S.M.E.P. - Take one! Action!

After everything that has happened the last 12 months, I decided that something had to change. When I looked back over my apps, it was clear that there had only been 4 months in that time that we technically tried at the right time. The first few months were hit and miss while I came came off Implanon and wondered what my cycle would do. The next saw the pressure starting to build for hubby and just not being able to dtd at the right time. Then the first early loss (I'm trying to avoid using the term Chemical Pregnancy ever again) then a missed chance, then the miscarriage, then not trying... A woman on one of the forums wrote that her husband tried to console her by saying that they hadn't really been trying, that's how I feel. All this time has passed, but we've never got it right.

After reading and hearing all about the SMEP I decided to look into it. I've pretty much worked out that I usually get a positive opk on cd16, so the plan was to dtd on cd10, cd12, cd14, cd16/17 and then cd19. That's heaps for us. In fact, if we stuck to that it would be more in 9 days than in the whole time since the miscarriage. I was sceptical, so I asked hubby what he thought. He assured me that it had reached the point where he would do whatever it takes, although he did also admit some worry that we could 'do all that' and it still wouldn't work, so what was the point? I was still sceptical.

We managed cd10, 12 and 14. CD16 I was refused in favour of late night football, with assurances of a 'double shot' on cd17 (yeah, right!), and cd17 saw us make a start, but not finish in the end. Only the second time that has happened. I tried to play it off, but hubby is feeling so guilty about it. So much so that the back up day on cd19 was totally out of the question.

The other part of this plan is the Robitussin. I did a lot of reading about this before starting as I am really trying to limit the number of drugs in my system after being on heavy duty pain killers for 18 months prior to TTC. The active ingredient works on all mucus membranes in the body, therefore "loosening" CM as well. This can only be a good thing, right?! Unfortunately, it doesn't actually help you create more CM, that comes down entirely to how well hydrated you are and the effects of any other drugs in your system, such as Clomid. So here's the thing. To take OPKs, especially twice a day as recommended. you have to limit your intake of liquid. But to have great CM, you need to maintain/increase your intake. I am sure people can not drink much for 8 hours a day (assuming a four hour hold each test) and still get in their 2litres, but it makes more sense to me to stay hydrated throughout the day to keep the process running! Also, a couple of 35 degree plus days meant that there was no way I was not drinking anything for that long!

So, I took the Robitussin and I drank lots and I noticed a big difference in the amount of CM. So that's one positive.

I really feel our timing was all wrong again but am holding on to a sliver of hope because our cd14 effort was very late at night, technically almost cd15. There's a chance some of those little swimmers hung around long enough for one of them to meet that egg. But I am not testing. Hubby has the day off the day after AF is due, so if she's a no show then we might go out and buy a test. For now I am 3dpo and we just wait. Again.

Getting our priorities straight

AF has come and gone. Another month of has begun.

I'm starting to get really anxious about TTC - how long 'til we fall again, will everything be ok, what to do about work, is hubby in the right frame of mind, is this really best for our marriage... it just goes on.

Everything in our life says now is not the right time for a baby. We're both in a pretty bad way health and emotional wise, hubby's meds make him even less in the mood than before, work is getting too big for both of us, family issues, we're still trying to get the house sorted... but at the same time, there's ALWAYS going to be a reason not to get this going. I feel like the reason we are having these troubles is because we have waited too long. And not just because of my age.

And now, with Christmas coming, I'm feeling this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I'd thought I'd be 16 weeks pg by Christmas. I'd even started thinking about cute Christmas baby bump photos. I loved the idea of having that special time with family to look forward to next year being so much better for all of us than this one. Now I don't even want to put up my tree when the time comes because I won't be taking those photos and instead people will be awkwardly avoiding the subject of my miscarriage.

Work is a whole other issue. I'm off for the rest of the year on long service leave and really trying to get myself right after the miscarriage. I'd asked for, and honestly expected to be granted, a time reduction at work. But I was refused flat out. So now not only am I facing full time work at a job my doctor told me to quit, but also the thought that if we don't fall again, or if I do and I miscarry, that it'll be my fault for not cutting back like I was told. I'm also looking for another teaching position, but at this time of year it can be a bit tricky.

In the meantime, I just hide in my spare room, not thinking that it's supposed to be a nursery, and surround myself with a million craft projects to keep me occupied.

My next fertile window is less than 4 days away... I have NO idea what to do.

OPKs

This is my second cycle using OPKs. The girls on the EB TTC#1 forum were super helpful with all my questions last time. I was wondering about how long I should be 'holding it in' the other day, as my bladder was screaming for release so decided to test my Dr Google theory. it wasn't good. The results ranged from 4 hours to 2 hours to don't hold it and just test whenever you need to pee. So I decided to investigate a little further - when was the best time to test?
 - My Dr says use FMU because hormones are most concentrated
 - My Dr says never use FMU because LH (the hormone measured by OPKs) is only synthesised in the day
 - Before 12 pm
 - Before 4 pm
 - Between 8 and 10pm
By far the best answer was, test when the instructions on the pack tell you to. Only problem is with buying all these cheapies off the internet, they don't always come with instructions.

I also found out thanks to the EB girls that it is possible to miss the LH surge and therefore never get a true positive. Last month I got a pretty clear positive result on CD 16, this time, not so much. For interests sake, here are my OPKs from this cycle.

From this it's clear that I never got a true positive. It's also clear that this photo is of old tests and that you're not supposed to count the results after 10 minutes. However, I would assume that CD17 shows the strongest result, very closely followed by CD18. I'm happy, for my own purposes, to count CD17 as my positive. I haven't had any tests yet to confirm that I actually ovulate and I am not prepared to start testing more than once a day as I have seen recommended by some.

With this in mind, I tried a different tack with hubby this cycle. I didn't tell him a thing. I was counting on my positive being CD16 as I think is usual for me, and we dtd on CD13 and CD16. When I saw my OPKs, I mentioned to hubby that I wasn't going to tell him anything more than to make a choice - we dtd either Saturday, Sunday or Monday, which I knew would be CD17-19. I wasn't going to say anything else, I wasn't going to pressure him. I'd already asked him to be more proactive in the whole dtd business, baby making aside.

So it got to last night and nothing. I was super calm, I had expected this. I just asked to remind him of two things, he said he'd make more of an effort, and he'd promised one of those three days. To which he said, "Tomorrow then." I said yes, for sure (I'm not passing up an opportunity!) but reminded him that I had told him those days for a reason. He told me that he didn't think it made a difference and that there was always a chance no matter what the timing! We then had to have a quick refresher on the whole Great Sperm Race and what happens to the egg after ovulation.

I'm pretty sure that tonight will be a no-go anyway, and either way I think its too late to catch the egg this cycle. But looking back I think that we got a couple in on time, so maybe some of those little buggers have worked their magic. I guess only time will tell.

The future of baby making

Due almost entirely to my own experiences and those I have read about on TTC boards over the last 8 months or so, I am worried for the future of the human race. No, let me rephrase. I am worried for the future of those of us 'blessed' enough to live surrounded by technology.

What I am about to write may come across as biased, anti-male, or even anti-technology - I assure you that is not my intention. I am sure that there are just as many women out there who engage in these kinds of behaviours. I am only speaking, as I said at the beginning, from experience.

I have written before about frequency being a bit of an issue for us. There seem to be quite a few women in the same situation across all the TTC boards that I read. It seems that, for some of us at least, TTC isn't just a matter of OPKs and temp spikes, but of a constant cycle of persuasion and rejection.

A quick search about men with low drive and the impact on conception will yield lots of astounding theories. Does he really want a baby? Have you tried dressing up for him? Have you tried doing it how he wants? In amongst all this, there are a lot of results pointing to low testosterone levels, and I am still not convinced that this isn't true for us. All the signs or symptoms are there, but you can't force a grown man to ask the doctor, right? Along side this though, there are many behavioural patterns that I believe impact the whole area of intimacy, only to be brought to the fore when TTC.

Men who are too tired or stressed.

Men who are just not interested in sex.

Men who are not in the mood.

Men who feel pressure to perform.

Men who just need to reply to this email or complete that task for work.

Men who just need to reach the next save point or beat that lap time.

I have come across many women trying to cope with any number of these behaviours.. It was pretty eye opening to see the huge number of posts on one marriage board (not specifically regarding TTC, just sex in general) who said they were frequently turned down for sex in favour of video games or web browsing. This is where my worry kicks in. These men have only really had access to cheap personal computing for the last half of their lives, what about all the young boys born today who will have an ipad in their hands before they can even speak?

There's a whole lot of literature about the effect of the instant reward structure of many games and other electronic entertainment (gambling, videos, etc) and none of it is very encouraging. Worse still, as I mentioned earlier, it's about intimacy in general, not just sex. It's bad enough being continually turned away and rejected for sexual intimacy, but when this is backed up in every other area of life it can be demoralising. Not being able to go out for dinner because there's a new DLC level pack that's just been released. Being late to a party because the next save point was ages away. Having to leave a day out early because he hasn't had a chance to play all day and feels like the day will be wasted if he doesn't get in a few laps.

I am not saying that video games or technology are the root of all evil. I know that there are many who can moderate their use and technology enhances their lives rather than engulfing it. I know that there are many other factors at play.

I also think selfishness plays a big part. Every time I see someone saying they were rejected because their partner wasn't in the mood, it saddens me; I know exactly how it feels. Every day at work we do things we aren't 'in the mood' for because we know that's how relationships are built and maintained. But we seem to think that it's ok to tell our partner that their needs are less important? I have read more posts than I care to remember written by men who have said blatantly that they have rejected their partners' sexual advances because they found it easier to 'take care of themselves' than put up with the needs or desires of another person.

I know there is much more to all of this than simple "Video games bad. Sex good." If you and your partner struggle to be sexually intimate, especially while TTC, what is the issue that gets in your way? How have you tried to address it? I'd love to hear from others.