NOT my 1st Mother's Day

But it sure feels different.

In the past, hubby and I have not exchanged gifts for Mother's or Father's Day but have acknowledged each other and spent some time talking about our angels.

This year, our beautiful rainbow baby girl is here and hubby has picked out a gift and card from both of them. I am looking forward to spending Mother's Day with my little family.

What I'm dreading are the comments regarding my "First Mother's Day" and how to handle them. I want to try to keep it simple, something like, "Thank you, but this isn't my first." People might be upset or feel awkward, but as a lovely mother on the PALS Parenting after loss forum wrote, acknowledging our angels is more important than their mometary awkwardness.

Happy Mother's Day to all the lovely mothers out there x

Christmas Memories

Father's Day

I'm a little bit tired of hearing that acknowledging my husband, and other men who are living without their babies, puts a downer on the Father's Day celebrations of others.

Why is it ok for people to post about the fathers and grandfathers that they miss on this day, but it's not ok to acknowledge that there are men the world over missing spending this day with their precious children?

Once again, I am pregnant on Father's Day. The first time this happened, as I have posted about before, I didn't even acknowledge my husband as a father. I simply thought that you weren't a mother, or father, until you had a baby to hold. I know now how wrong my thinking was, for so many reasons.

This time, everything is so different. This baby is growing and kicking away inside and I can feel her get extra active when she hears her daddy's voice when he comes home from work. The way he is looking after both of us this time around just proves to me beyond any doubt that he is a father already, and that he is doing everything he can for his little girl.

He copes with Father's Day by not thinking about it, and as he is working today already told me when I asked how he was doing that he doesn't really want to talk about it until he gets home. Long ago that would have bothered me, but everything we have learned these past years reassures me that he can do whatever he needs to cope with this in any way he likes, even (especially) if it is not what I would do. We both grieve so differently.

And honestly, it is hard to celebrate, even with this little one here, knowing that our first baby could have been 16 months old and ready to spoil her daddy on this special day. It will always be this way for us on special days, there will always be little faces missing from our table, from our photos and from our memories.

So I am not sorry for acknowledging my husband as a father today. My heart aches for the hugs, kisses and memories that he has been denied. He is the best father our little ones could ever wish for.

Remember with me

This week has been rough and I am trying not to let it get me down. Trying, but not succeeding.

May 26th marked what could have been our little one's first birthday. All I wanted was for someone to remember with us. No one did. I felt bad enough that I actually had to remind hubby, but I have to do that even for my birthday. However, coming from a family that usually makes such a fuss over birthdays, all I wanted was for someone to remember.

Last year I put it all over social media, we even held a special sale during May and donated a percentage of the profits to Sands Victoria. The advertising said, "...in honour of our little one who was due May 26th."

This year, I didn't write anything. I knew that if I did, I would get one or two messages from people who's memories were suddenly jogged, but I didn't want that. I know that what I wanted wasn't logical, or rational, after all our little one means far more to us than to them, but still...

I didn't want a big song and dance, I didn't want a fuss. All I wanted was an acknowledgement that the day, and every day after, would be incomplete without that little life to celebrate.

I suppose it was just one more day in a long run. Bereaved Mother's day where only two people acknowledged me, Mother's Day where only one person did, my birthday where everyone wanted to know what a 'great' day I was having and then this. It's really feels like the monumental impact our losses have had on our life together mean nothing at all to the people who at one point meant everything to me.

I also don't know how to move forward, especially with some people in my immediate family. I know our loss and pain makes them uncomfortable, but if it was me I would know that my discomfort was so small compared to their pain of their loss. Instead, they avoid me, don't mention any of our babies, and get upset with me what I don't behave the way I am "supposed to."

I am at the point where I just don't want to deal with it any more. It is easier not to see them or talk to them than to cope with this. I know over time this will change, as it did immediately following our loss, but for now I think this is how it has to be.