hubby is not really interested. Overall, we have been intimate a lot more regularly than we have previously. Whereas before TTC we averaged about once a week, we are now sticking to every 2-3 days pretty well. One problem has been that hubby is missing all the other intimate activities we usually get up to, even though I have promised him that between AF and ovulation we can do whatever he likes! He also turned me down twice yesterday, which is another story for another day, but needless to say the hurt is lingering today.

I have also been reading a bit about reactions to pregnancy news from those who are themselves TTC. I know that I am putting myself under pressure to be the first on my mum's side of the family to have a baby, and there have been a whole lot of weddings at work lately and I'm hoping to beat all the new brides to it! I know it sounds silly, but this is the pressure that I am putting on myself.

I've read about people being angry, jealous or upset that others have a relatively easy TTC journey, a couple of months or so, while they have been struggling for years. One comment I even read what directed at someone who had "finally" conceived after two months. While the commenter expressed congratulations, she also felt that the poster didn't really understand what disappointment felt like. It got me thinking.

Hubby and I have only been 'officially' TTC for two months. I have been on BC the whole time we have been married, BUT... I have been waiting since our wedding for this time to come. So while we have only really been trying for a little while, I feel like I have been waiting for 5 years already! The thought of waiting another 12 months makes me feel physically ill.

How long did you try before TTC your first? How did it make you feel to hear others announce their pregnancy while you were still trying? Any advice to share on how to cope?

Our First Ever Two Week Wait!

If (and it's a big 'if') my cycle has stayed the same after coming off birth control,  we are just starting our first TWW. Crazy!

I have decided to take things easy this first month, no temping or checking CM, just making time to DTD every 2-3 days and we'll see what happens.  Possibly naive,  but I think this is best for us.

 I'm lucky to be fluctuating between forgetting about it altogether and then remembering and realising that I can't know yet, so I just go back to whatever I was doing.  I'm sure that will change as the days count down!

For now, Pinterest is keeping me occupied,  I gave 4 secret baby boards on the go. I'll share some of my favorite pins in another post.

11 days to go...

Another Witty Title

What a day! What a week!

I have really been out of sorts since having the Implanon removed - apart from my arm hurting and stitches pulling I've just felt really lethargic. Likely not related as there is a bug going around school, just poor timing! Here's the progression of the 'wound' so far, only a few more days till the stitches come out.

I was really anxious about how hubby was going to react to having to 'do the deed' more regularly - we call it 'baby making' to distinguish from the other kinds of 'adult' activities we get up to! The day my Implanon came out he was so worried about hurting me that I practically had to talk him into it - not too much of a problem once he saw I was serious about it!  We are working on the every two to three days theory, as recommended by the doc, and so Sunday night, when it was obvious he wasn't up for it, I reminded him that Monday would be the third day so to be sure to be ready!

Monday night, I could see he was doing everything he could to stay away from the bedroom! Just one more level, just the end of this show, just a bit more browsing... I was getting angrier and angrier, not helping the situation of course. When he finally did come to bed I told him that this couldn't happen again. Not missing the night, of course there would be days that neither of us are up to it, but avoiding the situation. We talked about how this could potentially take a while and that we needed to be totally open and honest with each other if it was getting to be too much. We talked about how babies are made (yes, there are things that grown men don't always know/understand) and all the things the doctor had told us. We talked about work and stress and how it affects us both. We talked about how we both need to be involved as this isn't something I can do by myself! I told him that, more than anything, I need him to tell me as soon as he knows he is out and come to me with an alternative, "Tonight's no good, how about tomorrow morning?" He agreed and we made a date for Tuesday night.

Tuesday, my period arrived. Or, 'Arsenal was playing at home' as we say thanks to the TV show QI. But, because this is all so new, and because his 'boys' needed a clean out, and because there is more to our sexual relationship than just baby making, we went ahead and had ourselves some fun.

Hubby was so cute, and I think a little disappointed, when I told him I had my period. "What does that mean?" he asked. "Does that mean that everything we have done so far is wasted?" I had to laugh to myself, "Everything we have done" consisted of one single baby making session! But told him that yes, unfortunately that means I'm not pregnant. "So, how long do we have to wait to try again?" Adorable.

This also meant, entirely due to hubby raising the conversation, that we spent a good hour or so talking about baby names. This was the first time he had mentioned anything about it, other than to say it wasn't worth talking about. But he was full of ideas and there were a few favourite names that we shared. Unfortunately, as before, it seems that if we are to have a girl she probably wont have a name!

As for me, I'm still enjoying the fact that anything is possible now, that we may actually become parents someday, and that hubby seems to be enjoying the ride with me =]

Coping with the 'frequency' change when TTC

If you're not interested in questions about baby making, look away now!

Being Valentine's Day, hubby and I were 'practicing' baby making the other night, and afterwards it got me to thinking... Due to a whole lot of factors that I won't be going into here, we have never had a regular schedule, just an understanding that once a week is the minimum we (...I) am willing to settle for. Some weeks it's more than that, others only barely, but obviously for maximum baby making efficiency, this is going to have to change!

I have heard others talk about the struggle to keep things seductive, spontaneous or even just relaxed. I have even read on forums about people whose hubbys suffer ED during this time due to the added stress, expectation, etc. I've read about men who feel like their partners see them as baby making machines and nothing more.

Hubby has already mentioned that he's not sure he's going to be able to 'keep up' and wondered how long it might take, and I am not sure if the comments from his co-worker about him being tired for the rest of his life are really helping! I am trying to be supportive and show him all the evidence which says once every 2-3 days is the best way to go for sperm number, quality, etc but I think that if we find that the first two or three months are uneventful then I am going to have to start paying super close attention to my cycle so we can just schedule the days that are going to be most effective!

I'd love to know how other people cope, especially men, but it's not really a conversation that happens all that often in the real world. I'd love to know if there is anything I can so or do to make the experience a little more enjoyable for hubby, besides the obvious.

Less than  two weeks to go till all this becomes reality rather than theory, so I guess we'll see!